Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

If I sound cross, it isn't with you eyebrows. I am cross for you at the situation you are in.

He puts the lives of your children at risk. Your loyalty is to them. You don't have the luxury of giving him the benefit of any doubt.

You have given him years and things are just getting worse. Ironically leaving him seems to be the only thing not yet tried to get him to take responsibility for things, something he has never done with you and the kids there. If he really means to do it and get better then as Terriers says, should he become a man who think you would want to live as a family with then that can be assessed then. I doubt it because it sounds like there are problems with his attitudes and personality that go beyond the alcohol, and there is just so much history. But the point is, him saying he can better and things can be better is not a reason why you have to stay to see if that is true. Wish him the best of luck with that as you go, I know you will mean it too for the sake of the children.

Does he have access to car keys right now? That would worry me.

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but I just wanted to give my support as someone who lived with an alcoholic and foolishly had children with him. The constant I'm sorrys, the constant I'll try AA, it's your fault, you make me feel inadequate, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm alcohol dependent. He lied, lied, lied and lied some more. Has rewritten history, claimed it showed a positive on the breathalyser we owned for many different reasons-amazingly not one was because he had had a drink. I was accused of tampering with it! I eventually ended it, but he refused to leave for over 6 months. He started seeing the children at his place, then he turned up here drunk...fast forward to me stopping contact, us going through court for 2 years. The professionals were wonderful with me and could see I was just trying to keep my children safe (he has form for drink driving, even the children). He's now not allowed to see the children as his drinking is still clearly a huge issue. Having my son cry why does daddy chose beer over me was absolutely gut wrenching. I have been on my own now 3 years and I absolutely love it. I stayed as long as I did-5 years as i was scared of being on my own! Ha! I'm a much much better mum now in not with him. We are getting on with our lives whilst he is still drinking, telling his family he isnt etc. I fully believe he will never ever kick the drink as he is far too much of a woe is me type person. You can do this OP, you absolutely can. Sending you a virtual hug xx

Inkpaperstars- the keys are on a hook but he has not been drinking . He hasnt for 6 days. This is what I mean - he has been flawlessly nice this week . That's why it's so conflicting. We have separated before after an altercation between us 4 years ago and it got physical , he was arrested , no charges. We were separate for 5 months or so , and he went through a short period of not drinking then I think . I know he can do it , we started again as PP suggested and reconciled. Then over the past few years it's the same old behaviours just minus anything physical and that is why I am keeping up this weird act and avoiding confrontation at all costs. But this time I have every intention to leave and stay left. Myself and the children need to create our own bubble . Notenough - that sound crazy and horrendous and am so glad you made it out and glad children are okay x maybe in a couple of years I can pay it forward and help someone on here with a virtual hug and a good outcome xx thank you xx

It’s conflicting yes but also annoying because why couldn’t he be good like this for all these years...well because he chose not to!

Hang in there you’ll leave and have a much better life without the fear in it, money may be tight but you won’t have the awful fear of him drinking driving.

When I was in the process of trying to leave my drug addicted (now ex) husband, I wavered a lot too. One day I was so strong and clear headed about leaving and then I would feel guilty for ‘giving up’ and not standing by him. After all, I’d got up in front of all our family and friends and said for better and worse, maybe this was just our rough patch and in years to come we’ll look back at our dark days and be so happy we got through it.
Except the thing was, he never thought he had a problem with drugs. I was the one with the problem with him doing drugs. And it hit me one day that he would never ever ever change, because he didn’t see why he should. And the thing that made me go and never look back was when a friend who in the years before had also left her long term partner said to me ‘I tried to leave him 2 years before i actually did. I got sucked back in, hoping blindly that our good days would come back. I would give anything to get those 2 years of my life back. Don’t lose any more years to him. He’s taken enough’

I was 31 when I left. No children so I understand why things are much more difficult for you. But now I’m 38, engaged to the best person in the world and mum to a gorgeous little boy. There is such a better life waiting for you OP and one day you’re going to look back on these days and be so so grateful you stayed strong and left xx

He may well change, @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme. This may well be the wake up call that he needs.

But -
He can make the change without you or the children hanging around, waiting and wondering, hoping and perhaps being disappointed. The family dynamic will continue to revolve around his problems, not the lives of all its members, with everyone supporting each other through their ups and downs.

Telling you to give him another chance mixes up the drinking issue with the relationship issue, and that is him putting responsibility for his change, his recovery, squarely on you.

Essentially what him trying to keep you tells you is that he has not actually changed. It tells you he is not accepting his own full responsibility for quitting the booze. He is trying to manipulate you into staying by using the promise of change. The focus of that is not his drinking problem, is it? The focus of that is winning this discussion about you leaving.

Except the thing was, he never thought he had a problem with drugs. I was the one with the problem with him doing drugs.

THIS ^^

He thinks you are the one with the problem and if you decide to stay and not complain any more, then there is no problem.

I'm sorry to hear he has got physical during past conflicts. You are doing really well planning all this in the safest way you can.

I believe he completely believes that he has it together and was dependant on alcohol and now isn't

Someone who is dependent on alcohol is always dependent on it imo. People fall off the wagon after decades of sobriety. One of my recovering alcoholic friends says that she still craves it, after nearly 30 years, and that she just has to think of alcohol as poison to her. She won't even use perfume, because the smell of the spirit base in perfume makes her want to drink.

Stay strong OP. My dad was an alcoholic. From personal experience unless they admit they are an alcoholic they never change. Alcoholism does not fix itself overnight.

He hasn't hidden any drugs or alcohol from me this week or ever. He doesn't need AA as he knows he can do this and he is different to others.

I doubt this, alcoholics who go cold turky get withdrawal symptoms, sometimes they have a withdrawal fit, it's incredibly rare to have no symptoms unless you are taking something on prescription.

OP think about it this way, you your children and the dog are on the Titanic, you are going to get into a lifeboat (and yes some dogs did get off the Titanic in lifeboats) you are going to be lowered into a cold dark night unable to see the sea.

You will look back and think, "it was warm and familiar there, maybe ..." but when morning comes you will be safe, on a boat that won't sink and you will sail into harbour and a new life.

Whenever it seems cold and dark, think about that, you are safer than you were even if you are not as comfortable for a while.

BTW I have some insomnia, and even when I don't I'm awake early so if you ever need someone to talk to on here at 5.00am just give me a shout.

Don’t lose your resolve. I didn’t leave my addict but the situation was and is different. DP (as he was then) was a gambling addict and had spent thousands of pounds of his money whilst we were using my money (postgrad student) for living expenses. I had tens of thousands on credit cards and loans because his bank account had been compromised and his wages weren’t being paid (all lies). I was being treated for severe mental health issues and heavily medicated sleeping up to 18 hours a day so it was easy to pull the wool over my eyes. When my medication was reduced I started asking questions and for the money to be paid back as promised. It came to a head, he went out for a walk and called his parents and came back sobbing he had a gambling habit. I was staggered but felt so sorry for him and said I would stand by him but he had to go to GA and give control over all his finances to me. His parents agreed to give him some of his inheritance early so I would not have to declare myself bankrupt (on the proviso we got married within weeks as apparently they believed I was going to take the money and run - they are another story). He went to GA and I went to GAMANON. Everyone in my life told me to leave him. But he stuck with it, his wages were paid into my account for the next two years and he was remorseful every day and has been for the past 15 years. He’s not had one slip and even gets my permission to play the tombola at school fetes. He believed that he deserved to be left and when I gave him an opportunity to redeem himself, he was determined to do that. OP your husband is not doing that - if he was serious he would take responsibility for his own addiction. We now have three DC and if DH gambled once or lied to me again then he would be out. I would leave him tomorrow if he did anything to jeopardise the financial security of our family - your DH has endangered the lives of the general public and your children. It is useful to note that DH’s dad was an alcoholic who dies from it, who lost his licence twice and didn’t work from 40 - he grew up watching his mother ignore his father’s addiction and coincidentally grew up to be an addict himself? You deserve better and your children deserve better - four days of normality is not enough.

Hugs now this last week we’ve seen you go to hell and back, do you want this for the rest of your life, your life not his is in your hands, please leave.

How are things?

Hi everyone - thank you so much for the stories - so much hurt but so i feel so much hope too. On a selfish note it massively helps me to keep going when I hear your stories - thank you all for sharing with me they have a big impact. We are on day 7 of no drinking. Still charming , no change from that . It's all very strange limbo. Am hanging on to my sanity. Am actively searching And waiting for a house to come up for rent this week x thank you all xx

Good luck with the renting you can do this, he’s hoping this will die down, it’s already dead your just waiting to move on, 🤗💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

You're doing amazingly well!! You're definitely done because you acknowledge now that even though he is being nice and charming it's not making any difference to how you feel about the whole situation.

I don't know if this has already been addressed on here, but do you have anywhere else you can stay for a while whilst you're trying to find a place to rent? A friend or family member?

Really hope somewhere comes up for you soon

What an awful week you've had.

Hi OP,

Well done on keeping your resolve, amidst the wobbles which are to be expected. It is part & parcel of decision making that we weigh uo the pros & cons when making a decision. I was sad to see that coke is also a factor & that previously, altho it was years ago, that he has been violent toward you.

You are afraid to make the break with all it entails...upset kids, having to explain to wider family & friends, house move, strained finances. You know all those posters who said on here how the wasted years of their lives hoping, waiting, believing change would happen...and it did, because they made it happen. They took responsibility for theirs & kids future & happiness & created a better, safer, peaceful home. You develop resilience to cope with the strained finances, some difficult days, loneliness too for a while & sorrow. But you can say to yourself, like a mantra, that you did the right thing, what needed to be done for you & your children...and feeling that deep down in you will give you strength. It is like finding your power, taking control. It grows every day & one day you realise, ok it was so difficult, not knowing what to do, how to do it, if you could do it, if it was right.....and now here you are, look at you, you are doing it & you know it was right. Think of what life you want for you & your kids in the future.....the one without eggshells ...I think you know the way forward.

I don't have the same story as you OP, but I did take a leap as a frightened young adult, barely out if my teens with a newborn. It doesn't really matter I suppose what your fear factor is, it is something different for each of us perhaps, but if you can be brave, believe in yourself, trust your instinct, you will overcome & you will have a happier life. Imagine yourself 3 mths, 6 mths from now looking at this time & how you feel & knowing then that the hardest part is making the choice, the decision.

Who know...maybe in the future, after continued attendancee at AA, sobriety, admitting that he has a problem with his substances of choice...alcohol, coke... getting his life back on track, earning a living, supporting his children as a parent should, respecting you...who know if ye could date, see if those feelings are there. But he has such alot to prove... you need to make the right choice for you now. The rest can be left for the future...I'd be very surprised once you see your life without him & how strong you are if you ever looked back.

Have faith in yourself...

Hope you're feeling a bit stronger this morning, OP. Just remember, every new day is one day closer to your new life, and only your DH is responsible for his behaviour, not you.

Good morning XX i am ok - slept better but still but numb. Thank you so much for your post sionnachGlic it was very moving to read XXX thank you lakielady too for thinking of me and thank you everyone for your good thoughts and wishes xx I am focussed on finding somewhere ,- as soon as I do it will be all systems go . Not an awful lot o can do until then except hope that when he falls of the wagon we are not here. It's a matter of time - if he does I have a bolt hole lined up but I am hoping it would be more peaceful than that so as not to disrupt the children . This week I am going to concentrate on getting bills sorted and ready. Thank you everyone , will keep posting if that is ok it helps to hear your voices immeasurably XXX hope everyone has a lovely Sunday xx

Rooting for you Mydog
You deserve better, and it's so good to see that you are going to make it happen.

You can’t leave because of potential disappointment to people you have never met but you also shouldn’t stay because of the blackmail you are hearing from your husband.
If you stay then you would be unwise to allow him to only do it with family support. I don’t think you should say but I think if you decided to stay then one of the conditions should be that he seeks professional help and he isn’t reliant on quitting because of you or family. Like with everything he has to want to change and it doesn’t sound like he does. He has an alcohol problem and drug problem because he got into a car when drunk to purchase drugs and then left then in the police car.
Old habits will creep back in, the excuse will be ‘just 1 with dinner to celebrate our anniversary’ or ‘work was so stressful I just need the 1 to unwind’ and then soon enough down the line you are in the same position you are in now. This isn’t the first drink drive case for him.
He’s trying to guilt you by saying had he not have been caught then wouldn’t this be the best week with me being sober but he’s failing to realise that if he didn’t get caught then he wouldn’t have spent the week sober.

Think of it this way.

You being upset, you being unhappy, you feeling lonely, your kids potentially being in a crash, him losing his job and not being able to pay bills, him having a criminal record which will impact him being able to get another job to pay bills, him being a dick to you when he's drunk... NONE of that was enough for him to change his behaviour. NONE of you were enough to motivate him.

But when you say enough is enough and he realises HE might be lonely and unhappy and have no soft landing... THEN suddenly he wants to change and expects you to fall for it.

Exactly this. A reminder to re-read everytime you have a mental wobble about whether or not your're doing the right thing. It's still all about HIM. He hasn't given two shits about you or the DC EVER, but now that he might have to fend for himself and be lonely and miserable doing it, he promises to change? Fuck him.