I’ve asked DH to leave

[Confuze]

Hi, name changed for this - I am a regular poster.

A few years ago I found out that DH was having an emotional affair and it had been going on for years. Our DD was very ill at the time so I forgave him as I didn’t have the strength to do anything else. A condition of forgiveness was that he cut all contact and that I would not be forgiving him a second time if he was ever unfaithful again. We had a couple of marriage guidance sessions but It was difficult to fit them in around work and family life so we stopped.

Fast forward to today and I’ve found out that DH has been paying for phone sex with randomers for years. I am appalled and have asked him to leave. He’s refusing to leave (not sure where he could go), says he loves me and says he doesn’t want me to destroy our family. I’ve pointed out that it is his actions that will destroy the family.

I love DH but can’t believe that I’m in this situation, again. I’m broken right now, and have to make the biggest decision of my life whether to break up my family. I vowed after the first time that I wouldn’t (couldn’t) forgive him a second time, but I can’t cope with the thought If shattering our DDs lives. One of them is feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment and I really don’t know how she’d cope with the news, especially without support during lockdown.

Really don’t know what to do, I’m too broken to think about anything let alone make the biggest decision of my life.

I would feel quite differently about a cam girl. I know that's hypocritical as I wouldn't mind porn but it feels more personal.

From your answers it sounds like you've made up your mind. If so you'll be fine. Everything feels too much if you think about it at once, children finances etc but it'll fall into place.

You don’t have to do anything now. This is who he is and it’s going to be harder to pretend that he is someone different. Just look at the manipulative way he tried to make you responsible for the consequences of his shitty behaviour. His lack of respect for you knows no bounds.

Great dads don't spend time they could be spending with their children wanking over a woman they've paid to strip off. Great dads of daughters most definitely do that.

Where he goes isn't your problem but he needs to fuck off.

Why do so many women feel they have to say they "don't have a problem with porn?"

Anyway, he may be a good dad (although that's debatable, if he thought so little of the family unit as to think it was OK to shit all over it in the way he has), and if he is, he can continue to be so when he's living elsewhere.

He's got a fucking nerve to say that it's YOU who's breaking the family up. In fact, it is THAT above all else that should show you that he's not learned from this. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and that shows very clearly where your future with this man lies.

I think you should part but at the moment, that would probably be very difficult. Distance yourself as much as possible while you are both still occupying the same home, keep things light and friendly for the children but make it clear your marriage is over.

If your dds are teens, tell them the truth. Why should you take the blame for him using family money on his cheap, sordid thrills!

If you forgave him again now, be prepared for this being your life going forward. Disgusting little man.

Exactly this.. do not lie for the fucker... he did this not you.. so stop with the lying right now.. and no way would I be taking the wrap from my teenagers for his lack of control..

My parents had a very messy divorce when I was a young teenager, they had awful arguments in front of us, they told us all sorts of horrible details about the other, there was even some very minor violence and vandalism between them. But they never made me feel unloved and they never have to this day. I’ve probably got some unresolved issues about it but I am no more or less screwed up than any of my friends who haven’t been through something similar. Life just throws things at you. It certainly hasn’t affected my ability to build relationships.

I’m not recommending you have a messy divorce, of course. But please please remember they your children will get through this and they will get over it. As long as they know you both love them. They’ll want you to be happy whatever that means.

As someone from a split parent household my folks were so unhappy. I later found out as an adult my mother cheated, got pregnant, aborted and then fell into a bad crowd and got addicted to something nasty. She was very unhappy with her life and not coping. My folks had me young 20/22 and with her history she has some unresolved issues and just couldn't cope.

When she left life was weird but better I was 10. I still saw her sometimes but she did become a deadbeat mum choosing partners over visits or just never showing up to things but we still talk now and I'm 30 this year and have an ok relationship.

I say all this because the children will be fine. If you or your husband are unhappy the children will pick it up and that will be more damaging. It'll affect them more than any separation. Parents who force themselves to stay are never good households. I've only known one work and they lived together but were not together and lived in rooms on separate floors so they could both parent their daughter but they also lived completely separate lives and were good friends and it worked amazingly somehow.

If he's done it twice he'll do it again regardless of what he says. Clearly he is looking for something more or different. We can love people and not be in love with them anymore. Some people can live life that way others look around. You need to stick to your guns once you've decided or he will talk you out of it. He's already trying to put the blame on you when it's his actions. Typical victim blaming. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and leave if that is what you wish. Where he goes doesn't matter, if he can pay for phone sex he can find a hotel and tighten his belt a bit.

Wow what a disgusting piece of work, I’m so sorry!
He is a great dad
I mean...he’s destroyed the family home and seriously betrayed you the mother of his children and is now manipulating you. He doesn’t sound that great to me.

He is a great dad

No, he emphatically is NOT. A wise person once said that "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother. He doesn't sound very loving or respectful to me.

And when he says "You will destroy the family" what he is saying is "You should put up with any behaviour I choose to dish out because it is your duty to keep the family intact". Bullshit.

See a solicitor as soon as you can.

What kind of life must a poster live, if they feel the need to defend a cheating man, by using the excuse that the mistress was at friend’ and phone sex is just porn? The mind boggles. Raise your standards, ffs!

Your daughters deserve to know the truth about both incidents and sound old enough to know it (I don't mean explicit detail but certainly the gist of why you have put up with enough and that you deserve better). Don't cover up for him and let him minimise or dismiss what he's done - you will just come off as the bad guy as he deflects and spins the tale to his advantage. Not to mention lying will degrade the trust your daughters have in you if the truth comes out later. Start as you mean to go on and by doing so you are also setting your daughters a strong example.

You sound like you've been very clear on the conditions for forgiving him before - he has no respect for you behaving as he has as he knows how you felt about this up front. A split is never easy, but staying would be harder. Good luck OP whatever you decide - you deserve better than this

This is a man who has proven he cannot be faithful to you. These are only the things you know about as well.
He's not a great dad, if he was he'd treat his children's mother with more respect.
I'm sorry op

Am I the only one thinking there is no way an emotional affair that went on for 7/8 years stayed just emotional? I find that really hard to believe. He has been lying to you for ages and has zero respect for you. He just got caught again, that’s it.

@Confuze

Do please remember that despite all the advice you cannot simply "kick him out". How?

To do so - and whatever the tenure of the house - you will need some form of court order which - as things stand at present - is not likely on the current facts.

You can of course start divorce proceedings and may well be advised to do so on the obvious grounds of unreasonable behaviour. That too will - in the circumstances - take a long time.

You could then get some form of settlement which will be "fair" to both parties. As part of a divorce proceeding you are both now required to go to mediation so that acrimony can be avoided. All this takes time. Clearly something is wrong [if only in his mind] and you might be able to salvage something if you could find out - however hurtful - what it is. Relate is - I believe - still providing telephone counselling and you did some before and abandoned it. It might be worth a try.

I am not religious but there is advice in the bible to forgive "70 times 7"

You said he give the scummy mistress thousands but he claims she paid it back. How do you know about the money? Is he the main earner and how are any savings, bills and other finances dealt with?

I do not think it is as simple as asking him to leave, apart from the obvious right now if his name is on the mortgage he has as much right to stay there as you unfortunately. In the first instance separate bedrooms and take it from there. Good luck.

I'm sorry you are going through this. From your last post I think you have convinced yourself that this was just an emotional affair. I don't believe in 7 years and celebrating anniversaries they were not physical.
The phone sex is what you have found out. He doesn't seem like a great dad.

Unfortunately they kids are going to believe what they want. However you can assure them that you love their dad and would not come to this decision lightly and while he loves them deeply he doesn't love you. No matter he says you cannot be this cruel to someone you truly love. Tell them that when they are in relationships when they are older they should not put up with someone who cheats.

@LillianBland

There was no defending only the OP knows the truth and how she's feeling.

Emotional affairs are subjective the OP hadn't given any detail. Some people's thresholds are very low and their partners may not agree with the label as there was no intent. My husband and I have been together a long time and I'm very happy for him to have female relationships, however, the OP then provided more detail as to what it entailed.

For me unless it was something degrading I wouldn't have a problem with a sex line. My husband doesn't use one and I doubt he would but it would entail a conversation and I wouldn't consider it cheating.

It's all grim and yanbu for drawing a line. As regards your girls, I think that rather than comparing the impact of separating with the status quo, you should adjust your lens a little to compare the impact of separating with the impact of letting him stay but the marriage disintegrating in plain sight. You will come to hate him. It can't be good for them to see that happening. Agree with pp about putting things on hold until lockdown eases enough for him to move out to a rental. Depending on her circs, perhaps the dd you're concerned about would cope better once schools are back and she has friends around her. Use the time to get together all the information a divorce lawyer will need. Very sorry this is happening to you.

For me unless it was something degrading I wouldn't have a problem with a sex line.

As I said, try raising your standards.

He's broken the family.

Past tense, note. It's already broken. He stamoed all over it, all over you, all over his kids.

Because, yep, he's a shit father as well.

Tell him to get out or you are going to have to leave with the children and explain to them exactly why such an action is necessary.

He is a horrible shit and all the tears and manipulation is SOLELY so he doesn't lose his home comforts.

Get him out.

Tell him calmly that it was bad enough the first time he did something like this, and he agreed it would never happen again or the marriage would be over. He has done it again, so he needs to go.

Remind him he'd probably be furious if anyone treated his daughters like this in a relationship, so why you should expect less than he'd want for his own daughters? He needs to go. And you will be explaining it to the girls that respect and faithfulness in a marriage is not a negotiating point.

YANBU and your DD's will be ok, about 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce so it's something a lot of children have happen.

All the same support is accessible as outside lockdown- it just tends to be accessed over the phone from home (which is easier really.) If she needs an in-person appointment/assessment it can still be accessed.

Was he doing his sex talk Skype calls in the house with you and DDs there?!
Him saying he doesn't want YOU to destroy the family is actually him saying, you should accept and deal with his infidelity. Send him to the sofa for now. Is he willing to own up that he's in the wrong?