Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

Hang in there, if you can’t eat much then eat banana 🍌, oh the old it’s not that bad routine my ex used to do that, as for your boss saying she’s glad you’ve told her, she knew you’ll be surprised how many will say that, you’ll have loads of support, hugs 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

OP, you are doing all the right things, and I take my hat off to you for your courage and composure.

Thank goodness that you have the RL support of your friend and your boss. You've got the beginnings of a strategy now and things will start to fall into place. Lockdown easing a bit more will help.

I'm wishing you all the strength you need to carry this through and I absolutely know that this is the best move for you and your children. There will be wobbly moments, even wobbly days, but this will be such a positive change for you. Just keep on believing that, and know that all of us are supporting you, even if only in spirit.

Take care.

Thank you everyone xx I feel so buoyed up by you all xx thank you from the bottome of my heart xx

I’ve name changed but been supporting throughout. Op - you know you’re going to be someone who says “lockdown was the best thing that ever happened to me”.

Know you can’t see it now - but I think there’s a far happier future out there for you

I am so glad you are able to put you, DC and DDog first and not be deceived by his act.

Stay strong

Just think of all the energy you’ve been putting in to holding all of this together and what you’ll do with it once you’re free of him.

I’ve just read through the thread and the bit that has stuck with me was that he went out to get more alcohol without saying anything to you. Didn’t ask you or the kids if you wanted anything, nothing. That is a man who’s primary relationship is with alcohol.

You work hard but have little money, and he drinks often and plenty.

I am so hoping for the best for you and your DC’s, you deserve so much better. Your friend and your boss clearly think so too.

All so true Fanthorpe

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme you are doing so well, I am in awe of everything you have managed to accomplish under such stress. You have really put a smile on my face seeing things going in the right direction for you all.

As for your DH's butter wouldn't melt performance, continue to ignore it. If it provides a lull to get things organised, then good. But it is denial and manipulation as you know better than anyone. A person who minimises a drink driving offence is not a person who is doing what it takes to confront and battle their addiction. As for drinking because your marriage is so hard, I literally cannot eye roll enough at that without injuring myself! I'd have been tempted to reply, 'oh really? Funny, I always thought one of the reasons our marriage is so hard is that you are an alcoholic'.

I genuinely hope your husband can improve himself and have a better future, esp for the sake of your DC and all road users. But, the thing that is really cheering here is the better future you are creating for you, dc, and of course ddog as pp said. Cheering you on!

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme - you're doing really really well!
Yes, I can understand that you feel like a traitor but remember, that's EXACTLY what he wants you to feel, because he's "trying".
As soon as he feels that you're sucked back in properly, trying will go out the window and he'll go back to his old ways.
His downplaying of the drink driving charge shows that. His decision that he's now in control of his drinking shows that.

If he'd shown proper contrition, embarrassment, horror at what happened and could have happened, then maybe there'd be some hope - but from what you're saying, none of that happened, he's just trying to paper over it and pretend it was a tiny thing and you shouldn't be upset about it.

Keep going - and yes, if your boss has said to you that she's known the situation for a long while, then you can bet your life that many more of your friends also have known and will be happy for you that you're managing to get away. Well done on biting the bullet and telling her, she sounds really supportive and amazing.

Keep on keeping on - you're taking great strides to a more comfortable future for you and your children

it's like he has spun doctored it into being a good fresh start and he is going to have a least a year free of drink.

This stood out to me from one of your posts. This means he is already planning when he can drink again. A recovering alcoholic can't drink ever again without the huge chance of a relapse.

She also actually said she was relieved for my sake as she always knew but felt helpless to say anything. How many people that I know are going to say this once it all comes out I wonder ?!

^ @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme -

I think you'll find you have lots if RL supporters who, like your friend & boss, will not be overly surprised when you tell them. Your boss sounds great, your friend is ready to help...you have support. Don't lose courage. You know the pattern with OH...too well unfortunately... you know he can't sustain it. I can imagine how headwrecking it is for you, him behaving like something bad didn't happen ....or if it did it is not that bad.. or, ok if it is bad it only looks that way really to other ppl (if they knew, if we told them) because they would think (and maybe say, which would be v v uncomfortable for me) that ppl who DD have a problem with alcohol & need help..but we, you & me, know I'm not one of them. I am better than them. They have no self control. Look at me, I have self control, I can stop. Look at me being wonderful & stopping. And, hey presto, I just won't drink & I can magic it away ( but I probably don't need to stop all the time really because I've proved I have control now... just sayin'). Why are you dwelling on negatives (& the past!) when I'vd magic'ed it away & we can live on a fluffy pink cloud.

OP, the energy it must drain from you trying to deal with it. Imagine not having to... reclaiming all that energy to throw into yours & your children's lives.

Power on OP, look for your house & tell us when you have found it. If I knew what city, I'd be trawling the rentals for you myself.
Keep looking & stay posting..

Hey OP, I just wanted to add my own comments to the many which are saying you are doing the right thing by leaving. You need to get out even if it’s for the sake of the kids. He has driven with them whilst being over the limit, this is another step too far. Drunk driving is a choice which he makes each time he does it, I’m not saying I’m a saint or anything but we really do have a 0 alcohol limit. If we have any alcohol, regardless of being within the limit or not, we simply do not drive after.

I asked them in a no pressured chatty way who they would rather live with if they had to choose and they both independently of each other said dh
I’m not sure how old your kids are but I was asked the same thing as a 10 year old when my mum left the family home and I chose to stay with my exceeding violent father who was also mentally abusive. Sometimes kids will just stay with what they know because it is ‘safe’. To be honest, depending on their ages I wouldn’t even give them the option of staying.

At the moment your DH has no reason for change, yes he’s stopped drinking for a couple of days but it’s not sustainable. He’s already shown that he doesn’t care what you think by not contacting AA like you asked.

As others have said, this will likely hit the local news. Pre lockdown I used to read the local news and look at the court section and sometimes would stumble across someone I knew for drink driving.

On a practical level, you’ll need to get yourself off the tenancy agreement for your current place so you can’t be held for any future money owed when your DH stops paying the rent.

Good luck OP, I know it’s not easy but it is very doable

Gosh thank you everyone - he has actually popped out for half an hour this morning which is so rare so I have read your lovely posts. So many of you have been there and posted things which , to me , have huge resonance . It's like you can see into my life. And read his thought patterns. We are on day 6 of no alcohol - so far so good. He seems very determined - but we had a whole half an hour video call with his mum yesterday and he did not say a dickie bird. I have to keep telling myself this is the 'up' part - the fluffy cloud. SionnachGlic-nailed that thought process - it's so exhausting but I am focussed. I have three trusted ppl in real life to talk when I need to and I have you guys to help me if I am having a wobble x pray that I can find somewhere before he falls off the wagon x will keep posting if that is ok ? Thank you all xx and thumbs - exactly . There is little or no contrition there already - that is they key as you and lots of pp have pointed out , I don't see a fundamental change in his attitude - just a transient stab at tee totalism . And that means to me that there is no hope for our marriage.

Sorry meant to say thank you for the practical tips also Trollfairy. My second job (temp) have because of lockdown pays into my own account as before all my earnings went into DH account. Therefore he is the lead tenant on the agreement we have - All the bills will be paid this month however he will absolutely not be able to afford this place on his own , so do you know if I would be liable ? If it's relevant the LL is a golfing acquaintance of DH .

Just seen this OP.
What a nightmare for you.
You are doing so well though.
Quietly planning.

I do hope you get out and get some peace and quiet in your life.
It's sounds bloody exhausting right now but you will come out the other side.
Keep strong.

Also - apologies meant to say that it turns out the reason he was pulled in the next town over ( we live 5 mins walk from a shop ) is that he had gone to get cocaine and the dealer was too drunk to drop it over. :( So when he was arrested he had two wraps of cocaine in his pocket. Weirdly they did not search him or watch him that closely so he said he managed to squirrel it between the seats of the police car undetected. What the hell ??? It's a moot point now anyway and does not change anything . But it's another thing . He is bloody lucky they did not find it. That just reinforced everything more for me anyway- I knew he does it but usually down the pub with his mates so don't know how much he has done since lockdown . Anyway there you go x

It’s understandable that you’re worrying about his future but he’s a grown up who has to take responsibility for himself. By taking care of him in this way you’re enabling him to lead the life he chooses, he can find solutions himself if he chooses. It sounds so harsh, I know.

Oh god, he’s buying coke? And you’re worrying about him covering his rent? I feel furious with him for doing this to you and your DC’s.

Yes - and I suppose I was sort of complicit in that as I knew but did not act before. O can completely see we need to go - it's only relevant really 1) because he is very very lucky he is not being charged with that too and 2) it's not normal and it's not normal for the children and he needs help whether he knows it or not .
It only motivated me more . he is a grown up . And Icant come back from this. Will keep going xx thank you xx

I have nothing to add to the advice you have already received, but good luck 💐. You sound like you have the strength to do this.

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme, I used to be a housing support worker, so know some of the basics.

If you have a joint tenancy, I'm 99% certain that you are "jointly and severally" liable, ie the LL can come after either of you or both of you for any debt.

Have you got a fixed term tenancy, ie reviewed every year or whatever the period is, or has the LL just let it run on without renewing it (known as a periodic tenancy)?

If it's a periodic tenancy, either of you can terminate it by giving the required notice. So, when you're ready to go, giving notice to the LL will end the tenancy and your liability for any rent or other charges after the notice period has ended. You won't be responsible for any rent debt he accrues by remaining in the property.

However, if the LL is a golfing buddy, it might be an idea to explain that you don't know if DH will want to remain there as a sole tenant, so that he gets the chance to stay there if he wants to. I'd do that in a separate letter, to keep that a totally separate matter.

In terms of timing, I'd suggest not giving notice until you're ready to move, to avoid any unpleasantness between DH finding out and you actually moving.

Fixed term tenancies are a bit more tricky. It depends on whether it includes a "break clause", which gives you the right to end it early. If so, you can give notice but the notice period can vary and the clause may say that notice can only be given after a certain point in the term. In that case, you need to try and time your move after that date.

If it doesn't have a "break clause", then you are jointly and severally liable for the rent for the remainder of the term of the tenancy. In an ideal world, you'd synchronise leaving as close as possible to the date that the current tenancy ends.

There's probably someone on here who's a housing specialist who can help, but if not I'd be happy to take a look at the tenancy agreement.

’... - he has actually popped out for half an hour this morning which is so rare ...

Popped out to get alcohol.

I’d be very suspicious about why he has popped out for half an hour today.

He has gone to pick up an old bike from his sister to fix so we can go on a bike ride. It's about and should be back in a tick so am pretty sure it's not alcohol this time. He phoned me as he left to tell me that he has told his sister . ( There is only his sister and his mum in the family) so he has finally told someone. However , he did not mention the true extent or about the coke . He told her what he has told me , platitudes - he is going to get help but he is entirely confident he can do it with family support. He said it was a blip etc etc whereas I know the true extent obviously. After he hung up I called her - and very gently told her that o love her very much and whatever happens I will never lose touch with her but I cannot promise I can weather this storm . I was really careful not to upset her but I didn't want her only hearing his side , similar ly I didn't want to wade in and tell her everything as that would not be fair. I just wanted her to know , and not to assume we will survive this x she was absolutely lovely and understanding as she is an amazing woman . Thank you lakielady - it's not a periodic tenancy so will plan to follow your advice regarding notice etc. Thank you so much for clarifying that XX

I personally really, really think you should tell his sister that he is a cocaine user, had that night driven drunk to get cocaine from his dealer - who has presumably been in contact with lots of people unlikely to prioritise safety in a global pandemic. He has also previously driven when well over the alcohol limit with your children in the car on a number of occasions.

For me, these reasons stop any break up being about "an incident" they show clearly he has displayed a pattern of behaviour over years and put your children at risk. And risked a prison sentence and criminal record. And risked his job.

She will then understand, whatever he has told her, whenever you choose to leave, how inexcusable, indefensible and repeated his behaviour is.

Please do this. She sounds lovely, you sound lovely. It's important that she knows the full picture in my opinion as she will otherwise potentially keep trying to persuade you to stay which will tug at your heartstrings. She is less likely do that if she knows the above.

So it IS fair to tell her. And it is RIGHT to tell her.

Your loyalty is to you. And to your children.

FFS! Stop. Being. Loyal. To. Him. When. You. Don't. Need. To. Be.

He will have bought alcohol today. He will hide it cleverly. He might even have hidden it outside to grab later when you aren't looking. Potentially coke too.

Ok backseat - I know you are right. I can't tell her yet. She is lovely but of course her loyalty to both me and her brother is going to be tested and so I will have to wait until we have gone. I feel like I have finally got clear vision but I need to manage and compartmentalise otherwise I simply cannot pull it all off. As pp said I can see where I want to be. Thank you - you are right backseat I know x Friday is the night where he will pop around the neighbours front garden for a drink so we will see . He only does coke when he has had a drink. They go hand in hand for him I think . I am a little apprehensive but at the same time it is highly likely he can weather this weekend the buoyant mood he is in . We will see xx