I’ve asked DH to leave

[Confuze]

Hi, name changed for this - I am a regular poster.

A few years ago I found out that DH was having an emotional affair and it had been going on for years. Our DD was very ill at the time so I forgave him as I didn’t have the strength to do anything else. A condition of forgiveness was that he cut all contact and that I would not be forgiving him a second time if he was ever unfaithful again. We had a couple of marriage guidance sessions but It was difficult to fit them in around work and family life so we stopped.

Fast forward to today and I’ve found out that DH has been paying for phone sex with randomers for years. I am appalled and have asked him to leave. He’s refusing to leave (not sure where he could go), says he loves me and says he doesn’t want me to destroy our family. I’ve pointed out that it is his actions that will destroy the family.

I love DH but can’t believe that I’m in this situation, again. I’m broken right now, and have to make the biggest decision of my life whether to break up my family. I vowed after the first time that I wouldn’t (couldn’t) forgive him a second time, but I can’t cope with the thought If shattering our DDs lives. One of them is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and I really don’t know how she’d cope with the news, especially without support during lockdown.

Really don’t know what to do, I’m too broken to think about anything let alone make the biggest decision of my life.

I love some men’s logic. Downside, unfaithful. Upside, not a home wrecker 😂

I would question your view that ‘ he’s a good Dad’. You warned him that you would only forgive him that one time, yet he did it again. He wasn’t thinking of your children then. It seems this is often what happens when you forgive someone once, it gives them permission to do it again. I’m so sorry this is happening, absolutely heartbreaking for you.

He made the decision. He did. All by himself.

Keep repeating that. If necessary write it in Sharpie on his forehead.

You let it slide once and he knew exactly what you was doing, despite your saying never again. He knew what he was doing.

If you let it slide again, he'll really have taken you for a mug. Remember that.

HE HAS DONE THIS. IT WAS HIM.

When you say paying randomness for phone sex, do you mean a phone sex chat line or just normal people for phone sex, I know it may not make any difference to you but I would categorise one as like paying for porn and the other an affair of types

Forgive me if I've misunderstood, but doesn't "'phone sex" mean having a wank?

So many of these posts are hard to read because they’re true. I need to grow a backbone and tell him to go. While I have the strength to do that, I really don’t think I have the strength to shatter my DDs world.

DDs are both teenagers, how much detail do they need? They’ll want to know why we’re separating, and I’m worried he’ll say ‘it was your DMs choice’. I can’t let them believe that he’s not to blame but he genuinely is a great dad. I’m also really worried that DD2 will want to go with him because they’re much closer than we are. That would break my heart all over again.

I really need a hug and can’t have one from anywhere.

Could you tell them that he did something that let you down in a massive way - that he'd done it once before and promised never to do it again, but broke that promise?

It's true after all and they don't need the really gory details. But it places the blame squarely where it lies - with him.

emotional affair ? is that having a friend to talk to?

phone sex with randommers? isn't that just phone porn?

Surely neither of these are enough to end a marriage and split a family!

If your dds are teens, tell them the truth. Why should you take the blame for him using family money on his cheap, sordid thrills!

If you forgave him again now, be prepared for this being your life going forward. Disgusting little man.

not only has HE broken the family unit - he never gave a shit about it or you.
he's also compromised your sexual health -i doubt he's stuck to phone sex.

The people on here trying to convince OP that he's a bad father because of this need to shut the hell up. Good fathers can have affairs. Being a good husband and good father are two different things. Please stop trying to encourage using children as pawns and hurting children for your own battles.
You don't know this man and the person he's married to says he's a good father - I'm betting he's a good father.

@fairlyplump are you being serious?’ Are you OP husband?! Wow. How low is your bar?!!

What kind of loser pay for someone simulate sex over the phone... That's the main reason to leave him...

you're NOT a good father if you're having an affair or sordid encounters with strangers!
It shows he has NO RESPECT for the mother of his kids who he's married to.
That disrespect and manipulative behavior will be meted out to everyone in the household.

Gaslighting, DARVOing fuck that he is.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

It depends, is this is the only reason you want to separate?

You forgave him for the emotional affair and have moved past this. Did he agree that it was one or was it a friendship to him?

I wouldn't be concerned if my husband called these lines, to me porn is no different . If it makes you uncomfortable could you have a discussion and ask him to stop?

@fairlyplump The emotional affair went on for 7 or 8 years and I‘m not completely convinced that there wasn’t a physical element to it. He lent her thousands of pounds (allegedly paid back) and spent evenings with her while I looked after our children because he was ‘out with work clients’. They ‘celebrated’ anniversaries etc so much more than ‘a friend to talk to’.

Re the telephone sex, I’m not really sure how I feel about it. I wouldn’t have a problem with him watching porn, but I feel differently about this. The fact that there’s another human directly interacting with him, they’re Skype calls so presumably they can see each other, and that he uses the same ones more than once makes it unacceptable. I pointed out that some of these girls may be around the same age as DD1 which made him squirm a little - good!

He’s probably one of these hypocritical men that are like ‘God help any man who treats my daughters like that’ but is happy to do it to his wife who as it happens is also someone’s daughter

Children are showing great resilience recently, and your dd will be fine without a lying cheat of a father living with her.
He needs to leave, don't ask him, tell him.
Then tell all your friends and family what he's been up to.
He's had a second chance and blown it, if you go back on your word you are giving him permission to continue and you can't really complain.

it sounds like he had a mistress and now he can't be with her this is a second choice.
he doesn't give a flying fig about you

I’m astounded he’s refused to leave! Not showing much remorse there. Or respect for you. I’m not sure on the best way to tell the girls. Maybe have a think about it for a bit. Or put it back to him and ask him how he’s going to tell them. Don’t let him make you do it. Oh but then he might blame you. Sorry I can’t be more useful!

I am much older than you and have just lost my OH - he died in February.

Similar problems arose in our marriage, and I made the decision to stay put as I had 3 children and I did not want to disrupt their lives; wanted them to have a stable home background.

I spent several of the last years looking after him when he had a neuro-degenerative disease which also adversely affected his sexual behaviour and things were very difficult indeed as some of it was wholly unacceptable.

I did love him - but that was sorely tested - and appreciated his wit, erudition, musical talent and humour. All of this was a gift to my children.

Now I look back and wonder if I made the right decision - it was right for him and the children and they have turned into simply wonderful adults who are a great joy to me. They worshipped him - sometimes I was so very tempted to set them right, but never did. Let them keep their dreams, especially now he has died. Was my decision right for my happiness? Not all the time for sure.

I feel very sad living on my own now and wonder what my life would have been like if I had taken different decisions.

You might like to think how you might feel at my stage of life and when he is gone.

Defo spare room with “daddy snores” as the excuse to the children.

^that x1000.

Op, it is not divorce that damages children but the animosity they witness and the uncertainty they experience when they are told.

Send the man to the sofa, start behaving as flatmates and don’t tell anything to the kids until you know exactly what will be happening, where you/him will be living and what the contact pattern will be.

In the meantime, apply for Universal Credit (It will take a good while to process but you don’t need to wait until you no longer live together but you should not be doing any cooking/housework for him that can be seen as if you are still in a wife role) and start planning for the future, you don’t need to sort everything all together straight away but knowing where you want to be will certainly give you the strength and resilience to go through this.

She might want to go with him at first but the reality of living with a single man dating wouldn’t be nice for her and truth be told he might not want her there anyway.