Aibu to be fed up of this?

[PeanutButterSucks]

Essentially I have become the default carer for my husband's children whilst their parents work. I am working but very reduced hours, so barely anything really.

I can't really articulate why but I just feel so fed up of this set up now but I don't know what the answer is and I feel like I can't admit that to my husband.

I get on great with the kids but to be perfectly honest, I don't enjoy spending every day caring for them. I am getting irritated by arguments, trying to get them to do school work, feeling like I can't do anything in my house because they are always using the TV/playing loudly, not wanting to go out anywhere. I feel like I constantly have to entertain them or be 'around' and can't have my own space.

It's not that I don't care for them, I do. But I've never really wanted to take over a huge amount of responsibility for them and I'm struggling with the suddenness of it.

H just makes me feel guilty if I say anything and I know logically it's the best solution to a shitty situation but I'm so drained and I just want to say 'no, you two sort something out now'.

If I say anything even hinting at the fact that I may be busy that day or whatever I get 'are you fed up of them then?' really accusatory. But in reality, yes I am a bit but I feel like I can't say that. Not them individually but being a full time carer for them, yes I am fed up of it.

I feel completely tied to the house all of the time. I had to go to the doctor's a few weeks ago and it was just an absolute faff trying to sort everything out so I could go and it makes me a bit resentful that I can't even make myself and go to a doctor's appointment because I'm caring for someone else's children all day.

I just needed to rant really. I'm aware I probably sound awful.

This is outrageous and typical 'woman is the default carer' because there's very little chance a bloke would become the default carer of someone else's kids.

You chose your partner not to become a full time carer for his kids. I wouldn't expect my partner to look after my kids, I'd expect their dad to do it,

Bloody hell. You need to make your feelings known. It isn't fair.

Does their mother have parents? For her, 50% of the arrangement can she not arrange some childcare with their grandparents. For your 50% then it is. Between you and dh how you arrange it. Perhaps he can arrange some change to hours, but if you had every other week to yourself then it might not be such an issue.

Can you go back to work?
Can you get work stacking shelves/driving a supermarket delivery truck? Anything to basically get yourself out of the house and make them deal with their children themselves if you can't just say 'not doing it all myself'.

@TheStoic exactly. She’s way nicer than me, l would have declined from the off

They aren’t your children. I would be telling the parents to parent their own children. I would help out now and again, not every day though. It’s too draining and too much of a commitment

I’d wouldn’t be happy with this either. You’ve drawn the shortest straw so no wonder they are both content to let this go on. Time for an honest and uncomfortable chat. You have my sympathy, OP!

Ok so they both work and you don't do it's the obvious solution that you look after them .
You are a stepmother so you do have some responsibility but yanbu to be fed up .
I don't think anyone is being unreasonable. I think you need a discussion with your dh that you would like a break . Either one of them or both can take some unpaid leave even if it's a couple of days .
They must be planning some annual leave at some point , and yes they both need to take some of the slack .
Even I need a break from my dc and I'm his mother but thankfully my dh works shifts so it's not 5 days a week otherwise I'd probably ask him to take some annual leave so I could have a break .

My DSis was the main carer for her DSS during his teenage years, but she had preschool DC at the time so she was at home anyway at that tome. Plus, her DH had been a single dad for a period, so she did sign up for it and accepted the role happily. And her DSS helped her occasionally with childcare for his younger siblings, so it worked out well. They have a good relationship, though he uses her first name and she never stepped on his mum's toes. (He's all grown up now, nearly 23, in the army, and married with a toddler and baby.)

But my DSis certainly never had to do any homeschooling.

But she does work some hours? I also doubt the reduced hours will be forever. Parents need to take annual leave or unpaid leave.

Is your DH and his ex working from home or going into work? Can your DH and his ex flex their work hours so that one of them works on Sunday and one on Saturday, then each of them have a day off in lieu during the week?

If they wfh, then their Mum needs to have them in the mornings while she home schools and does some work and then they come to your house and you and DH split the afternoons. DH and ex then would work into the evening or early morning to make up the hours

If they go into work but can shift their days, then DH works Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs and has the DC on Fri and Sat. Ex works Tuesday through Sat and has the dc on Sun and Mon and then you have them on Tues, Wed and Thurs.

If neither of these are options, then you might need to insist that their parents pay for a babysitter two days a week at their Mums house to give you a break (each parent pays for one day)

Also, is your DH stepping up on the housework and taking over with the dc when he gets home from work, or is he just slumping on the sofa saying ‘I’m tired’. He should be 100% on when he gets home and you should be able to head out for a walk/have some alone time

Does the mum not feel cheeky giving her kids away to you OP fully knowing it's you caring for them and not their dad, the one with the actual parental responsibility?

Can you compromise and say you'll have them 2 days a week, their DM does 2 days and DH does 1 day. So you are sorting the bulk of it at your home but everyone and particularly you gets a break.
Plenty of single parent households are juggling this, plenty of households where both adults are working are too.

It's totally unreasonable of both parents to expect this of you. It will ultimately ruin your relationship with the DC too if you are so resentful of it.

SeatoSky the mum can’t pay a babysitter, we’re in lockdown. Nor could the grandparents look after them as someone suggested earlier.

Many parents are fed up of their biological children at a time like this. You have every right to be fed up of your step children.

This!
Many people are fed up trying to be everything to kids, being an mum, teacher and communication provider. Its not normal.

Nobody signed up for this shit. I actually doubt that this ever happened at any point in the past.

Sorry don't have much of a solution. Other than make the most of the weekends and count down the days to school holidays.