In-laws moving next door

[Lotsofluv]

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

I lived next door to my mum for a year (as an adult but before kids) and she used to just come in and comment when the dishes weren't done or that I was still in pyjamas etc. It carried on until she walked in on something she was not supposed to see 😄 after that she started knocking. My boyfriend (now husband) found it really really hard to cope because his family is really private.
To tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind if my mum lived next door to us again, it would be a great help and emotional support, instead she lives very far away and I haven't seen her in person for 3 years. Same with MIL. It would be nice if she lived somewhere close and as she is really private, it really wouldn't be about cups of tea or commenting on the state of the house.
I think you have every right not to want it. But I'm just offering a slightly alternative viewpoint - I think people are meant to live in kinship groups really. Living too far away from family makes us anxious. Your husband might be looking forward to feeling a bit of emotional safety.

I would love my in laws to love next door. They are over 200 miles away and I wish they or we were closer.

Knock every criticism, unexpected visit or judgement on the head every time - make it clear it's not what you want to hear/experience in your private sanctuary - your home.

If it continues - put house up for sale.

So you're just going to cave in and stay there, aren't you? You're not going to move. Despite our warnings you won't move, and the rest of your life you're going to be on pins and needles, you'll be miserable when you could have just moved. Your husband will just get away with manipulating you and the situation, and you will be miserable and he will just get away with everything. Typical. Why come on here, ask for advice, 99% say move - and not take it? I would be onto the Real Estate agents first thing on Monday morning. Get them to put a sign up in your front yard. Even if not intending to go through with it, to torture your 'D'H a little bit. But if you choose to stay, you brought it on yourself. In 5 years time when you are still sneaking around in your dressing gown at outside at 11 and your ILs are calling you for a chat at the fence and making snide comments about you not being dressed, about you being a bad influence on their GC, you will look back on this thread and think 'if only I'd taken their advice'. You would have saved yourself 5 years of living your life on edge about the ILs next door. You've been given advice, for goodness sake, save your sanity and take it. Don't bother coming back on here whingeing and after advice later on down the track if you foolishly choose to stay.

You need to say something now.

Can you make your fence etc on their side more private now before they move in? 6 foot fence, trellis on top, fast growing conifers etc just to give you more privacy while in the garden

We used to live near my in-laws (5min walk) and I could never be comfortable in my own home. If I said: no, please don't come round today, they'd always ask why and why they couldn't. It became unbearable. They also weren't happy with a 5-10min chat but they'd come for afternoon tea and then stay for dinner. I had to become very blunt a few times. They were also very critical of everything (what we are, how tidy the house was etc) and It still affects our relationship now unfortunately.

I agree with @fizzygreenwater

Thats a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel

Do what she advises

@FizzyGreenWater has outlined a great solution to this problem. You need to set very firm boundaries and expectations early on given that this has sort of been sprung on you, potentially with ulterior motives.

I would fucking hate it if my IL’s lived next door and we have a perfectly pleasant, friendly relationship.

@Timekeeper1

Jeez, you definitely sound like an unreasonable person, bet you’ve got lots of friends 🙄.

@Jokie
This is what I’m thinking is going to happen😭.
I’m going to be reasonable and give it a chance for the sake of my otherwise great marriage.
Then I will decide if we sell. Thanks everyone.x

Fuck me! My ILs wouldn't be that bad, but my mum on the other hand... I live on the other side of the World from her, and sometimes even that's not far enough.

you need a plan, ASAP. Here are some suggestions:

When you know they are going to be around to supervise the house renovation, pay some shady guys to come to your house naked. Parade them in your garden. Mention casually that your DH and you like orgies, didn't they know, and encourage them to join if they want.

Show extreme enthusiasm that they are now going to live next door and can take care of your children during your 6-month volunteering project in Nepal. Which you plan to make a yearly thing.

Casually drop into conversation that your children have started learning the drums, recorder and violin and the window of the music room leads directly into their bedroom. Tell them the kids are looking forward to showing their emerging musical skills to their grandparents. Every evening.

Borrow some yappy dogs from some neighbours/friends and have them in your garden when they're around. Make sure some dog shit is evident on their side of the house.

Tell them their garden is situated over an ancient Celtic burial ground. It is said the soil is cursed. Several neighbours have died in the past under suspicious circumstancves. Human bones were found after the last neighbour moved out. But tell them to not worry, it's surely just an urban legend.

You're still in time for them to use the house next door as a rental!

Fuck that noise. I wouldn't want my own parents, in-laws or any other family/in law members for that matter to move into the house next door.

I think even if you're reluctantly giving it a trial, you need to have an honest discussion NOW about YOUR boundaries with your DH, before they move in.

Give your DH some scenarios :
What is he going to answer if they ask for a key? He can say, oh no, lotsofluv would hate that breach of privacy.
What is he going to say if they start popping over every day? We're feeling smothered, please could we arrange a once a week catchup.
What is he going to say if you're having a BBQ with friends and they cone knocking expecting to join in, or call over the fence?

You'd need to agree tight boundaries now, what you will say/do if they breach them and how to make it clear that they need to live their own life and make their own friends.
I still think it would put such strain in your marriage. It'd be the end of my sex life, no way would I want any possibility of being overheard by IL's. End of lovely cosy summer night garden chats over wine as I'd worry they were eavesdropping over the fence.
It'd be my worst nightmare.

I think you'll end up moving or divorced, sadly. With PIL next door, he's going to have his loyalty torn.

"Jeez, you definitely sound like an unreasonable person, bet you’ve got lots of friends 🙄"

Really, OP? It's unreasonable of me, and 99% of the rest on here to give you advice, for which you asked?

Fine then. It seems you deserve you situation then, if you're like that. 🙄

My MIL proposed something very like this. She and my DH each own half of one property. She wanted us to move into the property and build an annexe for her to live in. Bad enough, but she didn't fancy paying council tax on her annexe so said that it couldn't have its own separate entrance but be adjoining our part and sharing our exit doors I'm afraid I was very outspoken on my refusal to fall in with this plan. I didn't even want her living in the garden/next door.

The living next door sort of scenario can work if both parties maintain a certain amount of independence and privacy, but if you're not in accord of what that entails, it's doomed to failure and one of you will be unhappy with the way it's going.

I do think you need to have a frank and open discussion about it, explain that it's likely to cause friction if there aren't reasonable boundaries and that your options are open with respect to moving yourselves.

They do owe you courtesy and consideration, it seems really weird that they want to do this without finding out whether you would like it or not? My kid's only eleven but I can't imagine thinking when he has his own place that he'd want me to move to his next door, surely most people prefer a little distance as a minimum?! It does look as though OP's DH has said something like "oh we're fine with this". (Mine would not. Fortunately my DH was as horrified as I was at the prospect of his mum right on the doorstep!)

@Lotsofluv why the dig at @Timekeeper1 saying that you bet she has no friends. Such a low blow. Puts you in a very different light. You just go ahead and put up and shut up, thats your choice.

Lovely, you really dont have an otherwise great marriage if your husband colluded with his parents moving next door, against your expressed (to him) wishes. This is a huge symptom of a problem of controlling behaviour and disrespect of you as a distinct person with separate opinions and needs.

I agree with PPs re: this will be related to elder care. All 3 of them expect that you will now be groomed increasingly over time, one more, increasingly frequent request at a time, to be the in laws' carer. These arrangements can and do progress to full, intimate nursing care by the end. Washing, wiping, hoisting. Visits morning, afternoon and night. Holidays, even weekend breaks will be impossible. For you, that is. Your husband will still be able to go away for work or with friends. Because you will be home to care for his parents already, right love? Kiss, door close.

I expect things have gone well in your marriage previously, when you went along with his (and their) wishes and that this is the first time you have really stopped and gone "wait a second, wtf?!".

As the advice goes, say no to a man and pay attention to his reaction. That is the man.

Huge fence and a pyrocanthus so they can’t loom over.

This would kill me: people popping round constantly would drive me nuts. Not being able to just be in the garden chatting to my DH would devastate me.

I can see why it’s been hard to say no when your dh is clearly in on this with them and how could you look at them and say you didn’t want them there? I imagine that would have been the end of the relationship. My parents would have sulked forever more had I done this.

OP, if you feel judged, isn't that your problem and not anyone else's?

They can judge you if they want, you don't need to be bothered by it.

Don't let you own insecurities ruin your and your family's happiness.

@Timekeeper1

I didn’t actually ask for advice, I was asking if you would feel the same as I was thinking I was being unreasonable. Telling me not to bother coming
back on here wingeing just came across as rude!

As I said previously you should have spoke out earlier before the deal had been made on the house and tell you're dh that it would be deal breaker with your relationship them moving next door it what's must people would have done. Instead you just accepted you're dh saying it would be ok. That was you're opportunity to speak up and say no it's not ok and our relationship will not survive you're parents living next down potentially micromanging our lives.

@Lotsofluv Sorry OP but I'm with Timekeeper (albeit not quite so rudely). Why come on here, only to then declare that you're going to be submissive and put up & shut up?

Sounds like your husband & his parents are rubbing their hands together that their cunning plan has worked

@AllsortsofAwkward
Yes, I know, you are right, it happened more less over night though. It was a repossessed house that the bank were selling for too much money, the inlaws offered a lower price that was declined and I thought that was the end of it. Next thing I was told that they had bought the house and the he’s dad had transferred the money (they are very well off, no mortgage needed).
I didn’t want to make too much of a fuss before and look like the bad guy as I really didn’t think it would all go ahead anyway.
It’s done now though, I only wanted to see if I was being unreasonable in feeling this way, seems most of you would feel the same.x

www.architecturalplants.com/plants/id/phillyrea-latifolia

Hedge on stilts. Much better than trying to grow deciduous climbers. Not cheap but always looks’ good. I’ve got these and they’ve been a godsend.

Top tip I read on a similar thread - answer the door in your coat. That way you’re “just popping out”.

Agree re tell DH

• no care/personal care from you
• no becoming their social life
• no crashing your social life

Direct all requests back to DH - he’ll soon become sick of it, especially if it impacts his down / social time. Even if you have to go out without him.
Sorry you can’t come to Jim’s bbq DH - you have to mow ILs lawn etc... see you later.