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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be fed up of this?

88 replies

PeanutButterSucks · 24/05/2020 11:29

Essentially I have become the default carer for my husband's children whilst their parents work. I am working but very reduced hours, so barely anything really.

I can't really articulate why but I just feel so fed up of this set up now but I don't know what the answer is and I feel like I can't admit that to my husband.

I get on great with the kids but to be perfectly honest, I don't enjoy spending every day caring for them. I am getting irritated by arguments, trying to get them to do school work, feeling like I can't do anything in my house because they are always using the TV/playing loudly, not wanting to go out anywhere. I feel like I constantly have to entertain them or be 'around' and can't have my own space.

It's not that I don't care for them, I do. But I've never really wanted to take over a huge amount of responsibility for them and I'm struggling with the suddenness of it.

H just makes me feel guilty if I say anything and I know logically it's the best solution to a shitty situation but I'm so drained and I just want to say 'no, you two sort something out now'.

If I say anything even hinting at the fact that I may be busy that day or whatever I get 'are you fed up of them then?' really accusatory. But in reality, yes I am a bit but I feel like I can't say that. Not them individually but being a full time carer for them, yes I am fed up of it.

I feel completely tied to the house all of the time. I had to go to the doctor's a few weeks ago and it was just an absolute faff trying to sort everything out so I could go and it makes me a bit resentful that I can't even make myself and go to a doctor's appointment because I'm caring for someone else's children all day.

I just needed to rant really. I'm aware I probably sound awful.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 24/05/2020 12:27

@PeanutButterSucks

I'm assuming you'll be saying the same on all the threads from parents moaning right now too

Why would somebody say the same to parents as step parents? It's not the same situation at all.

Original poster
PeanutButterSucks · 24/05/2020 12:28

No but I'll look that other one up, thank you.

I think I do need to speak to DH. Even if it carries on for now as it's the easier solution. I dread the week days.

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 24/05/2020 12:29

It's not ok for anyone to sit and say you have to get on with it or you knew what you were getting into.

Who in actual fuck is claiming she should have foreseen a pandemic that is bringing everyone to their knees and has created an unprecedented need for childcare , the likes of which we haven't seen in modern times?

And I'm sorry pp I didnt expect to be raising a child with ASD who has massively regressed and stopped toileting etc in the last 9 weeks , or my marriage ending .....doesn't mean for a second it's ok for me to tell anyone else to get on with it and infer she could be using the time to build the relationship (the inference being it's not a good enough relationship).

My DP has to an extent been in your position , he lost his job at the beginning of lockdown. Exdh has a vulnerable mother at home and is an essential worker . This resulted in me having to work all the hours God sends and exdh not having face to face contact so DP stepped up, as you did. It's no bloody cake walk.

We have dealt with it by making sure I took over every moment I possibly could to give him a break. Talking clearly about it, I've said more times than I can count I know it's hard and I'm grateful. He has been characteristically steadfast about it and a bloody good sport , but it hasn't been easy , and I recognise that.

I don't expect him not to struggle just because he knew I had DC when we met. Bloody hell , I don't know another mother of any form who is not struggling.

For us , it came to a point where he managed to get a part time job and I have managed to reduce my hours so from June it will be more equal. I realise we are remarkably lucky in that situation but please say something to your dh and talk what options are available.

Being a step parent is hard as it is , and they get a lot of flack at the moment, but all I've seen is step parents very much step up to the plate , the biological parent should be recognising it's not easy or simple and supporting.

I don't necessarily agree the other parents are taking the mick, DP knows that I was working to keep the roof over our heads and the food on the table, not for fun. It hasn't been fun. But we got through by not giving each other a hard time for finding it all so bloody hard.

Original poster
PeanutButterSucks · 24/05/2020 12:29

How is it not the same? I'm assuming if I weren't a step parent, I wouldn't have been told to deal with it or stop moaning.

OP posts:
FergusSingsTheBlues · 24/05/2020 12:30

You’re not wrong to be getting pissed off, I’m getting sick a of being with my own (much loved) children constantly without any leave in fact I went to bed yesterday at 8 because I just needed some SPACE

But people are doing this everywhere.... my friend has her ex DH in to look after the kids every day while she wfh and they don’t normally get on. Her new partner has to suck it up. It’s hard on so many people

Try and get some time and space carved out for yourself not ask for 25 hours off a week.... there must be a way, presumably their mum need them back now and again?!

PicsInRed · 24/05/2020 12:34

Don't damage your own earning capacity to the advantage of a man - especially if these aren't even your own children you are caring for.

He can walk away from you at any point and you are left penniless and with zero right or ability to ever see those children again. Don't do it.

Tell him you are returning full time on x date and it is his and the mother's responsibility to cover childcare I fully expect he will lump the mother with the burden.

Eckhart · 24/05/2020 12:37

How is it not the same

Because they have another parent to go to, and they're not going there, and that's the crux of your problem.

Devlesko · 24/05/2020 12:37

He sounds like a right tosser, they aren't your kids and he just wants a baby sitter.
Both of them are taking the piss out of you and you are just taking it.
Tell them both to jog on.

TheRealShatParp · 24/05/2020 12:39

I’d be fed up too, OP. People can be brutal to step parents, and commenting that ‘you signed up for this’ is a lame response. Your feelings are valid, regardless of whether you ‘signed up for it’ or not.
Admittedly it is a solution that makes sense (as you already know), so I’m not sure what to suggest. I assume you don’t look after them at weekends too?

BillBaileysBum · 24/05/2020 12:40

Ok.

Is it that you’re done and can’t do it anymore fullstop? Or is it that you need the pattern to change? And if so- what would need to happen to make you feel like you can keep going?

Mummatobe2020 · 24/05/2020 12:42

They aren't your bloody kids. Get the Mums to step up and look after them. Your DH shouldn't be parring them off on you either.

If he wants to see his kids its with you or they can be with their respective mum/mums your not their free babysitter.

MostlyHappyMummy · 24/05/2020 12:44

What would they do if you weren't around?
It's kind to be helpful but no doubt you do quite a bit normally with the 50-50 contact so shouldn't be expected to do it all now.
But as with everything, up to you to decide what you're willing to put up with.

FrenchBoule · 24/05/2020 12:46

OP, when are your DH’s and his ex days off? What are they doing then?

Time to return the kids to their mum on her days off and for your DH to do his parenting share when he’s off.

Very unfair on you as everybody seems to get the break but you and you need one.

Time to speak up.

Samtsirch · 24/05/2020 12:47

@SharonasCorona
I really don’t think that would be at all helpful in this particular situation.

SharonasCorona · 24/05/2020 12:50

@Samtsirch what, sorry? If you mean OP shouldn’t at least expect her DH to make ex take responsibility for when she is supposed to have DC then I disagree. This is not OP’s problem.

Jux · 24/05/2020 12:55

Ask your dh when you're allowed a day off? When you get your downtime? When his ex takes that 50% 'shared care' that is her share?

When he asks accusingly if you're fed up with them, tell him you're fed up with the situation, you're fed up with being their parent when he isn't and nor is his ex. Make it clear that it's the situation you're finding hard, not the children themselves. He might try to pretend that he doesn't get it and continue trying to accuse you of being fed up with the children, but be firm and certain about it being the situation not the kids. Presumably he is intelligent enough to understand the difference?

Devlesko · 24/05/2020 12:56

I can't believe that women do this to start off with.
I'd have just said no, not happening from the start.
He is a horrible man and I bet abusive from the comment about you having had enough of them.
Please gain some self esteem and confidence and tell him to fuck off.
You are worth more than playing nanny.

Samtsirch · 24/05/2020 12:58

Oh I absolutely agree with that, I was referring to your " fuck ' em * comment, not the best way to negotiate.😊

Samtsirch · 24/05/2020 12:58

Sorry that was for SharonaCarona.

SharonasCorona · 24/05/2020 12:59

Oh I see! I get so annoyed at the ‘you chose a man with DC’ comment that it slipped out 🤣

ChaoticCatling · 24/05/2020 13:07

Can they go to their mother on the weekend and some weeknights? An 8 and 12 year old shouldn't need much actual care, why can't you leave them for an hour or so for appointments? Homeschooling the 8 year old and supervising the 12 year old doing schoolwork would be a pain if they are not even yours though.

Samtsirch · 24/05/2020 13:07

Fair enough 😊

ChaoticCatling · 24/05/2020 13:08

Are the children eligible to attend school?

TheStoic · 24/05/2020 13:09

I would never have agreed to this to start with, so you’re already a better person than me.

Decide what you are willing to do. Present it to both parents. It’s up to them to work around it.

Magicbabywaves · 24/05/2020 13:14

They can go back to their mum’s for a week surely? They’re 8 and 12, not 3 or 5. She can stick them in front of the telly whilst she works. I absolutely would not be having this.