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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to tell me the bad things about living in America?

412 replies

Witchofzog · 25/05/2020 20:18

Ever since I was a child I thought I would live in America. Any visits I have made there reinforced how much I love it there (I am aware a holiday is not real life) but for various reasons it never happenned. I am now early forties with a mild heart condition and I am aware it is probably too late for me now.

I went to uni with a lovely woman who has literally got the life I wanted. She now lives in a sunny state with her husband who is handsome AND kind and has made lots of friends out there. And I am both happy for her and envious as hell. I know comparison is the thief of joy but today I have been unhealthily fixated on how her life compares to mine and I find mine sadly lacking. I will pick myself up tomorrow, re-evaluate and am already thinking of what I can do to make my own life better but still I feel sad that I never achieved my dream.

Please be kind. My uni friend is beautiful inside and out and she deserves everything she has - and she worked hard for it. But I really need to snap out of this somehow hence asking for the bad things about living stateside. I am aware my spectacles may be rose tinted so some perspective would be really helpful

OP posts:
Barryallen · 25/05/2020 23:55

I’ve been living in the US for 15 years now and I love it. However - I do feel it’s truly dependent on the state you live in! There are states (mainly Southern) I would refuse to move to!
We live in New England about an hour from Boston. It’s very liberal, few Trump supporters (thankfully - and I’m finally a citizen so I can vote against him in November!) and honestly everyone I have met has been welcoming and friendly and I’ve made some lifelong friends along the way! This area is picture postcard in many ways and excellent schools, sports and Universities. I do feel my kids have many more opportunities living here than they would have done where we lived in the UK. I do prefer the high school experience here to the UK also - more choice and academically demanding.
Yes healthcare is expensive and it’s the one thing that I still can’t wrap my head around - immensely confusing to navigate and very expensive. I’m also aware that we were brought here by work and are fortunate to be financially secure- I do have friends here who have struggled and there isn’t the social safety net that the UK has - that’s a worry at times.
I do get annoyed at the amount of anti-American views I read in here - especially from people who are basing their opinions on brief vacations to the US!

globetrotter141 · 25/05/2020 23:56

From what you've said about the job that you do, the chance of you getting a visa to live out here are close to 0. Sorry to be a bit brutal but it might help you forget the dream if you know how tough it is to get a visa - they are largely reserved for people with exceptional skills or talent who can't be found within a population of 320 million people. So you need an employer to sponsor your visa at a cost of thousands of $. Or you need to be working for a US company who are then willing to transfer you.

I'm terms of the negatives, health care is very expensive, and the politics are even more devisive than in the UK. And cost of living is higher.

But I do get why you liked it while on holiday, it's a great place to travel within and so much to see and do.

Leaannb · 25/05/2020 23:57

@MissConductUS...I'm trying to give an honest and impartial view but it's hard to when people only believe what's on Sky News or the BBC.There is so much more than Hollywood and the news and everywhere is different in the US. Even within the same state things are very,very different

belfasteast · 25/05/2020 23:58

Thanks @Leaannb. What exactly is the protocol if you find an alligator in your home or garden? Are there alligator services who come and remove them?

Leaannb · 25/05/2020 23:59

@BarryAllen...Yes about the High School experience. It truly damaged my child when we returned from UK in his Junior year and my youngest son had to be held back.a.grade

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:01

@Belfasteast...I shoot them,tag them, have them processed and then I eat them. Fried alligator is very delicious

KitchenConfidential · 26/05/2020 00:07

I have a dp who knows how I feel. He wouldn't come with me but said if I wanted to go desperately he wouldn't stand in my way. And my ds is an adult now. So theoretically I am free to do what I like now.

This really stuck out for me. So are you seriously saying you’re happy to leave your husband and marriage behind to go and have this fantasy life in the USA? Although your DS is an adult, do you really want to be an ocean away from them?

What actually is it that you like or want from a life in the USA?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 26/05/2020 00:07

I lived in Texas and I wouldn’t like to live there again. Weather was ok but the attitudes towards guns, consumerism, religion and extreme “America is great and the best country in the world nationalism” were staggering.

My friend moved to the Bible Belt as an expat, her expat package included classes for her and her family on how to integrate into American society, she was basically told she needed to one or all of these things:

  • find a sport team to support
  • have children
  • join a religious group

My friend who hates sports, didn’t plan on having children and is staunch atheist though it was never going to be, but her husband is religious so she starting making friends through her husband (as soon as he joined a bit of a Christianism on steroids group). 15 years later she just talks about kids and baking biscuits.

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:07

@MeinSuits....Not sure where you are getting your info but it is way false. I have 6 mobile phone 4 IPhone 11s and 2 Samsung Note 10 plus and my cell bill is 289 a month for unlimited data,unlimited text and unlimited minutes...

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:11

@TheMotherofAllDilemas ....I have never heard of such shite. I love in the bible belt haven't stepped foot in a church in 25 years, hate sports with a passion and as far as having children....Sterilization in the American South aka bible belt is extremely hard to get for both men and women. Especially if you haven't had children already and are under 40. That has less to do with the religious aspect and more to.do with the litigious society

Wearywithteens · 26/05/2020 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:15

@Toilenstripes...Actually Afghanistan,Iraq,Kuwait and Saudi Arabia are extremely clean. They make London and Paris look like shitty San Francisco. They are really polite and kind where they are use to seeing Western women. They are always polite and kind when you are male

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:19

Wearywithteens...That's going straight back to Plymouth Rock and our Puritan roots. But fear not drinking reasonably is no longer looked down upon. They have decided to make the "devil's lettuce" the more evil thing than everything. Heroin,coke,meth addiction and alcoholism is a disease that needs treatment. But taking a puff of "devil's lettuce is severe.

sergeilavrov · 26/05/2020 00:21

@Toilenstripes Yes, really. I’ve been to every country in the region with the exception of Iran, and I have loved them all except some issues in Turkey. I live between Israel, UAE and Saudi with my family, and all three countries are wonderful, clean places with respectful, polite and helpful people of all walks of life. Why would you think any different?

MissConductUS · 26/05/2020 00:26

@stopgap - DH grew up in Greenwich and still has family there, so we get to use the beach at Todd's Point in the summer. I love Fairfield county.

@francienolan - I'm in one of the river towns in northern Westchester but I work in Orange county.

@Leaannb - I'm glad you're feeling better. If you haven't already I hope you get in to see your GP for an exam. God knows what sequela we're going to see with covid. By the way, I think you give a very impartial and unbiased view of what it's like here and I appreciate it very much.

@Barryallen - I have family in the Boston area and DS goes to uni there. I love it there too, and it's not so different from where I live in NY. Thanks for your perspective.

francienolan · 26/05/2020 00:29

@missconductus

Lovely!! Very very very familiar with Westchester Smile

BritWifeinUSA · 26/05/2020 00:35

I live in the US. Don’t be scared by the gist of healthcare premiums. Some people font know what they are talking about. Under the ACA pre-existing conditions have no bearing on the premiums. My husband has cancer and the premium is the same even if he didn’t have it. They can’t even ask such questions when you sign up for a plan.

So far, I haven’t found any bad things about living here. I have a wonderful husband, I really like where we live, I enjoy my job and we are very comfortable financially. The only “bad” things are minor irritations such as decent cheese being very hard to find, traveling overseas is very expensive as it’s a long flight anywhere. Maternity leave is not an issue for me - several failed rounds of IVF saw to it that it won’t be needed.

Some of things mentioned on here don’t always apply. Annual leave, for example. I get 27 days plus federal holidays (such as today - Memorial Day) each year. That’s similar to what someone in my field in the UK would have.

I appreciate I have a better life here than some. And my experiences aren’t everyone’s experiences. But it is possible to have a wonderful life here, despite what all the naysayers here will tell you.

Sophiafour · 26/05/2020 00:37

There are 50 states in America and every one is unique, kind of like its own little country. California is geographically the size of the UK, more or less. Oregon is more or less the size of Scotland. New England is freezing in winter. Parts of some states on the west coast burn and choke in summer with the pollution and hillside fires. New York City is vibrant and alive but not a good place to be poor.

I have friends who live in California after moving there from Florida and although on paper their salaries are fantastic, in real life it's such an expensive state that it's not really the case. Going on holiday somewhere, or visiting relatives, is not the same as living there.

When you were working for an American company, was that in the UK or were you in the US or elsewhere? If it wasn't the US, then the people that you worked with would be likely to be some of the best educated Americans with something of an internationalised mindset.

Things that apply in every state:

  1. Trump is still President. I'm not sure the Democrats will EVER be in power again. Any day now he'll change his name to Caesar, rewrite the constitution unilaterally, and found the first American Family Political Dynasty. (Only half-joking.)
  1. Health insurance.
  1. In many states, an ingrained monoculture, sense of superiority of 'Merica, and a real lack of awareness of the rest of the world. That insularity (yes, I know, strange world to use about a megacountry) is only likely to get worse in the wake of COVID-19.
  1. Guns.
  1. The amount of sugar in food and drinks? It's eye-watering. Like you, I've visited several states there, north and south, for work and domestic reasons. To take one example, ordinary white bread tasted to me on a par with our Angel cake. And I don't know if it was just the states I visited, but for me the much touted value for money thing when it comes to food was really a myth. The portions were larger, that's all.

You mention you're an HCP; even in the current circumstances, are there no exchange programs that you could do for a few months, in an academic or hospital/care setting? It might give you a much clearer view of whether it's really the right match for you. Depending on the time frame, it'll also give you the opportunity to experience both culture shock and reverse culture shock.

Wherever you're living, the humdrum still has to be dealt with. And living abroad sounds like a wonderful adventure, and it can be, but it's really not all roses. I've done it, though not in the US. You still take yourself with you, wherever you're living.

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:40

@Sophiafour....Speaking of sugar. Did you ever try Southern Iced Tea? LMAO

wheresmymojo · 26/05/2020 00:42

but my friend is a Canadian living in America with her American husband and at the age of 38 she still hasn't had her first child despite really wanting to TTC because her and her dh can't work out a way to afford the time off afterwards.

I'm in this exact situation at the same age and live in the UK so that's not specific to the US...

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:47

@MissConductUS....I don't have a doctor right now....They got laid off and our hospital went bankrupt. I'm the only health care professional on island right now and I'm only a CRNA and a home health agency owner. I could access health care from the VA but I would honestly rather die then go that route.With you living in the States you have heard how bad the VA system is. Luckily they have candidates to interview this week

Sophiafour · 26/05/2020 00:48

@Leaannb Ha ha, yes I did indeed. I think I recall asking for a jug of water fairly fast. This was on a work-related visit which included Alabama. As well as Washington D.C. and Baltimore. On the same trip. Which was quite a surreal combination, all in all!

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:49

@sergeilavrov because she is racist as hell. Evidently other countries have issues with that and not just the States. I'm curious what issues did you have in Turkey. I loved Turkey right up until we had to.evacuate to Lakenheath. I was heartbroken

Leaannb · 26/05/2020 00:51

@Sophiafour please excuse the lack of conversion. I spent the day cleaning a British Cemetery today and exhausted. Especially for conversions. But it's literally 2 and a half cups of sugar to a gallon

MissConductUS · 26/05/2020 00:53

@francienolan - where are you living now, and did you previously live in Westchester?