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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on grown up daughter's attitude...

88 replies

redwiner · 26/05/2020 09:25

I have 1 child, a 25yo daughter. She has an almost 3 yo son and is halfway through her 2nd pregnancy. The father of 2nd child is not same as 1st child.
My problem is her attitude towards me, I just don't know what to do. Her biological father and I divorced when she was 5, he moved to the other side of the country and she only saw him around twice a year when he'd have her for a week in the summer then over xmas/New year. I remarried when she was 9, he was absolutely lovely but was killed in a road traffic accident when she was 13. I again remarried when she was 18, and am still with him.
The problems began after my 2nd husband was killed, she changed from a hard working, clever, lovely girl to a rude, selfish, thoughtless girl. I've made so many allowances for her, she's had everything she asked for (within reason), I've paid for her to go on holidays with friends, been a taxi service, she's had all the clothes and things she asked for. When she was 19 she left a good secure job to go and work across town with ponies, this lasted about 6 months before it came to an end. She moved back home but as soon as she got herself another job she was off. That's fine, I've no problem with it but she is, to this day, rude towards me, speaks very off-hand, only comes to me When she wants something. I have her son at least twice week to give her a break (we love having him) but nothing is ever good enough for her.
She's getting married in September (all being well with covid) and im paying for most of it. I've had barely a thank you. She said I would go with her to choose her wedding dress (I didn't ask, she told me) but then got it without me. I'm sure she has made up stories about me to her fiance, she does tell lies I know as previous boyfriends have said things to me which are totally untrue. I know I need to start to back away from her because she's very manipulative but don't want to lose my grandson. How should I deal with her. She messages me umpteen times a day and I try and offer constructive help or advice- then she says I'm interfering, so I say so why tell me? To which she replies that she just thought i should know. Things like the boy is playing up, or has done something wrong. I suggest things to try or reasons behind what he's done and she says I do know that thsnk you. I feel I can't do right for doing wrong, if I don't reply I'm not bothered, if I do I'm interfering!
Where do I go from here? Sorry for the rambling but I'm so tired of it...

OP posts:

wingingit987 · 26/05/2020 09:39

I think you tell her you won't be paying for her wedding until she knows how to act like a decent daughter. I will never understand why people get married if they can't pay for it themselves.

Muminlockdown2020 · 26/05/2020 09:40

Why on earth are you paying for most of the wedding? You obviously can't buy her love as she has proven! Time to get tough I think. You won't lose your grandson as she needs you for a break.

Aria2015 · 26/05/2020 09:54

I'm afraid she sound very entitled. She obviously thinks you paying for her wedding is what's due to her, rather than an incredibly generous gift. Does she rely on you for childcare? If yes the. I doubt very much she'd cut you off if you confronted her. I really do think this type of behaviour needs to addressed. If you let it continue then I'm afraid you may well encounter the same attitude from your grandson (and future grandchildren) as they will likely mirror how they see their own mother treat you.

With the texts, she's just using you to unload. Sounds like she wants to get frustrations off her chest. Now I'm not against this but in such a one-sided relationship it's selfish and her responses to you trying to help are rude. Don't waste any more time trying to offer help when she's going to just throw it back in your face.

Original poster

redwiner · 26/05/2020 09:54

Well I said I'd pay for most of the wedding just because it's traditional isn't it? They are only having a small do (around 20 guests) so I said I'd give her £2000 towards it...(I think it's coming to about £2600-ish)
Again, it's just my way of trying to help and make things easier.
I'll be honest and say I know I've always felt as though I'm trying to make to her for things...I had very bad post natal depression so as a child I'd buy her things as my way of making it up to her (obv she didn't know what I had done, or was doing- but it made me feel better).Then i was making up for her father moving away, then I was making up for her step dad being killed. All the time I've been making up to her for things that have gone wrong.

OP posts:

lemontreebird · 26/05/2020 09:55

'She messages me umpteen times a day and I try and offer constructive help or advice- then she says I'm interfering, so I say so why tell me?'

Here, I think she's just looking for a friendly, listening ear. Not a solution.

Windyatthebeach · 26/05/2020 09:57

Sadly you need to let her grow up. She is still the spoilt dc you created..
Harsh but true.

Original poster

redwiner · 26/05/2020 09:58

Aria2015, you are right. She does think she's very entitled... but that's obv my fault. Her son is wonderful, he comes to us and has a wonderful time playing because we do lots of activities with him.
We don't have him for childcare, he goes to nursery- we started to have him 2 nights a week to give her a break when she was on her own and it's just carried on.

OP posts:

66redballons · 26/05/2020 09:58

Parents pay for the wedding of their respectful children. You can not change her, change starts with you.
And actually, traditionally, parents pay for the wedding because they arrange it, invite old Tom and Aunt Maud, who the children can’t remember. Mother of the bride gets the wedding she would have wanted for herself .

Griselda1 · 26/05/2020 09:59

She's had quite a lot of loss, I wonder did your husband's death affect her badly as that's when her behaviour changed. No excuse really but perhaps she needs counseling to look at some of these behaviours.You're a great person but you need to set boundaries and not allow her to behave like this.

Original poster

redwiner · 26/05/2020 10:01

Lemontreebird, I do see thst so how do i respond? Should I just ignore the messages? She said on Saturday he was being a brat and had ripped a book. I said that's not unheard of for a toddler to do that but it doesn't make him a brat. She said "I'm well aware of what toddlers do, thank you" ... like I say I can't win!

OP posts:

Original poster

redwiner · 26/05/2020 10:03

Griselda1 yes his death did affect her a lot and she had some counselling then said she didn't want to go anymore. I've suggested nicely she try again but she wont hear of it...

OP posts:

Boulshired · 26/05/2020 10:04

It sounds like you never had chance to have the transition when your child becomes an adult, you both went through grief at an important time in your relationship. The wedding cost is done but you need to step away to get her back on an even footing. You cannot live trying to please her for your GC as it will not help anyone and will not keep them in your life long term. If she is having a moan, let her just be sympathetic without giving advice. It is hard but what you are doing is not good for you.

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2020 10:04

You say grown up daughter but she reads more like a teen who has a lot of growing up to do.

When she texts you, she just wants your attention not your advice.

She's getting married now, some of those umpteen texts should be going to her fiance, or can be ignored - it's OK for you to be busy! And she doesn't want your advice, she needs to find her own solutions.

Really you need to let her go and be grown up.

Notredamn · 26/05/2020 10:06

I feel awful for her if I'm honest.
As for her son, she's just venting, and wanting a listening ear. If you can't offer that without becoming angry and dismissing her because of an 'attitude' which you pinpointed yourself on a huge loss, then pull away.
Financially, you've spoiled her and are wondering why she is entitled and spoiled. That's the way you've raised her.
Look to yourself for answers.

StatementKnickers · 26/05/2020 10:07

I think maybe she wants your support, not your advice. What if instead of telling her what to do you just replied with something like "sounds like a tough day, wish I were there to give you a hug" or "you deserve a long bath and a glass of wine tonight!".

AnnaMagnani · 26/05/2020 10:09

So replaying her text message about the ripped book - you are responding to her very much as Mum - Child.

Can you start responding to her in a way that's more Adult- Adult? Or fellow Mum - fellow Mum?

DD: Toddler is being a brat and has ripped a book
DM: Oh dear, but toddlers do that and it doesn't make him a brat

DD: Toddler is being a brat and has ripped a book
DM: Sounds like a bad day, roll on bed time!

Mrsjayy · 26/05/2020 10:10

When she messages you she is just looking for a oh that sounds hard dd what a difficult day you have had. She isn't looking for advice because she is defensive she is taking it as judgement, you have to stop trying to please her because you won't not with gifts of money or whatever and you need to treat her like an adult and if she is off hand tell her so.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 26/05/2020 10:11

I think with the texts acknowledge them but don't offer advice. As a young single parent sometimes I'd talk to my parents just to get my thoughts out in the air more than anything, I don't actually want any advice. Just contact with another adult really. This is a role her fiance should start taking over. I would respond with a noncommittal "That sounds frustrating for you" eventually she'll stop texting about nothing.

Original poster

redwiner · 26/05/2020 10:12

Notredam, I feel that's unfair because I haven't said at all that I get angry or dismissive. The very opposite - I try and help all I can but whatever I do is wrong in her eyes. I've never told her to get on with it, I've never let her flounder, when she was having a really bad time about months ago I took time off work to have the baby to give her breathing space... I don't know what more I could have done.
Yes, I know I've given her all I could which has made her selfish but I've never stood by and let her fall or begrudge it. All I asked was for advice for going forward...

OP posts:

BubblesBuddy · 26/05/2020 10:15

I think some posters have bern a bit harsh. Many of us do all those things for DD and you only have the one. It’s a fairly normal way to bring up a DD. I’ve done exactly the same.

However I don’t have the anger directed at me. Neither have we had deaths. Does your DD ever say she loves you, or thanks you? I think this is a big problem if she doesn’t and I would raise it with her. What does she do for you on Mother’s Day? On your birthday? What does she give back?

Also stop responding to the texts. Let her sort out her own problems. If she doesn’t want you involved in the wedding, then say you might review the gift of money. It’s time for a heart to heart to try and establish a better relationship. Listen to each other if you can.

Mrsjayy · 26/05/2020 10:15

I think maybe you have done too much she is stepping all over you it is ok for you to be busy and not pick her up everytime she falls.

Bleepbloopblarp · 26/05/2020 10:19

She sounds extremely immature and yes, spoilt. She is playing the role you have handed to her perhaps? It sounds like she’s almost testing you to see how supportive you are in any given situation? Maybe she has issues surrounding her father leaving her, that must be hard.

I would stop trying to give advice - just remain neutral and give some generic response “oh dear, it’s tough when they’re that age!” I know it will be difficult as to call your dgs a brat is awful, but it sounds like she uses things as ammunition to use against you so try not to give her any.
You’ve committed to paying for the wedding now but I wouldn’t pay for anything else - she doesn’t respect you and yet you are throwing money at her. How is she going to learn that her behaviour is unacceptable?

Funkyslippers · 26/05/2020 10:19

I know I've given her all I could

Financially, and material things, yes, you have, but what about the emotional side and giving her your time when she was growing up? Easy to say in hindsight now, but kids don't need money spent on material things which might make them happy in the short term but not in the long term. She's entitled because she's used to getting everything material that she wants.

Ponoka7 · 26/05/2020 10:21

I agree about the listening ear. I just reply 'it's a difficult age', or 's/he will be through this stage soon'.

My husband died and I did the same for my DD, i don't think that she has anything to thank you for especially. We are supposed to meet the needs of our children.

Do you just throw money at her, or were you an emotional support as well?

Do you hold the one bad decision, job wise, which a lot of people do in their younger years, against her? Are you treating her like an Adult, who has grown and changed?

She's reaching out to you, but you are giving her solution led responses and not emotional support. Giving money is similar.

Did you speak to her about the wedding dress situation? There must have been a reason why she changed her mind.

Rayn · 26/05/2020 10:21

I agree with the others and the texts. I do this with my DH
The kids have been a pain today.
I don't want him telling me that all kids are pains
I just want him to say poor you, I will pour you a big glass of wine when I get home.

However, she does need to treat you with some respect. As others as said she needs you. It's like anything stand up to it once. She may take her bat and ball home but will always come back.

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