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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you also find this unattractive?

89 replies

XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:03

I have posted about this before but name changes before anyone calls me out on it.

DP owns house with ex and is so reluctant to push the sale forward. It’s now been ongoing for four months with no sense of urgency on his part. There are a few bits outstanding from his solicitor but he refuses to call them, only sends emails if pushed as he believes this is the job of the estate agent. His ex gf has not been involved in the sale whatsoever; he says he is too busy to chase it (he isn’t) and when I asked why his ex couldn’t also chase up he just shrugged at me. They’ve been broken up for years and don’t have any contact so it’s not because he wants her back. He’s either scared to pick up the phone or he thinks he shouldn’t have to get involved.

I know it’s not my business even though it means we can never buy a property together as he’s got about 100k tied up in this sale. (I own my house and he lives here).

But I’m actually finding his attitude towards it very unattractive and this whole ‘it’s the estate agents fault’ instead of just sorting it out is so different to my own attitude I’m finding it hard not to lose my temper with him and wondering if we’re not compatible. I honestly don’t understand why in the current economic climate he is not pushing to get this completed ASAP.

Am I being unreasonable here? Or would you also be telling him to grow a pair?

OP posts:
Bathbedandbeyond · 26/05/2020 15:06

I’d be wondering whether he really does have 100k tied up in the house, because if he did, why wouldn’t he want it? Unless they have a child and he wants a roof over their head?

nasalspray · 26/05/2020 15:06

How long have you been together?

Who lives in the house? Who pays for it?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 26/05/2020 15:08

It's pretty difficult to push house sales at the moment, I'm finding.

I would leave it to him, personally. Although I might make some conclusions about how important I am to him, especially if there are other reasons to be concerned.

Lockheart · 26/05/2020 15:10

Like I said when you first posted, what he does with his house is none of your business. You might find it annoying but it's not your property and you're not married. Leave it up to him.

If you're not attracted to him and find it so annoying then perhaps the relationship doesn't have legs.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:10

No children, the house is empty, it’s miles away hence why he doesn’t live there and currently they pay approx half for mortgage etc. Yes he has over £100k in the house it was a gift from family and I have heard them on the phone talking about it. He’s not secretive and I’ve seen mortgage statements etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:12

Why am I concerned? It means we can’t buy our own house as all the money is tied up in this one. It means he’s still tied to his ex gf. Can’t see why that wouldn’t annoy anyone.

OP posts:
EdinburghFirstTimer · 26/05/2020 15:12

LTB

CovidicusRex · 26/05/2020 15:12

Does he really like the house?

selfemployedconfused · 26/05/2020 15:15

My first thought was that he doesn't want to sell his house so he has an 'exit' from your relationship and somewhere to go back to should things not work out.

FOJN · 26/05/2020 15:15

It's not clear whether you have discussed buying property together. If you have then his behaviour might suggest some reservations about that plan.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:15

It’s a nice house but it’s empty and he doesn’t want to live in that area. In fact we are both planning on moving to a totally new area next year.

OP posts:
ScarfLadysBag · 26/05/2020 15:15

Tbh it took me and ex 10 years to sort our house situ Grin When one of us needed to finally be off the mortgage/deeds we did sort it v quickly though! We just never really got round to it before - we did the financial stuff when we split.

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 15:17

Tbh I’d take it as a sign that you’re better off not buying with him. No good can come from it, IMO.

Thatnameistaken · 26/05/2020 15:18

Why the urgency to buy a house together? If you're so irritated by him over this why not see how it goes for a few years before getting financially enmeshed with him.
Perhaps he worries that once he has his £100 he'll be railroaded into buying a house with you, he might not be ready for that.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:19

With both our salaries we can obviously afford a much nicer house, which is the reason to buy together. I’m really finding it unattractive that a grown man won’t pick up the phone and call the solicitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:20

He also never has any money spare due to paying the mortgage bills etc on this property and giving me some towards living in this house.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 26/05/2020 15:20

Why is it stopping him from buying another property?

I part own a property with my ex, last April I bought the flat I’m living in now.

selfemployedconfused · 26/05/2020 15:23

The fact he has no spare money left after paying all the bills etc. would speak volumes to me. He's not trying to save towards a place of your own together, what about date nights etc? Is he able to treat you ever if all his money is spent on his house?

maddening · 26/05/2020 15:23

Could they not rent it out and that would cover the mortgage in the meantime?

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:24

He doesn’t need to save for a place of our own together? He has plenty of equity in the old house and I’ve got plenty in mine which I own? He’s contributing towards living here meaning essentially paying for two properties.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 15:26

Just don’t do it. Keep your house, let him keep his.

You won’t change him, you’ll always find this is a hugely annoying part of his character - Imagine what it would be like a few years down the line if you actually need to rely on him for something important.

I can just about guarantee that as soon as you buy with him and all your finances become enmeshed, you’ll feel utterly trapped (you’re already losing what respect you might once have had for him) and then it’ll be far more complicated to extricate yourself from the situation.

Waveysnail · 26/05/2020 15:26

So has an offer been agreed on the house? Is he using an estate agent?

selfemployedconfused · 26/05/2020 15:27

That makes sense. I didn't know if you'd still have to save for stamp duty, solicitors fees etc.

OP, what about date nights etc? Is he able to treat you ever if all his money is spent on his house?

MyOwnSummer · 26/05/2020 15:27

I would also find this unattractive. He isn't stepping up and taking responsibility. He wants you to mother him, maybe?

What I think it signifies is short sightedness and selfishness. He is currently living rent free with you. Life is fine for him, right now - so that's it. No further thought or action required.

He is effectively sponging off you, and failing to look ahead and take action to match his words.

I would suggest laying it on the line very harshly about how his attitude is making you feel. I saw another poster on here recommend the DESC model (credit to you, PP!) -
Describe the facts of the situation
Explain how it makes you feel
Specify what you want to happen
Consequences of him doing and not doing the thing

Worth a go?

KenzoBaby · 26/05/2020 15:29

Eurgh. Nothing more unattractive than a wet lettuce.
This "man" needs to grow up and grow a pair otherwise bin!
(Presumably you are a "nag" for keeping on about it btw?)

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