Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

Morning XX I cannot believe the posts on here since I posted last night. I have not been sleeping too well and have woken up with a wobble because of exactly what you are all saying - thank you so much for taking the time to post. I feel like the last few posts are holding me up - I am living in this series parallel world ATM. It's like you all can actually see me - and him. Last night I was feeling terribly disloyal and wishing I had not told my best friend and perhaps I could justake it all go away - these tactics he is employing ( he doesn't know he is doing it I don't think consciously but he is ) you are all absolutely spot on . I am wobbling because it's all so overwhelming. I wake up this morning and I can feel what you are all saying to me and I know you are right. I know this is just a discussion board but this is genuinely my life and I need you all and your calm Ness and support. Thank you Inkpaperstars,T humbWitchesAbroad, StellaDelMare, minmooch, rottiemum88, and Lobsterquadrille2.
My mission for today is to start to find somewhere to go as soon as is practical , and work backwards from that timeline in secret . As PP have suggested , I am also going to tell my boss - she is not a close friend but I have known her such a long time and I will need her support in a practical sense - she can flex my shifts around and perhaps ( if I can find somewhere quickly ) can decide to give me a couple of weeks off at short notice . That will be a huge step - no more secrets . I will talk to the children when everything is in place x will keep posting if it's not annoying people too much ? My MN account is on a different email to the family iPad so it's always been private thank goodness

SionnachGlic- absolutely fair and valid points. Thank you for holding that mirror up - I need all this input. I am procrastinatinh because I am bloody terrified. It's such a huge huge thing to contemplate. I have been to this point before once but get so bogged down with the practicalities and get so convinced it will be ok whilst in the pink fluffy cloud, I back down . I was already having wobbles and that's why I am on this thread every day . I don't feel like a strong woman. I feel hugely apprehensive. Today I have my list and my resolve is set.

OP,

I don't like to come across harsh & mirror-holding... but you need support in the form of a push in the right direction amidst this fluffy cloud phase & wavering indecision.

Please tell your Boss today, that workplace support will be invaluable over the coming weeks. Don't back down now... keep posting.. & I am looking forward to cheering you on to a better & brighter future. You go, girl...literally..

I know - you are right and I need you ! I have to come out the bathroom now - but will post later xx thank you

He can tell people what he wants. I'd be truthful - and make it clear that he lost his license due to drunk driving.

The fact that he's not willing to even own up to what he's done, speaks volumes. It shows that he does know that he has a problem with alcohol, but that he doesn't plan to stop drinking. That's why he doesn't want people to know - because they would judge him for carrying on drinking to excess and it would be clear to them that he's an alcoholic.

Our local paper also reports on magistrates cases - including driving bans. A drunk driver smashed into my car a few years ago. Fortunately not at high speed. It was clear at the scene that he was drunk. I'd been keeping an eye on the paper and it was eventually reported, along with a photo, that he'd been done for DD - plus we had a letter afterwards from the police to confirm it.

A leaflet I picked up years ago was called “You can afford to leave”. Very out of date as things have changed, but it shows how we are stopped from leaving because we think we can’t afford to. My ex was so proud of stopping my benefits as he thought it would bring me back. Thankfully my refuge helped me to see someone from the DSS who got things started again.

He's got more spin than Dominic Cummings, trying to turn on the 'ever so humble act'. Do not fall for it. I agree with others about getting him to move out. Make it sound temporary if needs be. Tell him that if he doesn't leave, you will and that, that will be harder on the kids.
Also, it shouldn't just be on your head to explain his actions to the kids. Make him sit down with you and explain what he has done. He's not signed up to AA, he doesn't appear to have spoken to his boss/the company that he works for about retaining his £100k job. He could employ his own driver for £30k a year and still bring home £70k. He's using this as an opportunity to take a lower paid easier job closer to home, which is what he wanted all along, rather than admit what he has done. And he's already planning a cover up story. This is a man who seems to lack any accountability! Has he even taken steps to contact his GP over his personality disorder? He's minimising everything. Stay strong. Tell people around you. Feel no guilt. Focus on doing the right thing for your children.

Dearest OP

"I don't feel like a strong woman".

The fact that you are asking for support makes you strong.

Feeling vulnerable makes you strong.

Putting your children's needs first makes you strong.

Confiding in your best friend, makes you strong.

Reaching out to your boss makes you strong.

Checking in daily with mumsnet, makes you strong.

Going through this difficult time as well as being in a global pandemic, makes you strong.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway, makes you strong.

Getting out of bed everyday, makes you strong.

Being in charge of your own finances makes you strong.

Having a wobble and not giving up, makes you strong.

Not knowing what is going to happen next makes you strong.

Just breathing, makes you strong.

Putting one step forward, makes you strong.

Self-care makes you strong.

Asking for help makes you strong.

You can do this.

You really can.

You are amazing and my goodness, you most definitely are a strong woman.

Take care of yourself.

❤️

So true @GratitudeGoddess well said

other pp are spot on hes keeping it secret so he can start up again and noone will know any different-well except your friend

he promised to get help and apart from spinning you lies about it he hsant done a single thing to help himself

Perfectly said @gratitudegoddess

We're all rooting for you, Mydog, all over the country, if not the globe.
Can that give you a bit of strength,too?
Wishing you and your DCs a calm, happy, stable future.
It's your for the taking.

Yes, hang in there mydog. Some days will be tougher than others, but you know what needs to happen. Keep your eye on that.

Yes to what grattitide said. Strong isn’t what people think it is.

How are you getting on?

Hi xx thank you for asking Tracyon x the last few posts of positivity and support were wonderful to read thank you all so much xx I am currently in this very very strange bubble wher DH has not drink alcohol for 4 days , has been nothing but nice. I was bolstered from this thread and put my plans into action. Have spoken to my boss ( also a good work colleague of 20 years ) and she is at the ready with time off when I need it , financial help and lending me her husband to help move things out when the time comes. She also actually said she was relieved for my sake as she always knew but felt helpless to say anything. How many people that I know are going to say this once it all comes out I wonder ?! Have spoken to tax credits , worked out budgets , sorted guarantors and now am just waiting for somewhere to go . I will be taking the children and the dog . DH is completely oblivious and I feel like an absolute traitor because he is being so nice. But he has not sought and legal advice or professional help . In fact he still has not told anyone at all. He keeps discussing our future , DIY jobs , holidays etc now he has 'sorted out'(his words) his dependency on alcohol. I cannot really eat properly as the low level stress of trying to keep all this up affects my appetite :( but I am ok , children are ok , dog is fine .I do wish I could click my feet and magic us out but I have to be patient. Around here there are approximately 4-5 families applying for every house so I have to be patient ! Thank you all I CANNOT do this without u XXX

You aren't a 'traitor'. You're a person who simply wants to live a peaceful, fulfilling life. You are being TRUE to yourself.

He isn't 'being nice'. He's gaslighting you with self-serving fake 'niceness'. Trust me, he's counting the days until you've 'forgotten' what just happened so he can start drinking again. He's also watching you and hoping that you do something 'wrong' so he can justify a return to alcohol.

If he was serious about changing and was committed to sobriety, he'd have seen his GP, been to some AA meetings, and engaged a counselor to help him work through why he chooses to drink and to abuse his family.

Ok I understand what you mean - I do feel like he is doing this to prove to me he does not have a problem as he can control it and not drink if he has to . I feel like he is just carrying on as normal but I am hanging on . He almost has minimised the DD charge to almost dismissing it. It's so weird I feel rather mixed up but am ok x

Across - you are right also on that I have an underlying sense that it is only a matter of time til he loses his cool and gets stressed with me or the kids and has a drink . He has said in the past on a few occasions that he drinks because our marriage is so hard. and that is why I have to put on the act of my life- and that is why it is a difficult walk right now.

It is a difficult walk, I agree! But remember that now you are walking for your freedom, not simply out of fear of his drinking and behavior. You are walking for YOU and your children.

Just remember the wise words of Christopher Robin: “You are Braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, and Smarter than you think.”

Just to echo what @AcrossthePond55 has said, OP. Your husband drinks because he wants to, not because of anything that you or anyone else in the world has said or done. If he pretends it's that he's miserable, or needs it to feel less low etc - it's just an excuse. Normal people don't use the bottle as a "go to" in any situation. If he was serious about admitting that he has a problem - and this is the ideal time - then he would have sought help. There are Zoom meetings everywhere, so it's even easier to access one than actually getting directions and going to one.

Stay strong, keep going.

I will , I promise . Will be checking in on here and updating x thank you so much xx and also to gratitudegoddess x that made me cry xx thank u all xx

Oh dear.. the nice phase and pretending nothing bad really happened and you’re so unfair/ nuts/ blah blah.. Believe me it’s a phase ..for as long as he needs until you soften to him again. It’s uncanny how similar a script they follow..can you tell I’ve a really similar story? Just know he WILL be back drinking (oh and that’ll be your fault).. Tell more people.Make it real and not just in your head..People will tell you they’re not surprised and they will be glad to finally help!

Cheering so hard for you OP!!

Perfectly said, @Lobsterquadrille2 !!!!