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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:
Duvetday8 · 06/06/2020 19:36

Court costs he can pay weekly. I wouldn't bother with a solicitor it's a cut and dry case and he has no defence.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 06/06/2020 19:46

As duvet said - not solicitor costs or anything DH researched how much of a fine he should expect with his ban - that's what I mean. He is not engaging or consulting a solicitor. But is good to know he can pay them weekly so i might be able to hang on to that money - or at least half of it !

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 06/06/2020 19:49

sionnachGlic I do understand what you mean though re court costs - as I understand it it's the fine that goes with the charge. It has to be paid.y lovely boss has offered to lend me any money if I need it to be paid back interest free bless her heart x hopefully I won't need it but the offer is there like a safety net xx

OP posts:
SionnachGlic · 06/06/2020 21:08

Hi OP,

I am not UK based..here court costs are administrative costs. Legal costs would be his own such as solicitor's costs/fees & any penalty/fine imposed on conviction.

Sorry if I caused you confusion, OP.

If he has a prior DD offence (I think you said he did earlier) he should check how it may impact on this present DD charge if he is convicted...if he hasn't done that already. I am assuming that he is pleading guilty so will be convicted.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 06/06/2020 21:34

Ok got it sionnachGlic - I do get a little confused as have never gone to court before . Well only as a juror ! Yes he has a dangerous driving conviction from 25 years ago and a previous DD conviction from 19 years ago. No idea. Whether they will take that into account - I sincerely expect them to take his licence away for at least a year and pay a fine and in doing that he will lose his job. Best case scenario really - and that all along has been what has got me. He risked everything , and in that moment he did not care who he could and didn't hurt , and I realised I had enabled and excused him all these years and you lovely people made me realise that and that I can get out . ❤️

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/06/2020 00:06

Under no circumstances should a single penny of that £500 go toward his fine.

He can work out a payment plan and shell out his own earnings.

How will he ever take his problem seriously if someone else's money pays his bills and his fine for drink driving? How will he ever learn that it is really important for him not to lose his job? Not to drink and drive?
There is literally no consequence for him at all to losing his license or his job if bills continue to be paid (or deferred) and you pay his fine.

He risked everything
No, he risked absolutely nothing if he can count on continuing to live on your dime.

Paying his fine would count as enabling.

BlackCat91 · 07/06/2020 00:50

I accompanied my friend to court for her drink driving hearing last year. She was 3 times over the limit and faced a custodial sentence, which came as a shock!. Luckily a court solicitor represented her on the day and sentencing was delayed for 6 weeks for probation reports. (My friend was an alcoholic). She received a six week prison sentence suspended for 18 months. A 36 month driving ban, a fine, court costs and she had to attend a course via the probation service for alcohol dependency.

Emmelina · 07/06/2020 02:33

Daft bugger! Hope you are OK op.

Euclid · 07/06/2020 03:11

@Emmelina Daft bugger? Criminally irresponsible and dangerous bugger is more like it. How would you feel if somebody whom you cared about was killed by a drunk driver? Would you call the driver a daft bugger?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/06/2020 06:12

OP - I divorced an alcoholic - I know how hard this can be.

When I was looking for a rental, I kept missing out as due to work I wasn't quick enough when places came to the rental market. A lettings agent recommended I register with On The Market www.onthemarket.com/to-rent/ to be alerted 24 hours before places appeared on Rightmove. I did, and found the place I currently live. I hopw that helps. And good luck. Best thing I ever did was leaving my ex - he's drinking himself to death ...

backinaminute · 07/06/2020 07:59

Op, I think you have amazing strength.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 07/06/2020 08:37

mathanxiety- am absolutely hoping it won't have to as o am hoping to be gone by then . But because he doesn't know he is assuming we are in it together currently and as he knows it's there he knows we have a 'cushion' . It would raise many more questions if I didnt use that money for the fines.But I do absolutely see your point - so I am going to try to ensure if we haven't gone by then that he gets a weekly payment plan as a pp said - I didn't know you could do that so that appears to be the solution. Blackcat - gosh that sounds scary - 6 weeks waiting for a sentence? Hope your friend is recovering and doing better now - thank you for sharing . It is a magistrates court he is going to - was it the same for your friend ? X batshitcrazywoman (great name !) Thank you - thought that was just for buying buy have registered for alerts now - great tip thank you and glad to hear you got out - that is reassuring to hear and hope u are doing well xx thank you xx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/06/2020 08:59

If he is no longer drinking and soon drugs surely he should have an increased savings pot because of that?

How are your finances handled? How does he usually pay for alcohol and drugs?

When the fine comes through or he next mentions I would just casually say that you expect him to pay for by cutting back on his spending to show that he is serious about the whole incidence and accepts it's his responsibility.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 07/06/2020 09:12

Yes we are definitely saving money every week. I worked out it's around £40-50 pounds on alcohol per week now the pubs are shit . Before that it was waaaaay more. Hard to know as he has been unemployed for long periods and for most of our lives together he had all control of money . It's only when I changed jobs that now my wages go into my account so have actually got money into my account along with tax credits and child benefit . He is just getting his furlough pay ATM. Drugs are variable - between 50-100 a week . I honestly don't know- it's not as much. But yes I do wonder what will happen after pubs open .tbh- I am tired of worrying about where the money goes xx when I woke this morning he informed me he had bought a 55 inch TV from wish for 200 pounds. With the saved money ...nice one Hmm

OP posts:
summerrose11 · 07/06/2020 09:18

Why are you with him OP?? Drink driving, drugs, him being unemployed. Causing you stress worrying about money. What positives are there

RandomMess · 07/06/2020 09:22

You need to tell him today that he needs to start saving to pay court fees, if he can afford a TV he can afford the fine.

I would just tell him "I'm not spending my savings on your DD charges so I suggest cancelling the TV".

It's worth the argument tbh! If he gets nasty phone the police Thanks

Jokie · 07/06/2020 09:32

I agree with randommess. Tell him to cancel the wish order because he needs to start saving for his court fees and costs. You're not paying for his alcohol anymore.

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 07/06/2020 09:32

@mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme
I am so sad reading your posts.
You read like such a hard working woman being taking for a ride by an absolute loser.
Spending £50-100a week on drugs, and £40+ on alcohol.
£200 on a telly from wish without any consultation with you.
I hope you do get away and have a nicer (and easier) life without him

Jokie · 07/06/2020 09:32

*you're not paying for HIM anymore. Darn autocorrect

mathanxiety · 07/06/2020 09:46

Even if you haven't gone by the court date you MUST NOT pay his fines.

He can work out an agreement with the court. They take installments. It is his responsibility and his only.

It would raise many more questions if I didnt use that money for the fines
If he confronts you over it and gets angry that you haven't forked over money you earned or money that could provide for the children, tell him if he is serious about dealing with his drinking problem that means he has to take full responsibility for the consequences that his drinking has caused, and you are not going to carry the can for him. Fold your arms and tell him he is now a changed man and his fine is fully his responsibility. He will need to focus on keeping his job in order to pay it.

If he stops paying his installments there will be consequences imposed by the court, btw. It will be very, very good for him to be accountable to the court for payments.

when I woke this morning he informed me he had bought a 55 inch TV from wish for 200 pounds. With the saved money ...nice one
Sell it!! Sell it today!!

This is outrageous.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 07/06/2020 10:00

All good points. I see what you are saying re court fines . But i am trying to be non confrontational whilst going along with stuff.That's why he is doing DIY jobs.ordering crap from wish etc etc if he gets an inkling I am leaving it will all become very different. I am going along in the short term as that is what I have always done but the difference now is I am focussed on another thing - getting out. Mathanxiety- I can't fold my arms and call him out as that is way too confrontational and I hand on heart don't know how he is going to be - to make a safe , fast exit it needs to be in secret and when he is not here . If he gets a ban(which he most likely will) , he loses his job and that's it. I will be glad to fast forward to Christmas right now :(

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/06/2020 10:03

Can you speak to him nicely and just ask him not to buy anything else as he needs to save for the court fees? Sort of that drip drip hint that you won't pay for it rather than direct confrontation?

RandomMess · 07/06/2020 10:04

Or he needs to save in cases he loses his job...

memberof5 · 07/06/2020 10:11

Op I would ask him to cancel the tv on the basis that the 2 of you don't know what the court fine will be and his job situation.

SionnachGlic · 07/06/2020 10:22

Hi OP,

I understand your wish to avoid a full on confrontation as you are fearful of the outcome (which is proof itself you need to leave). But could you at least, in the manner of making a helpful suggestion (🙄 altho it sounds totally contrary to my personality which wd be 🤬 at the tv!) , say that the £200 is needed to address more important imminent costs!? Let him think 'fine' & you think 'escape'!

OP, I really feel for you living on eggshells with this leech of a man. You don't need him for anything really...you have already shown time & time again that you do not sink when tested. You will be so much better off without him, the eggshell atmosphere in your home will lift for you & your, you will have full control of your own income & household finances, you will flourish. Keep going OP.... I hope you find a house for your new happier home soon..