Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

If the children seem happy enough at the moment then don't say anything at least until you have some sort of plan in place. You don't want to unsettle them before you have an exit sorted, and they might give away your plans.

But, you know, I think you'll find that they will be much happier once you do finally get out. This is their normal too, they are used to treading on eggshells. They will be able to relax and breathe for the first time. Hold that thought in your mind.

He is spinning it because he knows damn well he's probably pushed you too far and he's desperately trying to get you back o side or at least off balance. You say first day back at work, I take it he didn't tell his work what happened over the weekend ?? 😳

He is living a massive lie.
He lies to himself & to everyone around him.
Actually his self-loathing is fathoms deep.
He needs you & everyone around him to allow him to carrying on lying.
Because to face the lie is too much.

...until he lands in a place where the lies now longer work.

So, stop pretending to yourself at least that you believe the Big Lie that it is all OK enough - the truth is that he is firmly in the grip of alcoholism. He is no longer in control of this.

How & when you act to cut through the pretence is up to you.
Your children are already affected & do ‘know’.
People who care about you already know, & have seen through the pretences.

No he is furloughed until 1st August at the earliest . But as he will lose his licence he will almost certainly lose his job as he needs to be able to drive to do it. He has so far told noone and plans to eventually tell people he lost it through speeding as it's less stigma .
I hope the children are ok - lockdown has been hard enough for them . I will get everything ready and when we need to leave we will .

‘ Does anyone have any ideas how o can tell children ? 17, 10 and 6. They all think he is amazing of course . sad’

Really think that he is amazing?
What happens when they voice disappointment or anger at his behaviours? Most kids rub their parents up the wrong way at times & expressing dissatisfaction with The Parents is natural. Are you kids OK to dissent from the party line?

Your teen may find AlAnon supportive as they have an AlaTeen (?) service.

There is no less stigma to speeding than DD.
He is lying to himself.
Do not join in with this lie.

Universal - currentlymy intention is to carry on the pretence with everyone until I can get it all organised. Needs must - it's a huge thing to decide to do and I have to get it right so it is the most minimum disruption possible x

Hi there. I haven’t read your previous threads but he is sounding very typical of an abuser. Please don’t kick yourself for doing nothing before. Please, if you haven’t yet, look up the freedom programme. Its the cycle of abuse. Now he knows you want to break free he’s gone into the honeymoon period.

Telling people he lost his licence for speeding won’t work, it will be in the local press. Tbh I think you should tell people. Keeping it quiet deprives you of support and let’s him pretend everything is ok

Motherofterriers - what do you mean it will be in the local press ??? Will it really ??

Fenland thank you I will look into that x I have the Lundy Bancroft book someone on MN suggested I read years ago , and. That helps a little x I will look up the freedom program too xx

You will be able to explain more to the children in the future but expect they sense more of the truth than your realise. I agree with aunt that when kids feel unconditionally loved by a stable parent they don't always express the feeling that the parent is amazing or idolise them, they actually feel secure enough to be negative sometimes. That's normal. Being overly positive or idolising a parent all the time can be a sign of insecurity in the relationship.

Good luck with making arrangements, it sounds so stressful walking on eggshells, it speaks volumes about how bad things are.

A local man here lost his licence for drink driving and the court case was reported in the local paper with his photo on the front page. It probably depends how much local news there is that day, but court proceedings are reported by journalists. Perhaps something to discuss with his solicitor. It would be better for your children to hear an honest account from their father than to find out from other kids at school. Maybe it depends where you live, we are pretty rural so the local mans case was big news here.

Inkpaper - that is a very interesting way of looking at the children and how they are DH I have never contemplated that dynamic before . A few months ago when things were difficult before lockdown I asked them in a no pressured chatty way who they would rather live with if they had to choose and they both independently of each other said dh. I was crushed but I think I sort of realise that I am a highly strung stressed version of myself and to them he is more fun most of the time . I have so much stuff I need to sort through - thank you xxx

Ok thank you motherof terriers XXX

Don't worry, you're the one holding things together for them and I am sure deep down they know which parent they feel safe with.

So now he's feeling very buoyant and as though his drink driving charge was actually a good thing because it's helped him stop?
Nope.
Delusional.
He'll maybe last a week? and then he'll have "just the one" because it's the weekend, or he's had a stressful day or something, any little thing will be the excuse.
And then he'll keep going and soon enough he'll be right back where he was last week again.

Your children probably know more than you think. Talk to them about it - in general terms - and see what they know.

I have just read through this thread and although I have no practical advice I just wanted to drop in.

Alcoholics (like my own dad) always say that they aren't alcoholics, and I've heard the 'I'm in control' line a million times! Please do not let him suck you in with that line! No matter how good things might be now, with drink, it will always start creeping back in and he will be more secretive about drinking than ever.

I also just wanted to say a massive well done to you. I know I don't know you but you are taking the steps I wish my own mother would have taken for me and my sister growing up and I feel so proud of you for doing this. For years I experienced a bad atmosphere with my dads drinking that often lead to anxiety and panic attacks the more I became aware of the situation. After almost 30 years of marriage, my mother sought happiness from another man and you can imagine how that went down! If only she would have took control of the situation many years earlier for the sake of everyone in the family's happiness.

So yes, nothing really practical from me, just wanted to post my admiration for you for being a strong woman!

Please tell somebody else other than just your friend. Tell them to keep it to themselves for the time being but you need the support of others. Others who can be called on in an emergency without explanation.

Do not play his game of hiding his DD and his alcohol dependency. He will minimise it, make you question yourself, was it really that bad? If no one else knows it can't be that bad? He'll spin it round and round until you don't know which way your facing.

Own your part in this, allowing him to drive your kids whilst drunk. That is what he has done probably more than once. It is only luck they have not being injured due to his arrogance, stupidity. Own it and get angry. Use this anger to find your way out of this. How fucking dare he put you in this position, how dare he risk the lives of his kids, how dare he risk others lives. Not to mention he will lose his job. What a Prince hey?

And your kids will not be oblivious. Kids see and know most of what goes on. He's suddenly feeling great? Pretending to be bestDad and husband ever? They'll notice. As you have felt anxious, they have too. As you feel he is easier to handle with a few drinks in him, they will know this too. As you are walking on eggshells, so are they. It's your norm so you are probably not aware of it. Like it was not a surprise to your friend it will not be a surprise to your 17 year old at least. You tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. That their father has a drink problem
and needs to sort it out.

This man needs to take responsibility for what he has done. He is an alcoholic and it is now so bad that he has lost his job over it. It is that bad. It is only luck that he has not caused injury to himself or others.

Until he takes responsibility for his own actions then it's all just lies. Lies lies lies. He will lie to you, to his kids, tohisfamily, to his work, to his friends. He will cover it all up and include you in this coverup.

You cannot fix him. He has to do this for himself.

You can leave him, even though you are working and need childcare. Do not leave the kids with him until he is sober. And sober is not just 3 days of non drinking. You cannot trust him to not get behind that wheel with them in the car.

This is why you need to tell others. So you can get your support network in place. To call on others to help with childcare in an emergency, or whilst you try and find other care.

You can do this. No more covering up for him. Protect yourself and your kids.

I agree with thumbwitch - his buzz won’t last. He’s desperately trying to claw some positivity from recent events, which is good...but it’s a long road ahead of him and I don’t think it has all quite sunk in yet.

I don’t suppose many people will believe his ‘speeding’ story either if anyone knows how much he likes a drink or that he’s been caught drink driving before. It’ll be ‘speeding’ in inverted commas for everyone while doing the silent ‘drinky’ motion with the hand.

He has so far told noone and plans to eventually tell people he lost it through speeding

It's very unlikely anyone will believe this. I work for a company that also employs drivers in various roles and have seen countless instances of the company having to write letters to the court to help these individuals keep their licenses after a build up of speeding points, which would otherwise result in a ban. I've never seen a case yet where we did that and the court didn't take it into consideration, because driving was their livelihood and speeding is (supposedly) not that serious an offence. Drink driving on the other hand will always be a ban

Hi OP, I have read the whole thread and I really feel for you. Your husband's optimism at the moment is referred to as the "pink fluffy cloud" in the early days of sobriety where you genuinely believe that everything will be ok. It's always short lived if your drinking career has spanned years or decades.

An alcoholic - and he sounds like one - can only be truly honest and be supported in recovery by other alcoholics. That's my opinion and experience. I could manage weeks and months without a drink, congratulate myself, convince myself that it was a mere blip, that drinking spell, and that one drink wouldn't hurt. Then the whole insidious cycle starts over again. I've been in AA for 12 years.

Alcoholics lie and cheat and steal; the theft is other people's peace of mind. Nobody is responsible for his drinking except for him. Until he accepts that, and that he can never drink again (not just for a year!) he isn't being honest. We are also highly skilled at manipulation as he seems to be demonstrating.

I would urge you to detach emotionally. He shouldn't be using you as a support in this, because (happily for you) you don't know the lengths of deceit that we are prepared to sink to.

And his case won't necessarily be reported in the local press but I could be - as a PP said, it depends on the local news at the time of his court case.

OP,

From your old threads I understand you had been a long way down the road innthe thought process & planning the how & when to leave. The possible issues around finance & childcare are only coming into your mind now? I understand that the strategy is more delicate during lockdown where he is always around...but you had your friend offer her support when you were going to speak to her...about being a guarantor I thought?

You don't need to foresee every little aspect. You need to have somewhere to go & take what stuff you absolutely need for a few days. Then arrange a return with a friend/family member to do a more orderly pick up of the rest.

Have you looked yet to see what is available & suitable to rent?

I think you wre prevaricating, making excuses, waiting (yet again) & hoping that he'll improve & you can pretend it didn't happen & stay. Talk to your 17 yr old alone...s/he might surprise you as to how much more aware s/he is thsn you think. The others will probably initially look to him/her for their lead. But you are not asking...you are making a decision on their best interests & you are in control. It might be bumpy but will get better.

And as for the DD...you knew he'd done it before & had your kids with him after up to 4/5 drinks. Really... he might be doing all the drinking but he is not the only one putting his kids in harm's way if you know & do absolutely nothing except have a few cross words.

Stop looking at him thinking he could be 'his old self'. Leave before your next post is even worse. Find a house, ask your friend to go guarantor or family to help in the short term, pack the main things & get going...if that is what you want to do otger than keep posting on here about who said what & how it seems all normal again & how you are second guessing yourself...

Stoo thinking & making plans & take action.
And don't collude with his BS...tell people abt his drinking, tell them he has endangered your children by driving with them under the influence, tell them he has been arrested & charged, tell them he is an alcoholic in denial, tell them about all the times you wanted to leave but couldn't (wouldn't) and now you & your kids need their help. Were you my friend in RL, I'd be offering you my spare rooms, saying its not much but its yours until you get finances etc sorted....but I have a feeling I'd be hearing more excuses & reasons not to leave. At which point I would be saying that I am still your friend, still love & support you but I don't want to hear anything more about this a$$hole & what he did/said nexylt. The only other thing I want to know about your marriage is that you have left....