I’ve asked DH to leave

[Confuze]

Hi, name changed for this - I am a regular poster.

A few years ago I found out that DH was having an emotional affair and it had been going on for years. Our DD was very ill at the time so I forgave him as I didn’t have the strength to do anything else. A condition of forgiveness was that he cut all contact and that I would not be forgiving him a second time if he was ever unfaithful again. We had a couple of marriage guidance sessions but It was difficult to fit them in around work and family life so we stopped.

Fast forward to today and I’ve found out that DH has been paying for phone sex with randomers for years. I am appalled and have asked him to leave. He’s refusing to leave (not sure where he could go), says he loves me and says he doesn’t want me to destroy our family. I’ve pointed out that it is his actions that will destroy the family.

I love DH but can’t believe that I’m in this situation, again. I’m broken right now, and have to make the biggest decision of my life whether to break up my family. I vowed after the first time that I wouldn’t (couldn’t) forgive him a second time, but I can’t cope with the thought If shattering our DDs lives. One of them is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and I really don’t know how she’d cope with the news, especially without support during lockdown.

Really don’t know what to do, I’m too broken to think about anything let alone make the biggest decision of my life.

You don't have to make the decision today or tomorrow.

Make whatever decision in the time you need.

I personally think that if you weren't in lockdown he would be out at "client" meetings again.

A PP said how she tolerated her DH cheating and looking back wished she had not as it eroded her self worth and she was alone. Think about that. Many PPs who are children of divorced children have said they have coped. They do and better they know what to look for in a man than find out later and think badly of you for tolerating it.

You're emotional and wondering whether booting him out now is the right thing to do - but from a calmer time you communicated that for you this would be a deal breaker and he has ignored you.

As painful as it is, if you change the goalposts now you will lose self respect and he will take that as carte blanche to do it again, probably with knobs on. You've given him one chance. You can look in the mirror and know that you have done all you can. This situation is ALL on him. What an asshole. I'm sorry OP x

Depending on age i would tell the dc tbh-theyre not stupid

and skyping sex lines in his home doesnt make him a good father

Thanks again for your messages, I really appreciate that people take the time to give me advice.

I went to bed last night (on my own) feeling far more positive, thinking that I could do it on my own and that I didn't need eroding what little self esteem I have left. However, after doing some calculations and looking at online estate agents I now realise that I would really struggle to get somewhere decent for me and DDs to live even when I do have my increased salary from my new job in a few months.

I worked part time for many years when DDs were small and took on a less stressful full time, but lower paid, job a few years ago to cope with family demands as he worked away several nights a week. As a result, my earnings, savings and pensions have taken a beating.

Does anyone have any advice re what sort of financial settlement I'd be entitled to if we divorced? I don't think I can do it on my own even with a salary of £40k+ in a few months and around £235k equity if we split the house 50:50.

I wouldn't be starting at 50/50 tbh, more like 60/40 or 70/30 plus you will be entitled to your share of his pension

The best thing you can do now is take the financial info you have to a solicitor and get professional advice. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you have to 'do' anything. It just means you're educating yourself as to viable options.

Staying with him isn't a viable option. It really isn't. But there are options out there, you just have to find the right one.