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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my “friend” a cf?!

108 replies

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 15:58

She keeps forcing her DD on my DD to play now lockdown eased and my DD is okay with this some days but it’s every day now which means she can’t call round to other friends as this other girls always there. The other friends aren’t that friendly with this girl and she is quite full on. She keeps turning up and I can’t say much when we are clearly at home and not going anywhere. Yet my “friend” is having lots of socially distanced coffees and drinks on her garden and doesn’t ask me round. The few friends she has round are all good friends of mine too indeed I’ve known them all for many many years more. So AIBU to feel ducked off and used for my daughter and that she isn’t really my friend?! Feel pissed off with this but also that I may be being unreasonable and more than a little childish. Would you be fucked off?!

OP posts:

FilledSoda · 28/05/2020 17:15

When you are put in this position again do not apologise and do not explain !
It doesn't suit , which is correct, it doesn't!

VettiyaIruken · 28/05/2020 17:15

@Bellsandwhistle

No. The fact that my kids are friends with someone does not obligate me to be friends with their parents. Or vv. My children don't have to be friends with the children of my friends.

However, sending her daughter round all the time is selfish. So you say no. Not today. Not this week. Ever your daughter has been round X times in the last y days, I think it's only fair the girls get the chance to see all their friends, not just one.

Until you speak up, nothing will change.

tara66 · 28/05/2020 17:16

Just ask her - is she treating you as an unpaid baby sitter - although child is 12? Does she just not want her at home when she entertains - which she is not supposed to do?

FilledSoda · 28/05/2020 17:16

I do agree , I would be fucked off but I wouldn't allow it to continue .

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/05/2020 17:17

Well yes, she is being a CF!
But as to whether or not she should invite you to things, that's not really an easy call to make - she's obviously ok with you looking after her child, but sounds like she doesn't actually like you very much yourself.

So therefore she's not your friend.

Sort your boundaries out and tell her, or her DD, that it's no longer convenient and she can't come round so often.
Set one day next week that you think she'll be able to come round (if you want her to at all) and stick to it. And if the DD turns up on any other day, send her packing!

smokescreen · 28/05/2020 17:18

I totally get it op. Step back from the 'friendship', be polite but don't engage, only text when necessary etc

When the other girl turns up tomorrow, say "it isn't convenient today, maybe next week". Leave it vague. If her Mum texts you could say your dd has other plans but if it were me, I wouldn't open her text or respond.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/05/2020 17:19

I know the grown up thing to do is to separate the issues but I can’t! ... Would none of you feel used?

Of course I’d feel used. And I would be pissed off with the other mum. But it has almost nothing to do with how you need to teach your daughter to behave. If this child were a friend in a different way you would still need to teach your daughter how to handle the situation well.

What you decide to do about the mum (and it’s a tricky situation since it’s one relationship in an established friendship group) is different from what you do about the daughter. You can’t expect your daughter to blow the other girl off because you want to blow off the mum nor, conversely, to keep up a friendship with the daughter because you don’t want to rock your friendship group. As a parent you need to help your daughter establish to friendship she wants with the daughter and support her in that with your friends so she doesn’t feel pressured into acting a particular way because they put pressure on you. At the same time you should work out what you want to do with your “friend” and not let that include pressuring your daughter to behave a particular way to suit your ends.

Obviously you can’t control how your “friend “ or her daughter react to you two setting your boundaries, but doing it calmly and in a friendly or civil way while insisting you don’t want one relationship to jeopardize the other is the best you can do.

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 17:22

My dd only knows the girl as the mum and I are friends. If I didn’t see the mum the girls wouldn’t stay in touch as my dd never calls to the girls unless the mum (pre lockdown) asked her. The girls don’t have phones. My dd so chilled and we just hang out at home at the present time so we are here. It’s the mum pushing it as she texted today then sent her round. I can’t fall out with the mum as close mutual friends so that’s why I’m finding it hard to draw boundaries.

OP posts:

Perisoire · 28/05/2020 17:23

I want you all to say the mum is a cheeky using fuckwit as I can’t complain about this to RL friends!

She is a cheeky using fuckwit. Just tell her DD has other plans and send the girl home.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/05/2020 17:24

I can’t fall out with the mum as close mutual friends so that’s why I’m finding it hard to draw boundaries.

You really need to put your daughter first and stop using her like this.

FilledSoda · 28/05/2020 17:29

You're not declaring war you're just not being a doormat .
Do you think not entertaining this girl every day will cause an awful falling out ?
So what if you have mutual friends ?
I can think of a couple of examples of not liking my friend's friend , that's normal .
You are far too hung up on how you imagine other people see you, generally no one gives a crap , we live in our own heads .
This is secondary though, the priority here is standing up for your dd.

HelenUrth · 28/05/2020 17:29

For people saying the OP's daughter should be the one setting boundaries and saying no, I would suggest that her mother hasnt taught her to!

OP grow a spine, say no to the other girl, remember "No" is a complete sentence, you dont have to get into explanations. If you had to bring your DD to an appointment about something very personal, you wouldn't (I hope!) explain the details. So just say your DD isn't available. You can be polite and friendly, but firm.
Show your daughter she doesn't have to give her attention to the first person who comes knocking at the door. Behaviour like that is a bad recipe for future relationships.

As others have mentioned, show her how to have boundaries.

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 17:30

Thank you perisoire that made me laugh and feel better!! Okay Ineed to put on big girl pants and separate the issues and be polite but step back and not engage in pushy cheeky fuckwittery!’

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 28/05/2020 17:33

Presumably you aren't letting the girl in your house? My DS has been going out for walks with one friend at a time but they aren't out more than an hour then each return to their respective homes. Surely your DD just needs to say 'ok I'm going home now' and come home? She doesn't need to be entertaining this girl all day.

Want2beme · 28/05/2020 17:34

Would none of you be fucked off though at the mum excluding you from things and yet being pushy re the dd?! I know the grown up thing to do is to separate the issues but I can’t! The dds wouldn’t ever be friends if I wasn’t “friends” with the mum. Would none of you feel used? Yes, but she's a CF, so doesn't care about you or your DD. She only cares about herself and getting rid of her DD, so that she can have adult time with all of your friends.

Next time her DD knocks, tell her that your DD can't go out today, as you've got things you need to do over the next few days. You don't have to explain yourself. It's your life and you're in charge of it, not that CF.

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 17:34

Agree I’m overthinking things and that stuff is mostly in our own heads but I just feel really pissed ooff this week about it. I know it’s due to lockdown as usually we’d be busier and it wouldn’t seem such an issue.

OP posts:

Azaziel · 28/05/2020 17:35

Just say your daughter has other plans and send her on her way?? She’s a child op, why do you feel so awkward saying she can’t play at yours today. Especially when your daughter doesn’t want to play with her. Stand up for your daughter ffs!

Original poster

Bellsandwhistle · 28/05/2020 17:37

No I didn’t let her in. She came in but I said oh remember the rules out you guys go and told my dd back in an hour. The mum is a pushy cf in general I think and does just care about herself. I’ve realised I don’t really like her much I think but can’t not see her as all friends in common.

OP posts:

willowmelangell · 28/05/2020 17:37

A firm, 'not today', and a shut door is all you need.
Stick up for your poor dd.

Escort her to her preferred friends house.

user1465335180 · 28/05/2020 17:46

You keep saying the Mum is a close friend but she doesn't act like one, she acts like a pushy CF who wants to offload her DD to get her out the way. Pull up your big girl pants and day NO

Thelittleweasel · 28/05/2020 17:46

@Bellsandwhistle

Please see what @MouthBreathingRage and others say. There is no relaxation yet and in any event from 1st June it only applies to 6 people who can stay 2 metre apart. Children cannot. They get every thing going and - in my view at least - could spread the virus.

Tell the other woman [and anyone else] that you had misunderstood and that no children are allowed to meet

Tappering · 28/05/2020 17:47

She's relying on you not kicking up a fuss to take advantage.

Next time she texts tell her 'That doesn't work for us. DD is busy already for the next few days. Have a good day'.

Don't apologise and don't explain. If she texts and asks what your DD's plans are and says her DD could join in, then reply 'That's not possible. Take care and I am sure we'll speak soon'.

Besides, if this woman never actually invites you or includes you in anything, then what's the big deal if she gets pissed off? Your mutual friends are irrelevant as it doesn't involve them.

Tappering · 28/05/2020 17:48

And if you open the door and this girl is there, then do as @willowmelangell says and tell her 'not today thanks' and close it again!

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/05/2020 17:52

Okay I need to put on big girl pants and separate the issues and be polite but step back and not engage in pushy cheeky fuckwittery!’

Yes! It will be so much better.

Dontjumptoconclusions · 28/05/2020 18:02

OP I know you're saying here that you don't want friction between you and the other mum as you have mutual friends etc but no one is asking you to kick up a fuss and start an argument. Being assertive with your friends doesn't have to be bitter. Just a matter of fact. The comments ppl have previously said about the time not working right now, busy right now, will see you in a few days (rather than the next day) isn't a reason to fall out with the other mother. Don't worry about it.

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