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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:
sofacushions · 07/06/2020 10:23

If he's brought the TV from wish then I would check whether it's a UK based seller.
If not then he's going to get hit for one hell of a lot of import tax/customs fees when it does arrive.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 07/06/2020 10:29

I went with random mess' suggestion of drip drip hint. I am now in bathroom 😒 he literally rolled his eyes at me and said and I quote ' we don't know for definite I am going to lose my licence and job yet - can we just wait and see ? We have a little bit of money for now so we can afford it whereas we don't normally have spare money. Can we wait and see where we are before we start worrying what we have ' to me , this just about sums up his attitude to life and I feel so sad. I don't agree , I never have agreed to his reactive way of thinking and it just confirms things for me . Bit at least I can say I tried. He is on his own with the fines now whatever happens .

OP posts:
tracyon · 07/06/2020 10:33

Cracking bit of self delusion there.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 07/06/2020 10:42

Tracyon - quite x I feel he has talked himself into that I think ! sionnachGlic thank you for being so supportive -me too and I am hoping for the same xx thank you so much I wish I knew u in RL so I could give u a hug to say thanks 😃 and sofa cushions that is exactly where he got it from US via wish . Let's hope he read the small print at 2 am this morning. ...I have to go now xx

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 07/06/2020 10:46

He hasn’t changed at all, has he OP? It’s all just empty words and fairy dust from him, otherwise even if he’d made the mistake with the telly he’d have thought on what you said and then held his hands up and said he’d slipped back to bad patterns, you’re right, now is not the time for big purchases and the telly is going back.

The fact that he thinks he can use the money you’ve saved - not him - just shows again that he isn’t taking this his seriously at all. He thinks you’ll deal with it all, and he doesn’t have to do any thinking, take any responsibility, do any planning or make any sacrifices - it’s all on you while he swans about doing what he wants.

I really feel for you.

rainbowstardrops · 07/06/2020 10:52

Oh bloody hell OP, what an absolute dick he is!
He drink drives, takes drugs and acts like an absolute arse and he still thinks you'll stick by him!
He'll be tickety-boo until the pubs reopen and it all starts again ......

Ariela · 07/06/2020 10:59

You do need to tell him to cancel the TV - you have one that's working perfectly OK, it's something you do not need.

You need to remind him he's not secured a job yet, and will lose his current one. He'll also have additional costs of getting to another job because you will not be responsible - it's HIS mess he's got himself into and HE needs to suffer the consequences, that's the whole point of going to court and getting fined is that he learns there are consequences he has to pay for.....may be a good point to drop in that he can of course ask to pay the fine weekly but HE has to pay it.

Tell him the money 'saved' is money that will need spending on any additional costs that crop up and as a safety net for any unexpected bills or should he once again be unemployed or even should you become unemployed or have to take a pay cut in coming months, as nothing in work is certain right now.

matchboxtwentyunwell · 07/06/2020 12:10

Selfish dick. Likely to lose his job and his license and have court fines, and he's spending £££ on tvs and toys?

fuck him
fuck him
fuck him

I'd make it clear you won't be paying his fines. And I hope you get out of there quickly.

Fanthorpe · 07/06/2020 12:15

I think you’re doing an amazing job of keeping it together, I don’t think getting in to discussions about spending money is a good idea either. If he cared what you thought he’d have discussed it first. Keep focused on the important things, protect what you can. Avoid arguments.

backseatcookers · 07/06/2020 13:04

We have a little bit of money for now so we can afford it whereas we don't normally have spare money. Can we wait and see where we are before we start worrying what we have

Translation: 'We' have a little bit of money for now because I'm spending less on alcohol and drugs so I want to spend it on other shit I want and don't need because I still think all money is my money and I know you'll bail me out when it comes to court costs and fines anyway...

He cannot possibly think he's going to keep his license. So he's being disingenuous at best. If he really does think that he's a fucking idiot on top of everything else.

I feel so sorry for you OP, like someone else said you sound so capable and intelligent and nice. I'm excited for you to have a new life without this fun sponge of a man stealing your potential for happiness Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2020 14:06

Listen, I know you're probably already doing this, but be sure you're looking at 'minimally acceptable' rentals if it might mean getting out sooner. You can always look for a better place later on.

Maybe the kids have to bunk together for now, maybe you'll be sleeping on the couch for a bit. Maybe it's not your 'optimum' neighbourhood. Cast a wide net.

Moving twice is a pain, I agree. But oh, the peace of mind to be free!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/06/2020 15:05

Jeez, what a wanker he is.
"Oh we've got a bit of money, never mind that I've got a potential FINE and potential JOB LOSS coming up, I'll just blow it now because it's there"
Fucking dickhead. I can NOT deal with people who think like that. Angry

Maybe you should play his game and "spend" the other £300 on essential clothes, kids' uniform, shoes etc. so that it's not there for him to blow on further unnecessary shit.

LakieLady · 07/06/2020 15:09

He's delusional if he thinks there's a chance he won't get a ban. It's pretty much automatic afaik. I suppose it's just about conceivable he won't lose his job, if he's very highly thought of at work they might be able to work around it.

My ex-SIL was banned from driving for DD. She was a district nurse (!) and they rearranged caseloads so that she got all the patients within walking distance of the surgery.

You're doing amazingly, OP, you sound so calm in your posts. I

RandomMess · 07/06/2020 16:41

I was certainly going to say if you have debts in your name that would stay with you when you move consider using your savings to pay them off...

FourDecades · 07/06/2020 16:52

@LakieLady - she's lucky she wasn't struck off the NMC register too

forrestgreen · 07/06/2020 21:10

How is wish paid for? Cancel PayPal and Apple Pay etc. Anything that links to a payment on your account.

There's no reason that you couldn't be staying and still give him a kick up the arse about money, it's not one or the other.

Tell him you won't be paying court fees, wish TVs or drug money from savings. You'd like a family holiday next year and that's what it's going on.

LakieLady · 07/06/2020 21:19

@FourDecades, I wondered about that at the time. The circumstances were absurd, too. She had a drunken row with her husband and stormed off in her car, and he reported her to the police! They were waiting along the street when she came back.

SionnachGlic · 07/06/2020 21:53

@LakieLady

Maybe if she said she was afraid of him & had to get away ...something that evoked sympathy & a lesser sentence. And her good record etc.... maybe

FourDecades · 07/06/2020 22:29

@LakieLady - someone also has to actually report her to the NMC too. Hospital Trusts don't like the bad publicity so rarely do

Bimblepops · 07/06/2020 22:41

Just a quick note about the likely events at the magistrate court.
When your (D)H arrives at court, he will be asked to fill out a means form, detailing all his weekly income and outgoings. This only asks about HIS income, not your income. The information that this gives will form the basis of the fine calculation.
Based on his alcohol reading, he is likely to get a Band C fine - effectively 1.5 x his weekly income.

At the sentencing (assuming he either pleads or is found guilty), the fine amount, along with court fees and victim surcharge, will be announced. He will be asked if he can pay the full amount there and then. If not, he will be asked to work out a reasonable payment schedule (usually per fortnight or per week). So it won’t all be expected to be paid in one go, there and then.

Drink driving (driving with excess alcohol) carries an automatic disqualification for a minimum of 12 months. As a previous poster has said, the range of ban for his level of alcohol is from 17-22 months. He is likely to end up with a ban at the higher end of this due to his previous driving offences, even though they were a long time ago.
His licence will also be endorsed with penalty points.

I hope this is useful.

MumW · 07/06/2020 23:02

Open a savings account in your name and transfer whatever is left of the savings. If you think you can get away with it safely, get hold of his next pay too leaving him with an 'allowance' in his account. If he says anything, tell him that you're taking control of the finances until you know whether or not he still has a job next month as you'll need it for bills if he does. He doesn't need to know it's for your bills and not his.

Good Luck

TheQueenOfTheNight · 07/06/2020 23:07

Maybe Women's Aid could help you? I hope you leave soon. You're so close to a better life, one with real pleasure rather than walking on eggshells. One where you can do what's right rather than what you're allowed. Don't give up.

HeretoThereandBackAgain · 07/06/2020 23:20

You could also point out that a TV from the US won’t work in the UK. Maybe that will encourage him to cancel it.

Icanflyhigh · 08/06/2020 00:19

Juat read the whole thread and I'm astounded.
You sound lovely OP ans you definitely deserve better.

As I understand it, he will be looking at a minimum of a 12 month driving ban, possibly longer as he's been banned before, although I guess after 19 years that would be classed as spent and may not even be bought up in court.
If he can prove that losing his job would cause severe financial hardship, there is a slim chance a judge might be lenient re a ban, but it would need to be extreme and I don't think he would be successful with that.

Please keep on with your plans to move out, and fingers crossed something comes up for you soon x

Ariela · 08/06/2020 08:00

Drink driving endorsements stay for 11 years - but don't let him know that, he's probably not savvy to look it up: www.gov.uk/penalty-points-endorsements/how-long-endorsements-stay-on-your-driving-licence#:~:text=11%20years%20from%20date%20of,as%20CD40%2C%20CD50%20and%20CD60

www.gov.uk/drink-driving-penalties - he could be jailed for 3 months as well as losing his licence for 12 months or more, and the fine could be £2.5K!
If he's lucky he could get given a place on a drink driving course - if they're operating again - but he has to pay for that @£250. That's more than his TV!