In-laws moving next door

[Lotsofluv]

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

really you are in the territory of damage limitation now
I'm assuming they are currently in good health but there is no way they will not be expecting you and/or your DH to be looking after them in the future
you will have to establish boundaries, but you can't at the same time be expecting free childcare
as a PP said you will have to facilitate them making their own connections and network, and model what you expect (call or text before coming round etc)
I must say it is not looking good that they have taken thi step without a more honest discussion with the two of you

Get a grip of yourself.

I can't believe they didn't speak to you about it first and asked how you would feel.

They are encroaching on your privacy.

It's hard faced and thoughtless. I'd be gutted as you picked your forever home for a reason, it wouldn't be your forever home living next door to the in-laws.

You're going to have to set boundaries from the off. I'd still be secretly looking on Rightmove.

I wouldn't be worried so much about what your PILs are going to think when they muscle in move next door: I'd be far more concerned about what they are going to do -- like call round every five minutes and come in without knocking whenever they want, butt in uninvited when you have visitors and feel able to comment freely on every conceivable aspect of your lives.
Because it doesn't sound as though they have any boundaries where you and your family are concerned .
I would also be making it very clear indeed that you are not going to be their carers when they get older. At all. Are they already retired, by any chance?

Start with boundaries right now. Say with Covid toy don’t want any popping in anymore. Not for anything for the next two months.

Just say it.

Get them used to it now before they move.

Good grief there are thousands of properties they could have chosen and they buy the house next door to you! What a horrible thing to do. Massive invasion of privacy !

Well I guess my DH should answer this question because my mum lives next door to us and has done for over 20 years. She was moving to be nearer to us (we lived about 1.5 hours away from her at the time) as she lived on her own and we wanted her nearer. The house next door came up for sale and my DH was the one who suggested it. He had a good relationship with her but I wouldn't say they were close.

Well it worked out perfectly for us. Shortly after she moved in I became pregnant and she looked after my DS when I went back to work. No having to drive him somewhere for childcare. She has a very close bond with him and he's 20 now!

Now, 20 years on and as my mum is 80 and obviously in the vulnerable group it has been a life saver having her next door. I can easily do all her shopping and anything else she needs. DH does her garden and the fact she can still see/speak to us each day has meant she has been able to cope with lockdown on her own much better than a lot of elderly people.

Just wanted to say there can be a positive side!

YANBU.

Definitely not.

I would move - and yes, I am deadly serious.

I loved my MIL (she died years ago). Even so, if she'd announced she was buying the house next door I'd have been onto the nearest Estate Agent in hours.

Fortunately she was an independent, no nonsense lady who wouldn't have wanted to live next door to any relative (least of all us!) as she liked her privacy.

Scunner
It wouldn’t be a problem if I knew they wasn’t judging me on my appearance or that my house wasn’t spotless, also if I’m busy I have to stop to entertain them and it pisses me off!

Badassmama
That’s a great idea👍, I’ll go and have a look tomorrow. however much it’s going to cost me for a bit of privacy buying new plants etc, it will be worth it 😊

@Icequeen01 The difference there is that your DH was part of the plan and actually suggested it. Whereas OP has been presented with a fait accompli...

Powerstuggle

Get a grip of yourself, your user name says it all🙄

@Tappering Yes I do get that but just trying to help the Op see that there may be some positives.

If you can’t move, build a huge fence. Make sure you set boundaries regarding their visits. Don’t accept any crap. Just move. Far away.

also if I’m busy I have to stop to entertain them and it pisses me off!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, op! This is the mindset you have to change right now. If you are busy, you DO NOT stop what you're doing to entertain them! You send them home and let your husband deal with them. You can't allow them to hijack your life. Wreck and ruin will be the result of that.

If you don’t want to move get a tall fence installed, you know the really tall ones they seem to have in plush London houses with overlooked garden.

I couldn’t cope with this at all, we live 5 minutes drive from my in-laws (granted we chose to buy here) but I have often wished we lived further away. It’s almost like we need an excuse if we don’t want to go along to something or they want to come round. Lockdown has seemed to have blurred lines too, my mil/fil suddenly like to call round on their way to (nowhere remotely near our house) to stand on the drive and say hi to our children. They never used to do this as my husband works vvv long hours and is always out at work. Now he’s working from home they treat it as an open invite. Granted they don’t come in but it bugs the hell out of me!! I actually shut the curtains and pretended we were out one day my mil called with 30 second notice (I wasn’t dressed at 11am) 😆.

I don’t envy your life of closed curtains hiding!

is there any way before they move in you can get some screen or higher ffencing put it?

My mil is Mrs bucket I might also add 😆.

This could be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

Heck if my in laws were moving in next door I would be moving out!
I really couldn't deal with them constantly being in my business and the sarcastic comments if me and dh were overheard having words

Tbh, dh would probably move before me tbough

I don’t think I could survive that, all the people I know who ended up living in the same street as parents are now happily divorced.

Honestly, start looking at the possibility of moving, they know the will need plenty of care and support as they age, and looking at how unconcerned your DH is about the whole thing, I think you can be sure that all that work will fall on you.

Fuck that!!mil is 5 min drive away and that's bad enough

That’s a massive intrusion into your lives! And it seems very calculated. If they wanted to be closer to you, they could have moved to a nearby town not right beside you! That’s rude - and weird.

Don’t underestimate your DH’s part in this. I’m suspicious that he might have encouraged them.

I’d be considering moving too, even if only to a rental (rent your house out and then rent a house yourselves, so you can move back when your in-laws go - because they will if you’re not there). If you can’t move, your DH needs to lay down the law. Tell him it will be just like when they lived an hour away: they ask if they can visit and visit infrequently, not pop in every five minutes.

I’d hate them looking out at me in the garden too. Could you get one of those nice awnings that pull out from the house? That would allow you to sit in privacy to drink your wine and relax. Grow tall shrubs or put trellis on your fence to raise it and stop them leaning over to ‘chat’. Don’t give them a key and don’t accept any favours from them.

And watch out for your DH going behind your back to give them a key or let them pop in to ‘help’!

Oh and I hope your bedroom doesnt back onto theirs.Awkward!

Icequeen01

Your situation sound lovely, I think I would be more open to them living next door if thought I didn’t matter to them if I was still in my pyjamas at 11am, or my house wasn’t as spotless as hers. Maybe it my own problem, I shouldn’t really care what they think, but I do. I think I’m just going to try and not be bothered about their opinions, make my garden less visible from their windows and if they pop round and it’s not convenient, just tell them so😭... I know they will think I’m rude in doing so but I think it’s rude to assume that because they are not busy , I’m not either and just pop round. Fingers crossed it will all be ok, like my husband says🤞🏻.
Thank you to all of you for your opinions and advice. X

Extra tall fencing and plants. And send kids round ALL THE TIME mwhahahaha