Aibu to be fed up of this?

[PeanutButterSucks]

Essentially I have become the default carer for my husband's children whilst their parents work. I am working but very reduced hours, so barely anything really.

I can't really articulate why but I just feel so fed up of this set up now but I don't know what the answer is and I feel like I can't admit that to my husband.

I get on great with the kids but to be perfectly honest, I don't enjoy spending every day caring for them. I am getting irritated by arguments, trying to get them to do school work, feeling like I can't do anything in my house because they are always using the TV/playing loudly, not wanting to go out anywhere. I feel like I constantly have to entertain them or be 'around' and can't have my own space.

It's not that I don't care for them, I do. But I've never really wanted to take over a huge amount of responsibility for them and I'm struggling with the suddenness of it.

H just makes me feel guilty if I say anything and I know logically it's the best solution to a shitty situation but I'm so drained and I just want to say 'no, you two sort something out now'.

If I say anything even hinting at the fact that I may be busy that day or whatever I get 'are you fed up of them then?' really accusatory. But in reality, yes I am a bit but I feel like I can't say that. Not them individually but being a full time carer for them, yes I am fed up of it.

I feel completely tied to the house all of the time. I had to go to the doctor's a few weeks ago and it was just an absolute faff trying to sort everything out so I could go and it makes me a bit resentful that I can't even make myself and go to a doctor's appointment because I'm caring for someone else's children all day.

I just needed to rant really. I'm aware I probably sound awful.

I don't think you're awful. You're being honest and you're entitled to feel however you feel. What was the set up pre-lockdown? Do they live with you full-time? What's the situation with their mum?

Thank you.

I won't go into the absolute fine details as I'm worried about being outing but we had 50/50 before lockdown. They are staying with us most of the time now as it's easier because I'm looking after them

What’s the mum doing, and has she got a partner? This is taking the pis. You could have them all summer ! How old are they.

Both her and my husband are working in the week outside of the house. She doesn't have a partner.

How old are they? If he says that I'd turn around and say no I'm not fed up of them I'm fed up of you not being a parent to YOUR children.

My two boys fathers partner isn't working but I still am but I've never expected her to have my kids. I'm juggling everything all at once but it's my responsibility not hers.

What school years are they in?

They are 8 and just turned 12.

It's perhaps not ideal but if you aren't working and they are then it's the obvious solution isn't it, they are your step children and looking after them is making life easier for your DH.

Can your husband modify his work schedule?

Soon when we can move around a bit more can dgps or a neighbour near dm's have them? Can't all be on you op..

it's the obvious solution isn't it

I'm well aware of that which is why I've been doing it. It doesn't make me any less fed up of it though.

I don't have any advice on what to do, but I just want to say you are absolutely not unreasonable to be getting fed up. Everyone's fed up. Even if they were your babies and you loved them more than life itself, you'd be getting fed up! At least that's the way it seems in my social circle - social media is full of memes about home schooling, the constant tidying, cooking, cleaning etc.! It is exhausting. Don't feel bad for being fed up with it, it's not easy

I think you just need to say what you need, rather than starting from a point of what's pissing you off.

Tell him you need some time to yourself, so at x time on x days, you'll need your partner or his ex to have the kids. If he tries to guilt you, just tell him what you've told us. It''s not about them, but any ordinary person needs a break from childcare, and you're no different.

It's a concern that he seems to be using guilt to manipulate you into looking after his children.

I thinknyou need to say something

Well I’m going to say it - you, maybe naively, CHOSE stepchildren. Any man with children has the potential for children being a huge part of the new family set up!! Custody changes, teens wanting different parent, ex passing away or becoming incapable due to ill health. You made this commitment, even without lockdown.
Tell him. Insist on childcare outside the home. Because I’ll tell you something, children can tell if an adult is resentful of caring for them. Don’t pretend.

YANBU. What happens when he’s not working? Dies he take over ASAP?

He should be kissing your feet in gratitude not making you feel guilty.

I suspect there is more to this and he’s generally selfish?

I knew it wouldn't take long before I got the typical 'you knew what you were getting into'. It doesn't actually work that way in reality though does it. How many times do parents say that they didn't realise how hard having children was until they her them?

I absolutely did not expect to be a full time carer for my husband's kids when I met him. It's not fair or reasonable to expect step parents to plan and be prepared for every single eventuality that may or may not occur imo.

Fuck em, OP.

They're taking the piss out of you.

It's such a lazy response.

'you knew what you were getting into' I mean.

So what's the solution op? Would you be okay witH your DH taking unpaid leave?

It would annoy me too.

I think it would be good if he and his ex at least offered to try and cover some of the time between them, yes.

At least out your your foot down and say ex has to care for them when she is supposed to have them. Stop being their mug, OP!