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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 13:02

Waceysnail -okay that makes sense. May o ask what happened ? I ask because at this point Icant see wood for the trees or what to do for the best long term x

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 25/05/2020 13:02

Op I posted early on that I filed for divorce after my exh was charged with dd. He is a controlling bully imo for laying you to blame for not supporting him.. Alcoholics need to stop for themselves..
For the record 20 years later my exh is still a piss head...
He attacked his own dm to the point his dps disinherited him. Not for one second did I assume responsibility for fixing him.
You need to put you first at this time.
At the time of police arresting my exh the police man told me to get rid of him as he was dangerous..

Cherrysoup · 25/05/2020 13:03

Typical of an addict, he blames everyone but himself. He isn’t ready to stop or take responsibility. He may never be. Your priority needs to be your dc and what is best for them. I don’t think having a father who drink drives is that.

Grumpylockeddownwoman · 25/05/2020 13:04

Sorry op it must be so tough - particularly in lockdown.

helpmum2003 · 25/05/2020 13:06

OP you definitely need to discuss this with people IRL. Of course he wants to hush it up, he is minimising big time.

Good luck xx

pickingdaisies · 25/05/2020 13:14

So how does you staying there and keeping quiet help him to stop? How does telling you he can't do it without you show ANY sign of taking responsibility for himself? I'm a born procrastinator, so if I want to be sure I will do something, I TELL other people. That gives me the extra incentive to get it done. He doesn't want to be the grown up, he wants to be able to blame you when he gets bored with doing the right thing again. Tell people what has happened. Get some proper perspective from people who care about you.

Tappering · 25/05/2020 13:15

By saying that he 'cannot' do it without your support he is setting you up to be the scapegoat for when he falls off the wagon. It will be your fault because you weren't supportive or understanding enough. He'll blame you and use you as an excuse again and again.

You are not responsible for fixing him.

He has to take responsibility for his own actions - and what he chooses to do next.

You are also not obliged to stay with him. Regardless of whether he is trying not to drink and exploring a possible MH diagnosis. You can leave and go on with your own life. It's OK to say 'I've had enough'.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 13:17

Yes lockdown is not the best. Thank you everyone - o expect I will have to post a thread for more support as things do get moving. Thank you all xxFlowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 13:20

Thank you - yes lockdown of course makes it trickier. May well be posting a new thread when I need all your lovely support and input xx thank you all Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 13:21

Sorry I am trying to post without him noticing - me being on my phone is something that has been a bone of contention with us and I have to be careful . So got interrupted and double posted !

OP posts:
Redglitter · 25/05/2020 13:23

But at 5am in the morning after being caught drink driving.
Very unlikely

Not in the least unlikely. Theyll get released (especially at the moment) at the first opportunity. If hes been processed, charged, bailed and given a court date theres no need to keep him

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 13:24

Tappering that is exactly what I suspect will happen but he says I have no faith in him . And round and round we go ! You hit the nail on the head , along with the PP xx thank youxx

OP posts:
TwistyHair · 25/05/2020 13:28

Also, it may be that his life needs to get worse before he sorts himself out. So you leaving could be the real wake up call he needs. Maybe a driving ban won’t be enough.

OliveToboogie · 25/05/2020 13:51

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Be kind to yourself. I am an alcoholic in recovery. Been sober a year now. Your dh will not stop drinking unless he really wants to. Alcoholics are manipulative and expert liars. I KNOW I was one.

Getting sober is hard work. It's not just about not having a drink. You really have to work on yourself. I really hope your dh takes this as a wake up call and begins his journey to sobriety. Don't let him guilt trip you. It's his journey to make.

Only you know if you want your marriage to work. At the moment dh is probably full of guilt and self loathing so will promise you the moon. That will not last. He has a lot of hard work ahead of him, if he really wants to get sober. You have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame is all his. Look after yourself. ((((. )))) HUGS X

FourDecades · 25/05/2020 13:52

Don't start a new thread, keep posting on here as we all know the background. @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

FizzyGreenWater · 25/05/2020 13:59

Oh really it's a bone of contention is it. Well look at Mr Perfect laying down the law Angry

OP I would suggest that you take yourself off to the bathroom or your bedroom if there is a lock, whenever you need to post, and be sure to make it VERY clear to him that right now, you will take a moment for yourself WHENEVER you need to, and he can FUCK OFF if he thinks that amounts to anything near as unreasonable as deciding drink-driving is a suitable outlet.

billy1966 · 25/05/2020 14:07

OP, you need to start putting your poor children and you first.

Tell family and friends that you are with a nasty, abusive, controlling alcoholic that has now been done for DD.

He's a complete disgrace.

Do NOT collude with him.

You need to get yourself away from him and not be dragged down any further by him.

Tell people.

The only person he cares about is himself.

Any decent person would be beside themselves with shame and mortification over driving with alcohol.

Make your plans to move on.

You have spent enough of your life with this waster.

Flowers
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 14:12

Thank you olive - it is interesting to her your perspective - thank you - it gives me an insight as I really am not a drinker so it can be difficult for me to get my head around. But things have become my nornal over the years and I have tweaked and tweaked myself but I know I don't have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. So thank you xx fizzy green you make a good point ! O am just not that assertive and that would be an actual red tag - but I wish I could be more like that . I have nipped to shops so currently in a car park thinking stuff over. Xx

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 25/05/2020 14:20

Mydog - you really don't have to stay in a marriage just because the other person says they are going to sort themselves out and can't do it without you. That's emotional blackmail and I would argue is just another way of them refusing to take responsibility for themselves or their actions.

I agree, in fact it's possible that as long as he thinks or says he needs your support, he can't get better. The very essence of getting better is taking total responsibility for that himself. And of course you have no faith in him, he has never given you any reason to.

OP, from what I gather the bottom line is that you want to leave, and have done for a long time before this.

Cake Brew Sorry you are going through this and at such a time.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 14:26

Yes I think you are right. It is definitely becoming clearer that his sorting himself out has to be because he wants to . He cannot do it without support of course , but maybe I am not the one for that. I have no reservoir to dip into. With the current climate he has nowhere to go and I don't think the inclination so I think that I will have to move out with the children . As soon as because I know him and I know that at some point he will blow up and it will be at me. Part of the reason I enabled his alcohol intake as generally he is more amenable when drinking. I know that sounds pathetic but it's true. So I need to get a wriggle on but obvs it's BH today and lockdown will make it tricky . So I need to tell people to ask for help . So will be on it tomorrow. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 14:26

Bumpy ride ahead Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 25/05/2020 14:30

Just parked up with a Costa ( am in no hurry to go home - can use the queues as an excuse) and going to call my best friend and talk to her . I need to ask her for help as a potential rent guarantor as i do not have any savings for a deposit. I think she will - she is my best person. Going to need her now more than ever x

OP posts:
matchboxtwentyunwell · 25/05/2020 14:55

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you into staying, which is what he's doing.

He's had his chances, probably too many to count, and he is grown up who is perfectly capable of getting help and sorting himself out without you. He just wants to pretend he can't to keep you there.

don't let this be your life.

OliveToboogie · 25/05/2020 15:04

My dog....

PM me if you want a chat

Olive xx

Holothane · 25/05/2020 15:08

My ex was like this I kept quiet for 4 years about his benders every six months, the fear of them was horrific, I never ate much when he was on them. In the end I told people at work he kicked off big time, said it was no bodies business, he didn’t love anymore. I wasted 16 years on him, terrified of my toxic family. Please leave your health c0mes first.