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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby's ex making a nuisance of herself?

78 replies

curlyhairdiva · 25/05/2020 18:47

Not sure if I'm just being super sensitive or if I have a genuine reason to be upset, so any advice would be greatly appreciated...

My husband has a ten year old child from a previous relationship. He shares custody with his ex and picks her up several times a week. When hubby's ex found out that he was dating me five years ago, she became very jealous and stopped him from seeing the child. Anyway, after fighting it out in court, this issue was resolved. However, I get the feeling that the ex is still very jealous of his relationship and is always trying to cause trouble between us. For example, she will chat for ages with him when he collects the child (only if she knows that I am in the car) and laughs flirtatiously with him. One time she kept him chatting for almost two hours whilst I was waiting in the car. She always texts and phones him almost every day. I understand that there needs to be communication between both parties, but I really do feel that the ex does not respect boundaries. I have spoken to hubby and he does not know what to do, he worries about being rude, which I do understand, and of course he has to communicate with her if it is about the child. I really think she is determined to impose herself and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 25/05/2020 19:58

I voted YABU because your DH is the problem, not the ex. Am surprised that you can't see it.

WickedlyPetite · 25/05/2020 19:59

You sat in the car for two hours while your husband was "talking" to his ex. Yeah right. They're both making a right mug of you.

doodleygirl · 25/05/2020 20:00

You have a husband issue, not an ex wife issue.

Greenleavesawash · 25/05/2020 20:02

You have a problem with partner - get rid! And stop calling him hubby

SpilltheTea · 25/05/2020 20:09

Your husband is a dickhead. He allows her to behave like that instead of shutting her down, so he's the real problem here.

Lucked · 25/05/2020 20:10

I would have asked to use her loo bet she would hate that.

DH problem. Why does he think this is okay? and given that he had to go to court why is he so friendly with her?

HannahStern · 25/05/2020 20:13

Your DH left you sitting in the car for two hours while talking to his ex?

He's a catch.

SpudsGuns · 25/05/2020 20:14

Yeah ok OP Hmm

Giespeace · 25/05/2020 20:15

YABU to blame the ex. She owes you nothing.
YABU to have sat like a spare prick for two hours while they flirted. Why didn’t you just drive off and leave them to it?
YABU to not have it out with your “D” H about his lack of respect or consideration for you and your marriage. If they need time to chat and “co parent” they can do it on on their own time.

YANBU to be pissed off with the whole farce.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 25/05/2020 20:32

Stop being in the car when he drops his child off. Do you need to be there?

How often are the phonecalls? What are they about? As his child is getting older and more independent there should be less need.

What else does she do?

Sometimeswinning · 25/05/2020 20:39

It's how parents should act. Unless you're concerned hes going to end up in bed with her why dont you leave this change over to them. Dont go. You are making a mig out of yourself. She literally may just not care how you feel.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 25/05/2020 20:48

Why the hell did you sit there for two hours? I’d have been impatient after ten minutes. Were you not capable of getting out of the car and saying something?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 25/05/2020 20:50

Op I had a similar problem with my partner’s ex, she was not flattering him just plain shouty and demanding and obviously, after so many years together, he was used to pussyfoot around her not to bring one of her shouting tirades.

My partner cancelled some important plans to accommodate her changing some social plans at the last minute, he did it a second time and on the third one, I asked him to pack his bags and leave as I was not having another woman calling the shots in our relationship.

Worked a treat, he stoped entertaining her nonsense, she was a proper shouting dragon for a couple of months but now she has accepted it, all of us have found peace.

StayinginSummer · 25/05/2020 20:50

All you would be doing would be showing the ex you’re jealous, insecure and the relationship you have with your husband is rocky at best.

I’d disagree. Not everyone has the luxury of a perfect relationship. Lots of perfectly lovely men who feel very uncomfortable managing their exes, and will take the less stressful road. They know their Ex kicks off so will do anything to avoid it.

Anyone saying this is the DH and not the Ex has never seen a David Attenborough program about animals and territory!

Unfortunately. If an ex plays dirty, being the bigger person doesn’t work.

I found that kicking up an even bigger fuss worked effectively for a few years! Not to DH, but just not fading into the background. Be in the foreground, take no shit!

StayinginSummer · 25/05/2020 20:52

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas I agree. If your DH doesn’t have a backbone, then you have to find it for them! And if they won’t accept it, then I’d leave.

StayinginSummer · 25/05/2020 20:54

It's how parents should act. by making the poor child wait 2 hours on handover because you want to flirt with your Ex? No way is that good parenting!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/05/2020 20:55

Surely the kid has his own mobile phone his dad can contact him on. No need for all those long drawn out phone calls to the ex.

Your DH is absolutely playing you though. 2 hours in the car? Why were you there anyway?

Nosurveysneeded · 25/05/2020 20:59

Your partner is an adult.

He chatted with her for 2 hours whilst you were sat in the car - not her fault that he is a complete idiot and has no idea how to end a conversation. He knew you were in the car waiting! What a catch!

He worries about being rude to HER but not it would seem about being rude to YOU...

Sometimeswinning · 25/05/2020 21:01

@StayinginSummer parents chatting? Flirting is an assumption. This is where the op bows out and let them talk. Why shes in the car is beyond me.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 25/05/2020 21:02

This chatting for 2 hours whilst in the car -rude -from your husbands side and not hers.
She might ring every day -he might -should only be about the child --nothing else.
This is an issue with your DH -

Boundaries. I'm not jealous but if mine did this leaving me in the car -highly disrespectful to you. He ,might get off it.

StayinginSummer · 25/05/2020 21:07

@Sometimeswinning
Yes I do think it’s horrible to leave a child waiting so long, let alone the OP. Hand overs are stressful for children. I know, I remember them! I sometimes would be left waiting whilst I was painfully aware that my father was indulging himself by pretending he was still living at the house, helping himself to coffee. I remember feeling awkward as hell knowing that he was flirting with my mum and then going to meet his new gf. Kids notice dynamics and the OPs dynamics, considering that the Ex stopped contact whilst she appeared on the scene, and then suddenly she wants to talk for 2 hours. Not healthy and not in the interests of the kids at all. Let’s not sugarcoat that one.

IncrediblySadToo · 25/05/2020 21:12

@GreyGardens88

YABU to use the word "hubby"

It's really time to drop that nonsense. People can call their husbands whatever the hell they like.

IncrediblySadToo · 25/05/2020 21:16

@curlyhairdiva

Did she dump him because he had no balls?

She didn't keep him talking for two hours while you waited in the car. He chose to stay and talk to her. Even the most socially challenged person can excuse themselves politely.

He doesn't have to reply to non essential texts etc. He's choosing to.

Tell him it stops now. Or he's single again & can indulge her nonsense as much as he wants.

He's playing you off each other & enjoying being the 'prize'. Don't play.

Italiangreyhound · 25/05/2020 21:19

I'd talk to him and explain how you feel and I'd make it clear you won't wait two hours in the car. So I'd perhaps not go with him on drop off.

Voice0fReason · 25/05/2020 22:05

Why are you blaming her when he is the one treating you like that?

It really doesn't matter if she laughs flirtatious, it does matter if he leaves you sitting in the car while he talks to her.