Choosing bridesmaids dilemma: AIBU to ask how much preserving friendships was a factor in decision making?

[littlefishywhyareyousleeping]

I first want to say how blessed I am to be in a position with so many friends, I do not take this for granted. I have had a very difficult time choosing bridesmaids because it means I have to pick favourites out of my friends, which I feel guilty that do have - is this normal too? I am not in a position where I have to make a quick decision and have time but it is so hard! Is choosing bridesmaids this hard for everyone?

My situation:

I don't object to having a large group of bridesmaids , but it gets expensive. I have split my options into three groups: group 1: 4 friends I love the most, group 2: 6 other friends who would pick me and will be surprised and upset if I don't pick them, and group 3: a further 5 I have to ask if I ask the 6 because we are equally friends, I am closer to some of group 3 than group 2, and it would be odd if I didn't .

From group 1: 3 of the top 4 friends I value the most, I expect they may not even have me as a bridesmaid at their wedding as they have lots of other friends, but I connect with them more and enjoy our conversations more. I will be the first to get married and I would feel very sad if they didn't pick me in return, because they are the ones I would pick first, but I do understand and am just grateful for their friendship. For this reason I understand how upset group 2 may be if I dont pick them.

The girls from group 2 to varying degrees, could all potentially choose me as a maid of honour, and if I didn't pick them to be at least bridesmaids I expect they would be very shocked and our friendship could grow apart. I think the reason they may pick me is because they don't have many other friends and put alot of value on our friendship, and I do love and care for them so much. We grew up together at school. One of these has actually told me they would be really upset if they weren't at least a bridesmaid because I will be their maid of honour, but there are 2 others I would say I have an equal level of friendship with as this girl so its a package deal. A couple have even hinted planning my hen party and they they would want to be maid of honour. I don't think they would be understanding or forgive if I didn't pick them and my priority is the friendship.The truth is I went to uni and made friends that I have more in common with, but group 2 will always be my girls and even though we have less in common, I would do anything for them.

From group 3: the final 5, there are some that I am closer to than those from group 2. 2 of these are my cousins and we had so much fun growing up together it would be lovely to have them by me. Another is a great friend who I have become really close to but only known a year, and we just clicked. we hang around with another girl who I really like but wouldn't necessarily pick but that other girl wouldn't understand if I picked my great friend over her as our friendship comes in a three and feels very equal- another package deal!

Its not as easy as invite who I want, because thats not as important to me as their feelings and maintaining friendships, so can you please advise with this in mind.

how would you pick?

Sister and 2 cousins unless one of your others is your absolute best friend I'd have 4. I'm one of the last of my friends to get married and I'm only going to be bridesmaid to one of the others next year. You cant pick people based on them picking you as it's your decision noone elses but if you dont want all of them, stick to family. The rest of your friends will still be your hen party and a big part of your day x

Also if anyone of them fell out with you because you didnt pick them then they arent a true friend. Friendship is about much more than wearing a dress and being in the photos of your wedding x

Just have no bridesmaids and have your sister as the Maid of Honour. The cousins as extra if you really want. You said your sister is the closest to you out of anyone anyway. Nobody would possibly be hurt or offended by your sister (or close cousins) being involved, it’s practically expected. If you keep it a family rule, nobody gets offended. You’d still have all your close friends there on the day and on your hen party. The relief you will feel for preserving all friendships harmoniously and equally will be worth it. Just tell people “I’m not having bridesmaids because costs/too hard to choose/love you all equally/not my style/whatever reason”

Another for the have none.

I didnt have any, instant bridesmaid drama over.

Just choose those who are closest. Maybe just a chief bridesmaid and a couple of little girls/boys.
Maybe better to have none at all. They’re not necessary and you’ll save loads too... to put towards a honeymoon.
All the best!

Family only.

No friends. Likely the majority won't be your friends in the next 10 years or so anyway.
In my wedding photos, I have several girls who I invited not to be offended/upset, a year later I had hardly spoke to them, 10 years+ I would probably not even say hello to them if I walked past.

Please dont worry too much about bridesmaids. In the end it never matters. In your situation stick to family only and tell your friends you couldn't choose.

I'd have my sister as MOH and two cousins as bridesmaids as they'll always be family. I wouldn't call someone a true friend if they'd be upset and not understanding of your dilemma. 15 bridesmaids would be tragic!

Can you all get ready together on the morning regardless who is bridesmaid?
I’ve seen some friends do that and I’ve done it with another friend.
We also said we were limiting bridesmaids and groomsmen to 2 each to keep it small so I had 2 girls that were like sisters to me.
I had another friend who was expecting to be a bridesmaid and I had to tel her she wasn’t which sucked, but were still good friends to this day.

Your sister is in group 1. Just have your sister!!!

How many best men does your DH want? Unless he has a similar number, the whole idea is silly. What type of wedding are you having, how many guests and what is the setting? Cathedral, local church, registry office? Friend had 12 BM's and it looked bloody ridiculous!!!

  I too would have sister as MOH, and cousins either as bridesmaids, ushers or to do a reading.  Why have a ridiculous number just to try to please them?  Also, the cost could be used elsewhere.

Hm I had a similar dilemma and in the end went smaller and no one could be offended by - my now sil and my best friend and some flower girls then just involved the other girls in the general process

Why would you feel there’d be something missing op? They’ll presumably all be at your wedding. Just without any arguments or upset

I had no bridesmaids. I didn't want anyone to feel left out. My best friend (of 35 years) and my closest friend from uni (male) both did readings.

Have your sister as your maid of honour and if you want more bridesmaids, pick your two cousins.

I’d go for sister only too.

When I got married I had zero bridesmaids, not even my sister. This was for a few reasons but mainly because my sister had recently had a baby and I didn’t want to put her under any pressure to do anything or be anything and didn’t want to have bridesmaids not including my sister.

Our wedding was also low fuss and it felt natural to not bother with any of that.

Whatever you decide I’d say don’t feel obliged to ask people because you think they may return the request in the future. A lot can change before they get married themselves. Have the people you truly want next to you and the ones you can trust to be there for you.

I picked my maid of honour fully expecting not to even be a bridesmaid in return because she is my closest friend but she has a much wider circle of friends than me. She has asked me to be a bridesmaid but I wouldn’t have held it against her if we were just guests. Adults should be able to accept your choice with good grace as it’s your wedding.

Just have your sister and make a massive thing about having a hen do to include everyone etc..

Seriously the day is about celebrating your marriage not all this stress about friends that may or may not be around in 10-20 years time!

You will be surprised how many of these friends you won't be in contact with in a few years' time.

Have your sister and some little ones.

I think you have 2 options.

Pick a relative or best best friend and have 1.

Have them all but give them a really loose theme and tell them they can wear something they already have, either in a colour or something else (eg a pastel or with flowers).

I know someone that did the latter, she had 10 bridesmaids all dressed in blue outfits that they all already owned, and they didnt really have any official bridesmaid duties, it looked great.

If you want all matchy matchy though then it's not really an option for you

One best friend as maid of honour. One or two small children as brides maids. Tell everyone you couldnt choose other brides maids as you value them deeply and it made you really unhappy to have to pick

So reread your posts. Have your sister and two others in group 1. Tell the others you found it impossible to choose.

It’s a bit odd you’re basing your decision on who might or mightn’t choose you to be a brides maid. That’s not how it should work.

When are you getting married? Maybe don't ask anyone for a while, or just your sister for now. I'm surprised your friends are pushing for you to make them MoH especially when you have a sister.

You can still have friends involved in the wedding even if they aren't bridesmaids. I really think any more than 6 is crazy, and ideally 3-4 max.

And if someone takes umbrage at not being picked then opts to never speak to you again, you made a good decision as that’s not a real friend

Just have your sister.

You can quite simply state that you want a small bridal party/ can't afford to have a large bridal party but want some photos on the day with them as a group?