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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect some acknowldgement of newborn from SIL

39 replies

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 13:30

I'm having a right rant today but I'm really cross at my sister in law. DS2 is now three months old and she hasn't visited, sent a gift or a card or even telephoned. All we got was a text message saying "Nice name. I will call my baby that if I ever have one". To add insult to injury, since DS2 was born she and her fiance have visited my parent in law twice and they only live 15 minutes away from us. I couldn't care less if the cow never visits us again to be honest but am really upset for DH who is very upset by it (she's his only sibling). Should I say something? I don't really know her that well.

OP posts:

zubb · 20/09/2007 13:31

how old is she?

zubb · 20/09/2007 13:32

posted too soon - what I mean is if she is quite young and hasn't got any children it may seem not that high up on her priority list to visit you. Would she come and see you before the baby when she visited her parents?

Sniglett · 20/09/2007 13:32

no you bloody shouldn't

if DH has a problem with his sister he should say something

she's patently at a different life stage than you and whilst I can appreciate how hurtful this can be from your perspective where your children are so very important and wonderful, she is obviously at the 'kids aren't that big a deal' stage

I'd leave it, but encourage DH to tell her he's a bit upset

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 13:32

Not sure. She's DH's older sister and he's 35 so 37 I think.

OP posts:

zubb · 20/09/2007 13:33

so scrap my theory then! but I do think it's up to Dh to talk to her.
Have you invited her round? some people need an invitation first.

BabiesEverywhere · 20/09/2007 13:34

Does she have fertility problems ? As the 'if I ever have one' comment about her baby suggests that is the case.

If she is having issues with getting pregnant, it might be too emotionally hard for her to visit you and your children ATM.

Sniglett · 20/09/2007 13:34

theory holds true if you ignore age but put in life stage

she doesn't have kids does she

ruddynorah · 20/09/2007 13:35

have you invited them round?

daisyandbabybootoo · 20/09/2007 13:36

I think her behaviour is very odd, but we are quite a close family, on both sides.

These are her nephews, FGS and she should at least bring a present/send a card, but at best be offering to babysit.

I would broach it with your PILs and say that your DH is upset but would never mention it, and leave it up to them to say something to her.

Speccy · 20/09/2007 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 13:39

She doesn't have children no and I know she is keen to have them eventually. DH emailed her about a month and a half ago and commented that she hadn't been over and mentioned that my sisters had been over lots (maybe that just annoyed her) and she just said "Oooo the pressure's on then".
She's not exactly auntie of the year anyway. She's only seen DS1 a handful of times and he's two and a half.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 20/09/2007 13:41

You can't make other people be interested in your children.

It's her loss if she's not interested.

I wouldn't say anything tbh, but I speak from the experience of one who did and ended up in a massive row with dh' family which resulted in my fil not speaking to me for two years.

Just let it go

If she is interested she will come round

If she is not, your ds will be no worse off for it.

chocchipcookie · 20/09/2007 13:42

I would be very careful here. It sounds as if she might have fertility issues as BE says in which case it could be too much for her.

Does she usually give gifts/visit?

If this is out of the ordinary for her I would suspect an underlying problem. Definitely don't speak to her, leave it to your husband.

ruddynorah · 20/09/2007 13:43

your dh wants her to come over yes? so instead of saying, would you like to come on sunday..or something like that.. he says oooh you haven't been to see us yet and my SIL has been over loads. odd way to make someone feel welcome.

empen · 20/09/2007 13:46

How close are you to the in laws. Could you drop something in to conversation with them about it. 'Have you heard from ... lately, she has not been round ours yet??' etc etc

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 13:47

Lots of wise words. I won't say anything then. DH will never say anything but is now too annoyed to invite them over. I know however that when we do see them (probably at the in laws next time they visit them) I'll find it very hard to be nice.

OP posts:

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 13:48

DH has by the way already mentioned it to the in laws. They were just embarrased and said " oh that's surprising".

OP posts:

TiramisuTartsandPiesInOrbit · 20/09/2007 13:48

Odd attitude.
You get miffed about somebody not acknowledging your baby in the right way, and your husband instead of inviting his sister moans about how she hasnt visited but your sister has? What is this?

She may have her own reasons for not visiting, maybe she cant have her own babies, maybe she just wants to give you space rather than burden you with guests?

fawkeoff · 20/09/2007 13:51

iwent through the same thing when my son was born.sil had a late miscarriage some years ago,which was a boy and she stopped contact when she found out we were having a son.she even stopped dps father from coming round when ds was born.....he was born 17th october and he didnt see him until xmas eve and if it had been up to me he wouldnt have seen him at all......ds was 6 months before sil acknowleged him, and i gave her a piece of my mind as well

ruddynorah · 20/09/2007 13:51

instead of festering over it why not have a bit of a family do, welcome the baby etc, are you having a christening? then you can invite them along with other peope without a big stressful personal invitation, one on one meeting type thing. i really really do not understand why your dh didn't just INVITE them over in the first place. does he normally just wait for people to make contact with him and then if they don't get all offended? if he's that bothered he should make the first move. otherwise this will just srag and drag.

morethanmum · 20/09/2007 13:52

Is this just going to fester though? Can't you try to diffuse it, and send a nice photo saying x would love to meet his auntie before he starts work...come and see us on xx/xx!

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 13:52

that's why I like mumsnet. I rant about her bahving oddly and half of you just think that I'm bahving oddly. You get all sorts of views.
To defend DH he usually gets on well with his sister and is very reserved and polite so I'm sure the tone of his email was jokey (but with underlying seriousness if you get what I mean)

OP posts:

morethanmum · 20/09/2007 13:55

I don't think you're unreasonable, I tink she's definitely being mean. But, my sisiter is a right cow and we left a family holiday because of her. I chose to do that knowing that all contact is now finished, but it was a thought out decisiion. I just don't want you to have a festering unpleasantness that maybe you could be nice enough to try to get round before it's permanent?

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 14:05

There has been contact with her recently. She's recently got engaged and I sent her a congratulations card and DH called her to congratulate them and then he called her at the weekend when we were trying to sort out powers of attorney for the in laws. She's perfectly normal, just doesn't acknowledge the baby.
We're not usually the sort of family that "invites" generally we all just turn up.
I accept she's probably being off because she's worrying about whether she'll have children but I still think she's being a cow even if you lot don't.

OP posts:

omotunde · 20/09/2007 14:07

this sounds just like me. my DD2 is only 9wks and my SIL has not for once contact or congrate us. you even got a txt message about the name i did not even get any. funny that your parent in law live fifteen minutes away my only live 3-5minutes away and yet she visited them with her children. to me all i can say is good riddance to bad smell. you don't feed from her so bye-bye. as for your DH he is bound to feel like that but let him make up his mind as to what he wants to do because if you get involve too much. you will be blamed for the gap between them.

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