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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my “friend” a cf?!

108 replies

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 15:58

She keeps forcing her DD on my DD to play now lockdown eased and my DD is okay with this some days but it’s every day now which means she can’t call round to other friends as this other girls always there. The other friends aren’t that friendly with this girl and she is quite full on. She keeps turning up and I can’t say much when we are clearly at home and not going anywhere. Yet my “friend” is having lots of socially distanced coffees and drinks on her garden and doesn’t ask me round. The few friends she has round are all good friends of mine too indeed I’ve known them all for many many years more. So AIBU to feel ducked off and used for my daughter and that she isn’t really my friend?! Feel pissed off with this but also that I may be being unreasonable and more than a little childish. Would you be fucked off?!

OP posts:

bananaskinsnomnom · 28/05/2020 16:34

Ok so is the girl knocking at the door and asking your DD to go for a walk daily?

Options:
You answer the door. You simply say DD can’t do a walk today - she’s seeing Someone else later and you would rather her still only meet with one a day. You’re having a family day. You’re currently having a video chat with friends / relatives. In an hours time she’s taking part in the Zoom family quiz.

What time does she come? Can your DD set off on her own walk before hand? Arrange her own walk with a friend she wants to see? Go and chat with another friend in their garden, or indeed have a different friend in your back garden and be honest and say sorry it’s one friend at a time (as it should be!)

I’m not to clear whether this girl is being sent round or has chosen your DD as the one she wants to see so is just appearing? Does you DD know when she’s coming round, like do they message each other first?

WhoWants2Know · 28/05/2020 16:36

I would get your daughter to ring up each of her friends and make plans to walk with them on a particular day. Then if there's a day left over, she's free to walk with the neighbour's girl.

Beautiful3 · 28/05/2020 16:36

Just say not today we're cleaning/baking/making zoom chats with family/ not well/ daughters gone out/ going food shopping. I once had a problem with someone coming round all of the time so I learned to lie and sometimes put my jacket and shoes on to physically leave the house with the kids. If they can she can join you, just reply no, not today sorry guys.

Winniewonka · 28/05/2020 16:38

I would say to her that as the rules are only one person at a time, it's not fair on other friends that your daughter would like to see. Suggest that her daughter might want also see someone else instead for a change.
It's natural to feel left out but she shouldn't be hosting these get togethers anyway. After lockdown, I would treat the mother with the same indifference that she shows to you and only see your other friends.

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 16:39

So today the mum texted me and I didn’t see as was in garden. Saw 20 min later by which time the girl had appeared saying oh mum said just go on round. Yesterday the mum text for them to go out together to walk and when my dd went out she was standing outside our door! I feel like she’s coming earlier each day to stop my daughter going out first. Thing is we don’t have other plans and I’m not organising other activities so my dd will go but I know she’d prefer to see other friends too. They are outside one on one 2 metres apart so is allowed.

OP posts:

NeutrinoWrangler · 28/05/2020 16:40

I wouldn't worry about what your "friend" thinks, since she's clearly not a great friend.

But honestly, at 12, isn't it up to your daughter who she spends time with? If she doesn't want to walk with this other girl, she shouldn't have to, whether or not you're good friends with her mother.

If the mother asks, tell her your daughter has other plans, was planning on meeting up with X today, it's not convenient at the moment, maybe another day, etc., etc. Whatever comes to mind. If it's the daughter just turning up, either you or your daughter can relay a similar message. Surely they'll get the hint sooner or later.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/05/2020 16:40

Just tell the child that it isn't convenient and send her home again!

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 16:42

Is hard for me to treat the mum with indifference as part of a close group of mutual friends. If it wasn’t for that this would be much easier to get a grip on.

OP posts:

NeutrinoWrangler · 28/05/2020 16:43

Nothing wrong with telling your friends in advance that your daughter wants to meet up with her other friends, so won't be available to walk with her daughter. She can get into a snit over it if she likes, but that's her problem. Doesn't seem like you're missing out on much, if she's offended.

If I were your daughter, I'd quickly lose my patience, being forced to spend my time with one person when I'd rather have seen someone else.

Cacacoisfarraige · 28/05/2020 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jokie · 28/05/2020 16:45

I'd text and say; appreciate that your DD wants to play but please don't do it ever day as we have family activities and other playdates to go to.

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 16:48

I think tmw I’ll let my dd to arrange to see another friend in advance just so it’s not every day this week. It’s just we are staying at home and I don’t want my dd organising loads of stuff just to avoid being here. I just want it casual and chilled and not to feel we are forced into things. Last summer it was occasional and my dd was mostly out with her other friends but now I feel the mum has decided to push her dd into this group via my dd. I feel we are both being used when suits her purpose.

OP posts:

RuggerHug · 28/05/2020 16:53

Just say no. Open door and she's there 'not today, your DM must be confused again'. Or cough loudly from the other side of the door and say since they're the only people who have turned up every day it must be them you caught it from.

(I'm a raging bitch about this stuff though)

Branleuse · 28/05/2020 16:54

at 12 I think your daughter should be able to say to this girl if she doesnt want to see her and you should be backing off from managing this.
Give your daughter support however she wants to handle it, but I dont think you need to do anything. She needs to learn this stuff for herself

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/05/2020 16:57

You could really do with learning to set boundaries so you can teach your daughter to. You are letting her down by not teaching her how to ensure she doesn’t get treated this way.sneaking around making other plans instead of being friendly but upfront is a really poor way to deal with this.

And while I see why you are upset about your neighbor and supposed friend not inviting you round when she is doing so to everyone else in your mutual friendship group, you really need to separate this from your daughter’s friendship with her daughter. It can be difficult, but it’s totally unfair on your daughter not to.

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 16:59

Would none of you be fucked off though at the mum excluding you from things and yet being pushy re the dd?! I know the grown up thing to do is to separate the issues but I can’t! The dds wouldn’t ever be friends if I wasn’t “friends” with the mum. Would none of you feel used?

OP posts:

YinMnBlue · 28/05/2020 17:00

"Just to let you know, Dd is not available to ho out this afternoon, have a good day"
"Oh, sorry, dd was planning to see XYZ today and neither she nor I are comfortable breaking the new '1 person' rule"

Coach your Dd:

"Sorry, can't make it today"
"I am meeting up with XYZ today and Mum says the rules are one person, see you soon"

Prepare these comments in advance and be ready.

SunshineCake · 28/05/2020 17:04

It is time to assert yourself and stop letting other people run your life.

Sign on the door saying please don't know, no visitors today.
Say no to her coming in.
Text the mum telling her to stop sending her daughter each day, you don't have to say why.

Your daughter doesn't want this. It is up to you to make her life better not worse.

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 28/05/2020 17:04

At 12, surely your DD can make her own plans and arrangements?

Before the child leaves tonight say "sorry, weve got plans tomorrow. See you soon." Job done!

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 28/05/2020 17:05

@Bellsandwhistle

Yes. That would irk me too.

So I would make an effort to keep polite but step right back

CrystalMaisie · 28/05/2020 17:10

Does your dd and her other friends have phones, don’t they make their own plans to meet?

matchboxtwentyunwell · 28/05/2020 17:11

Tell your DD to make plans the night before and that you will turn the girl away when she appears in the mornings.

BumpBundle · 28/05/2020 17:11

I haven't read all the comments but I read your original post, I don't understand the problem.

Does your daughter have a problem with seeing this girl every day or just you?
How does you not being invited over to the mum's drinks have anything to do with it? Your daughter can be friends with her daughter without you being friends with her.
If your daughter doesn't want to go out with her then she can say no.
If your daughter wants to see her other friends then she should go and see them. Then, when this girl knocks, your daughter won't be in so you can just say she's not in because she's seeing someone else.
How is she "forcing" her daughter to play with your daughter? Does she bring her round? Why would she do that?

I just don't see how this is a problem...

FilledSoda · 28/05/2020 17:12

Well don't let yourself be used then . You have the power to put a stop to it.
Reading your update I'm wondering if you're more annoyed with this woman for excluding you rather than foisting her DD onto you.
Either way you need to assert yourself .
Do you think this cf is losing sleep worried what you think of her ?
Do it for your daughter , show her how to set boundaries and not let others set the agenda.

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 17:14

Thanks to the few who agreed they’d feel fucked off too. I know the rest are trying to be helpful re suggestions about the dd and I do know I’m not being very grown up about it. I just can’t helped feeling used. I want you all to say the mum is a cheeky using fuckwit as I can’t complain about this to RL friends!

OP posts:

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