Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

You know he will have minimised it to his Sister.

"Silly me, I didnt realise, I only had a beer but it was on an empty stomach, I couldnt believe it was positive"

Blah, blah, blah.

Not "I drank shitloads, 2 beers, 3 wines with DW and drank a bottle of red that I hid, then went out to score. I was so pissed I didnt think about who I could kill"

I'd be tempted to ring the police to tell them to search their car. Minimising wanker.

You're doing the right things, look for utility bills etc and get your name taken off them.
Get your salaries redirected to your account. Go get shopping and get cash back, if there's a surplus in the joint account.

He only does coke when he has had a drink. They go hand in hand for him I think

He is alcohol dependent so that means he probably does coke a lot more than you think if they go hand in hand.

I understand the difficult telling his sister and empathise hugely but the sad truth is she is likely to "side" with him in at least as she won't go contact with him - and she doesn't need to.

She does need to understand the extent of his actions and how risky they are.

Friday is the night where he will pop around the neighbours front garden for a drink so we will see

If he goes and has so much as one drink he is taking you for a mug. He shouldn't be going. Removing yourself from situations that involve a history of, access to and social acceptance of you having a drink is utterly foolish and to be honest would show how little he cares about your feelings and how he isn't taking this seriously.

It's a good measure to use to see what he does. Don't tell him not to go, see if he works out ANY of the above for himself.

I think you sound great, I think you're waking up to him but I don't think you've quite processed yet (and that's fair enough) how shocking it is you are with someone who is alcohol dependent, has driven with your children while over the limit, takes drugs when drunk (which is often) and now has lost his job (aka your families financial stability) and will probably will have a criminal record.

Read that back to yourself - does that sound like a relationship you would want your daughter/ son to be in as an adult? Of course not. It's shockingly bad. Being 'nice' for a while - because he will slip, perhaps even today with the neighbours - does not remove the fact he is fundamentally selfish.

I'm an ex addict. Coke. Barely anything else matters. I don't have kids yet, my wanting to be a mum one day is part of what got me clean. I would never touch it again. Therapy, hard work and rock bottom has got me healthy, happy, clean and in such a lovely and loving and fun relationship.

You can have that too.

Please reconsider telling his sister sooner, you would be surprised how quickly the 'dumped' party and their family (99% of the time) turn against the dumper - they need to know what he's done before that shift happens and you become the bad guy who "wouldn't give him a chance after he was drink driving, even though he says he'll do anything and he's so sad".

You gave him chances. He took you for a mug and ruined them. Show him you won't be a mug anymore.

He will have done coke in the house before. Your children's house. Your house. He'll have hidden drink before. In your house. In your children's house. Someone who goes to get it during a pandemic makes sure they have access to it. He drove drunk with them. Imagine if they found the coke. Took some. It was stashed in the car. Imagine the found it. Took some.

Protect your children, tell you SIL and continue planning to get out. You can do it

Following and wishing u well.

... & he got back when?
By how much did the half hour become?

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme I do not doubt you.

I doubt him as he has such form.
Seemingly, until now his drinking is visible.
Not for a moment do I think that he has not got small stashes of alcohol in useful places so that he can top up as he goes about his daily business. A quick ‘snifter’ in the pub as he walks round to pick something up & is back in good time, maybe a lager he sips as he walks the dog or pushes a trolley round the garden centre, maybe a small bottle of vodka tucked away in the bathroom or garage.

So, I suggest you get on with getting out of this situation as he is going to his own thing for himself. Don’t waste your time anymore.

He is laying this at everyone else’s doorstep so to speak. He will never get sober for anyone but himself and sometimes people do need to hit rock bottom before they can come up.
He is a grown man and he is responsible for his wellbeing, both mental and physical. He is minimising what he has done both to you and to his sister, he isn’t being held accountable for his actions and if he was truly looking to change he would be owning up to his mistakes, he would be calling AA and taking any necessary steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again. He obviously thinks what he did was minor as he’s done it before and said things are only like this because he got caught!

As someone else said, your liability depends on your rental agreement but it’s important that you get your financial stuff in order such as changing bank accounts with whoever pays into the joint account. Getting someone else off a joint account is a faff, especially if both people aren’t mutually in agreement to a separation

De-lurking to let you know I think you are amazing. This time next year you will be able to look back with relief, knowing you have put yourself and your kids in a safe home, surrounded by positive love.

Dear OP

You must be feeling crushed by everything you need to do, so much of it without him knowing, watching to see when he falls off the wagon and all the practicalities of disentangling yourself from your current home and finding/moving somewhere else.

You are doing so well with all this on your shoulders but you CAN do this - focus on each step and try not to get overwhelmed by the full 360degree of tasks you need to manage. And thank goodness you have support now.

Did you manage to set up a separate bank account your husband cannot access- and get your salary paid into it instead of any joint account you currently share? You will know what the payroll cut off date of your company is to allow that to happen in good time.

Also: agree with the PP who said:

it’s important that you get your financial stuff in order such as changing bank accounts with whoever pays into the joint account. Getting someone else off a joint account is a faff, especially if both people aren’t mutually in agreement to a separation

Perhaps consider transferring half of what's in the joint account into your new personal account? I've read several threads on MN where the partner being left has cleared out the joint account, making life so much more difficult for the person leaving. Good luck my dear.

He only does coke when he has had a drink

Coke and alcohol are a marriage made in heaven. I went through a few years of drinking heavily and taking coke (over 30 years ago now, I'm glad to say).

When you feel rather more pissed than you'd ideally like, a toot will sober you up somewhat, when you feel wired from too much coke, a drink will take the edge off. You end up doing too much of one, then too much of the other and see-sawing between the two. Add a few joints to help you chill and before you know it, you've got what the professionals call "a poly-drug use and alcohol problem".

It's much harder to deal with multiple dependency than a single one. Everything you take makes you more likely to give in and have something else. I have 2 friends who are both recovering from cocaine dependency and alcholism, one is 25 years clean and dry, the other 28 years. They both used AA and NA, had intensive counselling and psychotherapy and have subsequently qualified as counsellors themselves.

Knowing what I know, and having worked with clients with addiction issues, I would have been long gone by now, @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme. I'm so glad you've decided to leave.

eyebrows you mentioned earlier that your tenancy agreement is somewhat unofficial and you didn't have to give a deposit...I am wondering if more knowlegeable PPs can comment on how much protection that offers or if there is a 'de facto' element you need to be aware of that could allow the landlord to pursue you for damages. I am concerned what havoc your husband might wreak both with payments and damage to the property. It's so hard when the LL is a friend and therefore may be supportive, because often when it comes down to money all but the closest friends will revert to the financial relationship.

Thank you all so much for posting - he has just taken the DDog out and is in tears. We tried a discussion that got a bit heated at times. On my head I am already mentally checking out - I have never come this far down the line before . Been close many times but not like this. He has suddenly realised that he is losing me - has asked if he told everyone would it make a difference? If he had not been caught would this week not have been the best week ever with no alcohol? Can I not see that he has changed - but he is not an alcoholic - unhealthy relationship with alcohol yes but not an alcoholic. He hasn't hidden any drugs or alcohol from me this week or ever. He doesn't need AA as he knows he can do this and he is different to others. How can I not see the hope for the future ? And despite everything everyone has said on here - despite how unhappy I was before lockdown let alone after - I realise I have never told him how unhappy I was. Never confronted him , held him to account . Just brushed it all under the rlcarpey , muddled on with our normal. We have been together 13 years and he is saying it will never be like it was before. And when it's your DH saying that and you think of your kids it is ...something but an not sure what. I feel quite numb - part of me wants to call my leaving off. I want out but now I am all a bit tied up in knots. I don't expect you all to tell me what to do - you have all been so kind and supportive to my wobbles and going on and on but am at the point where I have to push on and have to be sure as it is clearly going to hurt him .

You’ve wasted 13 years on this I wasted 16 on my ex, oh the old if I hadn’t had a drink things would be ok this week, year right, it’s anyone’s fault but his, oh he’s different is he? That’s a new one he knows he’s losing his grip on you, please hang in there get ducks ready everything everyone else has said. He’ll never change. Do you want to be dreading your 25th in case he has a drink, your then adult children will have grown up with this, as they get older they’ll see the worry from you more and more. 💐💐💐💐💐🤗

am at the point where I have to push on and have to be sure as it is clearly going to hurt him .
Yes OP he will be hurt, but that will be the case whether you stay or go, surely? The difference is that if you stay and he reverts to his past and very recent behaviour the children will see his daily deterioration, as well as you. How will that affect them? How will you be able to cope with this deterioration in the same home?

It's obvious you care for him, but he's able to make decisions for himself. Your children cannot. I'm sorry you are going through such tough times OP.

Thank you both xx ❤️ his point is that he has changed it has changed him - it's a wake up call and I need to give him a chance. You are both right though I know xx thank you for posting x

So he can give it up with family support?
That is him giving himself permission to fail, because you were not supportive enough (or just plain left him)
He's not changed. He's putting on a performance. He will not be able to sustain this, and it's highly likely he has secret stashes all over, he is just careful not to let you see him drinking.
It is not that easy to give up alcohol with no support whatsoever.

When times are tight with furloughing and all that, he made a choice to drink himself daft and go out to get drugs. There was no thought for you or your children when he did this. He will do it again.

Good luck, OP. I hope it all works out for you.

Thank you x I know x will push on regardless x

It must be really hard to have a wobble and think about giving him a chance. My concern is that he still doesn’t seem to be admitting his addiction to either alcohol or coke. He must have really really need coke to drive over the limit.

It's Friday night OP. He will be feeling the absence of the usual drink with the neighbours. I think you know deep down it will just be a matter of time before he falls off the wagon again and I think that you suspect that somehow, it will be your fault. He will lay the blame for it on you. It could be an argument that comes out of nowhere and leaves you baffled and heartbroken but the real objective is to storm off, get pissed and blame you.
But I want you to remember. It's not your fault. Not one bit, not for a second. Not for the thing you did or didn't say, or the vibe off you or whatever he uses to transfer blame onto you. None of this -NONE - is on you. Just remember that.

I've been where you are now - with an abusive partner and stealthily planning my escape, and waiting for the tension to build, walking on eggshells until he picked a row over something banal to use as an excuse to kick off. I got my parents to clear out the house with me one day when he was working. I was all "oh I'll leave him the tin opener and the tv because even though I bought them he won't have one". My mum's a badass though and eyeballed me and hissed "We are leaving that fucker nothing belonging to you, ok??" and proceeded to hold up every single item in that apartment and demand who it belonged to to the point it became comical and had us in fits of nervous laughter. That's a memory that makes me smile still, 18 years on.

You will be ok. Right now you are in the eye of the storm and terrified and look at how well you are doing! It may not feel like it now but you'll look back and be so proud of you.

Halestorm - yes exactly x your mum does indeed sound badass ! Good on her and good on you ! I feel very emotional this eve underneath and I am guessing this would be normal from what you and a few PP have said from experience. I have to be prepared for wobbles I think - will keep on x thank you xx

Think of it this way.

You being upset, you being unhappy, you feeling lonely, your kids potentially being in a crash, him losing his job and not being able to pay bills, him having a criminal record which will impact him being able to get another job to pay bills, him being a dick to you when he's drunk... NONE of that was enough for him to change his behaviour. NONE of you were enough to motivate him.

But when you say enough is enough and he realises HE might be lonely and unhappy and have no soft landing... THEN suddenly he wants to change and expects you to fall for it.

OP, you sound lovely. Don't be a mug.

OP, I posted earlier about a man local to me who made the front page of the local paper for drink driving. He was advised by his solicitor to join AA immediately and tell the court he had been attending regular meetings in order to reduce his sentence. He did so. Everyone locally knew what had happened, which meant that if he went to the pub in the village everyone saw. This put pressure on him to stay sober, at least in public.
If your OH is serious, he needs to tell people the truth, including your children, because they will find out. He needs to go to AA for support, and/or the GP for treatment.
If you are wobbling, remember that if he is serious, if he really intends to stop drugs and drink, he can do so for a decent period of time (eg a year) and then you could start over again, dating first, when he can prove to you that he deserves to be around you and your kids.
Odds are he will be drinking again in a week or so and it will be all your fault for not supporting him enough/not believing in him/looking at him the wrong way.
Your life will improve massively without him, stay strong.

Back seats - that is a really good way of looking at the whole situation. We were not enough for him for whatever reason . I believe he means it and I believe he completely believes that he has it together and was dependant on alcohol and now isn't. But I can't go with him on that. It's a good viewpoint thank you xx

Thank you mother of terrier - that sounds like it was a huge community effort ! I wonder if it worked for that man? I hope so XX
I will do this - I fully intend to leave and start afresh with my babies away from this mess. As for going a year - nothing to lose but in all honesty I can already tell you that if after a year we reconciled I would feel I had disappointed everyone who has and will be helping me . I am focussed and fingers crossed a house comes up soon xx

Meant to say thank you x