In-laws moving next door

[Lotsofluv]

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

I would love it if my dad moved next door (see him ever day anyway and DH doesn’t seem to mind). Same for DH’s siblings/cousins/uncles/aunts. But not my PIL. We lived next door to them for a year and I still get upset thinking about it years later. It was horrible. They’re horrible people. We barely see them now.

I voted YANBU but really wanted to vote YADefinitelyx10000000BU

My family bought a large piece of land and built their homes on it. It's a nice life if it suits you. Some keep to themselves, others meet at one another's houses for meals often. Your family (you and them both) need to work out your boundaries and be respectful or it won't work.

Sounds utterly hideous. Put your own house on the market immediately!! YADNBU!

OP

Read @PicsInRed post.
It is the truth.

The complete and utter lack of respect your husband and his parents have for you is gobb smacking.

Its Its highly likely your life is NOT going to turn out the way you thought.

You can waste energy getting irritated by people on here, but it would be a far better use of your time to really reflect on the fast one that has definitely been pulled on you.

You are sounded by family that think you are a bit dim.

Beware of that.

His parents have money, let them pay for care.

But once YOU start being a walk over, you are finished.

Absolutely finished.

There are lots of surprising threads on MN.

But this is a shocker.

How old are your DC, would H's P be of any help at all? Could they dog sit when you are on holiday? Are they even planning on living in it this house full time? Or is it for holidays/ old age?
Is your DH only child ? If so, at some point he is going to need to get involved.
But I would tell him that you would not be carer, (his problem entirely)
You will nit accomodate his oarents for idle chat all day
They can only come round if he is home, he can make them tea.
If they are constantly invading your privacy, you will leave.
Tell him to make this perfectly clear, now.

I'd have to move. My MIL is lovely, but I wouldn't want to live next door to her.

@Lotsofluv I'm fine now thanks but yes I did move

Nightmare but I think really all you can do is get as much as you can ready to prepare BEFORE they move in.

So: high fences/hedges everywhere you can. Everywhere.
Curtains, blinds or frosted glass where you may need it
Can you build a little garden summer house or gazebo (even convert a shed) that's angled so they can't see in?
Get in the habit of locking the doors all the time, and no keys for them, obv.
Think about your own boundaries re: popping in etc and get your DH on board then enforce them immediately.

I feel for you.

They dont respect you.

Your husband is dismissive of your legitimate concerns.

This is what will make the living arrangements unmanageable.

They bought this house without even a "how would you feel about"? Maybe they asked your dh to speak to you. But he didn't because he isn't seriously interested in your reply.

So this doesnt bode well for boundaries when they do move.

Perhaps they feel they own you because they helped with money.

Maybe you feel like this too?

Are they entitled to key to your house? To come round several times a day? Have you wait in for their deliveries?

What if you object to them dropping in all the time? Do you become the bad guy?

I'm happy to stand corrected but I dont think even cash buyers purchase houses 'overnight'. I imagine the same land searches, solicitors, surveys usually get involved.

God luck. You're going to need it.

@Filmflamfloogety

Thank you for your sensible, reasonable response, I appreciate it❤️.
Exactly, what would my children think of me?.. they are looking forward to having their grandparents next door, it’s lovely fir the children, just not so lovely for me 😭.
I only wanted to know if I’m a horrible person for the way I feel, didn’t expect to be called names but there is always going to be one I suppose.
Thanks again and I’ll just see how it goes , that’s all I can do 🤷🏼‍♀️X

Also,
I definitely won’t be giving them a key or having a gate between our gardens, I’ve already told my husband this and he agreed 😊

Ugh I could never do that to our children
Sounds very needy to me ...

That's all very good advice. But also:

Setting boundaries is all fine - but unless the other side naturally senses and respects them, this also necessarily implies confrontation, however diplomatically it's handled.

You really need your husband to be entirely committed to having your back on this one, OP. They're his parents and - unless your PIL happen to be insane monsters, for which I find no indication - will love him unconditionally and feel protective towards him. So it can't be "OP needs her privacy". It ideally isn't even "we need our privacy" but "I need my privacy". Everything else feeds into a narrative of "poor hen-pecked son, horrible, bossy wife" if feelings end up getting hurt. They'll forgive him - but not necessarily you.

Wow, my house would already be on the market. I expect yours to be within the year too. Either with or without your husband moving with you sadly.
I can’t believe he doesn’t see this could make a huge difference.
I wish you well.

My son and daughter in law live next door to us. We lived here and the old lady next door died so he got the house for a great price.
He rented it out then moved on with his girlfriend about 5 years later. I now have a 3 year old granddaughter
I can honestly say I never go into their house. We have a gate connecting our gardens and they are always in here. My little granddaughter comes through the gate and knocks on our patio windows to come in nearly every day.
It could be a benefit to you, babysitters on tap!

I doubt many people would want their in laws next door. I don't think I'd want my grown up DCs there either. However, I think you should have said something long before this, even if only to your DH, in the hope he would pass your feelings on. I also think YABVU not to want to let them use your loo or offer them a drink.

it’s lovely fir the children, just not so lovely for me

A stressed and unhappy mother won't be lovely for the children, even with grandparents next door. It will be extremely distressing for them.

Oh and my son never gave his key back but I have a key safe anyway and he knows the number😀

Yeah I’d hate this!!

You’ll have to have some strong words on boundaries.

Too late to object now. My ex in-laws bought the next door but one house to our marital home. Stayed there (still do) after ex and I got divorced and both moved away. I worried how much they would be in my house but it was actually alright. Great for childcare at the time.

I do feel that’s a bit too close. Right next door. Urgh I couldn’t stand it if my in laws lived right next door. On the same street or something fine but right next door? We can hear our neighbours in their gardens, kids playing, tv up loud, arguing, having presumably make up sex, singing, snoring, we can hear all sorts. I wouldn’t really want my in laws right there hearing and seeing all my coming and goings. My in laws live local to us and that’s fine. My parents live slightly further away but still local and that’s also fine. But no having close family right next door would drive me mad and I wouldn’t feel comfortable in my own home anymore!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Why would they do this?
Time to move I think!

God save me from in-laws next door. I would think it would tear DH in two before too long. No way, just no way. Especially if MiL is someone who has never quite let go of him. Good luck!