Friend hitting on me

[Pers]

So since I've been a teenager, I've had various friends hit on me, the most recent a good friend of 15 years. This makes me feel quite upset, like my friendship is not enough and I'm more of a sex object or romantic interest. Does anyone else get offended if their friends try it on with them? People tell me I should be flattered but I feel like it's almost insulting.

Need more detail to make an all on this one. Male or female? How do you know them? Was it suddenly out of the blue? What do you mean by ‘hitting’ on you?

Male, known him since I was 17. We chat semi regularly on FaceTime or WhatsApp (I'm in another country). He sent me an essay saying he's in love with me basically. Quite a shock and then I'm put in a position where I have to let him down. It feels like I'm considered easy or something. This has happened fairly regularly since my teenage years, is this the same experience for most?

Yep. Used to make me sad.

Writing to tell you he's in love with you isn't the same as just trying it on, though, is it?

Are you single? Do you like this guy? Do you think he just wants sex and thinks you're easy? Writing a love letter seems an odd way of going about it if that's all he wants.

@Neverender why does it make you sad? I'm trying to figure out why I'm upset and angry but it's hard to express

I recently had an epiphany where I realised that pretty much every crappy situation I've been put in, or got myself into, it was because I didn't realise/think that somebody could or did think me sexy or attractive, including a very recent and very awkward experience, which was full on proposition. . .

It very much gave me the ick, and made me realise that I might have thought we were mates (albeit with a little very light flirtation, nothing that DH thought was at all over the top), he thought of me quite differently!

This says nothing about you. Except, possibly, a lack of self esteem meaning you don't see the signs - which it is for me!

@HollowTalk thanks for the reply! I'm single, yes it is a strange way to go about it if he's just after sex, but that's what it boils down to isn't it?

I think it's insulting too. It feels like they've only cultivated/maintained a friendship in the hope of something more. A view which is reinforced by the mysogynistic concept of the friendzone; sex is not a reward you are entitled to for being friends with me, I am not a charity and you have as be not been mistreated.

He sent me an essay saying he's in love with me basically.

That's not what I'd call hitting on you. You know the guy and maybe he's a sleaze, but if he's a friend I'm guessing not, so why is it hitting on you and implying that you're easy? It sounds more considered, heartfelt and sweet than that, unless you're missing out a big piece of the puzzle? If he's got no chance with you, just let him down gently and say you only see him as a friend. Hitting on you would be more presumptuous and sexual, like someone trying to touch/kiss you, taking advantage, especially when there's a reason why they shouldn't e.g. a boss or someone else's partner. For me, an essay about being in love with someone doesn't boil down to that. There's been many a thread on here where a woman is keen on a guy and been encouraged to tell him how she feels, which is the same as this in reverse. Again, you know more details, but perhaps it's also shaded by your history of being hit on... unless those were also cases of someone liking you and asking you out and the only issue is that it was unreciprocated? In that case, then I can see why people would pass it off as flattering. But if it is more invasive and breaking your boundaries, then your upset is understandable and you'd need to ditch them as friends too.

Well, I think it's because you think they see you as a human, a proper person and they want to be your actual friend, then when it comes out you question whether that was genuine (well, I did), and feel like that friendship maybe wasn't real because they wanted something from you.

@mbosnz what do you mean exactly by 'saw the signs'?

It devalued the friendship and made me feel deceived, but that's just my experience. I can't explain why but that's how I have felt.

No I understand this actually feels horrible because it feels like they only see you sexually. It happened to me more than once and I was really annoyed about it. When I turned them down politely most of them never spoke to me again - so the friendship was ruined

I understand putting yourself out there but surely you would at least fish a bit or look for a sign it’s reciprocated before dumping a huge bombshell of emotion on someone who is meant to be your friend - in the hope they will shag you

'saw the signs' - that's a hard one. But looking back, I thought what was banter between mates was so much more - or less than that. A slight level of flirtiness, particularly after drinks - way much more than that!

I used to feel like this when I was younger.

I never had any real male friends because there always seemed to be a sexual element there, from one side or the other. Or possibly imagined.

Now I’m older I find it much easier - probably because I’ve obviously aged looks wise, whilst being more confident in my personality.

So you've known him all your adult life.
He has now been honest with you and let you know how he feels.
I really don't see anything wrong with that.
Your feelings are yours and are completely valid of course.
But he has put himself out there.
You just need to be completely honest with him about how you feel.

Well he’s told you he loves you. That’s not the same as hitting on you. You obviously don’t feel the same so now you have to find a way to be kind whilst knowing the friendship most likely won’t survive. That’s shit I agree!

It's took 15 years? I definitely wouldn't say he thinks you're easy.

"He's sent an essay saying he's basically in love with you".

Yeah men don't do that when hitting on someone or when they see them as a sex object either.

I’ve experienced this a lot too, I no longer have any close male friends as they apparently all had ulterior motives or don’t see a female as a real person to build a friendship with. Even when they have girlfriends they still try it. However I don’t believe all men will be like this.

You’re upset because he’s changed the dynamic and is now forcing you in to a position of accepting him as a boyfriend or painfully rejecting him. did his message seem genuinely heartfelt? Is he a good supportive friend? There are ways to tell if they are speaking from their heart or their penis

I'm trying to figure out why I'm upset and angry but it's hard to express

Do you feel you're "out of his league" perhaps?

Oh come on. Someone confessing their undying love for you out of the blue is going to be a shock to anyone and possibly ruin the friendship

I think it’s bloody entitled to decide to dump all this on a ‘friend’ and let them deal with it. Surely you should just work out if someone has feelings for you before you do that? I personally don’t just declare love for people without being even remotely aware they may also feel the same

Lots of friendships evolve into other things. As long as the other person will accept a no thank you, it wouldn’t be of concern to me.

I feel like the situation would be completely different if the feelings were reciprocated. There have been hundred of threads on here from people who have had decades-long crushes, and who have been encouraged to 'come clean' for the possibility of a loving relationship.

I'm pretty sure the vast majority of healthy romantic relationships involve a couple who would say they are also great friends. I think someone declaring their love is an addition to that friendship, not taking it away.

I have a friend that this happened to a lot too. Both the declarations of love and trying to kiss her out of the blue.
It was partly that she didn't read the signs as a pp said and partly that her way of interacting with men is very jocular and full of banter.
It did hurt her feelings a lot at the time.