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Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 24/05/2020 08:16

I've RTFT and your other threads OP. You are married to a narcissistic abuse prick. The drink driving absolutely needs to be your line in the sand. You really need to use this opportunity to leave him and start afresh.

Good luck.

LakieLady · 24/05/2020 08:17

Hope you're ok this morning, OP, and have had a chance to have a good think about where to go from here.

On the face of it, your DH sounds like a feckless waste of space but I know nothing's that simple in RL. Good luck with whatever you decide to do from here on.

sashh · 24/05/2020 08:18

Ow OP don't be ashamed, he did this not you.

No one was physically hurt which is one thing, yes he is going to lose his licence, but he hasn't crashed and killed himself or anyone else.

Try to get a rest later on.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 24/05/2020 08:18

OP, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Don't take this on yourself.

CrunchyCarrot · 24/05/2020 08:19

Pissed/Fighting/Breach of the Peace would be my guess.

Mine too. This has brought back an old memory of when I was married. My ex managed to break a shop window when drunk, and got himself banged up. I didn't find out about it till the next day, but of course it was all MY fault because I hadn't magically known and broken him out. He was an abusive jerk. OP I hope it's not as bad as that!

Davespecifico · 24/05/2020 08:19

Time to LTB.

billybagpuss · 24/05/2020 08:19

Glad he’s home, hope you both managed to get some sleep.

Oysterbabe · 24/05/2020 08:21

What a complete waste of space that man is. Sorry OP Flowers I hope you have some good, supportive friends you can talk to.

PhilCornwall1 · 24/05/2020 08:22

Pissed/Fighting/Breach of the Peace would be my guess.

It isn't is it, read the thread!!

Irnbroothenoo · 24/05/2020 08:23

Just catching up on this- bloody hell! Men can be such idiots!

Yes because women never, ever drink and drive

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 24/05/2020 08:24

Flowers sorry OP.

SoNooneRecognisesMe · 24/05/2020 08:26

@CrunchyCarrot

You may want to RTFT, or at least the OP's comments....

MrsPerfect12 · 24/05/2020 08:27

OP sorry you are going through this. I hope you've managed to get some sleep.

MsJaneAusten · 24/05/2020 08:35

Do. Not. Be. Ashamed.

Be appalled, outraged, sad, angry, but you didn’t do this. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Talk to your friends. Tell them what HE did and how YOU feel about it. You don’t have to weather this storm alone to protect him.

If you do want to LTB, this is enough. I spent years seeking ‘proof’ I should end it. On reflection, I had proof; I just didn’t want to see it.

I really feel for you. Get some rest. Arrange to meet a friend for a walk later. Talk. Don’t be ashamed. Flowers

PrivateD00r · 24/05/2020 08:36

Op what a bloody nightmare Flowers

In the early part of the thread I was geared up to write a massive rant, but thankfully I continued to read all of your posts and I can see how upset you now are. One of the things that stood out to me in the earlier posts was that you both were drinking at dinner, you knew he was drunk and that this is normal around your dc. You didn't find it strange when he disappeared without saying anything and didn't come back, to the point you went to bed and feel asleep, so this is clearly 'normal'.

He drinks everyday whilst off work and once again is soon to become unemployed. It isn't hard to work out what your life will look like then. His job prospects are going to be crap with no license and 2 drink driving convictions under his belt.

This is your future now.

Clearly you need to have a long hard look at what you want. This man appears to have no regard for you, his children, or indeed anyone else.

You indicate that he has always been like this and is now approaching 40. Why would he change now, especially when faced with no employment opportunities for a long time to come?

Anyway, for me there would be no future in this relationship. You need to choose what path you want for you and your children. Sorry if my post seems harsh, it is quite emotive for any of us who have lost someone due to a drink driver.

Stampy84 · 24/05/2020 08:42

Hope you’re managing to get some sleep OP, and that lazy shit isn’t laying in bed while you’re up with the children!

MinecraftMother · 24/05/2020 08:44

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme you have no shame to shoulder here.

If this proves too much for you, the straw that breaks the camel's back, then saying "he went out one night and got arrested for drinking driving, he lost his job and really that was the last straw. For all our sakes, I had to break away from him" is absolutely fair.

This isn't your shame. It is his.

You deserve better than this.

SkinSkin · 24/05/2020 08:46

OP, I'm married to an alcoholic and see they are trying to self soothe. That is no excuse of course and it does need seeing to, but only he can make that happen, you can't. In fact, the more you try the worse he's likely to be.
I used to keep my husbands behaviour hidden to protect him and then realised that's enabling, so I stopped.
I remember throwing every bit of alcohol out of the house and yelling how much I hate him, with every chunk and clatter of glass as it shattered in the bin.
He tells me he knew that I had every right to leave him and he probably would have done. But instead I asked him Mum to babysit our babies even though he was home, because he was not a safe adult. I told him if we were out with friends and he got too drunk I would quietly announce I'm leaving as he's getting too drunk and it spoils it for me. Before that I used to try and sober him up with strong coffee, which looking back is ridiculous.
It worked out ok for us in the end as he went to EDASS counselling (free self referral) and eventually joined AA. He came back with some horror stories of how it took people losing their job, home, marriage, family, for them to come to their senses, but by then it was too late and they'd lost everything. So I realise not everyone makes it and even a dry drunk can be hard to live with, so I'm not suggesting you should try; everyone is different. But what I am saying is, look after yourself and your family. Do what protects you. He will sort himself out, your job is solely to look after you in all of this. Don't let Mumsnet make your choices for you, don't let your anger make your choice for you - though you have every right to be angry. First and foremost let your self protection take the lead in this, there is no rush. Take care and good luck Thanks

pictish · 24/05/2020 08:51

Privatedoor you are right, his job prospects are going to be impacted by two drink driving convictions.

I just think...what the hell made him think it was worth the risk, that chances were on his side...given he has been through this before? If I drank the amount he did, I’d be paralytic. He was well over the limit. It just seems like a fucking mental thing to do.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 24/05/2020 08:51

Sending you love OP. Take your time to think things through ❣

CodenameVillanelle · 24/05/2020 08:53

I'm so sorry for your situation
I really, really hope you'll see that he has a drink problem and also accept that you don't have to accept that in your life.

WelcomeToTheNorth · 24/05/2020 08:53

Flowers OP xx

Nofunkingworriesmate · 24/05/2020 08:55

You need to talk when he is released in the morning
Is there anywhere the kids can go to get them out of ear shot ?
It is not normal to just walk out of your family home to get more alcohol when you have 3 kids, the fact that you were not concerned and just thought he was at a mates shows how low your expectations of him have fallen
If he claims he is not an alcoholic, there is a very simple test he can take .... he has to stop drinking... as most normal people would if they have been arrested... if he carry’s on in secret you know he’s an alcoholic.... but I think you know that anyway
Sorry this is happening to you and your kids, is he a hands on loving father? Does he put in equal effort to you , does he prioritise providing for his family above himself?

mathanxiety · 24/05/2020 08:55

Put one foot ahead of the other for the next while, OP, look after yourself, look after the DCs. Talk to friends and family. Try not to be ashamed - this is on him. Try not to let shame keep you from getting support for yourself.

When you are feeling strong, start thinking about your own choices.

He has put drinking first. He has certainly made his choice clear.

(Make him spend his own money if money is needed to get him through this.)

savehalloween · 24/05/2020 08:58

Before this incident, you massively deserve more from a relationship. But the drink driving would be the final straw.

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