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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws moving next door

533 replies

Lotsofluv · 23/05/2020 16:16

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2020 17:51

I am a level-headed, reasonable person, but if my husband came to me and said my PIL are moving in next door, I would have a complete mental collapse.

Badassmama · 23/05/2020 17:53

Can you pop over and check exactly how much of your garden they can see and if there’s any blind spots?

BoomyBooms · 23/05/2020 17:55

I would massively struggle with this BUT possible silver lining is that if you and DH are expected to be their main carers in old age, at least they won't have to move in with you!!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2020 17:55

@Badassmama

Excellent idea! Op could do that without them even knowing. A recon mission is in order. I would look out all of the windows facing your home as well.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2020 17:55

I'd hate my children living next door to me!!

It's a done deal now OP, so all you can do is manage it going forward.

Decide boundaries with your DH and the minute they're overstepped shut them down.

That's all you can do till you see whether or not you can live with it.

BeeyatchPlease · 23/05/2020 17:56

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!
I had MIL move in for 12 weeks while her house was being renovated and that was bad enough.
You have my full sympathies.

SerenDippitty · 23/05/2020 17:57

Nightmare. I loved my ILs, but honestly if they'd moved in next door to us we would never have got any peace.

DuckALaurent · 23/05/2020 17:58

Christ no way!
This would be a marriage breaker for me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/05/2020 18:00

DH suggested that perfectly fit and well FIL should move in after MIL died. I told him him could live with either of us but not both.

I'd feel the same about this.

FeelingTheBurn · 23/05/2020 18:01

It really doesn't matter if OP had said they didn't want them next door. They are free to buy whatever house they want.

That said, if I was OP I would be looking at moving to a detached house miles from any other!

Soontobe60 · 23/05/2020 18:02

Is would be my worst nightmare! First of all, make sure you have a high fence between the houses so they can't chat over it whenever you're out there. Your DH needs to set the ground rules with them.
They should not be visiting you now anyway, we are still in lockdown!

IncrediblySadToo · 23/05/2020 18:03

MOVE

Jesus, you'd have heard the screaming from here!

Their visits now are pissing you off this is not going to end well.

AllsortsofAwkward · 23/05/2020 18:03

I voted yabu you should have stated it was a deal breaker them moving next door to you're husband. It would be for most people.

jellybe · 23/05/2020 18:06

I would not be okay with this. With either of our parents. I like my mil but I couldn't live so close to her same with my parents.

You need to set boundaries from the start and have DH deal with them as he thinks it will be fine.

If they start just dropping round you will need to make it clear that it isn't okay and you have your own stuff to be getting on with.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/05/2020 18:07

Massive fences and trellises with bushy climbing plants are your friends.

I'd get on that fast!

Ellie56 · 23/05/2020 18:07

EEEEK!!

Nat6999 · 23/05/2020 18:08

When I was married we lived on the next road to my inlaws, it was a big mistake as every time I went out I had to drive past their house, I couldn't do anything without them watching. Towards the end of my marriage, I ended up parking at the other end of the road, even though it was further away to avoid them. There is no way I would ever live anywhere near inlaws should I ever marry again.

Graphista · 23/05/2020 18:09

Given how it's happened I'd be suspicious one of them has had a diagnosis they're keeping from you at this stage, something long term and progressively degenerating, possibly dementia or ms or similar.

And while it's understandable to hope for support from family in such a situation it's out of order to be underhand about getting it...if that's the case.

What is the medical history in that side of the family?

I'd certainly be asking your husband if they sounded him out as to your likely response and he answered for you?

All sounds very dubious

It also sounds like you weren't nearly assertive enough when this was first suggested you really need to learn to be assertive and as pp say communicate your boundaries so that they are clear and unambiguous, and ensure your husband backs you up (which sounds like it will be difficult so get started ASAP)

I got on with my ex in laws but no way would I have allowed such an idea to get this far!

It's way too close for comfort

delightfuldaisy19 · 23/05/2020 18:09

My mother lives 3 doors down, in -laws up the street.

I thought it would be horrific but it's not too bad. Instead of being forced to spend the whole weekend or hours with them - you do lots of little visits/chats and they actually annoy you less.

I've realised that they used to really irritate me when I had to spend prolonged periods of time with them with no chance of escape. This is actually much better - and the grandkids can pop round whenever they want and give you a bit of peace.

Mind you - my mother comes round to tidy/do my washing and the in-laws love a drink!

KitKat1985 · 23/05/2020 18:10

Oh God I have heart palpitations just thinking about it.

Like you OP my IL's are nice enough people but are quite opinionated on a lot of things (and quite nosy) and I can imagine them now commenting things like "ooh Kitkat has had a lot of Amazon deliveries this week" or "ooh I wonder where KitKat is off out to", and then asking me what I've been ordering or where I was going. I'd hate it and would feel like I was living in a goldfish bowl.

But the problem you've got is they already bought the place. At this point I think in the first instance damage limitation is a priority, and just try it and see how it goes for a few months. Get a tall fence or some tall plants for the garden so they can't just pop their heads over for a chat every time you go into the garden. Also you need to be very clear that you would rather they let you know in advance if they want to 'pop over' and (secretly) get a spy cam for the front door so you know not to answer if it's them turning up unannounced. If they comment on it later just say you don't like answering the door unless you know someone is due round due to security reasons.

If it's totally unbearable then you'll have to come up with an excuse in a few months to put your house on the market. Maybe pre-empt this now just in case with a few "we've been thinking we might need to move somewhere bigger / smaller / near work etc" so you have an excuse already lined up for why you have to move if it's unbearable.

SomeBunny · 23/05/2020 18:10

I like my in-laws, but I would not be comfortable with this either. Your DH is going to have to be willing to enforce pretty stern boundaries, or I think this will lead to a lot of resentment. To be honest, I think I’d move if in a position to do so.

PintOfGin · 23/05/2020 18:10

O God I would absolutely hate if my in-laws lived next door! I would seriously move and would not be happy with my DH

Lollypop4 · 23/05/2020 18:11

I moved next door to my Parents for a bit, I lasted 5 months.
My parents are brilliant....But they over stepped the mark daily, be it advising me on raising my kids or commenting "How they would never have done it this way or that", comments about my relationship with Dp...
It drove me insane!!

Marianneconnell · 23/05/2020 18:11

Oh hell to the no Shock

7yo7yo · 23/05/2020 18:11

This has been planned with your husband.
Eventually you will fall into the role of main carer.
Move. Now.