Choosing bridesmaids dilemma: AIBU to ask how much preserving friendships was a factor in decision making?

[littlefishywhyareyousleeping]

I first want to say how blessed I am to be in a position with so many friends, I do not take this for granted. I have had a very difficult time choosing bridesmaids because it means I have to pick favourites out of my friends, which I feel guilty that do have - is this normal too? I am not in a position where I have to make a quick decision and have time but it is so hard! Is choosing bridesmaids this hard for everyone?

My situation:

I don't object to having a large group of bridesmaids , but it gets expensive. I have split my options into three groups: group 1: 4 friends I love the most, group 2: 6 other friends who would pick me and will be surprised and upset if I don't pick them, and group 3: a further 5 I have to ask if I ask the 6 because we are equally friends, I am closer to some of group 3 than group 2, and it would be odd if I didn't .

From group 1: 3 of the top 4 friends I value the most, I expect they may not even have me as a bridesmaid at their wedding as they have lots of other friends, but I connect with them more and enjoy our conversations more. I will be the first to get married and I would feel very sad if they didn't pick me in return, because they are the ones I would pick first, but I do understand and am just grateful for their friendship. For this reason I understand how upset group 2 may be if I dont pick them.

The girls from group 2 to varying degrees, could all potentially choose me as a maid of honour, and if I didn't pick them to be at least bridesmaids I expect they would be very shocked and our friendship could grow apart. I think the reason they may pick me is because they don't have many other friends and put alot of value on our friendship, and I do love and care for them so much. We grew up together at school. One of these has actually told me they would be really upset if they weren't at least a bridesmaid because I will be their maid of honour, but there are 2 others I would say I have an equal level of friendship with as this girl so its a package deal. A couple have even hinted planning my hen party and they they would want to be maid of honour. I don't think they would be understanding or forgive if I didn't pick them and my priority is the friendship.The truth is I went to uni and made friends that I have more in common with, but group 2 will always be my girls and even though we have less in common, I would do anything for them.

From group 3: the final 5, there are some that I am closer to than those from group 2. 2 of these are my cousins and we had so much fun growing up together it would be lovely to have them by me. Another is a great friend who I have become really close to but only known a year, and we just clicked. we hang around with another girl who I really like but wouldn't necessarily pick but that other girl wouldn't understand if I picked my great friend over her as our friendship comes in a three and feels very equal- another package deal!

Its not as easy as invite who I want, because thats not as important to me as their feelings and maintaining friendships, so can you please advise with this in mind.

how would you pick?

I'd say just sister too!
I have about 6 close female friends, but also wanted my sister, cousin, and SIL. I think loads of bridesmaids is a bit tacky (and v expensive) so just went with the last 3 and said it was family only.

I was one of ten bridesmaids for a friend of mine. She had many different friendship groups too. My other friend, from a group of 14, got married and just had her sister and her husband's sister (also in the group of 14) as bridesmaids. She asked if we'd mind all wearing the same colour, but dresses of our choice, as the bridesmaids so that we looked a bit like a special part of the wedding party. In the photos you can tell obviously that the two bridesmaids had the same dresses, etc, but the pictures actually looked really lovely! She then had the job of giving a couple of us special tasks, so one helped her pick her bouquet and included her 'birth flower'. Another three gave readings. Two more were witnesses. I think four went dress shopping with her, possibly five, I can't remember. You can definitely include them all in some way, even if not as bridesmaid.

I would consider not having any. I only had 2 and even then it was complicated. I was aware that neither of them really wanted to be a bridesmaid and would have muched preferred picking their own outfit for the day. Both had busy lives and even finding time to go to fittings together was hard work!

The older I get the more I realise how weird it is choosing favourites and putting them in matching outfits. My friend recently had flower girls and her best friend was around to help her get ready. It was very royal wedding and they looked lovely. Friends weren't offended and they must have saved a lot of money!

Have you thought that some of your friends might not actually want to be a bridesmaid?

I have 2 sisters so am going with just the 2 of them, but I put it to my friends and most of them honestly told me they’d rather not have the pressure of being a bridesmaid which I completely understood.

Have you actually promised to any of your friends that they would be your bridesmaid, and this is why you're stressing?

Even if you have done that - if you explain sensitively why they can't be, most people will be ok with that. There are ways of managing this without it being a ridiculous stress for you or hurtful to your friends!

I couldn't choose for different reasons (didn't want certain people I was being forced to include due to family pressure) so only had my two youngest family members as flower girls. Friends helped me get ready and understood why I had chosen to do it that way, there was no animosity. Having none was a lot simpler.

I am clearly not a big wedding person but even 6 bridesmaids sounds a huge number to me?! Is there any reason they wouldn't be standing by you if they weren't your bridesmaids? I would stick stick with just your sister, that way no one can be offended.

PS The only time I have been a bridesmaid I didn't really want to be as I felt awkward about the entire thing. I thought she would be offended if I said no, so I did it. As it turned out, I didn't enjoy the wedding much, but it improved her day for her so that was fine. But if you can, please do give them the option to say no.

Make a group chat with all 20. Explain you would love to pick them all but you realistically can't have 20 bridesmaids you can only have 4 so you're going to have your sister and then draw 3 names out of a hat for the others.

Good grief, don't do this. You'll be the subject of a bridezilla thread on AIBU.

I was the second one of my friendship groups to get marries
The first one who got married choose none of us as bridesmaids and I wasnt arsed. But she did choose ladies who she doesnt even speak to now and massively regretted it.
Shes getting married for the 2nd time later this year hopefully and is having 2 of our group of 5 as brides maids. The other girl and me again not fussed! But i could see how this could cause drama

When i got married a year later i had my sister and 2 cousins. Absolutely no regrets and would do that again.
Hopefully people would be mature with your choices but you can never guarantee it.

Either just family or noone i say

I had my sister, my now husband's sisters and two of my oldest close friends from high school.

A good friend's little girl was my flower girl. No other friends were offended. It's very easy to over think.

But I would say, if some in group 2 are more likely to ask you than the preferred group 1. Are you asking group 1 because they're the popular crowd, or because they are your closest friends?

Good grief, don't do this. You'll be the subject of a bridezilla thread on AIBU

😂😘

Didn’t mean to post 😘

Here's some perspective from someone who has been both a bride and a bridesmaid recently.

As a former bride, I think it is very unreasonable to dictate what someone else is going to wear to your wedding unless you're paying for the outfit. And I also think that you should want your bridesmaids to look and feel nice. Realistically, it's very difficult to find a nice bridesmaid's dress for less than £100. So you need to factor in that amount per bridesmaid. I had two bridesmaids and I wanted them to look good. Finding a colour and style that looked great on both of them was a real challenge. I ended up choosing the theme colour for my wedding to match the only acceptable bridesmaid's dress we found. Literally, the flowers, the men's ties, all of it was chosen to match the bridesmaids' dresses. They looked fantastic. But there were only two of them. If I'd had, say, five or more bridesmaids, I would have just had to choose a dress and say they were all wearing it whether they liked it or not, and I'd have spent upwards of £500 buying dresses that some of them would have hated and not looked good in.

Then you need to think about what you actually want your bridesmaids to do. Mine planned my hen do, helped me get ready in the morning, gave me advice about the choice of dress (over WhatsApp as we were in different countries) and helped keep my family under control. One of them helped me do the orders of service. I think that if you have one bridesmaid, there will be quite a lot of work for her to do and quite a lot of responsibility. (And stress for you if she isn't up to the task.) If you have more than three then there won't be enough jobs to go round, there will likely be arguments, and they'll struggle to get organised. One person will probably end up doing most of the work. I think two or three is the magic number here. I had two bridesmaids who did a great job of planning my hen, and when I was a bridesmaid there were three of us. Any more would have been chaos.

Being a bridesmaid is an honour, but it's also quite stressful if you're trying to do a good job. Maybe a lot of your friends would rather just come to your wedding wearing a dress they have picked out themselves and have a lovely time as a guest.

Finally, weddings with an insane number of bridesmaids look ridiculous. If you have ten bridesmaids then a large-ish proportion of the young female guests at your wedding will be dressed alike. That means that those friends who you believe would be upset not to be considered worthy of being a bridesmaid will feel less honoured to be asked to be one given how many people you've asked (especially if you've given the impression that you've asked them all so as not to offend anyone) and anyone you haven't asked to be a bridesmaid will really feel at the bottom of the pecking order.

If you only have your sister and cousins then all your friends are welcome to tell themselves that they're your no.1 friend.

Why not just have your sister as your 1 official bridesmaid but ask the others to help you get ready so that you have the fun of that and they are all together.

Adult bridesmaids are tacky
Find some children and drop all of the adults

The Maid of Honour is a married woman- have you been married before?

That's great that you know what you want (group 1 and cousins). Now you just have to work out how to share the news tactfully.

I had 1 best friend and dh sister.

I think it is really easiest to say it is family as bridesmaids if you have a lot of friends.
I do have lots of friends, but one was clearly my best friend who i ahd known for a long time through thick and thin.
I am now in my 50's we are still close. The other friends from the time I am no longer close to.

but I don't blame them for being hurt if their best friend didn't even pick them to be a bridesmaid but all those omen are not your best friends, it defeats the definition. They might ask be your closest friends, but they aren't all equal. So if Kandy is offended you picked Emily because Emily is your best friend and not Mammary but Manet thought you were best friends and now she knows you're not she's not going to talk to you, i'd say you all need to grow some prospective.

My best friend was my bridesmaids, u want her because she has lots of friends she's been bridesmaid for and would want to reciprocate the offer so instead she had her sister and two nieces. She might n having her, but I can't remember as it got reduced due to clovid and no one could attend

She asked if we'd mind all wearing the same colour, but dresses of our choice, as the bridesmaids so that we looked a bit like a special part of the wedding party. yup my group of friends room high school all quite something of the bridesmaids colours and they did a speech on the evening reception so thry still felt special

Just sister nice and simple

Just have immediate family, ie your sister and that’s it

Sister and cousins - honestly it will become so complicated to organise and arrange with large numbers! They will all still be there for you on your day x

I’d ask your sister only.

I think just family only. Asking certain friends only can be a minefield. I have two close friends from uni and I thought the three of us were equally close. Then one got married and chose the other one as a bridesmaid. I didn’t expect to be asked and wasn’t bothered about being a bridesmaid but it hurt to find out that she didn’t view us equally