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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you also find this unattractive?

89 replies

XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:03

I have posted about this before but name changes before anyone calls me out on it.

DP owns house with ex and is so reluctant to push the sale forward. It’s now been ongoing for four months with no sense of urgency on his part. There are a few bits outstanding from his solicitor but he refuses to call them, only sends emails if pushed as he believes this is the job of the estate agent. His ex gf has not been involved in the sale whatsoever; he says he is too busy to chase it (he isn’t) and when I asked why his ex couldn’t also chase up he just shrugged at me. They’ve been broken up for years and don’t have any contact so it’s not because he wants her back. He’s either scared to pick up the phone or he thinks he shouldn’t have to get involved.

I know it’s not my business even though it means we can never buy a property together as he’s got about 100k tied up in this sale. (I own my house and he lives here).

But I’m actually finding his attitude towards it very unattractive and this whole ‘it’s the estate agents fault’ instead of just sorting it out is so different to my own attitude I’m finding it hard not to lose my temper with him and wondering if we’re not compatible. I honestly don’t understand why in the current economic climate he is not pushing to get this completed ASAP.

Am I being unreasonable here? Or would you also be telling him to grow a pair?

OP posts:
FaceOfASpink · 26/05/2020 16:21

You're very different people by the sounds of it. Are you hoping he'll become more like you or are you going to spend your life with someone who you have to nag and mother? It doesn't sound much like a recipe for happiness really.

Jaxhog · 26/05/2020 16:25

giving me some towards living in this house

Presumably not a market rental contribution though? So you have every reason to nag him.

You'd think the EA would be chasing, but they don't. I've found the only way to get a house sale moving is to lean on the solicitors. Hard. They usually have lots of jobs on and will only end to prioritise those who are causing them grief i.e. someone leaning on them. They are not proactive in my experience.

I once called every solicitor in our house sales chain and sorted out a delay that had been dragging on for 3 months. It took me ONE afternoon. Sadly, you probably can't do that now thanks to GDPR.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/05/2020 16:26

IMO, if he was all that anxious to buy a home with you (even a few years down the line), he'd be moving fast to complete the sale. His dragging his feet speaks volumes as far as I'm concerned.

He's entitled to do what he wants. If I were you I'd drop it and put all the energy you're using to 'nag' (your word) him about it towards socking away as much money as you can so you can afford to buy on your own.

WipersThymes · 26/05/2020 16:27

He's keeping his options open.

LEELULUMPKIN · 26/05/2020 16:28

If you are not on the same page at the start OP you are flogging a dead horse.

Cut your losses.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 26/05/2020 16:29

I do understand OP , my exdh was very much like this, a level of inertia I was honestly baffled by. I am the complete opposite , very much dynamic . Although in truth we were both extreme ends of the spectrum . I have learnt to calm down and when to go slowly but exdh is still the extreme end of tortoise world.

It's not laziness, I couldn't understand how exdh would do a 12 hour shift without batting an eye but would take 6 weeks to make a call.

I haven't got any helpful advice as we split but I do empathise how incredibly annoying and unattractive it was. It made me realise that all our plans and Hope's for the future would be held up with his inability to ever push anything forward. I resented not being able to plan and dream. This was a part of a multitude of issues that caused the split but one of the things I find attractive about DP is that he can be very goal orientated when he needs to be.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 16:32

Those that can’t read the OP: I already own a house, we live in it now! It’s by buying/selling multiple houses that I know you have to hassle then solicitor to get any progress most of the time. These things seem to have a habit of dragging on and on otherwise.

OP posts:
SapatSea · 26/05/2020 16:33

Is he an ostrich? (head in the sand about things he doesn't want to face/deal with) or is he resistant to "nagging" (usually perfectly reasonable inquiries/requests)? He won't change and you'll be caught in this loop several time over when making major life changes and decisions.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 16:36

I’ve tried to help by suggesting asking about indemnity insurance to cover the last bit of paperwork to get it moving and was just told he wasn’t in the mood to discuss it. Im too scared to ever bring it up as immediately he gets defensive and angry.

OP posts:
Qwerty543 · 26/05/2020 16:39

What happens to this equity if he dies? Does he own it as joint tenants with his ex? If he does and he dies with no Will, she will get it all.

His lack of pro activity would put me off. Everything will always be down to you as he'll do nothing and you'll end up taking it on just to get things done.

daisychain01 · 26/05/2020 16:46

This is a sign of things to come.

It wouldn't surprise me if he isn't deliberately doing this to send you a message that he will deal with his investments in his own time and there's nothing you can do to control him.

It would be a red flag to me, that he hasn't tied up the loose ends of a previous relationship that ended years ago, when there's no real reason not to get it sorted out.

mindutopia · 26/05/2020 16:47

Do you know what the hold up is? Perhaps it's nothing he can do anything about. We had an offer accepted 3 months ago. Mortgage agreement is paused because of restrictions (can't do the valuation). Solicitor has been able to do some searches, but it's dragged along. Everything just in holding pattern until people get back from furlough and get moving. Estate agent only started back last week. It's been very slow going. No amount of calling and proding has gotten it moving any faster. It sounds like he has a bit of cognitive block about dealing with it, but even so, he probably hasn't lost much ground because very little has been happening lately.

2bazookas · 26/05/2020 16:56

Isn't that a good thing in the circumstances? Your feelings for him have cooled; probably he's aware of that and has his own hesitations about a longterm future with you.

He's already had the dismal experience of one failed relationship complicated by the ties of shared property/investment/mortgage; no wonder he's in no hurry to make the same mistake a second time.

   Best for both of you to  just tread water until you're sure which way the relationship is going.
DogInATent · 26/05/2020 16:57

Once the offer's been accepted and sale agreed, what's the estate agent got to do with it? - even if he went with the default solicitor the estate agent gets commission for recommending (you're much better off finding your own) the solicitor is working for him not the estate agent.

He needs a nudge that he's the one selling the house. He hired the estate agent to advertise it and find a buyer - that bits been done. He now needs to work out who needs the fire lighting under them - could be his solicitor, the buyer's solicitor, or the buyer. Is he able to speak to the buyer directly?

SimonJT · 26/05/2020 16:57

So you’re not even buying a property together but he has to sell it right now so you can buy a property together...

tara66 · 26/05/2020 17:01

Bad idea to just leave house standing empty for any length of time. It can get squatters and vandals. Roof may suddenly leak etc.That will be a worse problem for him. He may be inexperienced in dealing with estate agents who.have not been open anyway. Find out where it is advertised and on what property websites. Are they having an ''open day''; is it clean,how is the garden looking etc ? He needs to set up a program with them where they phone him at least once a week to report on viewings and any interest they.have had etc. If they do not - depending how bad the market is (and it may be very bad for a while) - he should change agent or perhaps get 2 agents. He needs to maintain regular contact.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/05/2020 17:11

I find his passivity puzzling and, yes, unattractive.

If he just keeps leaving it and leaving it, the house will deteriorate and be worth less. It is insured? He's not humming and hawing over that too, is he?

"He also never has any money spare due to paying the mortgage bills etc on this property and giving me some towards living in this house."
So he moved into your house. the 'some' money he gives you - is it just like incremental costs (food, utilities) or is it more like splitting living costs equally? I ask this because once you sell and buy a new place together; will that put his 'cost of living' up? Could this be behind his reluctance?

Or, does living at yours offload any decisions for him - you own it, it's your call. He leaves all the mental load of running a household to you and you alone, he just lives there but you run it. Passivity again.

He doesn't sound like a grown-up to me.

billy1966 · 26/05/2020 17:32

You sound stressed OP, most likely because your gut is telling you something.

Is he paying market rate for living in your house?

billy1966 · 26/05/2020 17:35

Because if he is paying market rate to you and splitting costs i I think you should leave his house to him.

If he's not and you are in any way subbing him.. then you have a problem and every right to be pissed.

Which is it?

Notredamn · 26/05/2020 17:36

I would find that deeply unattractive. I'd feel like I was living with a child who needed cajoling along because he can't adult.

BumbleBeee69 · 26/05/2020 17:37

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3893564-DP-dragging-his-heels-over-house?msgid=96027190

Advice given on previous OP's thread.. if it helps Flowers

Judiwench · 26/05/2020 18:01

Just out of a similar situation. Run. Aside from all the problems, do you want to be with someone who just simply cant be arsed?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 26/05/2020 18:04

(I own my house and he lives here)

That’s why he has no hurry to chase that sale at all. His ex has one house and you are providing another for him.

Does he want to buy a bigger/better together? This is a commitment as big as getting married, he may be dragging his feet because as long as the house is not sold, he is not commuting to anything.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 26/05/2020 18:07

*commiting, not commuting

GabsAlot · 26/05/2020 18:17

My dh wont phone anyone to do with bills/house stuff i dont know why or what his reasnoning is but i do it all unless security wise i cant which isnt often