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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be fed up of this?

88 replies

PeanutButterSucks · 24/05/2020 11:29

Essentially I have become the default carer for my husband's children whilst their parents work. I am working but very reduced hours, so barely anything really.

I can't really articulate why but I just feel so fed up of this set up now but I don't know what the answer is and I feel like I can't admit that to my husband.

I get on great with the kids but to be perfectly honest, I don't enjoy spending every day caring for them. I am getting irritated by arguments, trying to get them to do school work, feeling like I can't do anything in my house because they are always using the TV/playing loudly, not wanting to go out anywhere. I feel like I constantly have to entertain them or be 'around' and can't have my own space.

It's not that I don't care for them, I do. But I've never really wanted to take over a huge amount of responsibility for them and I'm struggling with the suddenness of it.

H just makes me feel guilty if I say anything and I know logically it's the best solution to a shitty situation but I'm so drained and I just want to say 'no, you two sort something out now'.

If I say anything even hinting at the fact that I may be busy that day or whatever I get 'are you fed up of them then?' really accusatory. But in reality, yes I am a bit but I feel like I can't say that. Not them individually but being a full time carer for them, yes I am fed up of it.

I feel completely tied to the house all of the time. I had to go to the doctor's a few weeks ago and it was just an absolute faff trying to sort everything out so I could go and it makes me a bit resentful that I can't even make myself and go to a doctor's appointment because I'm caring for someone else's children all day.

I just needed to rant really. I'm aware I probably sound awful.

OP posts:

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 24/05/2020 11:59

He should be kissing your feet in gratitude not making you feel guilty.

^^
This!

And you need to think about how much you are actually prepared to do, and they will have to make other arrangements such as taking leave to cover the rest.
If he responds angrily to this it’s a massive red flag.

Lynda07 · 24/05/2020 11:59

You don't sound awful, Peanut. Nobody anticipated a situation like lockdown prior to which you just saw your stepchildren at agreed times. Anybody would be fed up. Your husband shouldn't guilt trip you, you are doing your best.

Set some ground rules, tell them you cannot take arguments and would appreciate a bit of calm; at 8 and 12 they should be able to amuse themselves a lot of the time. Make sure when your husband is at home that he takes over.

They may not want to go out but they need some fresh air and exercise, he can take them for a walk or bike ride in the evening surely and that will give you a break.

Let's hope and pray that lockdown eases soon and in a short while, it will just be a bad memory.

You're doing fine! I panic just reading what you've said, goodness knows how I'd have managed. No one has the right to judge you.

Original poster

PeanutButterSucks · 24/05/2020 12:01

Thank you.

It makes me laugh, if you even dared to suggest a parent having a tough time 'knew what they were getting into' or 'chose this' then you'd be shot down and lynched.

OP posts:

Grilledaubergines · 24/05/2020 12:02

Can your husband take some A/Leave?

Smartanimal · 24/05/2020 12:03

Tell their mum she has to pay you for looking after them because it is a full time job caring for children. If she says no, send them back to her and she can hire a nanny. The parents are cheeky fuckers who are taking the piss.

RandomMess · 24/05/2020 12:05

Tell your DH that you need a break as you are feeling burnt out... perhaps a week at their Mums whilst you chill?

Eckhart · 24/05/2020 12:06

You didn't know what you were getting into, and anybody suggesting this is simply wrong.

Presumably you assumed that you would take on some childcare as step-parent, and that there would be ongoing negotiations about arrangements, which respected everyone's needs.

As it is, you need to assert your needs because it seems that the 2 parents have forgotten you have any.

WendyHoused · 24/05/2020 12:08

YADNU! It might be the obvious solution and the easiest for the parents but it's hard going and damned unfair on you. You aren't a childminder, for god's sake, it's not reasonable for them to leave this on you all the time.

Tell them both that you've done your bit but it's unsustainable at this level and they need to get creative to resolve this. Using a day a week A/L between them so you get a break, for instance.

Grilledaubergines · 24/05/2020 12:09

How would behaving so aggressively in this situation help any of them?

It’s arisen out of necessity but OP, yes, some adaptation to that is clearly needed now. You’ve done your share and really it’s enabled your husband and his ex to continue earning but now is the time for review. And that’s what I’d be saying to them. They must have accrued annual leave so surely can step in and give you a well earned break.

FOJN · 24/05/2020 12:11

I'm slightly appalled by the "you knew what you were getting into" argument. So did their parents and if it was unclear before the first one then they would have known by the time they had the second that children are a 247 responsibility and they still made that choice. You are not being unreasonable to be fed up about being used to provide full time childcare so that neither of the children's parents have to make any arrangements themselves.
I don't think it would be nearly as bad if your husband wasn't trying to guilt you into silence.

Mittens030869 · 24/05/2020 12:12

I'm fed up, too, OP. I'm fed up with my DDs bickering over the computer, phones, TV, or literally everything. I chose to be an adoptive mum, and the training does prepare you for behavioural challenges, but nothing could have prepared me for it being like this all day during lockdown.

It's very hard to complain as an adoptive parent, because everyone knows that you have to jump through so many hoops to be approved, and why did I do that if I don't enjoy having them at home all the time.

But then, I certainly never reckoned on picking up long-term COVID-19 symptoms and having the DDs at home all day whilst my DH works from home.

So yes, we signed up for this, but there are things that you can't predict or prepare for. My DH didn't plan on having to do most things because his DW was ill making him responsible for so much. But I don't make him feel guilty when he complains, because I feel guilty that he's having to do so much, I wouldn't dream of saying, 'But you signed up for this.' Because the truth is that we never expected anything like this.

So YANBU. But you need to be firm about this. Because the children will know that you're resentful. My DDs can see it when I'm not feeling the love, and they do react.

I concur with the PP who suggested that the DC could go to their mum's house for a week to give you a break.

But at least in my case, my DDs are my responsibility, as I did choose to adopt them, and I do really love them and love having snuggles with them, now that I've tested negative finally.

Saltystraw · 24/05/2020 12:13

Many parents are fed up of their biological children at a time like this. You have every right to be fed up of your step children especially as their are other adults who should also be caring for them.

Auridon4life · 24/05/2020 12:14

They need to be sent home for a bit.

RedskyAtnight · 24/05/2020 12:14

Tell their mum she has to pay you for looking after them because it is a full time job caring for children.

No! Absolutely don't do this. This will just reinforce the idea that you are their child carer and you'll have even less say in the arrangement than you do now. Presumably in normal times they do pay for childcare, so they wouldn't actually have any problem transferring this money to you.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2020 12:17

The issue here is not you looking after the kids, because it’s an obvious solution, the issue here is you don’t want to tell your husband because you think it makes you look bad.

So either tell him you don’t wish to do it as much, or stop moaning. It really is either or.

MintyMabel · 24/05/2020 12:18

I absolutely did not expect to be a full time carer for my husband's kids when I met him.

I absolutely didn’t expect to be raising a daughter with a disability.

I absolutely didn’t expect to have a global pandemic keep us all locked up indoors with schools being closed for 4 months and no access to support services for her.

But it’s happened and we have a choice to let it get us down, or to see the positives of the situation and get through it how we can.

It’s ok to find it tough, but to brood about it will lead to resentment either of him or his children and that will do nobody any good. If you’re in it with him for the long haul, why not see it as a chance to build a great relationship with the kids which will last into their adulthood.

negomi90 · 24/05/2020 12:19

Why does mum have to pay? Surely dad is as much responsible for paying for childcare as mum.
From mum's pov - her ex has agreed to have the kids because his partner isn't working and that way the kids are safe. Mum hasn't done anything wrong here (nor has OP). Dad has said its ok and its up to Dad to negotiate with others if there are problems.
You have a DH problem, it up to you to negotiate with DH, if that means that you have the kids less then he gets to discuss it with his ex.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2020 12:19

Eh you do realise kids have a father right? And it’s not just the mothers responsibility to care for them?

What an odd suggestion to make.

Original poster

PeanutButterSucks · 24/05/2020 12:21

So either tell him you don’t wish to do it as much, or stop moaning

I'm assuming you'll be saying the same on all the threads from parents moaning right now too?

OP posts:

RonSwansonIsBuff · 24/05/2020 12:24

I'm not saying anyone should have to pay but can we not please pretend that OP isn't also doing the mother a huge favour too?

If it weren't for OP I'm assuming mum would have to take unpaid leave or annual leave so I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest mum also should be very grateful.

RonSwansonIsBuff · 24/05/2020 12:25

I mean it sounds like OP is looking after children on the mother's days as well so really she could turn around and say 'ill look after them on DHs days only'. She isn't responsible for providing anyone childcare, especially not the ex.

Cherrysoup · 24/05/2020 12:25

Neither of them key workers? This would drive me mad. It isn’t fair, the situation has radically changed from the original deal. You need to decide how to broach this with your dh and see if their mum can sort out something so you get free time.

Howyiz · 24/05/2020 12:26

Is this your third thread on this? If so, did you try any of the suggestions that were made previously? If you are a different poster have a look for a similar thread, there was lots of advice.
As others have said, it is completely normal to be fed up of the situation, I think most of us are, but the real issue, for me, would be the lack of acknowledgement from the children's parents, both of them.

SharonasCorona · 24/05/2020 12:26

@Bluntness100

Eh you do realise kids have a father right? And it’s not just the mothers responsibility to care for them?
Murat poster is suggesting the ex pay OP for days OP has the kids when EX is supposed to have them. But yes, it should be DH sitting this whole shit show, not OP.

Muh2020 · 24/05/2020 12:27

YANBU.
The fuckin' cheek of your DH and the mother (using that term lightly).

Tell him to go and FUCK OFF for himself.
He's taking the piss.
Honestly i'd be looking at separating for a while, he's clearly a twat.

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