In-laws moving next door

[Lotsofluv]

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

My first in-laws moved a couple of streets from us five weeks after we moved out of their house, into our council flat.
While we got on fine, I was not happy.
It did change a lot.
Move.

I would sell my house. ASAP.

I’d be putting the house up for sale!

This sounds awful, I really feel for you OP. I think you will have to move, obviously not straight away - maybe you and DH can agree to give it 3 months see how it goes but they sound like the annoying type who don’t see any problem with ‘popping round’ uninvited or without warning and that would do my head in! If you can’t relax in your own home then where can you!? It sounds like DH hasn’t really thought this through properly and he might get just as irritated as you by not having the same privacy. As for your situ now - DH needs to speak to them and explain they can’t just turn up without warning, doesn’t need to be rude about it but could use the excuse of you might be on a walk or in the middle of something. Or you could pretend the kettles broken lol

Did you tell your husband you really weren’t happy about it when your in-laws said they were thinking of buying it?
I’d personally be putting my own house up for sale tbh. I don’t think I could have coped with it.

Oh no...YANBU in the slightest.
This is an insane lack of respect for boundaries.
I agree with some of the other posts. It kind of seems like your DH may have had some discussions/ agreements with them behind your back. There's no way they're going to move next door and then keep to themselves. And one of the first things that came to my mind was How old are they? YOU COULD END UP BEING THEIR CARER!!!
You need to sort this out now and not by doing anything passive aggressive but by having it out with them and your husband.

@madcatladyforever

You are your own hero💫👏👏

Well done.

Family moving in on top of other family without so much as a conversation is truly shocking.

Well done to you for refusing to be a victim of such disrespect. 👍👏👏

Haven’t read entire thread so apologies if this question has been covered. But did you & your DH discuss this at the point when his parents were at the contemplating buying this property stage? Feels a bit late to be complaining about having to make them tea as they supervise the renovations.

(Assume you have a recommendation already for a good family lawyer?)

That would be my absolute worse NIGHTMARE.

Well FUCK. THAT.

I'd move.

@Lotsofluv

While I can understand you want to see how it goes, now that the house is bought, you do need to have a full and frank conversation with your DH now, to discuss boundaries, and why he thought it okay to dismiss your very valid feelings.

iThing is, leaving it a while and seeing how ot goes leads to a new status quo being formed, and once that's established, it'll be harder for you to complain.

You are going to have to be very firm with your DH, and I'd include raising the issue about care later on. If you don't want to be roped into caring then this needs to be vocalised now, not later on when you've already been pulled into "just doing a little bit" that ends up growing fast.

I’d move!!

You should have made it clear when they talked about it that you didnt want them next door. Relying on the house being grotty was silly. Surely they told your husband they'd made an offer. I probably would look to move but it could so easily have been prevented by talkIng to them

You can pass a cuppa over the fence and social distance! The point is, it’s not that bad, one day parents will be gone, make the most whilst you can, set boundaries. They may be really useful for babysitting too!

As in-laws who at the moment have two sons and their Fiancees living with us (which they cannot change at the moment, but I know they - very rightly - want to move out as soon as they can), my opinion of this is that you must move as soon as humanely possible! Even if you got on with them really well, I still think it would turn into a nightmare. Having said all that, I suppose that now the deed is done, you should give it a while after they have moved in next door to see how it goes, but if it goes the predictable pearshape, and if frank discussions between you, your husband and them, doesn't lead to harmonious next door living, then rather than split up with your husband, you will have to move. I cannot imagine any scenario where my husband and I would think to even move into the same street as one of our children without asking first how they felt about it, to move next door without a serious discussion is almost unbelievable. Oh, and please try and ignore any judgemental feelings you get from them about you and your husbands lifestyle, it is none of their business unless it was for genuine reasons about your health, so still enjoy your glass of wine, and whatever else takes your fancy! Good luck!

I would have to move. I would hate it.

Agree. I like my inlaws but I can't imagine them moving even to the same city without discussing it. Saying they are looking at a house is not discussing it although as you knew they had made an offer that's when you both should have said "please retract your offer it's too close and we worry it will harm our relationship". The fact that it didn't occur to them to discuss it makes me think that they have zero empathy or idea of personal space. My son has now moved away. I wouldn't move in next to him and expect him to be overjoyed.

Just to add a different perspective here my brother and his wife moved next door to my parents and my Mum was very concerned with them not feeling like she was intrusive. She makes a point of only callin in once a week and has made rules re how often the kids can call around. She would hate if my SIL felt like you so it can work just have an adult conservation at the start you could even frame it as u don’t want the kids bothering them. Hope it works out.

Tell your DH that there will be the same boundaries that you'd both have with any other neighbour - no key to let themselves in, no popping in any time they feel like it, no interrupting your time outdoors with forced conversations, no having to do work on/in their house, no going round to their house every day & having to sit there for hours etc.
Tell your PILs that you expect good neighbourliness from them & that it's paramount & non-negotiable that they respect your privacy & boundaries. You didn't ask for them to be neighbours & that you're not prepared to have your life disrupted because of their decisions. You could add that it's a pity you weren't asked for your views but assure them that The Waltons is not what it's going to resemble. You really don't owe them more than cold politeness over it.

Obviously I don't know the layout of yours or their garden but one of those big sails might be useful to stop them seeing you on the patio. Agree about having a high fence /hedge and a Ring doorbell. Good luck and stick to the ground rules!

Hang on, you've been breaking lockdown regulations and allowing them use of your toilet???

Someone on another thread is being torn apart for admitting something similar but everyone seems to be ignoring this aspect of the thread??

Hang on, you've been breaking lockdown regulations and allowing them use of your toilet???

I don't live in the UK, but where are people allowed to go to the toilet if necessity finds them far from home?

Yeah ABSOLUTELY DON’TGIVE THEM A SPARE KEY - my in-laws use theirs to let themselves in - even when I’m obviously home during the day! (Even when I’ve asked them not to)

I don't live in the UK, but where are people allowed to go to the toilet if necessity finds them far from home?

We haven’t been allowed to go far from home, it’s unnecessary travel. And if you make a choice to drive far away then surely it’s no-one else’s problem if you need the loo. You aren’t supposed to mix households.

Why can’t they use the loo in their new house? If it’s bring renovated surely the builders are going somewhere.

YANBU as I would hate this.

BUT, leaving your husband? Really?
I dare say he has no control over them so there's not much he can do about it and what can he realistically say? He can hardly tell them they can't do it.

I'm confused. On the one hand you say it wasn't discussed and then you admit it was but you didn't think it would happen.

Some of this is on you for not stepping in earlier so blaming your DH is not entirely fair but yes, you will be seeing more if them: that's why they moved next door. He is just putting his head in the sand and at this point you need to be very clear about how you feel and it's his responsibility to lay down boundaries ASAP.

Also: I hope you're not letting them in during lockdown?