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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hubby's ex making a nuisance of herself?

78 replies

curlyhairdiva · 25/05/2020 18:47

Not sure if I'm just being super sensitive or if I have a genuine reason to be upset, so any advice would be greatly appreciated...

My husband has a ten year old child from a previous relationship. He shares custody with his ex and picks her up several times a week. When hubby's ex found out that he was dating me five years ago, she became very jealous and stopped him from seeing the child. Anyway, after fighting it out in court, this issue was resolved. However, I get the feeling that the ex is still very jealous of his relationship and is always trying to cause trouble between us. For example, she will chat for ages with him when he collects the child (only if she knows that I am in the car) and laughs flirtatiously with him. One time she kept him chatting for almost two hours whilst I was waiting in the car. She always texts and phones him almost every day. I understand that there needs to be communication between both parties, but I really do feel that the ex does not respect boundaries. I have spoken to hubby and he does not know what to do, he worries about being rude, which I do understand, and of course he has to communicate with her if it is about the child. I really think she is determined to impose herself and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 25/05/2020 19:24

The problem is with your DH, not his ex.

Merlotmum85 · 25/05/2020 19:29

Your DH needs to be much more assertive here. Boundaries!

GreyGardens88 · 25/05/2020 19:29

YABU to use the word "hubby"

OllyBJolly · 25/05/2020 19:30

Yep - your DH is the one at fault here. Raise it with him.

Winterlife · 25/05/2020 19:33

Why didn't you get out of the car and intercede? Or at least ask what the delay was about? I'd have done so, though probably not for 45 minutes.

Winterlife · 25/05/2020 19:33

Another thing I'd be doing is answering his phone when she calls, and responding to her texts.

RandomMess · 25/05/2020 19:35

You have a DH issue because he isn't closing it down.

tiredanddangerous · 25/05/2020 19:35

Did she chain him to the doorstep for those two hours or could he have just walked away if he wanted to? I don’t think it’s the ex that’s the problem!

heartsonacake · 25/05/2020 19:36

Another thing I'd be doing is answering his phone when she calls, and responding to her texts.

Winterlife You can’t violate your husband’s privacy because you’re jealous and insecure. His conversations with his ex are none of your (or OP’s) business.

WorraLiberty · 25/05/2020 19:37

What?? And during those 2 hours he didn't say 'Right I have to go now' and you didn't get out of the car and say errr...'Right we have to go now'?

I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

And that's saying something on Mumsnet.

Cyberattack · 25/05/2020 19:37

Your husband shouldn't have left you waiting in the car for two hours. He was unbelievably rude to you.

WorraLiberty · 25/05/2020 19:38

Another thing I'd be doing is answering his phone when she calls, and responding to her texts.

Rather than telling your partner to grow a spine and deal with the situation properly?

You'd make yourself look like a jealous, insecure fool if you did that.

Isawamagpie · 25/05/2020 19:39

Oh my gosh, you sat in the car for 2 hours whilst they talked????? 2 hours!!!!!!!!! What is this madness.

At no point did you think, that's enough now... get out and politely say to them "hello DH ex, DH we really must get going, we have X Y Z to do blah blah blah, prehaps you can continue this over a phone call? Tatty bye DH ex. Spiffy to have seen you"

My ex Dh and I get on OK, his Mrs however is a nightmare and really has it in for me.
I'm always friendly to ex DH as funnily enough - he isn't a bad bloke.
However ex DH knows that it upsets current Mrs and he won't entertain me for long, at the door whilst doing handover, and funnily enough, I quite respect him for it.
We text most days about DS, and that's just the way it is.
Ex DH doesn't write much in texts and sometimes doesn't reply. Fine. Hes putting crazy current gf first, he doesnt have to be polite or friendly with me.

Custody and rights to see said child has been hashed out in court. Brilliant. Your DH doesn't need to be standing at doors chatting away to ex for hours or infact have any fear of her.

Very sorry op, your DH is wrong, unreasonable and quite frankly, sounds like hes doesn't mind the attention he gets from ex partner.
He should be putting your feelings first, she's irrelevant, and she's also not your problem... he is.

1forsorrow · 25/05/2020 19:39

I'd go and say I needed to use her loo. She'll look really unreasonable if she says no when she's kept him talking but she won't want you in the house. Do it every time, she'll soon stop.

Ellisandra · 25/05/2020 19:42

He couldn’t get away for TWO HOURS whilst you were sat in the car?

Think about that.

She is not the problem here.

Glowcat · 25/05/2020 19:43

It’s the flirtatious laughing, it sucks them right in.

Winterlife · 25/05/2020 19:44

I think answering is about boundaries. The ex is trying to impose her boundaries for OP’s inconvenience. I would do these things to demonstrate she’s not succeeding.

Isawamagpie · 25/05/2020 19:44

just to add op, saying

Ex doesn't respect boundaries

Unless she's peeking through your bedroom door as you and DH are DTD, ready to bust in and talk about thier child...

There really is no boundaries for her to follow? This makes no sense, its your DH that has to set boundaries that keep you feeling secure. She is not beholden to how you feel about her communication with him, this is all for DH to put in place.

Stop making the problem about the ex.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 25/05/2020 19:45

You have a partner problem, if my partner left me in the car for two hours while talking to his ex, he would be my ex too.

He is the problem, the ex didn’t have a partner waiting in the car.

Isawamagpie · 25/05/2020 19:50

Another thing I'd be doing is answering his phone when she calls, and responding to her texts

Terrible advice! Not ops place, makes op look unhinged/bothered and quite frankly if ex is trying to hurt op, this would confirm that she is infact making the desired effect

Better to stay silent.

JamieLeeCurtains · 25/05/2020 19:50

Aye, right

RedPanda2 · 25/05/2020 19:51

Sounds like they were 'talking' for 2 hours. Oh OP, this is your husband loving the flattery

Thatbitchcarolebaskin · 25/05/2020 19:51

Your husband is being a dick but the ex is getting the blame? Ok.

StayinginSummer · 25/05/2020 19:53

If someone’s being a bitch. You have to be the bigger bitch.

It’s an awful saying. However when I had similar trouble with DHs Ex, this worked for me. For me it didn’t mean being awful, but I adopted a zero tolerance policy. Waiting in the car? Press the horn. Get out the car. Stand at the doorstep with them. Whatever... but get in there and don’t stand down. People like her are being a bully and you have to stand up to them.

heartsonacake · 25/05/2020 19:55

I think answering is about boundaries. The ex is trying to impose her boundaries for OP’s inconvenience. I would do these things to demonstrate she’s not succeeding.

Winterlife And you would be massively crossing boundaries by violating your husband’s privacy like that.

All you would be doing would be showing the ex you’re jealous, insecure and the relationship you have with your husband is rocky at best.

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