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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 24/05/2020 21:46

This must be one of the posts with the highest number of deletions ever

GlummyMcGlummerson · 25/05/2020 00:01

OP it seems you put up with a lot of shit for this man. Ask yourself honestly - is it worth it?

JustStayHome · 25/05/2020 00:06

Im well aware that the police will bail before court date

But at 5am in the morning after being caught drink driving.
Very unlikely

prh47bridge · 25/05/2020 01:03

Very unlikely

Not in the slightest unlikely. The police don't want drunk drivers cluttering up their cells.

JustStayHome · 25/05/2020 01:53

They dont often let drunks out untill the next day.... Not 5am in the morning

Nicknacky · 25/05/2020 10:34

JustStayHome Have you worked in a custody suite, or are you involved in criminal law?

JudyCoolibar · 25/05/2020 11:13

So at 2am he was over the limit.. They released him 3 hours later.
That would never happen in this area. He would need to be completly sober before charge and release... And 3 hours isn't enough if you're over the limit

OP says he didn't drive home, so why shouldn't they release him? Why, particularly given the need for social distancing, would they use up a cell just waiting for a drunk to sober up?

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 11:51

Morning all xx Tiddles - thank you what a balanced post. I have slept so feel a bit better but more detached. Today on day 2 of no drinking DH has said that he cannot stop drinking without my support . As I have clearly told him yesterday to not assume I will be here and supporting him . I am not sure our marriage can survive - straw and camel's back . He said this morning if he had not have got arrested everything would be normal today. And he also suspects he has borderline personality disorder . (Google diagnosed ) so if this is the case I suppose I feel obligated to stay and be supportive as what sort of a person leaves their spouse when they are just about to try and sort themselves out ? I just don't know if I want to , part of me does not want to be responsible for his recovery failing (that is a hell of a pressure !) So on answer to your question glummy , no I am not sure I do any more .! Will see how today goes - it's. BH , sunny and usually this is a beer association so am looking forward to him getting grumpy . Sad

OP posts:
Grumpylockeddownwoman · 25/05/2020 12:00

Bless you OP. Based on this and some of your other posts, your DH seems to have a pattern - behave badly, say he is going to “seek help” and not doing it. Putting the onus on you for stopping is emotional al blackmail.

Tread carefully

Holothane · 25/05/2020 12:02

No you don’t stay you’ve just said he’s going to be grumpy, you’ve done and put up with enough, it’s not you who will stop him drinking he’s got to do it for himself, 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

nonevernotever · 25/05/2020 12:17

Mydog - you really don't have to stay in a marriage just because the other person says they are going to sort themselves out and can't do it without you. That's emotional blackmail and I would argue is just another way of them refusing to take responsibility for themselves or their actions.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/05/2020 12:32

So you're back to square one?

what sort of a person leaves their spouse when they are just about to try and sort themselves out ?

One who knows from bitter experience that they're lying?

passthemustard · 25/05/2020 12:40

@mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD I can see why your husband thinks he has the disorder and perhaps he does. However he is a grown man who knows right from wrong and does have control over his decision making processes. BPD is not an excuse for his behaviour. And you shouldn't let him use it as one to manipulate you into staying with him or accepting his behaviour.
Like bipolar disorder people with BPD have periods of wellness and not so wellness. For me they cycle on about a 7 year cycle. Drinking makes a manic episode worse. And regular heavy drinking in general is bad obvs and creates its own problems both physical and mental. I suggest he sees his GP for help and advise. However once he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder and/or substance/alcohol misuse, getting things like life insurance becomes very tricky and expensive.

I really sympathise with your situation and understand the utter chaos that is going on in your husbands mind right now. He has some work to do for sure and you should put up some boundaries about what you will and what you will not accept in the relationship.

Thinking of you both x

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 25/05/2020 12:41

Even if he had the very best of intentions, I don't think he's going to change unless forced. His life is too comfortable now. For your children I think you ought to leave him.
If you do nothing else, don't let him drive them anywhere (assuming he is still allowed to drive).

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/05/2020 12:42

I'd say he's emotionally blackmailing you to stay and once he's sure you're not leaving then NOTHING WILL CHANGE

incognitomum · 25/05/2020 12:45

No he's not going to change. Why would he? Feel for your dcs.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 12:49

Hi yes - you are all right of course. We have just had a big argument as he made a comment that he feel I am disconnected and not supportive . I got very cross. I have now told him - as have been pushed - that if I could right now I would separate. O told him what he had said is minimising the DD , I am not overreacting I wasn't happy before all this, and this is the last thing for me . He said he loves the kids and they have never suffers as a result + I pointed out he has driven after drinking on numerous occasions in the car etc etc I won't bore you all but I did point out lots and lots of things as to why I am struggling to see a future .I know he believes he will a soluteoy keep these promises he is making but experience tells me otherwise. So I have escaped to the loo so I can lock the door and have a moment. He now looks like a sad dog and of course am feeling pity but my mind hasn't changed. Sorry to waffle - really this would be a whole other thread in itself I suppose. I was not going to tell anyone but I think I need to speak to someone on RL as well - DH doesn't want to tell anyone as far as possible. Of course but o feel that is a part of this. O am exhausted from keeping his secrets and being loyal . Sorry again for waffling xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 12:51

Thank you passthemustard - I appreciate your thoughts xx

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 25/05/2020 12:53

Nothing in this situation will improve for you or your children until you leave him.

He is dragging you all down and showing you at the same time just how much contempt he has for you and just how comfortable he actually is with all of this - LOOK at his behaviour, two minutes of sad eyes then it's back to telling you that it would all be fine if you hadn't called the police.... He considers himself to have NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS. Because he knows you will stay.

Yes it is harming your children. My dad was a total arsehole, quite similar to this in fact, it felt like a failure of a home and I'm no longer in touch with any of them. My mum stayed. Good luck to her, me and my kids want nothing of it.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 12:56

Oh my x I am sorry -probably brings back horrible memories for you I should imagine x thank you for your advise , I appreciate it Flowers

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 25/05/2020 12:57

I’m sorry OP but you really need to look at what is best long term for yourself and your children as it’s apparent from your posts that whatever goes wrong in his life it’s going to end up being your fault somehow . Save yourself and your children you deserve better ,

Grumpylockeddownwoman · 25/05/2020 12:58

He doesn’t want you to tell anyone irl as he doesn’t want to change. Sorry to be blunt but that is how it is. He knows that if you have other support - even if you stay with him there are more people he will he accountable to, and you will be less likely to take any crap if you have support.

You have to do what feels right, but honestly this isn’t just a single issue to get over with your husband - based on your posts there are a lot of issues - and drinking is just one of them (and it’s not exactly something small in itself).

Waveysnail · 25/05/2020 12:59

OP been where you are. Firstly I put rules in place. No drinking or going to the pub. Then we had seperate marriage counselling with RELATE for few sessions - this really helped clarify if I wanted to stay married. Then we had joint sessions - our were to work a plan going forward. Dh after this then went to doctor underwent counselling for mental health.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 13:00

It is not always bad , the kids are mostly shielded from everything but it is normal for them to see him always drinking , their playtime before lockdown was always planned around going to the pub , or having a drink at a family friendly pub . If it was crap all the time then it would be easy to leave. Interestingly , he was frustrated because he could not read what I was thinking and that is what started the argument today. Because I am trying to plan leaving without telling him and don't want him to have an idea but now that is all blown out the water. Am still in the loo .

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 25/05/2020 13:01

Just read your update. He really can't see what he did wrong? Perhaps it's time to call it a day