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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s ‘me time’

87 replies

toastlover100 · 26/05/2020 22:10

I have been getting huffy because of the increasing amount of time DH spends gaming/playing guitar/dossing each evening.

I asked him after dinner if we could do our joint hobby together this evening.

His response is that he would do it after his ‘me time’, which he requires 2+ hours each evening. Fine.

It’s got me thinking, AIBU to think that this is a red flag that if we have kids I will be doing the vast majority of the parenting and associated drudge work?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 26/05/2020 23:14

How does he respond if he wants to do something together and you say you're having 'Me time'? If he respects it, respect his. If not, poke him in the eye.

EustaciaPieface · 26/05/2020 23:14

I put up with it for the sake of it but urgh

Yes, what do you mean by this? Sounds awful.

Eckhart · 26/05/2020 23:18

Sounds like your joint hobby is a bit of a chore to him. He'll get round to it once he's finished having fun and relaxing. Like taking the bin out.

Lockdownsucks · 26/05/2020 23:23

Im sorry but everyone is entitled to 'me time' its not a red flag at all, just because your in a couple doesnt mean you need to be joined at the hip 24/7

wildcherries · 26/05/2020 23:25

@Eckhart

Sounds like your joint hobby is a bit of a chore to him. He'll get round to it once he's finished having fun and relaxing. Like taking the bin out.
This the impression I get as well from what the DH said. OP, perhaps it's time to find out if it really is a joined interest at this point or something you enjoy more and can, therefore, set time aside to do without him. 'Me time' is important, although I'd probably think two hours a night was a lot. And I hate the phrase.
Littleshortcake · 26/05/2020 23:29

I wouldn't like the ' me time ' phrase but two hours is ok if he hasn't kids and has done his fair share of work.
But if not he should. Mine goes out to do diy several hours a day but he genuinely is renovating our home.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 26/05/2020 23:37

If he's pulling his weight around the house then it's fine. If he isn't then I'd ask why you're with him anyway? If I was him and I'd seen you'd posted this though I'd run a mile!

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/05/2020 23:37

When is your "me time"? I suggest you make just around the time that he thinks you should cook his dinner, or when he wants a shag.....

Muh2020 · 26/05/2020 23:38

"Me time"?
He sounds like a right knickers.

Now might be the time to reevaluate your relationship with this molly.

LilyMarshall · 26/05/2020 23:39

How is the housework shared?
How is the thinking shared?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 26/05/2020 23:40

or when he wants a shag I'm not necessarily aiming this at the poster who said it but I hate how on MN sex is perceived as something for the male in the relationship only and/or something to be traded. Surely it should be something for both parties to enjoy rather than used as some kind of weapon.

curiousierandcouriser · 26/05/2020 23:40

As long as he has done his share of the work, I can't see there being an issue with "me time". It wounds like he had already planned to take the time to game before you asked him to do your joint hobby so he'd said he would do it after. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you must spend every waking moment together.

Having sometime to yourself is important for you as well. Do you have any hobbies / interests for yourself? If doing the joint hobby is important to you or you want to spend more time as a couple, talk to him about that and schedule it.

Baboomtsk · 26/05/2020 23:42

What's the problem with the phrase 'me time'? Is there a better way to describe it or is it the concept that's offensive?

PafLeChien · 26/05/2020 23:43

He prefers "his"hobby to your "joint" hobby. Impossible to reply to you without more details: if your joint hobby is watching tv, I don't blame him. If it's cycling and how you met, then i"d be more worried about having less and less in common, not about parenting.

I am not sure it's a great idea to have a child together when you (or one of you) doesn't enjoy spending time together anymore.

Instead of your "joint hobby" can you just suggest time together?

If you are both furlough and have already spend the entire day together, the man is allowed to have his "me time".

jgjgjgjgjg · 26/05/2020 23:46

When I read 'me time' I assumed you meant time to masturbate. Was thinking that 2 hours every night was quite a lot of 'me time' in that case Confused

matchboxtwentyunwell · 26/05/2020 23:46

The relationship and AIBU boards will tell you you will likely be left holding the baby, literally, while he continues his daily excessive 'me time' after it arrives.

Panpastels · 26/05/2020 23:50

I assumed me time meant masturbation too Grin
Does he do his fair share of chores? I would say that's more of a clue as to how he may be with children in the picture.
I regularly go off and do my hobby and we do have children - my dh has no issues with this, but possibly would if I made no attempt to do other stuff.

HollowTalk · 26/05/2020 23:50

He's giving you a very loud message here. His 'me time' (what the hell kind of man uses that expression?) takes priority over all other activities.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 26/05/2020 23:53

If people judged my capabilities as a mother on how I was before becoming one nobody would ever have had children with me!

PafLeChien · 26/05/2020 23:57

His 'me time' (what the hell kind of man uses that expression?) takes priority over all other activities.

as you don't know what they have been doing all day - there's still a lockdown going on - and what the "joint hobby" is, it's a bit of a leap

Original poster
toastlover100 · 26/05/2020 23:58

Yes the term ‘me time’ is rather quease-inducing.

I have nothing against him doing his hobbies. I have plenty of my own!

It is simply that anytime I fancy working on our joint hobby, which is a project we are working towards together, he disappears to do his own thing instead.

I guess PP have hit the nail on the head in that he just isn’t really that into it! It’s just strange as our relationship was based on this joint hobby.

And to those confused about the link with future DC, have you not seen the various posts about partners buggering off down the pub/to play golf/... etc just when they may have had to perform domestic/parenting duties?

He does 40-50% ish of chores etc... sometimes it takes a gentle nudge though! Still feel like I have that classic wife work mental load though.

OP posts:
PafLeChien · 26/05/2020 23:59

If people judged my capabilities as a mother on how I was before becoming one nobody would ever have had children with me!

Grin Isn't the whole point to make the most of everything before you have kids!
PafLeChien · 27/05/2020 00:01

And to those confused about the link with future DC, have you not seen the various posts about partners buggering off down the pub/to play golf/... etc just when they may have had to perform domestic/parenting duties?

if you put your joint "hobby" in the chore category yourself, it sounds like you need to find another one for both your sake.

Original poster
toastlover100 · 27/05/2020 00:04

Paf Good point, but no I don’t. Maybe I have made too much of a leap.

OP posts:
Muh2020 · 27/05/2020 00:04

He be worse once you have kids.

He doesn't sound all that invested in you, to be honest.