Is my “friend” a cf?!

[Bellsandwhistle]

She keeps forcing her DD on my DD to play now lockdown eased and my DD is okay with this some days but it’s every day now which means she can’t call round to other friends as this other girls always there. The other friends aren’t that friendly with this girl and she is quite full on. She keeps turning up and I can’t say much when we are clearly at home and not going anywhere. Yet my “friend” is having lots of socially distanced coffees and drinks on her garden and doesn’t ask me round. The few friends she has round are all good friends of mine too indeed I’ve known them all for many many years more. So AIBU to feel ducked off and used for my daughter and that she isn’t really my friend?! Feel pissed off with this but also that I may be being unreasonable and more than a little childish. Would you be fucked off?!

My son has friends like this.The parents would certainly have the kids here 24/7 if they could.
At first i was worried about the friendships but i realised they were not suffering the same angst.So i put a stop t it.

At 12, why are the girls not sorting themselves out? I don't think I was involved in any of my children's friendships when they were that age. Can your DD not just say "really sorry, I'd love to do something with you another day, but I'm doing something else/going for a walk with X today because I haven't seen her for ages", or some such?

If it's the other mum who's over-invested in her DD's friendships, could you not just say to her that it's nice that your daughters are friends, but you don't think it's up to either of you to get too involved in the friendship?

Not dear, we have other plans for the day.

I wouldn’t tell her it’s to see another friend; that seems rude and likely to make her feel left out.

I have a rule about not making close friends with people that can see my front door. That way I’m never feeling left out or worrying that I’m making others feel left out.

The fact that they are temporarily only allowed to see one other friend at a time makes it less rude to explain that she already has plans to visit with someone else today/tomorrow/whenever. (Whether or not the other child knows about your daughter's plan is irrelevant.)

I want you all to say the mum is a cheeky using fuckwit as I can’t complain about this to RL

The mum is a cheeky using fuckwit."

Thanks andylion Feel much better!!

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

I guess the dds can meet at the park in the same way as adults can if they socially distanced and are old enough to go alone. Is that what you mean? I have to say, my dd has had a couple of park meet ups with a pair of twins - even though that’s too many people it seems fine to me common sense wise - they sit over 2m apart and are old enough to do this alone.

But I agree you should just say no when she comes round. Not much you can do re the adult meet ups, annoying as it may be!

so we're the twins wearing the same clothes? Because if they were that's fine as it's basically one person and if not its not fine as they count as two people🙄🤦‍♀️

How do you mean you can't not see her? She is in her garden with your friends & none of them are seeing you as you weren't invited by your CF 'friend'. So how is she explaining your absence all the time..? Why can't you have some of the friends in your garden when your daughter is off round the village with one of her other pals.

You need to say No about your daughter going out. My Mum did it frequently when I was young....I had to do schoolwork, chores, errands, piano practice, bake buns with her...lots of things that meant I wasn't always free. And she didn't really explain too much either except that she would tell me X called when I was finished the schoolwork etc... Aside fron your CF 'friend', if for no otger reason do it to teach your daughter that it is fine to say No.

now I feel the mum has decided to push her dd into this group via my dd. I feel we are both being used when suits her purpose.
OP this is only happening because, whether you like it or not, you are allowing this to happen. People will generally
treat you in the way you allow them to.

Also what example are you setting your daughter now and for future child and adult relationships? She needs to know - by experiencing your own good/assertive example to her - that she has the right to say no. And assertive doesn't mean stroppy or aggressive, just clearly, calmly but firmly saying "no thank you" to any behaviour that you don't want.

Also yes, as another PP said, don't allow how your friend is treating YOU influence what is best for your daughter. That's not great for either of you.

i would be part annoyed and part delighted with being excluded, but this is a seperate issue to your daughter and her friendship boundaries.
It seems silly that your daughter feels she cant say no to spending every single day with this girl to the exclusion of her other friends, and I would work on empowering her to tell her, that she cant play today as shes going round Sarahs etc and she will see her thursday or something x

Yup I would feel used too and irritated by her exclusion of you.

When the dd arrives, just say “sorry Doris but we saw you yesterday so dd is seeing one different person today” and shut the door.

Surely the important bit is how your daughter feels about this?

If she’s happy to go for a walk with this girl because she hasn’t anything else on, BUTT OUT.

If she fed up with it, at 12 I’d expect her to be able to say “no, I’m not free today.” If she needs support with that, you answer the door and say “no” for her and help her develop her boundaries for herself in future.

How you feel about the mother has nothing to do with how your daughter feels about the girl.

At 12 your DD can have her own friendships. If we were talking about a toddler then inevitably the parent's friendliness and willingness to reciprocate invites is crucial, but at 12 your DD can have completely different friendships than you.

Imagine the opposite situation. You are friends with a mum whose child is not friends with your DD, would you stop the friendship? No, you'd just see the mum without your DD.

You can however set limits on who comes to your home and how often.

Having said all that, it sounds like the friend is overbearing for your DD, so you both need to nicely say that DD is not available on the days when she wants to play with other DCs.

She shouldn't be spending time with children she doesn't want to, at the expense of proper friendships. You are the only one able to support her to assert these boundaries op. It's up to you.

The mum is a CF but her relationship to you is separate. It sounds as if she is jealous of both you and your daughter.

She’s 12 I thought we were talking about young primary children. I don’t understand how it’s got to this then. When I was 12 meet-ups between me and my friends was definitely not organised by our parents.

OP,
Absolutely you can feel irritated.

She is a CF.

She couldn't care less about you or your daughter.

She things you are a MUG, and can be used.

If she texts, tell her it doesn't suit.
No explanation.
If she texts back, don't answer.

If the daughter comes to the door, tell your daughter NOT to answer, that you will.

Tell the daughter " my daughter has plans today, perhaps we will see you some other time, when we are Free, bye".

Stand up for your daughter, make other plans for your daughter.

Do NOT allow this girl to force herself on your daughter's friends.

Be busy.

CF are everywhere.

You need to show your daughter that what she wants counts too.

Just be grateful you aren't being invited, stay home and stay safe!

Doesn't sound like this woman likes you much either (leaving you out of social events) so why worry about falling out with her? You don't have to be friends just because you have friends in common. Send her DD home.

Don't answer the door, or say sorry, not playing today, we have things to do, we're going out, we're ill, ... Before lockdown my neighbour used to send her child round . Nearly every weekend and they always had to play at mine. So cheeky. It got very annoying fast. Basically being used for free childcare. I was glad they moved away.

It really distresses me to see parents allowing their children to flout the rules.

@PollyPelargonium52

It really distresses me to see parents allowing their children to flout the rules.

What is flouting the rules about one child meeting another and mixing at 2m distance?

I had a 'friend' that I used to chat to at the school gate. My son didn't really get on that well with her son but she asked during the scool holidays if I could have him for a day while she organized her mothers funeral. He was bossy, demanding and a pain. She gave me a bag with a small tin of beans and 2 sausages for his lunch. She asked me to have him again on the funeral day. Beans and 2 fish fingers this time. When she picked him up she asked HIM if he wanted to come again tomorrow I quickly told her that it wasn't convenient. I'm sure she was planning to dump him on me for the whole holidays.
It was awkward to say no but I wasn't going to let my children be lumbered with this child. We still met at the school gate but I limited it to a 2 min chat.

Agree with those wondering why the mothers of two 12 yr olds are involved in their daughters' friendships. I'd have died if my mum (who was fab, and with whom I had a great relationship) had got involved with any of my friendships when I was 12.

Sounds like she's using you and your daughter for a break for herself. Text her in advance the night before and tell her that your daughter isn't available until such and such day and that you're just letting her know so her daughter won't have to make a pointless trip.

I think you have every right to speak up to the mother and say plainly that you don't like that she sends her daughter over but does not include you and you think it is rude.