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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choosing bridesmaids dilemma: AIBU to ask how much preserving friendships was a factor in decision making?

104 replies

littlefishywhyareyousleeping · 24/05/2020 17:34

I first want to say how blessed I am to be in a position with so many friends, I do not take this for granted. I have had a very difficult time choosing bridesmaids because it means I have to pick favourites out of my friends, which I feel guilty that do have - is this normal too? I am not in a position where I have to make a quick decision and have time but it is so hard! Is choosing bridesmaids this hard for everyone?

My situation:

I don't object to having a large group of bridesmaids , but it gets expensive. I have split my options into three groups: group 1: 4 friends I love the most, group 2: 6 other friends who would pick me and will be surprised and upset if I don't pick them, and group 3: a further 5 I have to ask if I ask the 6 because we are equally friends, I am closer to some of group 3 than group 2, and it would be odd if I didn't .

From group 1: 3 of the top 4 friends I value the most, I expect they may not even have me as a bridesmaid at their wedding as they have lots of other friends, but I connect with them more and enjoy our conversations more. I will be the first to get married and I would feel very sad if they didn't pick me in return, because they are the ones I would pick first, but I do understand and am just grateful for their friendship. For this reason I understand how upset group 2 may be if I dont pick them.

The girls from group 2 to varying degrees, could all potentially choose me as a maid of honour, and if I didn't pick them to be at least bridesmaids I expect they would be very shocked and our friendship could grow apart. I think the reason they may pick me is because they don't have many other friends and put alot of value on our friendship, and I do love and care for them so much. We grew up together at school. One of these has actually told me they would be really upset if they weren't at least a bridesmaid because I will be their maid of honour, but there are 2 others I would say I have an equal level of friendship with as this girl so its a package deal. A couple have even hinted planning my hen party and they they would want to be maid of honour. I don't think they would be understanding or forgive if I didn't pick them and my priority is the friendship.The truth is I went to uni and made friends that I have more in common with, but group 2 will always be my girls and even though we have less in common, I would do anything for them.

From group 3: the final 5, there are some that I am closer to than those from group 2. 2 of these are my cousins and we had so much fun growing up together it would be lovely to have them by me. Another is a great friend who I have become really close to but only known a year, and we just clicked. we hang around with another girl who I really like but wouldn't necessarily pick but that other girl wouldn't understand if I picked my great friend over her as our friendship comes in a three and feels very equal- another package deal!

Its not as easy as invite who I want, because thats not as important to me as their feelings and maintaining friendships, so can you please advise with this in mind.

how would you pick?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 24/05/2020 18:34

Sorry but this ask sounds v immature.

If you don't pick them to be your bridesmaids they won't understand and it'll damage the friendship? How old are you q all?

Sister and 2 cousins.
"there's so many people I genuinely love that I couldn't pick so I've kept our to family only"

Moonshinemisses · 24/05/2020 18:36

Do you have any little ones in your family cousins/ nieces/nephew's?. If you do I'd just have them & your sister. Little ones are great & much easier. They generally love the outfits, fun to be around and provide some light relief to the proceedings

rosyribbon · 24/05/2020 18:38

Have your sister as maid of honour and tell your friends you couldn't have them all as bridesmaids and didnt want to choose between them as they were all important to you.
Do you have 1 friend that you absolutely consider as your best friend above all others and she is the most important to you? If so ask her too.

If the others are good friends they will understand and appreciate your honesty. I was upfront with one of my best friends and told her I would have loved to have her but couldn't as I already had 2 adults,1 teen and 2 flower girls. She said as much as she would have been honoured she understood,I think I was more upset having to tell her as I had worried so much about it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 24/05/2020 18:38

Dress - £50. -£150 average
Shoes - £30 -£50
Hair and makeup - £50
Jewellery - £20
Bridesmaids gift - £50-100
Overnight accommodation - £150 (2 nights if destination is too far so bm's required the night before

Let's be clear that lots of people don't pay for lots of this. But it might focus your mind.

Plus - best man, groomsmen. To match quantities of bridesmaids.

It racks up. And it comes with tons of angst getting them to all agree on shit. When you put your foot down, you're bridezilla.

nervousnelly8 · 24/05/2020 18:41

I just went for immediate family because I didn't want to upset anyone. It made the run up to the wedding so much less stressful. With hindsight, I'm a bit sad I didn't just have a big group of the girls that I wanted. At the time I felt I couldn't choose some from within a friendship group and not others, and also that I couldn't not ask people who had asked me to be bridesmaid for their wedding. Under those criteria I would have had 9. Looking back, I probably could have gotten it down to 6 if I'd been sensitive about it.

I think I feel I missed out because of the pictures. DH has some lovely snaps with his groomsmen, but I only have one with my closest girlfriends from school and none at all with my university friends. This could probably be avoided if you follow PPs suggestion of doing a "theme" like a colour and letting your photographer know in advance that it's really important that you get some good photos with your girls.

LavenderLotus · 24/05/2020 18:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

dancemom · 24/05/2020 18:47

Make a group chat with all 20.
Explain you would love to pick them all but you realistically can't have 20 bridesmaids you can only have 4 so you're going to have your sister and then draw 3 names out of a hat for the others.
Then announce it was your group one people who's names got drawn.
Invite the others to wear a certain colour for special photos if you want this.

Bedroomdilemma · 24/05/2020 18:49

Agree, just your sister.

SE13Mummy · 24/05/2020 18:49

Another vote for sister only or sister plus cousins. I wouldn't choose random family children you don't know just because they're children though, that would be odd. If you have a friend with bridesmaid-aged children, children you babysit for etc., then that might be another idea.

I got married nearly 20 years ago and at 24 was one of the first of my friends to do so. I don't have any sisters but asked one of my cousins, a uni friend who was close to both DH and me, along with a fairly new friend who was a colleague. My mum was keen for me to ask an older cousin's daughter to be a flower girl but as I didn't really know her, that felt weird. Instead, we asked the daughter of a couple of DH's friends from church. I didn't ask my housemate, my closest uni friends, any of my long-standing friends from primary or secondary school. It hasn't affected any of my friendships. My housemate is Godmother to DD1, closest uni friend is still my closest friend even though we live hundreds of miles apart, a couple of my school friends are godparents to DD2... the uni friend who was a bridesmaid is the only one I'm rarely in touch with these days and that's because she never replies to anything! She was always the one who had a cooler, closer group of friends and didn't 'need' me too. A couple of my closest uni friends didn't have bridesmaids at all, most school friends had their sisters and the cousin of mine who was my bridesmaid, had my DDs as hers - she'd have found it hard to choose between friends and has no sisters so having children only was very straightforward.

If you feel friends will be disappointed to the extent your friendships may be damaged, then they're not the right friends to be your bridesmaids. Let all your friends know that you will be having family bridesmaids only. If anyone presses you, explain that having ten+ bridesmaids isn't what you want to do. Perhaps there's a reading you'd like one of your friends to do, or to sing/play during the signing of the register if any of them is particularly musical, or maybe a few could be ushers? There are plenty of ways friends can be involved in a wedding, not just as a bridesmaid.

TildaTurnip · 24/05/2020 18:51

I agree just your sister. That way, there really is no way they could question it.

singtanana · 24/05/2020 18:56

Another vote for sister and cousins. No one is hurt and you’ve got special people by your side. Of course they could all come to the hen etc so you can still enjoy the run up to the wedding with them.

ladyvimes · 24/05/2020 18:57

I had the same problem. I had five bridesmaids in the end - all family. If I’d had my friends as well I would have had to have had about 15 bridesmaids!

BikeRunSki · 24/05/2020 19:01

1- none (offend everyone or no one)
2- close female relatives (easy to justify)
3 - token cute child(ren), preferably under about 8 for cuteness (this option is all about the cuteness, not long standing significance),

BikeRunSki · 24/05/2020 19:02

4- one long-standing very good friend, maybe from school, who is recognisably you’re very best friend ever, to all your other friends.

Spied · 24/05/2020 19:07

Sister

Or do a raffle. Get them all involved and up for it. Grin

BlueJava · 24/05/2020 19:08

I'd just for for my sister and leave it at that.

@thesnoopdragon - I imagine that's why the OP is here, because she wanted ideas.

BikeRunSki · 24/05/2020 19:09

Actually
Option 5 - me
I’ve never been a bridesmaid. Even my sister didn’t want me. I was out cited by her then 3 year old niece.

SparkyBlue · 24/05/2020 19:10

Just have your sister. Don't engage with any drama .

Hunnybears · 24/05/2020 19:10

With all due respect you surely aren’t that close to all those ladies? Maybe you are, but most people have 1,2 or perhaps 3 best friends that they have either known a long time or spend the most time with.

Then ‘good friends’, then ‘friends, then acquaintances.

You can’t pick them all. So can’t you chose two of your closest ones?

BikeRunSki · 24/05/2020 19:10

*cited = cuted

Purpleartichoke · 24/05/2020 19:13

If you have one friend who stands out from the rest, pick 1. Otherwise just make it easy, have your sister.

If you want to make your friend group special in some way, you could get them all flowers to wear.

Hunnybears · 24/05/2020 19:14

Also believe me when I say -you will offend someone! There will always be someone ‘put out’ by a decision you make about your wedding.

You won’t be able to please everyone and there’s a point where you will stop and think ‘this is my day and I need to do what works for me and not try to keep everyone else happy’

It’s your day and anyone that takes the huff really isn’t as close to you as you thought!

julybaby32 · 24/05/2020 19:15

If you feel you would be missing out without a bridesmaid, and your sister is in any case in group 1, have your sister only. If you don't have your sister in case you offend one of your friends, both you and she will forget it and you will have sent out a clear message to your sister that you value her less than your friends. Any friend who expects yo be your bridesmaid instead of your sister is really quite likely to make your day a misery and all about her. Second choice, sister and both cousins. I can't see a realistic 3rd choice on the information you give. Even if you had the money to have them all as bridesmaids, it sounds as though you would spend all your time adjudicating bridesmaid all trying to prove they were closest to you.

EileenAlanna · 24/05/2020 19:16

Does your fiance have any sisters/cousins he may be close to? Between your sister & 2 cousins plus any from his side that's more than enough to make a choice from. If anyone is disappointed at being "left out" at least the only reason for it will because it's family members only.

Original poster
littlefishywhyareyousleeping · 24/05/2020 19:19

@nervousnelly8 this is a big fear of mine, getting it wrong and regretting it. I imagine having all my girls there to support me :)

@SleepingStandingUp yes it is immature, but I don't blame them for being hurt if their best friend didn't even pick them to be a bridesmaid

@SE13Mummy the friends that would be offended are the sensitive type, I have learnt to accept it over the years. I love them and want to keep them in my life,

seeing everyones posts saying sister and cousins has really helped me realise I defiantly want them there standing with me, but it has also made me realise that I want all of group 1 too. So I think ill keep it at 6 people total and will maybe use @dancemom suggestion or another story of how I came up with a 'fair' way of choosing them so no-one could get offended. Thank you for all your help

OP posts:
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