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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect some acknowldgement of newborn from SIL

39 replies

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 13:30

I'm having a right rant today but I'm really cross at my sister in law. DS2 is now three months old and she hasn't visited, sent a gift or a card or even telephoned. All we got was a text message saying "Nice name. I will call my baby that if I ever have one". To add insult to injury, since DS2 was born she and her fiance have visited my parent in law twice and they only live 15 minutes away from us. I couldn't care less if the cow never visits us again to be honest but am really upset for DH who is very upset by it (she's his only sibling). Should I say something? I don't really know her that well.

OP posts:

NAB3 · 20/09/2007 14:12

She obviously has issues. You don't put that in a text when someone has just had their baby! You can say nice name but you don't say you are going to copy!!

fawkeoff · 20/09/2007 14:16

i agree that she is being a cow hun...it's hurtful that a femily member doesn't acknowlege this beautiful little person you have brought into the world,i took it personally for my son as i felt he was being puinished for being born a boy because she had lost her son at 21 weeks,it was 10 years prior as well not recent

fawkeoff · 20/09/2007 14:18

and before anyone jumps on the wagon saying it doesnt matter how long ago her loss was i do understand that,but it was soo unfair.In the end i had to have it out with her because i couldnt agree to be her friend again without telling her she was a cow

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 14:18

I know - bizarre isn't it. I think really that's the route of the whole problem. She wasn't like this when DS1 was born (although she very rarely sees him) so I think she's P'd Off that we chose the name she likes. He's called Benjamin though so its not exactly unusual.

OP posts:

bigknickersbigknockers · 20/09/2007 14:19

Ellehcim, I had this when DD was born. DH phoned and spoke to his SIL (his brother must have been out) the first thing she said was "Can we come down tonight (as soon as I got home) because my daughter is going back to uni tomorrow. DH politley told her that we didnt want visitors for a couple of days for a couple of reasons 1: I was knackered and had 2 other children to care for and 2: I didnt want DS2 to feel jealous as he was only 19 mths old at the time. DH said the tone of her voice changedstraight away and she just said "OK then, bye) and she still hasnt been to see DD who is now 20 mths old.
Its caused a lot of bad feeling and DH refuses to speak to her or her DH (his brother). The really annoying thing about it is that she would not be pushed into having visitors if the boot was on the other foot.
She makes me rather angry but DH just will notbother with her, very difficult situation.

MaloryTowersJudgyJudgyJudgy · 20/09/2007 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 14:21

fawkeoff I so understand why you said something. I think I will bite my tongue to avoid major family fall outs but be off with her when we see her. Not the grown up way to behave I know but I'm cross.

OP posts:

TheDuchess · 20/09/2007 14:25

I'm not sure I want to say this...but here goes.

Five years ago my brother and SIL had a beautiful baby girl - or at least, she is now. I have no idea what she was like as a newborn because it didn't cross my mind to visit. We aren't really that close and at the time I had just moved counties, was 150 miles away, was in the process of buying a house, had started new job etc. None of my friends had babies so I don't think I really appreciated the visiting and gift buying and general whirl of activity.

I did however send congratulations and sent a present, although admittedly the present was late.

So would agree on the life stage thing. She probably didn't do it deliberately - this isn't a slur on you and the baby. You can't change her so just accept it.

Five years later I have had my own baby and feel quite sorry that I missed out on the first year or so of my niece's life.

I'm a cow, aren't I?

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 14:31

You're not a cow Duchess firstly because you didn't appreciate the "lets all coo at the baby even if only to be polite" thing and also because you sent congratulations. Although it just sounds like I'm determined to be annoyed at SIL she is a cow because she wasn't like it with DS1 and so does know what we expected and also just because she's upset DH and anyone who does that is a cow because he's wonderful.
OK I accept she has other things going on in her life.

OP posts:

maisemor · 20/09/2007 14:34

Her loss.
More cuddles for you.
If she does not have children herself, she will not realise what this means to you.
You say that you are only upset because your husband is upset. Tell him to either deal with it or forget about it.
If you don't talk to her (talk not attack, she really has done nothing wrong here, there is no law saying that you have to visit/write cards/send presents to your nieces and nephews) you will never know what she might be thinking.

TheDuchess · 20/09/2007 14:37

Just wondering really but is she waiting for an invite? Could be. My SIL never invites any of us to family occasions but invites her side of the family. My brother just doesn't think to invite us. We aren't purposefully excluded because she doesn't do it maliciously.

Thanks for telling me I am not a cow!

zubb · 20/09/2007 14:48

could you find out when she is next at your in laws and go to see them there?

Original poster

ellehcim · 20/09/2007 14:51

I'm sure we will do that (reluctantly GRRRR!!!)

OP posts:

Jackstini · 20/09/2007 15:02

Ellehcim - Don't blame you for feeling cross.
I am lucky and my sis is very close to dd but out of dh's 2 brothers, one sees her all the time, the other has met her once (she is 18 mo)and didn't bother coming to the Christening!
Your SIL may have her reasons and I don't necessarily think she is in the wrong, but it doesn't invalidate your feelings in any way. I would be upset too in your shoes but do feel it would be best to leave to dh to sort out.

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