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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:
billy1966 · 24/05/2020 15:24

So sorry OP.

What a terrible mess for you to wade through.

Wishing you strength.

Flowers
Candyflosscookie · 24/05/2020 15:25

@fourfoxache I think you are muddled, OP said his last DD was 19 years ago.

notapizzaeater · 24/05/2020 15:29

How long is he furloughed for ? Is there anything else he might be able to do at work ?

He might not be able to claim benefits straight away if he looses his job

Kinneddar · 24/05/2020 15:36

*Why did the police realise him at 5am in the morning? With a court date?

Weir*

Not at all weird. Hes sober enough to be charged & was given a court date.

And you have nice coppers round your way to take a drunk driver home

Pretty standard. If hes still under the influence it would be irresponsible to kick him out to make his own way home. If he fell over and injured himself the Police would be held responsible. It's a lot easier to run him home than keep him in custody til hes totally sober

Ponoka7 · 24/05/2020 15:46

OP, reread your other threads as though they are being said by someone you care about. Would you advise them to stay in this marriage?

This is a man who didn't want you working, because he decided it put him at risk. Yet he can carry on like this? That's without all of the other stuff he does to you. He's worn you down to accept it. Where does your happiness and wellbeing come into it?

frasersmummy · 24/05/2020 15:49

So at 2am he was over the limit.. They released him 3 hours later.
That would never happen in this area. He would need to be completly sober before charge and release... And 3 hours isn't enough if you're over the limit

Where is the car??

ohfourfoxache · 24/05/2020 15:58

Thanks @Candyflosscookie I’m getting confused between threads Blush

Sorry op Thanks

Prettybubblesintheair · 24/05/2020 16:03

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op Flowers

MummytoCSJH · 24/05/2020 16:03

Why do you want to rant @Ilovecats14 ? It's not the OP who has been drink driving. I can't believe some of the posts here that have been blaming OP. Disgusting. And I really wish people would RTFT before responding to posts like this about people's actual lives. It's one thing answering a thread which is meant to be a discussion or question about yourself (as I often do without reading everyone else's responses) but when an OP is actually in a situation and needs support... please just read the updates Hmm

Frainbreeze · 24/05/2020 16:28

He cannot drive to the court hearing as any ban is applied immediately.

lowlandLucky · 24/05/2020 16:35

How on earth can this man have gone to pick up his car after being done for DD? Automatic ban. I would bet he was nowhere near a Polic station last night, if he had the woman who called to say where he was would have given her name, rank and station.

SpookyNoise · 24/05/2020 16:46

@lowlandLucky the OP rang the police station to check.

PhilCornwall1 · 24/05/2020 16:52

How on earth can this man have gone to pick up his car after being done for DD? Automatic ban.

You get the ban as a result of a court hearing, not from the Police.

borntohula · 24/05/2020 16:57

Low, what do YOU think he was doing then hmm?

iklboo · 24/05/2020 17:03

He wasn't necessarily arrested at 2am - that was the time the station rang. He would have been tested, arrested, taken to the station and booked in. He might not have been in a fit state to provide info until 2am.

SpudsGuns · 24/05/2020 17:04

@Frainbreeze Here in the UK you can continue to drive until you are convicted and banned by the courts.

Marnie76 · 24/05/2020 17:05

Low the OP phoned the police station and they confirmed he was there

LakieLady · 24/05/2020 17:14

He's put you in a eally tough spot OP, and you've got some big decisions to make, not least about finances. Unless he's very lucky, he won't be working for much longer (I have known a couple of people who've had bans for DD and whose employers have reorganised things so that they can carry on working, but I suspect it's very rare).

You must be really worried and angry, and he's put you in a very difficult position. Flowers

thedancingbear · 24/05/2020 17:23

He's put you in a eally tough spot OP

This isn't the nub of the problem though LakiLady. hundreds of people are killed every year - many of them people's kids - and thousands maimed every year by arseholes like the OP's husband. The financial inconvenience caused by drink drive convictions is trivial in the circumstances.

Also note that he was over twice over the limit - completely bladdered. And he's a past conviction for the same thing.

I completely recognise that it's not always as simple as LTB, but I don't see how anyone could stay in a relationship with someone like this.

Redglitter · 24/05/2020 17:25

How on earth can this man have gone to pick up his car after being done for DD? Automatic ban

Wrong

I would bet he was nowhere near a Polic station last night

Youd need to be a special kind of stupid to pretend youd been done for drink driving to cover up something else.

And the person calling might not have automatically said their details particularly if they were a civilian member of staff. Besides if you actually read the OPs posts you'll see she phoned the station back and they confirmed her husband was there

Frainbreeze · 24/05/2020 18:02

Frainbreeze Here in the UK you can continue to drive until you are convicted and banned by the courts.

That's what I said?

Frainbreeze · 24/05/2020 18:04

Or rather he can drive to the hearing, but not back as the ban is immediately applied. Apologies for any misunderstanding.

Purpleartichoke · 24/05/2020 19:17

You have time to decide your life path. The one thing that shouldn’t wait is employment. You aren’t going to be able to depend on him. I’m normally strongly in favor of joint finances, but in this case I would put your earnings in a separate account.

Purpleartichoke · 24/05/2020 19:24

It doesn’t surprise me that they released him quickly. To maintain social distancing, they need to release people as is reasonable for the charges at hand.

TiddlestheCat · 24/05/2020 21:20

Having read through your previous threads, your husband appears to have issues, related to anxiety/depression. The being out of work, the panic attacks, the drinking, the gambling. He appears to be spiralling out of control. Has he sought any help from the Dr? Been prescribed any medications? If not, then he should get to the Drs asap and also sign up to AA. I think that it's important that he does this for the sake of your children as his behaviour is highly damaging. I say this as a product of growing up with a father who drank heavily, drove over the limit and routinely went missing. His problems stemmed from much deeper issues. The magistrate may also be able to apply a little discretion based upon his conduct/circumstances and possibly taking into account the additional stresses of lockdown/job uncertainty etc. At this stage you want to help try and limit the damage for the sake of your kids. No children want to see a parent unraveling/drinking too much. Does he need to drive as part of his job or just to get to and from it? Does his company pay for his car/insurance? Will he necessarily have lost his job or could he pay for taxis/train etc? I think that he needs to find all of this out and read the terms of his contract. It may be that he's allowed to continue, but will have to use his drinking money for travel instead. You currently rent and pay half of everything, so, aside from a deposit/money for furniture, you are able to keep yourself afloat. Look into what support you are entitled to, Inc contributions from him (assuming he is able to keep his job/find another). Your posts over the last couple of years show that you have been unhappy for a long time now. This might provide him with the kick up the backside that he needs, or be the straw that broke the camel's back. Either way, you are now at a crossroads. I think that you know that things can't continue as they were, unless significant changes are made. Is there anywhere that you can go for a few days or anyone that he can move in with? It must be such a difficult situation. Your kids will definitely know that something very serious is up. I would be as open as possible with them about the situation, as the fear of the unknown can be particularly frightening for children. By being open, you can answer questions, give reassurance and, by discussing/taking into account their feelings/reactions, where possible, allow them to feel a small sense of control. This must be such a difficult and uncertain time for you. You have been doing so well holding the family together over the last couple of years whilst has been dragging you all down. Anyway, just to say that I'm thinking of you. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you and the kids right now. Flowers