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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s ‘me time’

87 replies

toastlover100 · 26/05/2020 22:10

I have been getting huffy because of the increasing amount of time DH spends gaming/playing guitar/dossing each evening.

I asked him after dinner if we could do our joint hobby together this evening.

His response is that he would do it after his ‘me time’, which he requires 2+ hours each evening. Fine.

It’s got me thinking, AIBU to think that this is a red flag that if we have kids I will be doing the vast majority of the parenting and associated drudge work?

OP posts:
CrumpetyTea · 27/05/2020 00:35

Has it changed during lockdown? I don't necessarily think that what happens in lock down can be seen as indicative of anything.
you don't sound that enamoured /tolerant of his hobbies "dossing" is quite judgemental.
i'm not sure whether it is indicative of how he will be post children- but how you feel about it is probably indicative of how you will feel - you seem quite resentful now and this will build

vanillandhoney · 27/05/2020 07:35

What's wrong with him wanting me-time? They don't have children and have been stuck in lockdown together for 10 weeks! It's totally normal and natural in that situation to need a decent amount of time to yourself - deciding it means he's going to be a shit parent is a bit of a leap Hmm

Most of mine and DH's joint hobbies involve going out and we can't really do many of them at the moment so we've been spending plenty of time apart at home doing individual ones. It doesn't mean either of us don't pull our weight or that we'll be shit parents in the future. Lockdown is weird for everyone and I don't think you can use it to judge people's parenting abilities for non-existent children 😭

Runnerduck34 · 27/05/2020 09:27

Tbh 2 hours+ me time every evening is a lot and does sound self absorbed. Everyone needs time to themselves but you also need quality time with your partner otherwise resentment will breed and your partner starts to feels second best. I think if you decide to try for a baby you will need to have a really frank discussion beforehand about the sacrifices it will involve and 2 hours + every evening to yourself will go out the window.
Can you negioate splitting evenings so you both do hobbies some evenings and other evenings you do things together? If he is resistant to this than i agree it is a red flag and he is more interested in prioritising himself than your relationship.

Grumpos · 27/05/2020 09:37

Depends doesn’t it.

If “me time” comes before everything else in your relationship and house, without a nudge from you or a moaning session from him then yes I’d be worried about spending the rest of your life picking up the slack.

If he quite happily cleans and tidies and does a bit of shopping and sorts admin and generally can function as an adult without any handholding or mollycoddling from you then it could be that he’s just not that interested in the joint project anymore.

However - if you always have to prompt or ask or usher him into doing the necessary things then yeah I agree it’s a red flag.

Men who cannot handle their business = deeply unattractive. I could not have a relationship with someone who can’t function as an autonomous adult. BLUEGH

Spied · 27/05/2020 09:42

He'll still be expecting his 'me time' when you have DC and it will coincide with you making dinner, bathing the DC and doing bedtime.

PafLeChien · 27/05/2020 09:49

What I find shocking is that so many posters are focusing on "chores" here. Well, yes, adults should share 50/50, but I would be more worried first about wanting or not to spend time with each other.

Without knowing the full details, it's impossible to say, but it would make a huge difference if we are talking about a couple home together all day, or a couple who can only see each other in the evening.

TomNook · 27/05/2020 09:51

what’s the fucking hobby

Colom · 27/05/2020 10:30

Everything that annoys your about a partner will get worse when you have children with them. Fact.

Yup! I'm envious of your foresight. It's the biggest regret of my life that I wasn't on mumsnet before I had DC and so I would have saw the "red flags" as you say. The mental load and inequality regarding drudge work is so pronounced in my marriage and I so so wish I had seen it beforehand - I never would have had children with this man. I'd advise you to use this insight while you can and don't end up with regrets!

slipperywhensparticus · 27/05/2020 10:34

Have we found out the hobby and is it something you can do alone?

HopeYouStepOnALego · 27/05/2020 11:01

What's the problem with the phrase 'me time'? Is there a better way to describe it or is it the concept that's offensive?

I don't know but the phrase irritates the hell out of me. I think it started with the phrase "alone time" eg MIL wants 'alone time' with my DC. No she doesn't, she wants time alone with your DC. It just seems that people are transposing or cutting out words to make up new phrases. In this instance, for the sake of saving a word, 'time for me' has evolved to 'me time'. I'm probably just being pedantic, but to me personally it seems to be a lazy use of language.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/05/2020 11:05

What's the problem with the phrase 'me time'? Is there a better way to describe it or is it the concept that's offensive? To me it says "Fuck off! I'm enjoying myself and you are not invited"

Everyone who wants or needs time to do stuff alone should get it, god knows I like mine. We just tell each other when we'll be doing X Y or Z.But "Me Time" never said.

MashedSpud · 27/05/2020 11:15

He doesn’t want to spend time with you and he will use the same excuse when you’re bringing up dc with little help.

My DH has never used that term with me and we’ve been married 20 years.

KnockDownNinjas · 27/05/2020 11:16

2 hours isn't a lot of time to be spending doing something you like. If you did have kids, this will be out of the window. Surely it makes sense?.
Calling it dossing is a bit unfair too.

I've made a serious effort to learn to play the guitar 2 or 3 times over the course of my life. It's a skill, it requires practice, ideally every day.

It sounds like the his main reason for engaging in this "joint hobby" is that you want him to. I don't think that's an indictment of his parenting skills. Why would anyone be excited about engaging in a non-essential chore everyday?

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2020 11:19

Ok, what you need to drill down into then is whether he enjoys spending time with you or not.

If he doesn't then you have issues.

madcatladyforever · 27/05/2020 11:23

I was the one who liked me time when I was married, my husband was like a clingy limpet always wanting attention non stop and I like to be left alone for hours to do my own thing and my hobbies, mostly because I was exhausted..
Mind you I did ALL the housework, gardening, full time work, car maintenance, bills etc while he did precisely fuck all.
His clingy behaviour was the last straw and we got divorced.
However, if someone prioritises their own hobbies over childcare and chores and all the other hundred and one things that need doing then they are going to be 20 times worse when you have kids because they usually refuse to change.
At least I made sur everything was done before indulging in my hobbies.

burnoutbabe · 27/05/2020 11:24

Surely at this point most couples are bored to death of spending 24/7 together with no one else there to break it up.
And you have nothing much to say as neither of you have been anywhere that the other person hasn't!
I am delighted when it wants to go off and do his hobby and I cab play my games.
A joint hobby like watching tv isn't exactly a hobby.

BringMeThatHorizon · 27/05/2020 11:24

We have a 19mo and I dream of more 'me time'. So long as you're clear that if children come along then this attitude will change and you'll split things equally, I don't see the problem in doing things that you enjoy separately while you have lots of time to do them.

vanillandhoney · 27/05/2020 11:56

Tbh 2 hours+ me time every evening is a lot and does sound self absorbed.

Surely that depends on whether they're both home all day or not?

Let's be fair - it's not natural or healthy to spend all day stuck indoors with someone else. If two hours me-time is what someone needs to keep them sane then what's the problem?

WoollyMammouth · 27/05/2020 11:58

I think you’re right to be concerned that if you have children he’s still going to want two hours of ‘me time’ every evening whilst you juggle everything else. You only have to read the relationships board to see this happens. Women left with the kids all weekend whilst their DH swans off to golf/cycling/the gym. Have you discussed anything with him?

Me time is fine when you've kids, asking as both parties get it. It can’t be exclusive to one person.

WoollyMammouth · 27/05/2020 11:59

*as long as. I meant.

SimonJT · 27/05/2020 12:01

I don’t understand what is wrong with me time. I’m a lone parent and I get me time everyday, sometimes its the gym, playing rugby, rugby training, gaming, playing piano, reading. I love my boyfriend and think he’s brilliant, but I couldn’t spend 24/7 with anyone without losing the tiny bit of sanity I still have, I would also be pissed off if he thought he could manage my time for me.

HotDogGuy · 27/05/2020 12:03

Before we had kids we both had ‘me time’. We also spent time together and split the chores. The last 2 are a more important indication of how he’ll be when he’s a parent. But wanting ‘me time’ when you’ve no other responsibilities does not mean you won’t be a hands on parent.

GabsAlot · 27/05/2020 12:52

my dsis ex started all this even though he travelled for work he wanted me time when he got home-not the same exactly but see maybe how it is after lockdown

Di11y · 27/05/2020 13:05

sounds like he's an introvert and needs regular downtime. my downtime is now doing the dishes with a podcast on! but doesn't mean he's gonna be a lazy bugger when you've got kids.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 27/05/2020 13:14

It has been almost 2 months of lockdown. Even well-matched couple are likely to feel the strain of the enforced contact. Asking for "me time" is quite healthy actually.

But if you are weary of him, and want to leave him, don't look for excuses or ways to make him the bad guy. There is no need for that, you can just leave him.