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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby's ex making a nuisance of herself?

78 replies

curlyhairdiva · 25/05/2020 18:47

Not sure if I'm just being super sensitive or if I have a genuine reason to be upset, so any advice would be greatly appreciated...

My husband has a ten year old child from a previous relationship. He shares custody with his ex and picks her up several times a week. When hubby's ex found out that he was dating me five years ago, she became very jealous and stopped him from seeing the child. Anyway, after fighting it out in court, this issue was resolved. However, I get the feeling that the ex is still very jealous of his relationship and is always trying to cause trouble between us. For example, she will chat for ages with him when he collects the child (only if she knows that I am in the car) and laughs flirtatiously with him. One time she kept him chatting for almost two hours whilst I was waiting in the car. She always texts and phones him almost every day. I understand that there needs to be communication between both parties, but I really do feel that the ex does not respect boundaries. I have spoken to hubby and he does not know what to do, he worries about being rude, which I do understand, and of course he has to communicate with her if it is about the child. I really think she is determined to impose herself and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Flowersinthewild · 25/05/2020 18:55

You were left in the car for 2 hours? Where was the child during this time??

This is your partners problem to sort out. He should have halted the chat and said he had to leave as had some where to be. No one can talk for 2 hours without the other persons input so he must have been talking as well.

CanofCant · 25/05/2020 18:56

Was there any overlap with you and her? Any reason she might feel this way? What did you husband say when you told him how you felt after he kept you waiting for two hours? If he is not treating her as a nuisance then she might see no problem.
YANBU to feel that way but really, the only person that can change this is your husband.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/05/2020 18:57

Oh god she sounds delightful! Two hours waiting in the car? Your H is a twat for leaving you sitting there for that long and she clearly knows she has him where she wants him if she can do that.

But as the saying goes, it’s not an ex problem it’s a DH problem. She owes you nothing. He owes you the courtesy of sorting this out.

FWIW I’m having a similar issue at the moment. Just too close for comfort - not necessarily in a flirty way, but the over familiarity and territorial pissing of the ex, coupled with ineffective/non existent boundaries from DP have had me wondering if I should just leave them to it.

In fact I told him last night, if he wants someone like her, he has her right there under his nose all the fucking time, just go for it. But if he want to be with me I deserve to be treated with care and respect. Haven’t had much of a reply except “I love you.” So I’m taking that as ...what? He hasn’t addressed any of the problems, and if it continues that they are the primary ‘family unit’ and I’m a side piece, I’m not doing it. (I wasn’t a side piece btw, but that’s how I feel a lot of the time).

Tell him if he ever leaves you hanging around in the car like that again, you’ll drive off (take the spare key!) and that he will need to put his phone on silent if she keeps ringing and texting him, and he can check it when it’s not interrupting you. My DP always said “but it might be important - something might have happened to the kids”. Spoiler alert - it never is.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/05/2020 18:59

You’re a bloody saint to put up with it for 5 years though! (I’ve had 7.5 of it - bloody mug that I am)

Original poster
curlyhairdiva · 25/05/2020 19:04

No overlap. They had been separated for eight years when he got into a relationship with me.

OP posts:
CanofCant · 25/05/2020 19:05

But they have a ten year old?

YahBasic · 25/05/2020 19:06

My maths needs some help here.

If you’ve been together for 5 years and they were split for 8 years before that, how is their daughter only 10.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 25/05/2020 19:06

Your husband left you sitting in the car for two hours but it’s her fault? Confused

Original poster
curlyhairdiva · 25/05/2020 19:08

Apologies, my maths is wrong! They have been separated for 6 years when we got together, the baby was very young at the time.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 25/05/2020 19:08

YABU and sensitive. If you were left in the car for two hours that’s your husbands poor manners, not hers.

And why do you keep referring to your stepchild as “the child” like they’re out the Mandalorian? Confused Seems very cold and dismissive.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 25/05/2020 19:08

I'd be more furious that my partner left me in the car for two hours. Didn't you get out and go and hurry them along? That's ridiculous!!

Original poster
curlyhairdiva · 25/05/2020 19:09

He said that she was talking to him about the child and he could not get away

OP posts:
Original poster
curlyhairdiva · 25/05/2020 19:10

I didn't want to say daughter or son or reveal any other information to protect their identity. Apologies if it sounded cold

OP posts:
CanofCant · 25/05/2020 19:10

That still doesn't work. He sounds like a problem if he left his partner holding the baby, then very quickly got together with you who he now makes a fool of by putting you second. This is all on him, not her. He's playing you both.

CanofCant · 25/05/2020 19:11

Sorry, I got confused with the dates! He still sounds rubbish though.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 25/05/2020 19:12

6 years is not "very quickly got together" @CanofCant

damnthatanxiety · 25/05/2020 19:13

CanofCant where did you get that he left his partner holding the baby, The OP states that for a long time they shared custody. No one was left holding any baby.Read and stop judging based on some shit that happened to you

CanofCant · 25/05/2020 19:13

I'm not, but thanks.

BlueJava · 25/05/2020 19:14

I think it's his problem to deal with - if he stands there talking for 2 hours because he can't get away then I think he needs to be a bit more assertive. 5-10 minutes is all it needs to be polite, longer than that an he's either enjoying the attention it brings (from you or her) or he's a complete pushover.

Lorddenning1 · 25/05/2020 19:14

I have a similar problem and it was driving me mad, she stopped him seeing the little girl for a year and he had to go court too, this was around a year and a half a go now but she still dangles her over his head like a carrot to make him do things for her, and he did it as he didn't want to upset her then for her to take his little girl away again.
It all came to a head when she asked him to go and get her some alcohol and cigs, and he did, that was the absolute final straw for me, I told him I was done and I couldn't stand feeling like second best all the time and sharing him with another women who orders him around, didn't speak to him for a few days and he came back with his tail between his legs and fought and fought for us, he has now grown a back bone and has put heathy boundaries into place, he puts her firmly into her place, within reason. We shall see how it plays out, she is still a thorn in my side.

InDubiousBattle · 25/05/2020 19:15

she kept him chatting for almost 2 hours
No, he stood chatting to her for almost 2 hours. 'Curly is waiting in the car so I need to get off, etc mail or text me with any dc related stuff' is all it would have taken. With all of the flirtatious laughing, many calls, leaving you sat for two hours whilst chatting I'd be thinking that he actually enjoys it and doesn't really want it to stop.

NailsNeedDoing · 25/05/2020 19:15

If she was talking to him about their child then she wasn’t really doing anything wrong. They are parents together, to co parent well takes more time communicating than a quick hello on the doorstep and text messages.

I can totally understand why it makes you uncomfortable, but presumably, you plan to be married to your husband for the rest of your life. His child will only be a child for a few more years, and things will start to change fairly soon naturally. A sensible option would be to just ride it out instead of allowing it to create an issue now.

LellyMcKelly · 25/05/2020 19:16

You don’t have an ex problem, you have a DP problem. He’s letting this happen.

Techway · 25/05/2020 19:23

She was not holding him prisoner talking for 2 hours, if you believe that then you will never fix the issue. Your husband gets some benefit from their chats or else he wouldn't do it. He is prepared to hack you off in favour of long chats with his Ex.

Focus on why he likes the chats and you will get more progress.

vanillandhoney · 25/05/2020 19:24

You have a DH problem.

He think it's acceptable to leave you sitting in the car for two hours? I would have driven off!

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