DH’s ‘me time’

[toastlover100]

I have been getting huffy because of the increasing amount of time DH spends gaming/playing guitar/dossing each evening.

I asked him after dinner if we could do our joint hobby together this evening.

His response is that he would do it after his ‘me time’, which he requires 2+ hours each evening. Fine.

It’s got me thinking, AIBU to think that this is a red flag that if we have kids I will be doing the vast majority of the parenting and associated drudge work?

Does he do his share of housework, cooking and financial planning?

I think me time is important to a lot of people.

How much does he do about the house and have you got children?

Partner and I agree to watch a film and stick to it. Any other time, your time is your own. Between work and children, it's great to have that time to just chill out!

Everything that annoys your about a partner will get worse when you have children with them. Fact.

YANBU, it's a red flag. You are wise to start thinking about it now.

I used to love me time. Then I had our child and had zero me time. Now I'm getting more me time as he gets older. I dont see your point. Its not an indication of how he will be as a parent. If he expects you to do all the "women work" then thats more an indication.

Fuck sakes, do not have children with this man if he already prioritises "me time" over spending time with you.

Me time is important. 2hrs per day is a lot. I'd make sure you have a conversation about how me time goes down when you have kids.

I was getting huffy too with hubby in lockdown. We’ve agreed a set amount of ‘me’ time each per day whilst juggling work, homeschooling and general chores and any time we’re not doing the above is either family time or asleep time. It’s working well so far. It sounds a bit pedantic but equally we’re both knackered from spinning so many plates as DH is a key worker and it’s working for us at the moment. It stops the ‘well you had an hour this morning AND an hour this afternoon but I’ve only had 30 minutes’ arguments we kept having

Maybe he just wants some time away from you - it’s not an easy time for relationships and I know I am really enjoying the rare periods when I have time on my own while shielding

I don't think this is a red flag since you haven't got kids. I think the red flag would be if he lets you do all the chores whilst he has his me time.

I dont see your point. Its not an indication of how he will be as a parent.

Have a wee read of some threads on the relationships board. It’s full of miserable women raising one, or more bafflingly more than one, DC pretty much alone because their DP/DH is first and foremost wedded to gaming/cycling/gardening/playing or watching sport.

It’s a glowing red flag.

It’s fine for him to have time consuming hobbies when there are no children involved. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong really, he just wanted to do his own hobby instead of the one you prefer. Maybe try and work out a better time for you to do the thing together? You sprung it on him a bit late today and he said he would do it after, so he probably does want to do it.

It's not glowing, it's actually on fire. 'Me. ME. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME.' He's been pretty decent in telling you as well.

I’d LTB just for using the phrase “me time”.

2 babies...
I have no me time whilst my husband has plenty. I put up for the sake of it but urgh

I don't see how it can be a glowing red flag since you don't have kids yet. Are child free adults supposed to not do the hobbies they like to do prior to having kids to prove that they're not going to do that when they have kids? Why does what the op wants to do trump what her dh wants to do in their own free time?

If my DH used the term 'me time' I'd never have sex with him again 🤢

Hmm. Doesn't necessarily follow.

When you say "our joint hobby" are you sure that is of equal interest to him as "gaming/playing guitar/dossing each evening"?

Dh and I like to do separate things - we've managed to be together almost 30 years and he certainly pulled his weight bringing up our dc.

As the first poster asked, how is the balance of contributing to all the household stuff (housework, cooking, laundry, paperwork, cars, garden, decorating, etc) ? That would seem a bigger indicator than not sharing your desire to do what you see as a more important hobby / pastime than he does.

I put up for the sake of it but urgh

For the sake of what? Not a great example to your children when they’re old enough to realise is it.

What is your joint hobby?

I don’t get why he shouldn’t want time to himself. Or why he should prioritise doing what you want to do. If you flipped it round, say you’re reading a book, and he wants you to go for a cycle and you say yeah sure, I want to just read my book another hour, should he then deem you no good as a potential mother?!!

Not enough information to give an answer.

Why is your joint hobby more important than his hobbies?
If you resent him enjoying his hobbies now, it will get worse.
Either get some solo hobbies or leave him.
DH and I have our joint hobbies and we have our solo ones.
I enjoy time to myself when he's doing his and vice versa.

Not everything is a red flag.

So he wants some time of an evening to focus on what he wants to do and his hobbies. If a woman asked this no one would bat an eyelid. But because it's a man then it's a red flag.....

Do you do the drudge work now because he prioritises 'me time'?

If so, don't have kids with him.

If the work (and the thinking about what is needed and when etc... all the 'wifework') is shared, then this is about how you spend your time together and NOT about him pulling his weight.