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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best age gap between children?

109 replies

EdinburghFirstTimer · 26/05/2020 15:06

What do you think the best age gap between young children is?

I’m thinking about many things: kids getting on well, recovery after labour, having your body to yourself for a while after pregnancy and bf, free nursery hours.

All things considered, personal and financial, what is the best gap?

OP posts:
DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/05/2020 15:49

We have 20 months between the first two and it’s lovely. They’re 4 and 5 now and have been thick as thieves throughout lockdown. Lost in their own imaginative worlds together. We also have a baby born 3.9 years after the second. It’s too early to comment on that gap yet but given how close the first two are I’d have gone for a smaller gap. Maybe 2.5 years for a bit more of a break.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/05/2020 15:50

Should add that the first year with 2 was very tough but they entertain each other and enjoy the same things so less work in the long run.

AveEldon · 26/05/2020 15:51

2 years

Lifeaback · 26/05/2020 15:54

I have 4 DC- 7,5,2 and 9 months. The eldest two have always been really close and play together nicely so I think two years is a good age gap- me and my brother are two years apart and have always had a good relationship, when we were younger for the most part enjoyed the same toys/games, and as we’ve got older we’ve been at similar life stages so have never found it hard to relate to each others situations etc.

The 15 month age gap between DD3 and DD4 has been, quite frankly, hellish. DD3 was used to being the baby so really did not take well to another baby, before she was potty trained there were two lots of nappies, twice as much crying etc. It’s getting easier though and I’m interested to see what their relationship is like as they get older as they’re so close in age.

The 7 year age gap between my oldest and youngest is also lovely for different reasons- my eldest DD dotes on the baby and is a great help.

There’s pros and cons to every age gap I think- I’m definitely not having any more children but if I was I can absolutely promise I wouldn’t have them 15 months apart ever again!

EmeraldShamrock · 26/05/2020 15:56

There is no right answer. I suppose close together the early years would be an a nightmare. Then there is different personalities, I'd a big gap 5years though if I'd have had DS when DD was still small she wouldn't get a look in, he's was so dominant and demanding from birth I couldn't give him back but I'm glad she'd 5 years as an only.

Justjoshin22 · 26/05/2020 15:57

Obviously it’s a personal thing, different for everyone but I have a 33 month age gap between my 2 girls and I think it’s ideal:

  • feel like I’ve really gotten to enjoy my first
  • got my body back for a bit and felt like ‘me’ before baby no 2.
  • the nursery funding will kick in for dd1 before I go back to work so works financially
  • my eldest is a bit more independent and also helps me look after the second.

Although they are almost 3 years apart they’ll be 2 school years apart - one will be oldest in year and the other one of the youngest but I like that it will only be a couple of years.

I don’t think I would have coped well with less than a 2 and a half year gap although I know many say it’s great if you want to condense the hard years.

SporadicNamechange · 26/05/2020 16:07

There is a decade between DS1 and DS2, and there'll be another decade between DS2 and DS3. Everyone comments: 'you do like a big age gap. Don't you?' 😆.

Tbh, the big age gap was fine, as DS1 was actually useful and the boys have literally never fought. You just can't fight with your toddler brother when you're 12; you're automatically in the wrong and DS1 used to just laugh at the toddler antics. They still get on really well now (at 10 and 20).

The downside is that you usually have to prioritise one or the other for activities, because they just can't do the same things. Although that is not necessarily terrible when your partner draws the short straw and gets to see the Postman Pat movie (for example) with the wee one, while you get to see something actually good with the older one. 😁

namesnames · 26/05/2020 16:10

There are 3 years between my sons, they are close and social together now they are older.

There are 14/18 months between my sisters and I which I have always loved, we are all extremely close.

Gwynfluff · 26/05/2020 16:13

I always thought a couple of school years was the holy grail.

Definitely need 2 calendar years though. I’ve got 30 months between 1&2 and then 26 months between 2&3.

But I like to get the stages done in one go. Which I’m maybe regretting now I’m in the midst of the teenage stage!

But I like the neatness of them all being at secondary. I was completely over primary school be the time the last one finished. But I did have 3! I’d been going there for 11 years!

Pl242 · 26/05/2020 16:31

The gap between my two is 2 and a half years. They’re currently 1 and 3. I definitely couldn’t have done a shorter gap and I think maybe a 3 year gap would have been better when my youngest was first born. I noticed friends who had this gap had an older one who understood what the baby meant a bit better. But that slightly smaller gap could help as they get older? I don’t know yet!

I think there will be pluses and minuses for all age gaps. Think you need to balance what may work best for you taking in practicalities such as finances, your age etc.

Frazzlerock · 26/05/2020 16:35

It's a real shame you can't choose your age gap (ie, I wanted 2 years between my DC but ended up with 4 years because DC2 took a long time to conceive)

But 4 years has been okay for us. I'm now pregnant with DC3 but have had lots of MMC over a further 4 years so, once again, no choice on age gap.

But in an ideal magical world, I think I'd say 3 or 4 years Smile

Mary46 · 26/05/2020 16:38

Nearly 4 years between my two. Would find two in nappies hard but works well for some. Friend had them year apart but they close now. Mine teens now

DramaAlpaca · 26/05/2020 16:46

I had three in just under four years. Looking back it was tough, but we wanted to get the baby years done quickly if we could. I was a SAHM at the time so it was manageable, it would've been impossible if we'd had to pay for childcare. It worked well for us.

RunSoICanEatCheese · 26/05/2020 16:47

21 months between me and my brother, and 21 months between DS and DD. I deliberately planned this because I’m so close to my brother and I don’t ever remember a time when he wasn’t there. I wanted to recreate this for my DC. Having 2 under 2 wasn’t as bad as I had been told it would be - yes I had 2 in nappies but they both napped and I enjoyed having 2 little ones together. They play together so nicely now. DS was never jealous of his baby sister because he was too little to know what was going on (he ignored her at first anyway!) and it’s nice that they have similar interests so it’s easier to think of ways to entertain them (especially at the moment!) I imagine it’s quite hard to think of ways to entertain a 1 year old and a 5 year old at the same time.

follygirl · 26/05/2020 16:56

We had a 2 year 3 week gap between my children and I think that's the perfect gap. It was hard dealing with a baby and a toddler but it means that they were into similar things when they got older and now that they are 16 and 14 we can have really adventurous holidays which is great.

covidmonkey · 26/05/2020 16:57

We had almost exactly two years between dc and it was really hard. Never again. I would have waited three years if I had known what I know now. Dc are now 8&10 and life is easy and they are interested in same things.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/05/2020 16:57

Having spent the last few weeks listening to my neighbour trying to manage her two..

Id say about ten years.

Long enough to determine whether the first one is NT or not and has learned plenty of coping skills and communication skills before having the next....

She appears to be struggling with a 3ish year old and a 2ish year old, and the older one seems to be displaying some fairly difficult ASD traits (PDA, total inability to cope with change to routine, growling, biting, battering baby brother, extreme frustration)...

It sure as shit doesn't sound like fun!

BathshebaAndGabriel · 26/05/2020 16:58

18 months between my 2 children. Boy and girl.
There is an entire year at the beginning that neither my husband or I can really remember!
We were very fortunate and had a lot of support for several years when they were both babies as by the time my daughter was born my parents had retired and we had a nanny 2 days a week.

They are 11 and 10 now and do get on very well in the main (my son is VERY tolerant).

Would I have a small gap again?
Probably if I had support.

spanieleyes · 26/05/2020 16:59

My niece has 10 months between number 1 and 2 and 6 months between number 2 and 3 ( very premature ) . That was tough!

CoodleMoodle · 26/05/2020 17:03

I wanted 3ish years between mine, ended up with 4yrs 4 months. Half the time it feels like the perfect gap (DD started school when DS was a few weeks old so I could snooze/bond with him like I did with her) and other times it's awful (he wants to do what she's doing but often can't or she doesn't want him to).

They're 6 and nearly 2, and for the most part they're besties... until DS touches something that belongs to DD, she gets annoyed with him, and then it's the end of the world on both sides!

EggysMom · 26/05/2020 17:03

I had a friend who said that 7 years was a good gap - the elder child is then old enough to productively help you with the younger child Smile

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/05/2020 17:05

D1 turned three a couple of months after dc2s arrival.
Positives to me:-

  • able to settle dc1 into preschool myself as was off on mat leave with dc2, rather than have the CM do it
  • dc1 toilet trained by the time dc2 came so able to take herself to the loo
  • dc1 had dropped naps so they got 1.2.1 time while dc2 was napping
  • only one dc in FT childcare at a time
  • dc1 able to climb up into their carseat while I put dc2 infant seat into place (and while heavily pregnant and struggling to lift)
  • similar interests now (5yo and 8yo)

Downsides:-

  • dc1 not at school during heavy pregnancy so ended up with lots of screentime
DamnYankee · 26/05/2020 17:09

I agree with Thecruxxofitis
4, almost 5.
I had a miscarriage and some personal trauma and my body said, "Nope. Too much stress. Not time to get pregnant!"
It's been great! They had their own everything and the only time they get crossways is when DS (15) gets a little rough with DD (11) when they are playing or racing around the house.
He is very protective of her and she adores him and helps keep him organized.

And I won't have two kids in college at the same time! Grin

DamnYankee · 26/05/2020 17:11

*Sorry. Miscarriage after DS. He was about 3

sunlightflower · 26/05/2020 17:12

We have a larger age gap, closer to 4 years.

For us it made sense. We weren't financially ready to have a second for a while. We also have very little practical support (we live a long way from family) which I think makes it harder to have two very young DC, although some manage and make it look easy!

If it weren't for coronavirus it would have been brilliant, I had a few glorious weeks with the baby whilst DD1 was at preschool and she wasn't really jealous at all, she was old enough to understand and be excited about her new sister.

It's so personal though and there definitely isn't a right way to do it. I had DC1 on the younger side compared to other mums where I live, I think if I'd been older I wouldn't have waited as long to try for DC2.

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