Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

Hi, you have had some good advice here. I just want to say you sound lovely and you are doing really well. 💐

Please remember how hard it is normally. He will use all the excuses, "you left me so I drank, you stayed and argued so I drank, you expect me to drink and make me feel bad so I drank..." and really he'll just do it because he wants to. I was almost convinced I was crazy because of course he wasn't drinking, it was all in my head. I couldn't tell anyone how scared I was all the time because everything was secret. Alcoholics love secrets, it helps them continue drinking. Stay strong, this is the best thing you can do for you and your children

Charming is totally wrong for these circumstances, isn't it? Compare it with the remorse that the partner of the recovering gambler spoke of. That is the appropriate response: remorse. Charming says, "That was old me did the things I'm not even really thinking about, so in a way you could say it's not really me at all!" And you and the DC and the way you have been hurt and could have been hurt - that doesn't even feature in his thinking at all.

I know its a hard situation, but as someone who was the child in this situation, I urge you, please don't backtrack on this & go back to the status quo because its easier. Nothing will change long term!

You may think the kids don't know whats going on, but they 100% do. The number of times my mum spoke of leaving, took us to a friends house & then ended up taking us back into the same old situation. I can now appreciate how hard it was for her. It was a different world back then. There wasn't the state support there is now & she had no family support or anywhere to stay. Not sure if Women's Aid & the like existed, she wouldn't have known if they did. Mum ended up joining him in the drinking & throwing us all out to fend for ourselves in our early-mid teens. I appreciate it is still not an easy situation, but it will be the best thing you could ever do for your kids.

I have a lifetime of stories I could tell you about growing up with an alcoholic father (PM if you like) & a mother who refused to protect us & ended up joining him in alcoholism before dying after wasting her entire adult life on someone who didn't deserve her, leaving me as the only DC mug enough to take on responsibility for dad when she was gone. Don't do this to your kids! Get out NOW!

Op if I were you I would tell the police about the cocaine. Also why does he not allow you on your phone when he’s around? This is a horribly abusive relationship, well done for getting things sorted to leave

Thank you all - I couldn't get on my phone but have read all these. Breaks my heart for you Fuckyoucorona - I am so sorry and I am strengthened by your story thank you for sharing xx cocobean - what would be the point ? I don't mean that flippantly but it's been nine days and likely they have cleaned the car since then - he would know it was me because noone else knew. I don't want to come across as defending him but he really isn't an alcoholic - surely he would have physical withdrawal symptoms by now as PP have said? Tbh- it doesn't change my thinking but I am really really struggling with the final go because he is being so nice and has not drunk a drop . I know it sounds pathetic - but on the other hand as PP have said it is temporary - sooner or later this will slip. He is getting increasingly grumpy with every day that passes - I know he is holding out to prove he has changed to me , it is just for show I think. . I am sticking with the Titanic analogy- and that you have all told me it's ok to wobble. I am going to see my best mate tomorrow and I know that will help m if it was not for MN I would feel very alone so thank you all xx

Do you think if I reported him to the police about the cocaine they would tell him I told them ? If they found it would he get more help to sort himself out ? I am asking and it sounds terrible but perhaps that would be what he needs to realise it's an issue . Although he really is insisting that he can do it , he has had a fundamental shift in his psyche and it is sorted ....oh I don't know ..just wondering .

OP, have a read of these of these two sentences of yours that you’ve just typed:

he really isn't an alcoholic

and

He is getting increasingly grumpy with every day that passes

Can you see how those two sentences link together in the context of what he has stopped using since he was arrested?

He may not be dependent to such a degree that he gets physically seriously ill when he stops drinking, but he is dependent on alcohol and drugs. He is an addict. And rather than honestly and openly facing up to that with himself and you, he’s feeding you more lines and you’re letting him.

It’s your choice whether you stay or leave - and not for me to say either way what I think is best - but please don’t let the lies he’s telling himself colour the choice you make. Whatever you do, be crystal clear about what is at play here: he is dependent on alcohol. Without true and honest full facing up to that fact on his part, he cannot conquer it. Without true and honest facing up to that fact on your part, you are doomed to repeat past patterns of behaviour with regards to forgiveness/saving him whether you stay or go.

Make a choice, but do it with your eyes wide open and let the scales fall from them.

They might not tell him but he would almost certainly think you told them. And it wouldn't help him get help.

Withdrawal symptoms: if he's not drinking all day (or pretty much all day) every single day, he may not have the degree of physical dependency that causes them. DPs ex is alcohol dependent, she drinks at least 2 bottles of wine a day, a lot more at weekends or on holiday. But she doesn't have a drink until 5-6 pm on working days, is usually passed out pissed by 9 or 10 and she almost never gets hangovers or the shakes or anything.

Or he could be drinking just enough to keep them at bay. The husband of someone I knew was always really bad tempered every morning until he'd been "out for a walk". She later found out that the "walk" was to the local convenience store where he'd buy a small bottle of vodka, and drink it on his "walk". He'd return in a much better mood.

Your DH is being "nice" because he doesn't want you to leave. That's a big incentive. But the strain of being "nice" and not drinking is making him "grumpy". I know he's not abusive, but it's a bit like abusive men who can be "nice" for ages ... until the day they're not.

I wouldn't be surprised if, some time in the next few days or weeks, he'll get so grumpy that he'll provoke a row so that he has an excuse to go out and get pissed, and you know what? It'll all be your fault, because he'd been making such an effort and you didn't appreciate it.

If he really wants to change and stop drinking, he'll realise he needs to do it on his own. Go to AA or some other local group, get some counselling, therapy, whatever he needs. Just keep telling him that and give everything else the "grey rock" treatment.

You need all your strength for yourself and your kids. You can't do this for him. It's not a problem that can be shared in that way.

OP: could it be that he has a secret stash of drink somewhere? So he's not drinking in front of you but is still drinking?

Hi OP, although many people are aware of withdrawal symptoms and the fact that they can be awful, they actually don't apply to the majority of alcoholics. I have read that only 5% of us experience full blown DTs (I am one of those) and the first time it happened to me, I wasn't even drinking that much and didn't make the connection with alcohol at all. When I was taken from work to hospital with a seizure as a result, I was obviously sober and nobody made the connection there either (this was many years ago). George Best in his autobiography says that he didn't experience DTs when he stopped drinking - so regardless of the quantity the person is drinking prior to stopping, it's not a foregone conclusion that the effect will be dramatic.

As for being able to stop - the majority of people I know could stop relatively easily for about six weeks. After that, the complacency of "see, I told you I didn't have a problem" sets in and they might have a "night off" just to prove that they can. Most alcoholics in the cycle of drink/relapse keep diazepam because they know they're going to relapse in the future.

I hope this doesn't sound negative - it's meant to be factual.

OP: could it be that he has a secret stash of drink somewhere?

BFF's alcoholic DH kept 'travel size' bottles in the toilet tank when he was 'not drinking'. He also had a 'secret' stash in the garage and would 'take walks' and buy alcohol. You'd be amazed at where and how far an alcoholic goes to hide their drinking. And what they'll do to disguise the smell on their breath.

He IS experiencing withdrawals. Just because he's not having full on DTs doesn't mean he isn't. "Being grumpy" is one of them. And if he's keeping 'secret nips' then he's taking just enough to stop a full on melt downs/withdrawal.

You can buy breathalyzers online on Amazon. We have one because my brother was a real bad alcoholic for years (he's a recovered alcoholic now) and we told him he wasn't allowed in the house unless he was willing to be breathalyzed if we felt he'd been drinking. Tell your DH you've ordered one and see what he says.

Although, if you're determined to leave (and you should be) then in a way it's all moot. He's either drinking secretly or if he's stopped (for now) he'll relapse soon enough because he's not stopping for the right reasons AND he's insisting he can 'do it on his own'.

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme, posts from @AriadnesFilament

*OP, have a read of these of these two sentences of yours that you’ve just typed:

he really isn't an alcoholic

and

He is getting increasingly grumpy with every day that passes

Can you see how those two sentences link together in the context of what he has stopped using since he was arrested?*

& posters onwards since then have this.

He is drinking, there has been no abstinence since the incident. He will have stashes that he dips into during the day to top up just enough for him to function. His grumpiness is fuelled by lack of opportunity to access to alcohol either to consume or top up his dwindling supply.

Alcohol dependent or Alcoholic is as Alcoholic does.

I don't want to come across as defending him but he really isn't an alcoholic - surely he would have physical withdrawal symptoms by now as PP have said?

Alcoholism (or alcohol use disorder) is not always characterised by continuous, heavy drinking on a daily basis. While physical reliance on alcohol can be a part of the picture of the problem, it's not always the full picture. It is fundamentally a matter of the relationship with alcohol, and the question of whether someone is an alcoholic can be answered by noting whether the individual's drinking has jeopardised work prospects or professional standing, family relationships, physical safety of self or others (driving), and despite legal or financial problems. Does the individual keep on choosing to drink even though he knows what he stands to lose by choosing to drink?

By relationship with alcohol I mean 'what have you seen him prioritise when faced with the choice - drinking or family relationships, drinking or job, drinking or safety of self or others'? Have you seen him make bargains with fate in order to justify drinking - 'I know six beers is over the limit but the children are buckled in and we're not going on the motorway', 'I know a drink driving arrest will be the end of my job but there is no way I will be pulled over when there are so many really crazy drivers out there and the police are busy enforcing the lockdown'. The big one is 'I can easily stop any time on my own'.

What I am saying is that there is a willingness to be reckless in pursuit of a buzz that is characteristic of alcoholism. It's not always someone gasping for a drink at 9 in the morning and out cold by 4 in the afternoon.

They wouldn’t tell him that you tipped them off, but obviously he could put two and two together. Searching the car would validate what he did. It’s hard to say if it would make him get help. Maybe it would or maybe he would placate you for a few weeks until falling off the wagon again

In regards to him being ‘nice’. This is an act and deep down you know it. This is not him. It’s CLASSIC abusive behaviour, he is shitting himself as you’re pulling away from him and he’s trying to get you back within his grip ASAP. As soon as you’ve relaxed back in to life with him he will stop being nice and fall back in to his old horrible ways. Please remember this to give you strength. It’s just an act!

Good post @mathanxiety

It's so disrespectful of him to suggets that after years of drug and alcohol abuse, putting lives of others including your dc at risk repeatedly, treating you badly in multiple ways, you should just be fobbed off with a shift in his psyche'. No! If he was even half way serious about anything he would aware that people deserve to see evidence of him taking every step to get proper help. Even then, it would as others have said be moot. It's something he has to do by himself. He has the hope that if he succeeds he might eventually resume meaningful contact with his dc. That's more than many have to help them through recovery.

Shift in my psyche! oh well, job done then!

@mathanxiety

Hugely informative post.

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme The choice as to what to do is yours alone. From what I've read in your posts, and especially as there are children involved, I'd be packing up & moving out. He's becoming increasingly grumpy....it is just a matter of time so.

Enjoy your time with your friend tomorrow. Tell her everything, including the arrest & DD charge. And tell him you told her.

I've now said enough on here so will only be repeating myself again if I say any more.

I’m no expert in alcoholism, but I heard a programme on the radio on the subject. It was presented by an alcoholic and the thing I learnt was that alcoholics are not characterised solely by continual daily drinking. This lady could stop for days or weeks at a time if she had to, but she said that what made her an alcoholic was that once she resumed drinking she would be unable to stop. Whereas you or I might be happy with an occasional glass of wine, if she drank one glass she would have to drink the whole bottle. If and when your DH resumes drinking, it will be interesting to see whether he can limit himself to just a half pint or a glass of wine. If he truly is in the grip of alcohol, he won’t be able to.

What strikes me is the way your 17 year old is tiptoeing about doing chores, trying not to rock the boat and to make it all better .

You might be surprised how badly this is affecting your children.

Hi op.

I've been reading since the beginning, and really feel for you and the situation you're in.

I can empathise to an extent. I'm in the process of getting a mortgage sorted in preparation for leaving my DH, and although I'm definitely not perfect, a big part of it for me is his drinking.

I have watched my DHs alcohol intake increase over the years and have been helpless in getting him to see how much he's drinking, how it's affecting him and how it's affecting me.

He's self employed and probably on a few occasions he's had to cancel jobs as he's still been drunk the next day and cannot drive (I know I should count myself lucky he's not getting behind the wheel). I've asked and begged him to cut back. Being naive, we compromised on him drinking only at weekends but then the midweek drinking crept back in. Every year he gives up alcohol for lent but this year he lasted about 2 weeks. He's hidden empty bottles from me, hidden full bottles of rum, lied about how much alcohol he's bought at the shops. He gets angry and defensive when I try to speak to him about cutting back...apparently he drinks because I drive him to it. He's resorted to drinking whatever is available in the house when he's ran out of trim or beer (old musty mulled wine and my own fruit ciders, which he can't stand). I wouldn't say he's an angry drunk but he's said a lot that he's regretted. I counted his alcohol intake for a couple of weeks...one week was about 60 units and the next week was about 90. Still refuses to admit he has a problem. He got so pissed at our wedding he had to go upstairs at the hotel before our guests had left, and I had to say goodbye to them all on my own. He passed out in the room I got ready in, not the honeymoon suite that was untouched.

Like I said, I'm no angel. I've got my own issues and I'm not easy to live with at times. But I've reached my limit now and I'm getting prepared to leave.

Please stop making excuses for him because he won't change. No matter what you say or do, he just won't. He needs to make that decision for himself but you don't need to hang around while he bulldozes his life. I know it's scary starting over, I'm living through something similar to you, but you can do it. Once you get thallium rolling it'll o my get easier.

Heartbreaking story.

Hope better times are ahead.

As an aside, but relevant. A few days ago, I watched the BBC Horizon documentary about Tony Slattery & his struggle with mental health problems & dependency on alcohol.

I found much of the story touching & felt huge compassion for Slattery’s partner Mark who is his Carer. Slattery’s quest was to find a definitive diagnosis of his long standing MH problems. The hope was build a treatment plan to relieve his suffering & bring forth recovery so that he may return to better health & express his considerable talents. I shan’t reveal the story end but will say how wearing it was to see him deflect & dodge the advice & recommendations of abstinence to address his MH & alcoholism from a considerable panel of clinical expertise.

By contrast, I found the BBC documentary by Adrian Chiles about his alcoholism more factual & informative, & I was more hopeful for Chiles’s future as he seemed to fully embrace what was required of him to recover.

Do you think if I reported him to the police about the cocaine they would tell him I told them ?

I don’t think they could really act on it if you weren’t prepared to give a statement. Even if the cocaine was found when they searched the car at the end of their shift, they wouldn’t have much of an evidential trail without your testimony, so if you aren’t prepared to stand up in court you’re kind of just wasting their time.

Op i really feel for you and am sorry you are going through all this. You have to do what is right for you and the kids. A family member drinks a lot and his partner and kids left him last year after putting up with it for way too long, he would promise to change but never did. I feel bad for him now as he is on his own, and isolates himself a lot from others, and he still drinks, I can smell it on him. It's a horrible situation, but only he can help himself and she did the right thing. I feel so helpless, but I don't mention it, ever. He would react defensively and angry if I ever mentioned it. His problem makes him very unreliable and it's hard to build a relationship with him and his kids now. Very sad situation but I hope he sorts himself out. Im sorry I don't have any advice but I wish you all the best.