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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I drive 7 hr round trip to see my dad

134 replies

disconnecteddrifter · 25/05/2020 09:17

It's his 80th. Hes all alone. Me and my son would drive down. Stay in the garden. Drive back. What would you do as they are lifting restrictions next week anyway. No symptoms been following the rules until now. Need an answer quickly thanks

OP posts:

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 25/05/2020 11:21

of course you can stop for petrol, you buy petrol normally, wear gloves, sanitise

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 25/05/2020 11:22

you can use the services toilets, wipe the seat, wash your hands, the cafes are being very careful.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 25/05/2020 11:23

Of course you can.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/05/2020 11:23

Are all services toilets open now?

HandsOffMyRights · 25/05/2020 11:24

Go!

I haven't seen my 74 year old mother since Christmas. She lives 80 miles away.

I was contemplating going to go see her in the garden this week. The Cummings Clause has compounded my decision to go.

Take water (but don't drink too much!) snacks, bucket, wipes etc.
I will wear a long dress/skirt as I wouldn't want to be negotiating trousers and weeing.

Enjoy.

AJPTaylor · 25/05/2020 11:25

I would. My dmum is 200 miles away. She is nearly 80.

b0redb0redb0red · 25/05/2020 11:26

"Leaving elderly people isolated for long periods of time is a risk in itself, which can and should be mitigated by a sensibly planned visit IMO."

This. My friend's elderly mother ended up in intensive care for reasons unconnected with COVID-19. Her family had been checking on her over the telephone during the lockdown but she was able to conceal her illness for the duration of a short telephone call, until it was too late.

Sorry, OP, I'm not trying to scare you and I'm sure your dad is absolutely fine! There just has to be a balance between, on the one hand, exposing vulnerable people to the risk of catching the virus unnecessarily, and, on the other hand, effectively boarding them up in their houses for however many months or years it takes to develop a vaccine (again, that's not aimed at you, OP - you sound like a lovely daughter. But I've come across a lot of people who rigidly interpret the rules as "you can't pay a socially distanced visit to check on a vulnerable person's safety or wellbeing, no matter what reason you have to be concerned about them" and who will shout you down and call you a selfish murderer who just wants to party if you disagree).

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 25/05/2020 11:26

I wouldn't, I'd still be too worried about picking up the virus and giving it to him. But after all the DC shenanigans I can totally understand why lots pf people would. I'm not in the Uk but your numbers are so high, and if everyone starts doing this, round 2 of COVID could be even more devastating. Loos after yourself, as your government clearly doesn't give a shit if thousands more die.

quarantinevibes · 25/05/2020 11:28

It’s quite far but if you really want to then go. What about needing the toilet etc?

Zeusthemoose · 25/05/2020 11:29

Definitely but I would maintain social distancing to be safe.

Thisismytimetoshine · 25/05/2020 11:29

It's not risk free if you stop at services for food and toilets, is it?

Savingshoes · 25/05/2020 11:30

Are service stations open as usual? I wouldn't assume so, go prepared.
And definitely go (?stay a week in the garden in a tent).

awesomeaircraft · 25/05/2020 11:35

Given the last developments, I would follow your instinct but ensure you maintain social distancing/hygiene on the way with prep suggested by other posters (wipes, etc).

Aragog · 25/05/2020 11:36

I'd go, and use his bathroom if necessary - I'd just clean it all including handles afterwards, due to his age.

I'm seeing my parents this week. First time since lockdown started. There driving down for my nana's funeral. We can't go due to number restrictions but they're visiting for a walk and a drink in the garden. They'll use the bathroom before driving three hours back I'm sure.

We won't be seeing them one at a time either and if they want to give their teenage granddaughter a hug we are fine with that. My parents are pretty healthy and under 70. They and us have been following the guidelines throughout bar a couple of transgressions - another funeral (my FIL) earlier in and bil visited us at that time. We've been sensible and using common sense and instinct feel this is safe to do.

Emendator · 25/05/2020 11:37

If you get stopped, tell them your name is Dominic Cummings. You'll probably get a police escort!

MintyMabel · 25/05/2020 11:39

But after all the DC shenanigans I can totally understand why lots pf people would.

How anyone can see the outpouring of anger about what he did and how it has been defended by the PM and still think they should do the same as him shows just how stupid people can be.

RedToothBrush · 25/05/2020 11:40

Ask Dominic if there is a suitable loophole.

missionalmostimpossible · 25/05/2020 11:44

I would definitely go if I was you, just sit in the garden and enjoy spending the time with him. If you need to use the loo, just make sure to thoroughly clean the bathroom wearing plastic gloves afterwards.

YouokHun · 25/05/2020 11:58

No, it will put him at risk. Just because Dominic C is an idiot doesn’t mean we should all put our elderly relatives at risk now

My father is 81 and has end stage Lymphoma. I haven’t seen him for weeks and weeks and haven’t been able to support him face to face. Yesterday he said to me, “ I’m going to die, probably in weeks, not in months. I want to live a little while I can and die of Covid if I must, so come and see me, come and sit next to me, within 2 metres, because otherwise I’ll have to wait alone for the cancer to kill me. Except I won’t wait, I’ll sort it out for myself, because I can’t manage this lockdown anymore.”

I think for many this is now a mental health crisis and for that reason we have to use our common sense in applying what we’re told is best hygiene practice. The decision about risk gets more complex by the day. I’m including my 15 year old son who is also beginning to get very depressed about isolation from friends, he was doing well but the last 10 days have seen a real downturn. We’ve all followed the advice to the letter but I’m not sure how long he can sustain it tbh.

So, OP, go and see him. You all sound like you’ll do it sensibly and it will make his day.

jugglingbeans · 25/05/2020 12:02

No, you shouldn't. The journey is too long.

Sodamncold · 25/05/2020 12:03

**But after all the DC shenanigans I can totally understand why lots pf people would.
**

So their commitment to lockdown was based on the behaviour of one government advisor?

GreekOddess · 25/05/2020 12:22

It would appear that nobody is following the rules/guidelines now so just do want you want because everybody else is doing just that.

jugglingbeans · 25/05/2020 12:32

It would appear that nobody is following the rules/guidelines now so just do want you want because everybody else is doing just that.

Unless the rules say that you must install the app then we're following them.

cakeisalwaystheanswer · 25/05/2020 12:33

Please go OP. I am watching my elderly neighbour slowly decline and I think she will be one of the non-covid casualties of this pandemic. She was incredibly upbeat and in good health pre-lockdown. I shop for her and always chat from a distance when I drop stuff off but I am only a neighbour, not family.

One of her DCs lives about 5 miles away but doesn't drive, and another lives about a 20 min drive away. Neither of them have made any effort to come and garden visit her during lockdown and I think it would give her a huge boost. I am sure your DF would benefit as well.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 25/05/2020 12:34

please dont use his toilet,
use the service station toilets

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