I’ve asked DH to leave

[Confuze]

Hi, name changed for this - I am a regular poster.

A few years ago I found out that DH was having an emotional affair and it had been going on for years. Our DD was very ill at the time so I forgave him as I didn’t have the strength to do anything else. A condition of forgiveness was that he cut all contact and that I would not be forgiving him a second time if he was ever unfaithful again. We had a couple of marriage guidance sessions but It was difficult to fit them in around work and family life so we stopped.

Fast forward to today and I’ve found out that DH has been paying for phone sex with randomers for years. I am appalled and have asked him to leave. He’s refusing to leave (not sure where he could go), says he loves me and says he doesn’t want me to destroy our family. I’ve pointed out that it is his actions that will destroy the family.

I love DH but can’t believe that I’m in this situation, again. I’m broken right now, and have to make the biggest decision of my life whether to break up my family. I vowed after the first time that I wouldn’t (couldn’t) forgive him a second time, but I can’t cope with the thought If shattering our DDs lives. One of them is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and I really don’t know how she’d cope with the news, especially without support during lockdown.

Really don’t know what to do, I’m too broken to think about anything let alone make the biggest decision of my life.

I understand the need to protect your children, because that's what I did when my marriage was breaking up because of my husband's affair. I now see that it was a big mistake. I should have told them straight away. Do not underestimate teenagers. They understand and can cope with much more than you'd think. The most important thing is to tell them that neither of you want them to take sides. Whatever he's done, it isn't for them to judge. The break up is yours, not theirs. Later when they look back on this time, they will understand that you really had no choice, but to end your marriage and to confide in them.

His actions caused this. The blames on him not you. Your daughter will be fine, she has a strong mummy who is setting a great example x

He has lied to you for years and years and years. Would you ever trust this man again? Unlikely i would hope. If your daughters are teenagers they will be resilient and will cope with any changes.

You know you have to show him you have some self respect and kick his sorry arse out. Can he stay with family? You need some head space away from him and you could do with some support in rl as well. Can you tell anyone? I think when you start to tell people they will help you find strength to move on. And kick him out. You deserve better.

don't underestimate his ability to play dirty.

Mine met someone else, emotional affair, left us, then physical. Told the DC and everyone else that there was no one else involved. I knew that was not true - I also guessed who it was.

When the DC found out (he left a card from her on display in his new place, celebrating their anniversary FFS) he then spun a tale about how I had been denying him sex. One of my teenage daughters actually asked me how long it had been that her dad and I had sex.

I'd had some health issues, plus menopause, and yes, we hadn't had sex for a few months, but bloody hell that made me angry - and no, I didn't tell her about the months we went without sex because HE wasn't able to perform.

Sorry, still rankles after a decade. He tried to get the DC onside by making out that he strayed because of me. Expect yours to do the same.

Your husband made the decision for you already. You deserve so much better than this, OP.

And yeah, he's a shit dad. Let's stop compartmentalizing for men. He lied and disrespected the mother of his children. For years. If he wanted out he could have done so with respect and honesty. He didn't. His actions will negatively impact his children. He's a shit parent.

I disagree with those saying you can’t be a good father but an awful husband (even one who watches porn or uses sex chat lines- I don’t approve or condone their use BTW). I have no idea if this man is a good father, but it is possible. OP has to separate that from his behaviour within the marriage.

OP only you can decide what you can and cannot forgive. There is no right or wrong, and what I would do is not relevant. You have to do what gives you the best chance of being happy (in the long-term). You don’t have to make an instant decision, take your time- unless you know for sure now.

What I do know is that whatever you decide to do OP, please don’t give your children the gory details as some suggest. Depending on their age, you could say that you have decided to live apart. Perhaps you can say that Dad has done something you can’t forgive if trey are older. When they are adults maybe you can go into more details.

Too many children and young adults are given the details regarding their parents relationship breakdown. They do not need to know the details, mostly it does them no good. It can damage their relationship with one parent. If that parent is a danger to them (no suggestion of that in this case) then you take steps to protect the children, giving age appropriate details. I think giving your children the gory details just causes them pain and confusion- these tactics are mostly used to get back at the other parent, not in the child’s best interests. Some come out ok at the end of it, some don’t.

Find a way to parent respectfully together. You can’t do this if you try to set your children against him. His behaviour to you, though hurtful/unacceptable/deceitful, is between you and him alone.

I don't think a man who thinks women are objects he can pay for sex (/sexual time) is a good father to daughters. He thinks they're commodities you can pay for.

What I do know is that whatever you decide to do OP, please don’t give your children the gory details as some suggest. Depending on their age, you could say that you have decided to live apart. Perhaps you can say that Dad has done something you can’t forgive if trey are older. When they are adults maybe you can go into more details. Too many children and young adults are given the details regarding their parents relationship breakdown. They do not need to know the details, mostly it does them no good. It can damage their relationship with one parent. If that parent is a danger to them (no suggestion of that in this case) then you take steps to protect the children, giving age appropriate details. I think giving your children the gory details just causes them pain and confusion- these tactics are mostly used to get back at the other parent, not in the child’s best interests. Some come out ok at the end of it, some don’t. Find a way to parent respectfully together. You can’t do this if you try to set your children against him. His behaviour to you, though hurtful/unacceptable/deceitful, is between you and him alone

I agree with this entirely

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother."

What a crock of shite.

No one would say "The most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love and respect their father." Utter bullshit.

The emotional affair went on for 7 or 8 years and I‘m not completely convinced that there wasn’t a physical element to it. He lent her thousands of pounds (allegedly paid back) and spent evenings with her while I looked after our children because he was ‘out with work clients’. They ‘celebrated’ anniversaries etc so much more than ‘a friend to talk to’

That is not an emotional affair.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, especially at such a difficult time. If the affair from years ago was going on for 7 or 8 years, I find it impossible to believe that it was never physical. Him lending her thousands of pounds (of which you don't know was paid back) is just disgusting. That isn't a good father. He took money from his family to give to her. And now this. You simply cannot live the rest of your life like this can you? I'm reading between the lines, but I'm assuming it has been very difficult for you mentally to carry on up to this point since finding out about his previous affair. I know I couldn't. I know you're worried about your daughters, but it isn't the end of the world for them. They will get over it in time and be fine. Please do what is best for your and your children.

He is a great dad

He is not a great dad. Great dads don't treat the mothers of their children like shit.

I would take bets on him still being involved with the woman from before, or a new one. He is pushing for you to either throw him out or leave yourself so he can dump all the blame on you. Does he ever go out during lockdown? I would carefully contact anyone who will support you & when he does go out, bag all his stuff up, dump it all outside & change the locks. In the meantime, do your detective work, get copies of all bank statements, payslips etc so you can see where all the money has been going, open yourself a bank account & move all your money that comes in, child benefit, DLA for your child, tax credits if you get them, your salary if you work to your bank account. While we are locked down let it mount up to give you a buffer & stop him taking it. Put passports, birth certificates etc somewhere he can't find them, as soon as lockdown is eased, get a good solicitor.

Maybe i'm reading a different post to people but phone sex is closer to watching porn than the original emotional affair she gave him an ultimatum on? Everybody is always so laissez-faire about the porn thing. Sorry OP, i'd feel hurt too, i honestly would, but you have to put in perspective - it's "phone sex with randoms", it's not emotional.

FFS I've heard it all now

Thanks everyone for your responses. He’s sleeping in the spare room tonight while I try and gather my thoughts.

Stupidly, I still love him and can’t believe that I’m in a position that I’m contemplating ending my marriage (after over 20 years). I’m also kicking myself for being in a position where I have no access to any financial info so can’t gather ‘evidence’. We both have our salaries paid into our own accounts and pay a sum each into the joint account which is always bare at the end of the month. Therefore, I don’t have any idea how much money he has and no access to any savings or emergency money. I am unlikely to be able to secure a mortgage at present (furloughed) but have a new job with significant pay rise starting in a few months so that will help.

He acknowledges that if the marriage ends that it will be as a result of his actions rather than my decision. I only told one person about his last affair so he effectively ’got away’ with it. I’m thinking our families may not think he’s the golden boy when they hear the truth. I’m so sad, but I can be taken for a fool once again.

Op, in light of reading the rest of the thread in-depth, i totally retract what i said a second ado. And in light of your most recent comment, other posters will be able to give you financial advice but definitely kick him to the kerb xxx

Try to get his bank details at least. If he leaves his wallet about, look in it and get details of all his cards. Take a photo with your phone.

So sorry you are going through this, he is responsible, not you.

Most important thing is to get his National Insurance number, that comes handy for child maintenance.

Payslips, P60s also needed but only if he decides to lie in court about his income, pension value docs, any proof of investments and property ownership also important, as well as any info about the kids that is difficult to replace like school certificates, red books, passports, etc.

All this 'kick him out' stuff is simplistic. What does one do if he refuses to leave?
Any divorce lawyer, or any of his divorced mates, will tell him that the golden rule is NEVER to leave. This is seen as abandonment so they rarely do it as they would be daft to (in terms of divorce, access, settlement etc.) Just 'kick him out' often doesn't work.

There are only two options I feel:

1. Initiate divorce proceedings if it's over
2. Counselling, if you feel that there is any hope for this.

I have no advice either way, but recommend that you know exactly what you will do if you ask him to leave and he refuses.

I am very sorry for your pain, OP.

This man has no integrity. He is an emotional and financial abuser. Not only is he still lying about his previous infidelity, he was never truly remorseful or committed to restoring your trust. He has thrown your forgiveness back in your face.

For 7 or 8 years, while pretending to be a faithful husband and devoted family man, he prioritized his double life with his mistress. Logic suggests that this was a full emotional and sexual relationship. He supported OW with family money and they celebrated anniversaries. He spent countless hours with her instead of you and the children, including when DD was very ill. I see a terrible dad.

Now you’ve discovered that he has been purchasing interactive Skype sex with his favorite sex workers for years. This father of daughters feels entitled to objectify and buy women’s bodies.

The lack of both financial transparency and your access to savings and emergency funds indicates financial abuse.

In your shoes I would follow through by consulting a divorce attorney and ending this marriage. In the meantime, I would cease all domestic services to this contemptuous serial cheat.

I would also seek individual counseling for emotional support.

As for your precious daughters, the current dynamic is a dysfunctional blueprint for their future relationships. I would tell them that dad has twice betrayed your trust and you will be separating. Hopefully you and he can work together to establish a positive co-parenting relationship to support your girls during this time of transition and adjustment.

Hope you’re doing ok today and got some sleep.

@Confuze

Sorry you are going through this but your post is very odd
You said emotional affair so start with for the first time he betrayed you but then have elaborated and said he sent her money and spent evening with her whilst you worked , that isnt an emotional affair?

Well he is a CF isn't he saying you have broke the marriage however he is right there is nowhere to go and legally provided all things are equal im not sure you could force him out.
Boundaries in place and him on the sofa is the only way forward until he can go elswhere.