Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

It is hard as he is utterly charming like this of course.

Sorry posted too soon X thank you everyone- your messages help x

Sad dog
Angry bull
Disappointed
Blame
Anger
Charm
Blame
Deflection
Charm
Sad
Guilt
Shifting responsibility
Blame
Charm
Sad
Angry
Scared

I could write the book. Lovey it will not change unless he wants it to and by the sound of it, you have played second fiddle to his love of booze.
You deserve so much more and so do your kids.
Hasn't he got a friend/parent he can go to? He seems to have plenty of drinking friends.

AA is the place he needs if he’s willing to see he has a problem With drink and his life has become unmanageable.
Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics who’s life’s have become unmanageable.
I go to Alanon, being with people who get how you feel is so nice, I have friends and family who tried to help, but the rooms of Alanon is where I feel understood the most.
And AA for my husband has saved him. It’s been a long journey for both of us.
Detaching with love is what you need to do right now.
There are so many zoom meetings happening right now in lockdown, so you don’t even have the difficulty of leaving the house, getting babysitters etc.
Good luck xxxx

I wonder if anyone here has advice re rental leases. If you move out and you are still listed on the tenancy could you end up being liable for two rents, or not getting your deposit back if he trashes the place? I think you may be able to change the lease but hoping someone here knows.

Keep strong OP you have everything to play for.

Hi @Mydog
I remember other posts of yours, if I was you I'd be asking him to leave, he's out worn his welcome and this is just the final straw.
You have 3DC, you don't need this self absorbed man child.
He lurches from disaster to disaster slowly destroying you and your kids lives, you all deserve better.

Ross and pink thank you so much for your perspectives I hear you xx inkpaperstars -our current landlord is very laid back - we have no official tenancy agreement and no deposit. We have very little mney in the marital pot anyway but I will have to go full time anyway when DH loses his job. No idea how finances are going to work - going to research that tomorrow as I can't right now. He is supposed to be ringing a solicitor and contacting AA etc tomorrow so will do it then ..if he does. He is currently applying for jobs online right now as I write this - local ones that he won't need to drive for.

Totally understand that it's much harder to stick to your guns when he's being lovely and charming - but you have to remember that it's a Deliberate Tactic on his part to keep you chained to him.
It's all smoke and mirrors - he just wants you to fall back under the spell, just enough, so that he doesn't have to change anything and can carry on.

You have to see through the niceness and charm, and REMEMBER the walking on eggshells and the fear and anger - and most of all remember that his drinking will adversely affect your children as well as you.

I would have someone on standby when you tell him he has to go - maybe have your friend round - just in case he does lose it completely. Especially if you say "well if you won't go then we will" and he tries to stop you - you'll need the back up.

Get all the important documents together and out of the house before you suggest anyone leaves, so that he can't find them and destroy/hide them. Same with anything precious to you. And good luck.

Thank you thumb xx good thoughts. I don't think he does things in a calculated way it's complicated of course as addiction is I think. And thank you also otter xx will see what tomorrow brings xx

OP,

I have read some of your posts on your other threads. I am shocked that you have lasted this long with this guy. I know you know your own life & history together but can you read back your previous posts & allow yourself to be shocked. Don't read them with all the excuses for him ready to roll out. Read them in the cold light of day & be shocked. Your friend is not surprised at this latest turn of events..... and you sound surprised by that? She is seeing you live the life of the person writing those posts.

I'm guessing your friends & family, who are aware of how your life is with your OH, are hoping & wishing & praying you will see the light & leave.

And they likely don't know the half of it.

Your OH makes excuses for his poor choices/ behaviour & you empathise with his anxiety/addiction/whatever is today's problem to the point that he can manipulate & use you.

Don't be so passive about your own life & always waiting 'see what tomorrow brings' so you have more days, weeks, months, years of the same cycle of crap from this guy.

He is a drunk who can' t keep a job (he jacked one in before for a variety of reasons plus it was stressful & will lose his current one because of DD), does not consider the consequences of his behaviour for you or your children & from your other posts treats you appallingly badly in general.

I think you said on a previous post that he was in a steady role for 20 yrs before being made redundant. That he is excellent at his job which is in a high paying niche industry. Where is all the money gone from that career & his redundancy payment? How was that not enough to save a deposit & get a mortgage ? And you know MN posters views on your salary being paid to his company account that he controls.

Give you & your kids a better chance at happiness. If you want security, you won't find it with your OH. Take control, rely on your friends for support when you need it.

Maybe he will get help for his addiction to alcohol, his self diagnosed anxiety and/or personality disorder. Maybe he will sort himself out & find his way back to his once promising career. Maybe he will step up for his children & become the father & role model they deserve. Maybe he will respect & value you. But not while you are there fixing it all, plugging the gap, feeling you should allow yourself to be used for a little bit longer because tomorrow might be a better day ...depending on his mood or job status or alcohol intake.

I don't know what else to say OP... if I was your RL friend, I'd be round at yours now helping you to pack up the kids & your belongings. I'd be surprised if he agrees to go...altho he might agree to it but drag it out to get more time but never intend on leaving. Don't fall for that, give him a timeline & if he us not gone, you & kids leave. You & they will be happier in the long run. Good Luck

OP, sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time, you sound like a lovely person and I hope you get the future happiness and peace you deserve.

This sounds awful.

I hope you're alright op

I don't think you should stick around to support him to the detriment of yourself and your children.

Since you're renting I'd move out, live separately, and tell him you'll consider having him back once he's sorted himself out and proved he can stay sober and maintain a job.

It's not your job to fix him, and with addicts only they alone can fix themselves.

Hi everyone x day 3 of no alcohol for DH. It's been a weird day of carrying sort of as normal on the surface , and the first working day since he was arrested. Weird and I feel sad. Last night I looked through all my old threads - some I had forgotten , some not. Some before I name changed. Not easy to read but made me more decided. Today , the main issue I have is when to leave - I don't think he will go . He seems so normal - talking about DIY jobs , llaround the house , meals etc
All the time I have to keep reminding myself what I am planning.
He is amazed at how good he feels having not had any booze since Saturday. He has not told anyone , spoken to any family , contact any solicitor or support services , and AA support as I had asked him as I was worried.
He is now saying it was a stupid mistake , he will of course be regretful and take whatever consequences the magistrates give him . I can't explain what I mean - it's like he has spun doctored it into being a good fresh start and he is going to have a least a year free of drink. He is convinced he has never felt this positive , this buzzing about the future and can't understand how I can't see how this is going to be a really heart warming story to tell in a year or so.
He does not need professional help as he is not an alcoholic. He agrees he is achohol dependant , but he is in control 100%.
What on earth do I make of that ? He is making me feel like I am overreacting and throwing everything away . I still want to leave but I have work and can't work unless he has the children which I know he finds stressful .although now he said he will be fine as he is not drinking.
How can I work , find somewhere to live and leave .. it is going to need planning so it's absolutely not going to be a quick thing. Which is going to be a strain. At least I have my own bank accounts and my wages are paid straight into, which I never had before. So am feeling a bit low in limbo lockdown ATM .
Just wanted to say thank you all for your comments and good wishes xx it really really does help. Xx

What on earth do I make of that ?

You realise his aim is this:

He is making me feel like I am overreacting and throwing everything away

Spin it! Spin it! Rewrite the narrative! Put her on the back foot! or I'm seriously risking being out on my ear this time

Your old threads, that is where the truth is. That's your lived experience over the past years. Not his crappy spin and pub stories to come.

I am glad you're renting - it makes it much easier to walk away.

Please keep planning, your eyes have finally been opened properly.

Don't let childcare/work issues get in the way. They WILL get sorted. He will throw everything in your path, but it can be done. He finds the children stressful? Um, well he's going to be stepping up to the plate and getting used to that, then.

You ne3d to make practical plans that don't involve him- work out how you'll manage childcare and work, look into various benefits etc.

His behaviour- it's all a blind. If he could have made this change any time, why didn't he? If he can be like this now, why isn't he always? He can't keep this up. Part of what's keeping him going is his belief in his own lies, but you don't have to believe them. You can't afford to.

Alcohol thrives in secrecy. He will promise all sorts to keep his problem within the household. But he can't maintain it and then it will be your fault, you didn't support him enough etc. etc.

You say he's "easier" when drinking, I get the sense that you are afraid of him / what he might do when not drinking if you do/say something that sets him off? Which, by the way, is down to him. He is responsible for his behaviour. Not you.
But if you're worried about his temper, it's definitely time to call a halt. Your kids need you to make this decision. I wish my mother had done this when I was a child.
Do not let him blame you or hold you responsible for his behaviour!
And perhaps think about telling other people/family. Why should you carry this load alone?

Well you don’t have to do a thing straight away. You can plan and save because then when he relapses it’ll be much easier for you to get out quickly. And of course he’s feeling great, it’s only been 3 days! But how about next time he has a trigger for drinking? Whatever his are.

100% in control of what? Of whether to drink? Of himself while drinking? He is right, he can get back control over the first, but not while he is pretending that he already has it down. If so, why did you decide to get pissed and drive drunk? Would be my question.

How would the fresh start and accepting the consequences feel if he had killed or maimed someone? His choices and actions would be the same, he did everything to allow that situation and just lucked out. Or what if he had been killed or disabled himself?

Apparently cruises haven't been suspended after all..your husband is so far down denial, and showing no signs of returning.

I don't know what you can do about childcare but I would not leave them with him anyway so that is not a reason not to leave. He would drive drunk with them in the car. He would do that. Probably already has.

I am ashamed to admit that he has ,in the past , driven after 4/5 drinks with them in the car. He is one of those arrogant people that thinks they are alright. Like I say , I appreciate that is not normal , but for years it has been our normal . Fizzygreen - I know - you are completely spot on and although things are calm now , I know they will definitely not stay that way .pickle thank you x- am on it xx Helen - I am not scared I don't think - I will do anything to avoid an argument , I know it's not going to be this breezy all the while . I am waiting for him to trigger and that is an apprehensive feeling. The kids are oblivious thank goodness. Inkpaperstars - exactly - because the consequences feel quite pedestrian to him now he has the drinking nailed , I feel like he is minimising it. I am treading carefully. Am in the loo again with the door locked. Tomorrow I am off to work and will be using the commute time to ringing and getting things arranged. I need to get sorted so we can go when there is an opportunity - at the moment as I said before he NEVER goes out so it's tricky.

Sorry just to say I take full responsibility for nit intervening more when I knew he had done this before. That is my failing I know. No more of that crap now.

Honestly I think you are going to have to do it all without him knowing, and then have someone there with you when you tell him, and go. And make it crystal clear that one sign of trouble and you will be calling the police.

Yes that is my thought process exactly. He is being ok now because he is full of enthusiasm and energetic ally trying to show my he is the best DH ever . Like I said - utterly lovely. I feel like I am plotting but I know this isn't going to last. It is impossible for him to do this forever. He still hasn't told anyone at all . O am going to do this and then go . Does anyone have any ideas how o can tell children ? 17, 10 and 6. They all think he is amazing of course .

I mean how and when to tell the children ? X

Any ideas greatly appreciated xx