Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

Using alcohol to mask something you can’t face about yourself or your life means that if the alcohol is no longer there you have to face the problem. I can understand why someone doesn’t want to do that.

While your life looks normal - partner, family, house, job, you can make alcohol look like a normal part of life. It’s everywhere, on birthday cards, adverts, we joke about it - haha better hide the recycling!

I really hope you can leave and make a new life. If he chooses to stop being an addict that’s great, but that can’t be the reason you leave, you’re doing it for you and your kids. He’s made his choice, and maybe he’ll see that.

What strikes me is the way your 17 year old is tiptoeing about doing chores, trying not to rock the boat and to make it all better sad.

You might be surprised how badly this is affecting your children

THIS with bells on. It’s not only yourself that you have to think of.

Alongside what mathanxiety has said, it's also possible that he is indeed not drinking, but that his increasing grumpiness is because he is currently 'dry drunk' - an alcoholic who isn't drinking but still has all the problems which are at the root of his addiction.

Oh, and he is an alcoholic. He really is. Please do a little reading and dismiss the stereotype of what you think an alcoholic looks like.

Morning everyone xx lots of amazing , factual advice from you all - thank you so much x I stand corrected on the information about alcoholism - I did not know. I recognised so much in your story also youareanobody xx hope you can get through it - the end is in sight xx thank you for posting xx AriadnesFilament, LakieLady, mathanxiety and UniversalAunt - thank you for the calm clear factual Ness of your post XXX and Inkpaperstars and sionnachGlic - thank you for your support through all of this xx and any others xx i am off now but hopefully next time I post its to say I have found somewhere and am packing xx thank you all so so much xx

Bless you, OP. I hope you will have, too.

Fingers crossed for you and I hope things progress smoothly for you.🌹

I was also going to say that alcoholism isn't a single illness, that it has different faces.
There is the stereotypical alcoholic, who drinks a bottle of vodka for breakfast every day, is always drunk and reeks of alcohol.
There is the functional alcoholic, who manages to hold down a job and do most things but who can't function well without alcohol daily and who may or may not have violence issues.
Then there is the binge alcoholic - they may NOT drink every day, and they may be able to go for several days, even weeks, without drinking at all - but when they start, they have no off-switch and get all-out blitzed in a drinking sesh.
And then there are the in-betweens.

So no - they don't all have obvious withdrawal symptoms, and they don't all have a daily need to drink - but they do all lack control when it comes to alcohol intake.

So please don't assume that your H is NOT an alcoholic, because it very much sounds as though he IS, despite his protestations.

Have you been in touch with AlAnon yet? I'm sorry I can't remember if you've said that or not - but if you haven't, please find a group and talk to them. Their input will be even more helpful to you than ours, as they will ALL have been in your position and will ALL be able to tell you the same things that many people on this thread have said too.

Good luck with finding somewhere.

I have had some amazing advice and pointers and support xx thank you all so much xxx

You're sounding a lot more determined now - I'm glad, for you and for your DC. I hope you find somewhere to move to soon. Keep strong!

hope to hear good news soon x

"A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." - Eleanor Roosevelt

It turns out that the OP is a builder's brew!

Then over the past few years it's the same old behaviours just minus anything physical and that is why I am keeping up this weird act and avoiding confrontation at all costs.
Has anyone suggested contacting Women's Aid, there doesn't need to be violence for it to be an abusive relationship. OP, as you've said yoursef, it has been physical before and you're wary of it happening again. They might be able to help with your housing hunt as well as other practical help to get you out safely.

Good luck.

Hi OP

Did you meet up with your friend? And did you tell her ?

Just checking in to say I hope you're doing ok op

Is he still behaving himself?

Morning everyone xx not an awful lot has changed , have applied for three properties and no luck as yet. Around here there are 5-7 families applying for each property. It appears market is a bit hot because of lockdown easing. Which is ok , as it is relatively peaceful here at home. DH is still not drinking - day 14- and keeping busy with children and lots of DIY. He is still saying the same + he had changed and that is it buy we have so much history o find I am just ...waiting . Leading a double life ATM I am trying not to get bogged down with practical details and logistics of leaving too much - if I can just secure a property that would help as am aiming to go whilst he is at court on 25th June. But I am ok , we are all ok thank you so much for checking in everyone XXX❤️

Holding good thoughts for you and your property search.

In a hot market sometimes it helps to offer either a higher rent than asking price or to pay a number of months 'up front'. Would either of those be a possibility?

That's very good advice, @AcrossThePond55. If all else is equal, a landlord will often by 3 or 6 months rent upfront.

OP,

It is good to hear you are still moving forward with your plan. Is there any agency you can register with or could you leave a wanted ads on noticeboards such as in your workplace or supermarket. It might just catch the eye of a Landlord before s/he lists the property to let elsewhere. Anything to give you a jump ahead.

Has DH told his employer about the DD charge? If he will def lose his job (I think you said he drives for work?) then has he looked for another. Has he told anyone apart from downplaying it to his sister...?
Has he even got a solicitor yet ?

As for his court date, are you planning on packing & leaving when he is in court? You do realise if his case is first to be called it will be over quickly.. he could be in & out in 30 mins. If it is a long list & he is last, he could be there for the day.

Wishing you the best OP for you & your kids. You are doing the right thing for them..

Glad he's still behaving "for now" and hope it does carry on until you can leave, at least. It's possible that he is wary of having anything else happen prior to his court date, so I do hope you can get out by then - best of luck with finding somewhere, sounds a bit painful!

Accrossthepond & lakielady - of course that would make great sense but I have had the chance to calculate a few figures using tax credits calculator etc and there is not a lot of room for manouvre with monthly budget. I have a very small amount of savings that DH knows I have - it's literally £500. He assumes I am allocating that for the inevitable court costs. But I should be able to get a half decent property for what I can afford as I am not too fussy but there is a shortage. At the moment I have a bit of time , but am continually aware that his earnest good mood may not last.and I don't want to be caught short with nowhere to go , but as Thumb pointed out , if I can keep it all calm until we go. It makes for an easier life. sionnachGlic thank you - great suggestions . I have registered with openrent, Rightmove, Zoopla, gumtree for alerts but I don't want to risk DH seeing anything. I have set up separate email account for Mumsnet (priorities ) and property enquires. So fingers crossed xx he has not told his employer as he does not want to lose the furlough pay - he has a job interview next Tues within pharma industry which is what he used to do so he is trying to line something up for when he inevitably loses his job and licence but on the same hand he still insists it's possible he won't lose his licence.! Thank you for the tips about court , I was hoping for the latter but to be honest he will need a lift home so my backup plan was to ask a familyember to pick him up and take him for a coffee to take a bit more time. To grab and go I will only need a couple of hours I think ? X so praying he is last on the list ! But I did not think if that so thank you xx thank you all will keep u posted xx thank you xxx

Why would your savings go on his court costs? Even when sober he’s showing how selfish he is.

I appreciate that is how that sounds bit atm i earn the most money so I pay most of the bills ,and as we have had some payment holidays form a couple of bills due to coronavirus , there is a slight excess built up over that time. Originally we planned to pay off some of the carried over balances once we knew more what was going to happen with our jobs. Now it will go on court costs unless I leave with children first .

I assumed I suppose he can sell the car and with no insurance and tax he will be able to pay his court costs with that? Do they allow payment plans or does it have to be paid all in one go ?

OP

When you mean court costs, do you mean solicitor's fee? Has he engaged a solicitor yet? If so, he should know how much they will charge for a consultation & appearing in Court on DH's behalf & whether that is required to be paid upfront or within specified period. Some firms require it upfront becauae if one-off client it is too difficult to recover payment once case is over. Other firms wait 30 days & can then pursue payment. You cd ask him if he's asked abt fees....but I wd probably say nothing in case he wanted me to commit my money to it.

What will happen to your 'escape fund' if his case comes up first...he'll use it for his legal costs??

No idea about UK court costs. But I agree that he should pay his own. Why should you suffer (more than you have to) because he's a damned fool?

I've always told my DH and my sons that if they EVER get done for DUI (not that I believe they're that stupid) not to even bother calling me. They can sit in jail for the mandatory 48 hr hold and they can fund their own costs. A 1st offense where I live runs about $15,000-17,000 (USD) minimum for court costs, fines, attorney, required classes, etc. And that doesn't even count the massive increase in auto insurance (if you can find any). $15/20K because someone doesn't want to pay $15-20 for an Uber.