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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you also find this unattractive?

89 replies

XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:03

I have posted about this before but name changes before anyone calls me out on it.

DP owns house with ex and is so reluctant to push the sale forward. It’s now been ongoing for four months with no sense of urgency on his part. There are a few bits outstanding from his solicitor but he refuses to call them, only sends emails if pushed as he believes this is the job of the estate agent. His ex gf has not been involved in the sale whatsoever; he says he is too busy to chase it (he isn’t) and when I asked why his ex couldn’t also chase up he just shrugged at me. They’ve been broken up for years and don’t have any contact so it’s not because he wants her back. He’s either scared to pick up the phone or he thinks he shouldn’t have to get involved.

I know it’s not my business even though it means we can never buy a property together as he’s got about 100k tied up in this sale. (I own my house and he lives here).

But I’m actually finding his attitude towards it very unattractive and this whole ‘it’s the estate agents fault’ instead of just sorting it out is so different to my own attitude I’m finding it hard not to lose my temper with him and wondering if we’re not compatible. I honestly don’t understand why in the current economic climate he is not pushing to get this completed ASAP.

Am I being unreasonable here? Or would you also be telling him to grow a pair?

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 15:29

He’s paying towards expenses, actually.

But that doesn’t change anything.

You’re really not compatible long term and I definitely would not cement the relationship further by getting fully embroiled with house purchase and other long-term and binding commitments.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:30

@Waveysnail they are quite far down the process but the solicitor are being slow, he refuses to chase by phone to find out what is actually outstanding and thinks the estate agent should be doing it.

@selfemployedconfused we don’t have a date night currently Grin yes he does have a bit of spare cash to do things.

OP posts:
Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 15:31

Yes I’m a nag. It’s not really about the money although that is irritating. It’s just that I’m much more of a take charge regardless of who’s ‘job it is’ and just get it fucking done kind of person.

OP posts:
FOJN · 26/05/2020 15:35

OP it's still not clear to me if the joint house purchase is a shared ambition or whether you're frustrated because he's causing a delay in a timetable and agenda he hasn't committed to.

AwwDontGo · 26/05/2020 15:44

I would not like that either OP. However, I guess it’s up to him. It’s his business and I suppose he can handle it how he wants just as you are entitled to handle yours. Maybe he is playing for extra time or maybe he just doesn’t care that much when it gets done. Now is an odd time to be selling or buying so maybe he wants to wait?
How does he respond to your ‘nagging’. He might dislike that more than you dislike him being hesitant to call his agent.
If you really dislike this characteristic in him then you need to make a decision. It’s be daft to stay with him in the hope his personality changes?

Windyatthebeach · 26/05/2020 15:47

Ime dealing with relationship breakdown aftermath is draining. Maybe he is reluctant to get it sorted and be jumping into another financial commitment...

IE buying a house with you..
No disrespect meant op...

KatherineJaneway · 26/05/2020 15:47

I would find this unattractive; lazy and bad with money.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/05/2020 15:47

I would hate this. He's basically living at yours for a discounted rate whilst delaying the prospects of you both buying another place.

I'd be considering everything in your position. One thing about men: if they want you you will be in no doubt. There will be no uncertainty.

Standrewsschool · 26/05/2020 15:54

Since March, I could understand his position, but if it’s been going on longer than that, then there’s a reason he doesn’t want to sell.

As others have suggested, it’s his bolt hole or he’s not fully committed to you. If it was a gift, maybe he feels guilty at letting it go. Maybe he still likes the link to the ex, for whatever reason.

Perhaps you should try a new approach. Accept its not going to sell, and rent it out, to cover the mortgage. Rent your place also, and then find some where new together, either to buy or to rent.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 26/05/2020 15:56

I can't call my solicitor - we've been told emails only. And some solicitors have been furloughed so the remainder have taken on more work.

DH and I are buying a house together at the moment. We're both more of the "let the solicitor get on with her job" mentality. Occasional emails to check up, but nothing more.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/05/2020 15:58

It’s not really the estate agents job to sort his paperwork with the solicitor. YANBU over his attitude and idiocy.

Candyfloss99 · 26/05/2020 16:00

Very unattractive.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 16:02

Perhaps it’s not clear enough but we are not planning on buying a property together in the immediate future. If we do it’s likely to be 2 or more years away. I’m just extrapolating that if this house doesn’t sell, it’s going to be hard for us to move on as a couple with the tie to his ex. It is his attitude that I am finding hard to deal with as it is so different to my own. If he really is so busy I also don’t understand why his ex can’t to any of the chasing. I’ve told him over and over that the estate agent isn’t going to be overly involved in his solicitors paperwork.

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 26/05/2020 16:03

Maybe he is questioning why you are so interested in his "100 grand" and why you keep pushing for a sale..Hmm

BumbleBeee69 · 26/05/2020 16:05

OP have you posted about him before ? didn't he complete the paperwork in your last Thread ?

BumbleBeee69 · 26/05/2020 16:06

You are subsidising both of them as far as I recall Flowers

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 16:06

Yes I have, yes the paperwork was completed but now there is another piece outstanding. We are back at the same problem.

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 26/05/2020 16:07

Just leave it alone, OP. It sounds like he has an emotional block and he will need to work through it at his own pace. If you don't want to buy for another two years then presumably it will be sorted by then. Things will start to move soon enough.

namesnames · 26/05/2020 16:07

What has been going on for four months?

The sale of the property?

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 16:08

The offer was accepted four months ago. House been on the market over a year. It took them a while to find a buyer as they would only accept full asking price.

OP posts:
LimeLemonOrange · 26/05/2020 16:12

You need to consider whether, long term, you will be wound up by being with a more, erm, relaxed person, if you are a 'get it done now' person.

I'm very proactive and like to make things happen now now now, and sometimes my DH isn't like that. Though to be fair, he IS like that on some things (his work and projects he's passionate about) and he isn't like that on things that require boring admin and phone calls. I still love him to bits though, and I accept that we approach some things differently.

This is obviously a biggie, it's a home, and so you're understandably frustrated by his lack of action. But have a think about whether there will be other scenarios that wind you up and whether this is a deal breaker for you.

MawnyStannit · 26/05/2020 16:12

I’m afraid I think he is dragging his heels because he just isn’t completely sure that he wants to commit to buying with you.

Original poster
XEAXii · 26/05/2020 16:13

Just because he sells this house doesn’t meant he’s buying one with me. That’s not on the cards.

OP posts:
Lifeisconfusing · 26/05/2020 16:15

Tell him to get a grip yes this would annoy me too.

Rubyroost · 26/05/2020 16:20

Charge him rent, he'll have to sort it them to pay you rent. 😂