Advice on grown up daughter's attitude...

[redwiner]

I have 1 child, a 25yo daughter. She has an almost 3 yo son and is halfway through her 2nd pregnancy. The father of 2nd child is not same as 1st child.
My problem is her attitude towards me, I just don't know what to do. Her biological father and I divorced when she was 5, he moved to the other side of the country and she only saw him around twice a year when he'd have her for a week in the summer then over xmas/New year. I remarried when she was 9, he was absolutely lovely but was killed in a road traffic accident when she was 13. I again remarried when she was 18, and am still with him.
The problems began after my 2nd husband was killed, she changed from a hard working, clever, lovely girl to a rude, selfish, thoughtless girl. I've made so many allowances for her, she's had everything she asked for (within reason), I've paid for her to go on holidays with friends, been a taxi service, she's had all the clothes and things she asked for. When she was 19 she left a good secure job to go and work across town with ponies, this lasted about 6 months before it came to an end. She moved back home but as soon as she got herself another job she was off. That's fine, I've no problem with it but she is, to this day, rude towards me, speaks very off-hand, only comes to me When she wants something. I have her son at least twice week to give her a break (we love having him) but nothing is ever good enough for her.
She's getting married in September (all being well with covid) and im paying for most of it. I've had barely a thank you. She said I would go with her to choose her wedding dress (I didn't ask, she told me) but then got it without me. I'm sure she has made up stories about me to her fiance, she does tell lies I know as previous boyfriends have said things to me which are totally untrue. I know I need to start to back away from her because she's very manipulative but don't want to lose my grandson. How should I deal with her. She messages me umpteen times a day and I try and offer constructive help or advice- then she says I'm interfering, so I say so why tell me? To which she replies that she just thought i should know. Things like the boy is playing up, or has done something wrong. I suggest things to try or reasons behind what he's done and she says I do know that thsnk you. I feel I can't do right for doing wrong, if I don't reply I'm not bothered, if I do I'm interfering!
Where do I go from here? Sorry for the rambling but I'm so tired of it...

Sounds like she has suffered alot of trauma and loss in her life and maybe resents how easily you move on with yours.
It's a big thing to lose your father figure. She has lost two and been forced to accept a third.
I think both of you would benefit from family counselling. Her behaviour towards you in not acceptable but is typical of someone who has experience so much in their younger years.

Funkyslippers , i have given her lots of time and attention too... i attended all her school events, we'd go swimming at weekends, on bike rides, I played hours and hours of board games, helped with school projects... just the 2 of us 😊
She didn't go without my time just because I bought her things. She also had my mum around the corner so she'd be there in school holidays whilst I worked so she had plenty of love around her too. I just feel she wants to blame me for everything that's happened.

Well sorry you feel I'm unfair OP, but I don't feel I am.
You've called your daughter names here and are talking about when she was still a young child, having gone through a massive loss and change. She has seen you go through new relationships which is life changing enough without the added grief and other issues teens deal with, and no doubt finds you challenging as you treat her like a naughty child when she's just offloading about her normal mum stuff.
You mention having her son twice a week, you wouldn't have given this info if you didn't feel it was relevant. Are you resentful about this? Or feel she should be grateful to you? You can always see him less if it's a problem.

I think it is hard, I've got 6 GC and yes sometimes parents moan about them. I think the best thing to do is sympathise, "Oh it is hard at that age." Or encourage, "Well you are doing a brilliant job dealing with it." Unless she actually says something like, "What would you do if......" "What do you think I should do about......"

Like the song says, "Sometimes it's hard to be a woman" the next line should be, "It's even harder being a mother."

You know the phrase “we hurt those we love the most?” Maybe she is a bit unhappy and takes it out on you as you are the one constant in her life? Maybe she knows she can be nasty to you and you’ll still be there for her? Doesn’t mean it’s ok for her to do that but It may be another way to look at it...

I wonder if she's got 'stuck' at thirteen. That the death of your second husband somehow caused her to not mentally be able to progress normally - and your desire almost to compensate for the loss of her father figures means that she's not learned quite how to 'adult' as she should.

I agree with PPs, don't offer solutions, 'hear' her problems and sympathise but let her reach her own conclusions. Maybe treat her a little bit as you would a mature thirteen year old, with some gentle guidance rather than didactic answers.

I'd take a big step back and let things cool off. She does sound like she's behaving like a brat. Perhaps that is to do with the bereavement but at 25 it's not an excuse to take her feelings out on you.
Pull away a bit and let her feel a bit of distance. Maybe then she'll appreciate you a bit more. Also I wouldn't let her criticise how you are with your grandson. If it's not good enough stop the overnight visits!

She’s the one who sounds like a brat

She just wants to blame me - of course she does, that's what mums are for!

She does sound like she was a perfect child who is having a rather late and prolonged adolescence. So it is coming as a shock to you to have a 25 yr old who has a fiance, a toddler and a baby on the way behaving like a 13 yr old.

It's weird that you felt the need to mention a job that she had when she was 19 to be honest, why on earth are you holding her past "mistakes" against her now, or even thinking about it?

As for the rest, paying for her things when she was a teenager doesn't need listing, we all do it, we are parents, they are our children, we pay for them and give them lifts and all the rest.

It sounds like there is resentment on both sides here, you are very quick to blame her "spoilt selfish attitude" and tell us what a hero you are but I would wager her side of the story is different. I'm not calling you a bad mum at all but I'm not going to call her a bad daughter either. I hope you are both able to let go and move forwards at some point, maybe joint counselling would be beneficial?

All the best OP, I sincerely hope you both forge a lovely relationship out of this

@Notredamn that's a horrible post.

I agree that the daughter has had lots of loss in her life and must have been incredibly difficult, but it doesn't excuse her being so unkind to her mum. The OP hasn't exactly had an easy time of it either by the sounds of things. OP, like others have said, it sounds like she's just venting rather than looking for advice.

Holy shit, that's a lot of trauma for one childhood.

What did you do to help her with it other than throw money at her and blame her for the emotional impact of losing two father figures by the time she reached her teens?

I mean, seriously, you sound surprised she was so badly affected by such massive tragedies. No wonder she gets frustrated with you.

@Megatron sorry it's upset you. I don't see the point in not giving an honest opinion.

I agree with Athena.

...and PPs who take the same view.

She sounds like a selfish ungrateful little cow. What a horrible attitude to her own mother - especially whilst she's using you for money or childcare when it suits her.

My mum died when I was 21, and missed out on a lot of the things your daughter clearly takes for granted. She needs to grow up a LOT and realise she won't always have people running round after her. It makes me really sad because I would have done anything to have my mum even meet my children.

You've called your daughter names here and are talking about when she was still a young child, having gone through a massive loss and change

Exactly. It's a bit rich of you to complain you think she blames you when quite clearly you've been blaming her since she was a child. It's nasty and self centred, and I sincerely doubt she won't have been aware of it.

It's you that is that the problem, op, not your child. You let her down, and I am not going to pat you on the back and join in with you continuing to blame her and shirk your own responsibility.

If that's uncomfortable for you as an adult, how do you think she has felt having to deal with your attitude since she was a bereaved 13 year old child?

You don't sound terribly empathetic tbh. You've listed everything you did for her with the expectation that she will recognise it and be grateful. No child should be grateful to their parent for what they provided, or sacrificed.

Why do you even mention things she did years ago as a child or teen? You sound as if you haven't moved on from her being a child yet and see these past events as a child as proof of her current state. But she's not a child, she's an adult.

Agree with others when she texts you it's pretty obvious she wants empathy from you, not parental advice. Offering guidance puts you straight back into the parent-child dynamic. Offer sympathy, that moves you to an adult-adult dynamic.

So her father abandoned her then she developed a relationship with a new father figure and then he died. No wonder she is messed up.
You seem to also list stuff you got her clothes etc. Was this in place of the love and support she actually needed at the time?

I have children close to that age, but no real issues with them.

But, I have a female cousin who is exactly like this, she is now in her late fifties, and is still selfish and spoiled when it comes to my aunt. It's so strange, as her brother is the exact opposite.

I think I would keep communication going, so that you still see your grandchildren, if that is what you want. So to texts, I'd text back an hour or so later, something just acknowledging you've read the text, but non committal, such as, "Oh, that's unfortunate."

In your shoes, I'd also change my Will to bypass her and leave everything to the grandchildren.

@Jojobar

Did you miss the part where this child lost her dad effectively at 5 and then her loved father figure was killed when she was only 13? All those things you missed... She was only 13, how much more to miss.

One would think you might be capable of some compassion given your own loss. Rather than projecting your jealousy to call her nasty names.

User1635482648
Why are you saying I'm blaming her for anything? I'm not... what happened over a 10 year period in which I got divorced, and widowed, was dreadful for both of us but I did my utmost to shield and protect her from as much as I could. The reason I split from her father is because he was physically abusive towards me and I didn't want her to have to witness it. I didn't make, or ask, him to move over 300 miles away - he chose to. Then obviously when my 2nd husband was killed it devastated us both. Up to this time we were very close, from the age of 7 she had a pony and we spent all weekends at the stables...this continued until she was around 17. Her behaviour changed at around 14 and I put a lot of it down to teenage behaviour and the loss of 2 important males in her life but at no time was she made to feel anything less than the most important person to me. After each man there were several years until I met the next one, there was never a stream of men coming through the door. After my husband was killed it was over 3 years until I met my now husband. She thinks the world of him by the way, and named her son after him.

I think you can treat the wedding as a milestone. Afterwards, start to step back a bit don't offer advice as she doesn't appreciate it, don't pay for anything any more.

You caring for your gs two nights a week benefits her as well as giving you access, so I don't imagine she will stop that.

Your response to some comments from some posters and the way you’re struggling to accept perhaps your communication with your dd is not going to get you what you want.

You are the parent. If you want the relationship to change, you are going to need to change your communication. Your responses to your dds complaints absolutely perpetuate the parent / child dynamic. So if you do not want your daughter to act like a child, you are going to need to talk to her like an adult.

People have explained how to do it. Your dd clearly isn’t looking for advice. Just a bit of - yeh that sounds rubbish / it’ll be ok / roll on bedtime etc. Each time you give advice rather than the responses she’s looking for, it sounds as though she feels misunderstood, belittled and invalidated.

As for the wedding, it would be really petty to withdraw 2k. She would feel once again that you are lauding your adulthood over her, the subordinate child. You cannot buy your child, for sure. However, you would be acting abysmally if you refused to fulfil your promise.